Newbie with all sorts of anxiety!

[Cat in the hat]

Morning all,

I'm new to the forum, just joined, because I need support to finally beat this thing!

I'm a married, 44yr old mum of 2 primary aged kids. I have anxiety that at the moment can feel overwhelming at times. I've had this for about 7years now, I've tried counselling and CBT and have been on Citalopram in the past. I am now seeing a clinical psychotherapist privately as I felt limited treatment on the NHS was just making things worse and not better. I was always described as a sensitive child that would worry all the time. I've been diagnosed as an "anxious depressive" because I also have depression quite badly at times.

I can do things that feel safe, i.e. close to home. I can't however go to new places I don't know, or drive an hour to the coast, or go to places the kids would love to like Thorpe Park (over 2hrs drive). I can't get on a train or coach. So currently with the kids off on the summer break we can only do local stuff, which wasn't too bad when they were little but they now want to do stuff their friends do and I feel I can't.

I don't get a lot of support, my husband doesn't really understand it, I don't have many close friends (lots of acquaintances!), and I receive no reassurance at all which is hard sometimes as I just feel an inconvenience.

So that's me in a nutshell. Am now off to read the rest of the forum and get my bearings so to speak. Thanks for reading.

Cat

[aprilmoon]

Hi Cat
Welcome to NMP :welcome:
You'll find plenty of people on here who can understand and empathize with you.
Hope you find it helpful :)

[Missjay]

Hi cat I've just recently joined to a lot of what you wrote was like reading about myself I've found just reading through things on here really helps it's nice to feel your not alone and there are people who care and understand hope this helps for you to x

[Jenwales]

Hi, you say you can't do something. But the only thing that's holding you back is you.
Your anxiety is jsut a feeling, a thought it's not you. If you took small steps to do the things you can't do and then build up to doing that big thing you will overcome this fear.(exposure therapy/ cognitive behaviour therapy)
The only way you can get over anxiety is to face the things you feel you can't do. You can do them. Anxiety is a lie, a trick in your mind and it tells you that you can't but you can.
You have had a lot of help but maybe now you need to push yourself and support yourself to change.

I've had no help at all with my anxiety it's so tough. But I've learnt a lot over the years about myself and my anxiety and it's taken my ages to realise I can feel better. If I can so can you. Be positive and know that you are bigger than this.
I recommend doing mindfulness meditations and looking at the self-help stuff available online.

[Cat in the hat]

Thanks for the welcome everyone.

Jenwales I have done some of the CBT stuff of gradual small steps but it has not worked for me. I have done hypnotherapy, 2 lots of counselling, 2 lots of CBT and now am with a psychotherapist. [The last person I saw for CBT said CBT won't help me at the moment as I need further help with getting to the bottom of my issues and suggested psychotherapy.]

I guess that's why I'm here because I feel I've done lots of the available therapy over the last 7 years but have yet to find relief from how I feel.

As an example, I can travel to my local shopping centre Bluewater with no problems. So I decided to try and go the opposite direction and go to Rochester, a 20min drive. I've done this without incident for the last year, but the last time I went I had rising panic whilst there and now will find it a battle to do that drive again. In the back of my mind is a constant "what if?" and it boils down to being ill and needing the loo and feeling trapped (which is why journeys are a problem for me). The feeling of being trapped in my car in heavy unmoving traffic and needing the loo is a big trigger for me. Whilst I've never had a toilet accident in the car, there is always that "what if?" and that it could happen. Motorways are the worst, local roads I'm not too bad with as I know I can usually do a u-turn and get out of the traffic.

My therapist feels most of this is down to self-esteem issues so we are trying to work on that but it's hard going! As I don't get a lot of support in Real Life I guess I'm also looking for understanding here.

x

[Carnation]

Welcome Cat in the Hat,
I think it becomes a fear of the Anxiety and Panic Attacks in the end. Although we have a fear of going to certain places and doing some things, it is the fear of the feeling we might have when we do them. I am learning to do things gradually; 'Baby Steps'. I am learning to face my phobias gradually and not take onto much too soon. I often use the 'Safety Net' approach to something I fear. If I m going on a longer journey, I make sure there are places I know we can stop and feel safe and have in mind that if I don't feel up to it, I can always turn back. You don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable with, but as we all do, we want to Live our Lives as much as possible and keep trying to accomplish these difficult situations.:)

[Sunshine84]

