Morbid harmful thoughts please help.

[Shivmarie]

I keep having morbid thoughts. Specifically about knives.
Like the other night my mum staged and I woke up and had thoughts of standing over her with a knife, then think the same about my cat, I tell myself in my head it's actually ridiculous and obviously I don't have any urge to actually do it, it's more an image in my head. It's just happened again my dad putting a picture up asked for a knife then I had the same image of hurting him with the knife, I shook my head asif to say ridiculous but it's frightened me. I'm aware of my surroundings I don't feel ' out of it' etc and I'm not on any medication but is this normal? I've been out and about today, and whist I've been anxious I've been manageable, yesterday I cried when I tried to leave the house but went onto do it eventually,
That image just shook me up.
I have CBT Friday again so I will obviously mention it, but is it normal to get these thoughts with high anxiety / low mood or am I just a horrible person. Like I say it's not like I get angry and think about it it just pops in my head am I going crazy?

[kimkitson77]

Low moods and depression will cause this.
when I feel like giving up I imagine scenarios like topping myself and doing crazy things before I do.
I know I would never do this and I have complete control its just your mind being over active because your in such a dark place x

[Shivmarie]

Thank you so much for your reply. After writing that post I broke down crying uncontrollably.
I know what you mean, I'm in control, but I'm not at the same time, physically I am, I would never do it, but I see things, like you I've imagined myself dead and nobody finding me for days, but that's the frightening one. I've got a fear of knives anyway I can't have them out they're hidden away, so I know I'd never use one, nor have I had any arguments with my parents to feel rage, quite the opposite, they've brought me new bedroom things and helped out it together, so it worries me when I'm thinking why am I like this, am I a bad person, then I cried because of the guilt. It's horrible, I was anxiety free for a year, I had moments but now it's spiralling again. I just wanted to know if it was common from people who are on here, rather than google and be lamp led a pyscho who should be locked up.

[kimkitson77]

I think as long as you know in yourself that others are safe and they are just morbid thoughts its not a problem.
honestly tho everyones different!
If your heads in a bad way thats ok!!! Its when you start acting up on your thoughts.
your not a psycho your just having a dark time! Your minds so complexed.
Just remember you can think things as long as you dont act on it.
Maybe try ringing a helpline and just talking completely confidential x

[Shivmarie]

Oh yeah I haven't acted on anything, I know it's my mind, I just then get upset with guilt for even thinking it. I get frightened aswell.
I just wanted to know if it was a symptom of anxiety/depression, or was I alone in this.
Gosh I hate feeling this way. X

[kimkitson77]

Definitely a feeling of depression.. maybe more so then anxiety.
I feel like I'm dying any second so im constantly thinking morbid stuff like my funeral my last breath and so on x

[Shivmarie]

Yeah me too.
Worried about my health, I have a UTI, and on antibiotics, I'm more tired than normal and I suffer from ibs I haven't been able to go for days so I'm now convinced its sinister and reluctant to get bloods (that I requested the GP didn't send me for them) as I see the GP phoning me asking me to go in.
When I mentioned it to the GP on the phone she said it was best to come in and get an examination but didn't say right now ASAP.
But that aside, these morbid thoughts just scare me. Then I'm feeling guilty.
Roll on CBT

[kimkitson77]

I've literally just finished my course of antibiotics for a uti and I have chronic ibs one minute im bunged up the next I cant stop.. I blame a lot of my medication for that tho. If your bodies fighting an infection or if its under the weather and you have anxiety everything in life seams worse. Even just smiling is a struggle x

[Shivmarie]

Yeah that's how I feel.
I'm so tired, like all the time I'm thinking I've developed something sinister but I know stress/medication/ibs/infections are significant factors.
I just try saying I'm not so fatigued I can't get up and do things, I've been out today, yesterday, Friday I walked around town, I've gone food shopping (anxiety attack though) cleaned up etc, so I'm trying to tell myself it's just the run down feeling causing it.
Going to get my bloods done tomorrow x

[lior]

I have those thoughts but worse - I have a fear/fascination/phobia with knives as well. I know there are big knives in the kitchen.

I'm not acting on it but the urge has been strong today. I'm a bit off the rails at the moment.

One thing is, it's better if you direct the anger outwards than inwards. Inwards is more harmful. And of course, don't ever act on it.