Hi, i omg can relate cat in the hat. I am 29 years old and suffered for 8 years. Got a beautiful 14 month old and i have beem forcing myself to do things since she was born. Got a bit much, so went back.on citalapram 4 weeks ago and its helped, although still have blips, but thats up to me to pullyself up as the drugs only do so much. I am going to the seaside tomorrow and fear exactly the same as you (hence the reason im awake now lol) however im doing it for my baby amd in the hope that 1 day i can do these things withour worrying/panicking. Its so easy not to do somethingnor turn back...but in the end it escalates and makes it worse.
I dont mean to come across harsh as i totally understand and there have been days ive not been able to go out and even now i have a "regular route" i dont do as i had a huge attack last time, but if u dont do it for u do it for ur kids.
Have you tried going back on medication now? Safety techniques like carrying around bach remedies, headphones, anything to keep u going. Please keep trying, i wish you good luck x x x x

[Cat in the hat]

Welcome Cat in the Hat,
I think it becomes a fear of the Anxiety and Panic Attacks in the end. Although we have a fear of going to certain places and doing some things, it is the fear of the feeling we might have when we do them. I am learning to do things gradually; 'Baby Steps'. I am learning to face my phobias gradually and not take onto much too soon. I often use the 'Safety Net' approach to something I fear. If I m going on a longer journey, I make sure there are places I know we can stop and feel safe and have in mind that if I don't feel up to it, I can always turn back. You don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable with, but as we all do, we want to Live our Lives as much as possible and keep trying to accomplish these difficult situations.:)

Thanks, yes I think that's where I'm at, fear of fear itself! As I don't get a lot of support from people I now don't even try. For example my husband doesn't want to stop at services on a long journey to see his dad (4hrs on the M1) and gets cross if we do, which just adds to my anxiety. Turning back isn't an option either. So now I just don't go and he goes on his own or takes the kids and I stay at home with the dog.

I also had a pretty bad experience with friends earlier this year when I told them at the last minute I couldn't go out for a planned dinner. I thought I could when we booked it and then the closer the date got I started panicking over it, and when I eventually admitted I couldn't do it my two friends reacted very badly and accused me of not trusting them enough to tell them and that I should've been straight with them. One of them, I considered a close friend, said she was so angry at me for letting her down. Even now she continually tries to push me to do things I am not comfortable with and says I should put myself out for her.

I find myself just wanting to isolate myself really as don't want to deal with others expectations, it's bad enough trying to deal with my own issues. The only person I really get any understanding from is my therapist.

---------- Post added at 11:40 ---------- Previous post was at 11:31 ----------


Hi, i omg can relate cat in the hat. I am 29 years old and suffered for 8 years. Got a beautiful 14 month old and i have beem forcing myself to do things since she was born. Got a bit much, so went back.on citalapram 4 weeks ago and its helped, although still have blips, but thats up to me to pullyself up as the drugs only do so much. I am going to the seaside tomorrow and fear exactly the same as you (hence the reason im awake now lol) however im doing it for my baby amd in the hope that 1 day i can do these things withour worrying/panicking. Its so easy not to do somethingnor turn back...but in the end it escalates and makes it worse.
I dont mean to come across harsh as i totally understand and there have been days ive not been able to go out and even now i have a "regular route" i dont do as i had a huge attack last time, but if u dont do it for u do it for ur kids.
Have you tried going back on medication now? Safety techniques like carrying around bach remedies, headphones, anything to keep u going. Please keep trying, i wish you good luck x x x x

Hi Sunshine, I do some things for my kids, but I also know my kids rely on me as the adult so I want to protect them from seeing me having a panic attack and losing it. I also get very short tempered with it all which isn't nice for them. Therefore I don't put myself in situations where I risk anxiety

I was on Citalopram for 5yrs, it took me 4mths to wean myself off as I had awful withdrawal symptoms (sensitive hearing was the worst - people talking to me hurt my ears!) so I would not want to go back on them. Having took them for that amount of time and find myself now still suffering means to my mind they didn't actually help me that much.

I'm not giving up yet, hence I'm on here, looking for further help even though I feel I've done a lot of available therapy already. I've just bought a book on CBT to refresh my memory on the two previous sessions I had to see if that'll help.

Have you found anything that helps you on the therapy front?
x

[koala]

Hi Cat in the hat

You sound very similar to me. I was also described as an over sensitive child and worrier and like you i am plagued with "what if" thoughts and find travelling, especially along unfamiliar roads or motorways, very difficult. I'm sorry to hear that your friends haven't been very kind or understanding however you are not alone and will get lots of support on here.