[Shivmarie]

Absolutely. I tend to cry a lot of my anger out, weird I know. But I feel better afterwards.
I don't act on it, no way.
I'm going to take the steps to get over it, not stay on my own as much, get a routine.
I just got so frightened earlier I thought I was alone.
Hope we all pass this x

[kimkitson77]

Well I hope your tests come back all ok. Your fine tho.
your just having dark thoughts.. they will pass. Time heals everything x

[AnxietyDJ]

I've also had this before... I've never told anyone as I thought it was just me and that I was such a horrible person for thinking it. I can still remember the first time very clearly - I was building some furniture with my ex and I had a hammer in my hand and the thought went through my head: "I wonder what would happen if I hit her in the head?" and then kinda visualised it happening. Needless to say it scared the living sh*t out of me and I felt like I was going to collapse... Like you, I didn't really want to do it and knew that it was awful etc. as soon as it happened, but just for a split second it was as though I wasn't in control of my thoughts... So bizarre and frightening and obviously made me feel like a terrible person :(

Luckily it has only happened a handful of times since and I now know that although very scary, nothing bad will happen and I just need to calm myself down for a few moments... It always strikes when I am feeling really low and anxious.

I hope you feel better soon, but you're definitely not the only one out there who has experienced this... I'm also very relieved to find out that i'm not the only one either :)

[Shivmarie]

Wow your post described exactly what happened to me.
It's awful, I am incredibly low and anxious and I was the previous time, it's the visual that disturbs me the most. I know I don't ever want to do it but the way in which it just pops up, frightens me.
I can manage it if it was occasional but these are more frequent. Hope to god CBT will help, I am so grateful for this forum xx

[claireypoo]

I get intrusive thoughts like this. That's all they are - silly thoughts. I have OCD so I am used to them, but my friends with anxiety have said at their worst they had intrusive thoughts and images and odd obsessions too. I remember one of my friends saying she had an intrusive thought about killing her neighbours with a hedge trimmer then running down the street with it attacking at random (never mind the fact that it had a very short power cable :) ) She is a very gentle person too, so it was actually quite funny - obviously not for her at the time. These sort of anxious thoughts are bought on by a tired and exhausted mind. Easy to form obsessions over fears like this. I bet they start WHAT IF I.... WHAT IF I.... mine do, I had one about knives once. Couldn't even look at one, but had exposure therapy and I had to sleep with one under my pillow! (now THAT freaked me out!)

If you haven't already I really recommend you read some Claire Weekes. She talks about scary thoughts in her books. The books really helped me.

[Shivmarie]

Thanks Claire.
I really appriciate all the posts out things into perspective. I really thought I was going to be locked away and everyone would disown me. But it seems more common than I thought.
I'm going to the book store today I'm going to have a look.

Wow exposure therapy sounds full on, did it help you though?
Oh I am tired, more than tired. Just cannot wait until Friday where I have CBT again and just talk to someone who knows my back story. X

[claireypoo]

I had it as part of REBT (like CBT). It really helped, but mostly it helped to read Claire Weekes. I remember reading one of her books and getting to the section that dealt with intrusive thoughts and crying. Up until then, I had really seen myself being carted away and locked up in some Victorian asylum with straight jackets and injections of sedatives from long steel syringes, well, you get the idea. ;)

It helps to know that these thoughts, even the most depraved and terrible, are just silly passing thoughts. You aren't a bad person for thinking them. They are just images brought on by the extreme fear of anxiety.

I think in this, anxiety borrows some elements of ocd for some people. If you read up on intrusive thoughts in OCD you will see that actually, they are quite common and not a sign you are losing your mind. I've had some really bizarre ones. Once you accept them as silly thoughts they do stop bothering you. X

[Shivmarie]

Gosh I can't tell you how much I feel better for reading these posts.
They are just thoughts and they can't harm me or anyone.

Thank you so much.
X

[claireypoo]

Exactly! No matter how scary, repulsive or horrific the images and thoughts are, remember that they are just silly thoughts in a tired mind, overreacting to prolonged fear. They can't hurt you and they do go away when you stop being worried by them. They might keep on coming for a while but every time you have one tell yourself 'Ha! It's just another harmless intrusive thought!' :) x

---------- Post added at 12:35 ---------- Previous post was at 12:17 ----------

Once you are feeling better about them you may even laugh at them for being so ridiculous! My hedge trimming friend can laugh at her daft 'Topiary of terror' rampage thoughts now. ;)