With regards to my own anxiety i have slowly been working my way through self help books. I have also set myself small challenges. It's always difficult facing your fears and it's by no means easy but the way i like to think of it is it's better to leave the house and turn round again after 5 minutes than to not leave it all. If your friends and family aren't prepared to help you achieve these challenges would you ever consider doing one on your own? It doesn't have to be far or anything big.

[Carnation]

I know what you mean Cat in the Hat. Partners and Family start to lose their patience and some of my so called friends have surprised me. It can make you feel very lonely and frustrated. I have made some new friends now and when you think how selfish some people can be, would you want them as friends anyway? Hope you make lots on here, at least we all understand each other.:)

[Cat in the hat]

Hi Cat in the hat

You sound very similar to me. I was also described as an over sensitive child and worrier and like you i am plagued with "what if" thoughts and find travelling, especially along unfamiliar roads or motorways, very difficult. I'm sorry to hear that your friends haven't been very kind or understanding however you are not alone and will get lots of support on here.

With regards to my own anxiety i have slowly been working my way through self help books. I have also set myself small challenges. It's always difficult facing your fears and it's by no means easy but the way i like to think of it is it's better to leave the house and turn round again after 5 minutes than to not leave it all. If your friends and family aren't prepared to help you achieve these challenges would you ever consider doing one on your own? It doesn't have to be far or anything big.

I do try and do some stuff on my own like Rochester for example, but then I felt panicky last time so I know I'll be panicky about going again now, just because I'll be fearing "panic"! I did push myself to do a trip to a new place in May, but even though I drove there and back without incident twice, I couldn't bring myself to do it a third time.

The other problem is having two kids aged 8 and 9 at home for the next 6wks means I don't want them to be dragged into a test situation because that just heaps on even more anxiety for me and disappointment for them.

---------- Post added at 13:36 ---------- Previous post was at 13:31 ----------


I know what you mean Cat in the Hat. Partners and Family start to lose their patience and some of my so called friends have surprised me. It can make you feel very lonely and frustrated. I have made some new friends now and when you think how selfish some people can be, would you want them as friends anyway? Hope you make lots on here, at least we all understand each other.:)
Thanks Carnation. I now find myself distancing from people to protect myself really but that's not good for my kids who rely on me to take them places and organise things so they can meet their friends.

---------- Post added at 13:38 ---------- Previous post was at 13:36 ----------

Thanks everyone for your kind replies, I'm aware I'm a bit "woe is me" at the moment, I feel like I'm even wallowing a bit, but it's the first time I've been able to talk about stuff other than in therapy.

I think I am my own worst enemy some days!

Thank you all once again for the welcome.

x

[SharonDerby]

Hi Cat and welcome :)
I have been where you are, not nice.I don't have a magic solution, i do understand how desperate you feel tho.

CBT, Hypnotherapy and pills didn't work for me, i had to help myself....HAD to because i had no life, no fun no one to talk to and i have a fantastic partner who understood and helped with everything BUT i knew only i could change things.

It is hard in fact at times it felt impossible but deep down i knew only i could change things.

Something that helped me a lot was asking myself how many times i had seen the things i feared happening to someone else?

for example how many times did i see someone in town being picked up off the floor because they had fainted? how many times had i saw someone mess themselves in public? im 50 years old and i can assure you 100% in 50 years never seen either of those things happen to anyone, so the small steps you need to take arn't steps like jumping in the car and going to the other side of town (that will come) the first steps are asking your self how many times have i seen this happen or that happen, or how many times has someone done/said that etc.
44 is a young age and you have spent 7 years worrying, in those 7 years how many of the things you worry/have worried about ever happened? probebly none because 99% of what we worry about never happens.
I still have the odd panic attack, but i never let it win, i travel abroard, i work full time, i go shopping alone and enjoy nights out because in the end i had to help myself.
You can do it, you only have one mind the one that makes you panic is the exact same mind that makes you calm, rational and free.................it's only fear its invisible how can it harm you? quite simply it cant.

I will hope everyday gets better for you
Sharon xxx

[Cat in the hat]

Thanks Sharon, a very good point raised. However I know rationally the chance of it happening is extremely rare, there is still a blooming voice saying "yeah, but what if this is the time it does happen?". And instead of fearing what might happen I'm now fearing that panicky feeling where I feel faint and do need the loo, and quick, so my mind then goes "there, you see? you needed that loo!" and so it just confirms my fears. I'm stuck in that vicious circle where the fight/flight response is feeding my fear.

There are times I have had to run to the loo and just about made it. I've been diagnosed as IBS (no surprise!) but prior to that I was a sickly child, then a sickly young adult and at the age 26 having suddenly lost 1.5st and been hospitalised twice because I couldn't stop being sick, I was told I'd have to live with it.

My anxiety therefore is based on these experiences of being ill, being told nothing could be done to help, and having to rest in bed until whatever it was passed. 3 years ago my sister died from bowel cancer, and having seen what she experienced and went through and knowing nothing could be done just heaped more anxiety on.

But yeah, the whole rushing to the loo things happens even when I'm at home - my husband laughs at it and says "Run Forrest Run!".

[meharry]

i have suffered with massive anxiety problems and occasionally depression for 20 years now the thing that helped me was seeing a person centred counsellor. i have been coping much better recently but find that when my hormones kick in i get lots of sweats, nausea migraine palpitations and that starts the feeling of dying off again. i have suffered bereavement recently andwas so proud of myself with how i coped but today the palpitations kicked in and i got extremely anxious, hence the reason im on here . i always keep a diary so i can check if its hormone based but its still such a horrible feeling of losing control again. i think once you are a sufferer you will always be the same but we can continue to strive to have a more normal life and hopefully get to a stage where the good days exceed the bad .

[SharonDerby]

Cat
have you considered trying propanolol for anxiety? i don't like pills hate them scared to death of the side effects, but propanolol i managed very well, they don't alter the mind they are just calming, they are not addictive again something i feared and helped me tremendously if i ever have bad times they are the only pills i will take, after recently being diagnosed with breast cancer i can assure you i was in a state but they helped me through.
I do hope times get better for you hun i truly do, sounds like you have been through so much :hugs:

Sharon xxx

[hanshan]

Hi Cat,

It sounds like you can do with a bit of support - keep posting here, and reply to others' posts, and soon you'll find people you can talk to. We all help each other here.

There are other medications that you may want to try that are different from citalopram - I take pregabalin and mirtazapine, and have found them very helpful, but they don't work for everyone. If they do, they can make a real difference.

Good luck. You are with people who understand your situation.

[Cat in the hat]

Thans meharry, SharonDerby and hanshan.

I don't want to take meds until I feel I have exhausted all other options because I've tried that route and then weaned myself off and it was something I didn't want to go through again unless absolutely necessary.

I've been to see my therapist today which as ever opened up lots of thoughts. The main crux is she feels is a chronic lack of self esteem, in that I do not value myself very much. My feelings about myself are very negative, so my feelings about life in general are negative too. As a human I need to value myself, and I just don't. Being naturally sensitive means people criticise you for that trait and you can't help but be affected by it in your formative childhood and adolescent years. I feel I have had a lifetime of being judged not good enough by others.

This week has been a hard week, as I don't feel I have anyone that can help me, beyond my therapist. I seem to have lots of people that feel they know best and tell me what I need to do and if I don't then I'm my own worst enemy, being selfish, etc. Like it's such a simple thing to switch from being negative to positive. We all know that it's not that easy, that it can be a long journey in changing your mindset and then a longer one again for it to finally filter into your emotions so that eventually you change as a whole and it becomes natural.

So lots of work ahead on valuing myself really. Sorry, know I'm a big waffly LOL, but I'm just getting it out there to try and work through it all.

I don't know where else to post on the forum as I don't feel I fit in any one category and feel all over the place. Any suggestions which sub-forum would be best?

[dally]

Hi cat
OMG your story is my story..
right down to the ibs and rushing to the loo in your own home!!
I too had two small children (in their late twenties now). School holidays were filled with dreadful guilt that I didn't take them anywhere 'good'. I did take them to the local parks, swings, public baths. But all the neighbours kids and their schoolfriends went abroad. Guilt guilt guilt.
Both my children, now go abroad two or three times a year. They both have seen a lot of the world and had fabulous holidays, but I still feel that I let them down VERY badly as a parent when they were children.
My husband took the kids to Disneyland USA. Once. I was left at home. Or rather I CHOSE to stay at home rather than ruin the whole thing for everybody.
I am 55 and have never been on a plane. Been to London by train once when I was 24 and the panic was so horrendous, I've never been on a long journey since.
However,
I did avoid people and situations. Both so I did not ruin things for them and because th fear of panic was so great. I ended up becoming agoraphobic. I eventually got help through CBT. Where an OT physically took me places in her car on a weekly basis, starting very close to home and eventually made me get a bus or train back home.
I could've written a book about the 'what ifs' I worried about!!
But
Nothing bad did happen and my journeys did get easier.
I now can travel a 20-30mile radius relatively easier.
Depending on. How I'm feeling on the day. And whether it is an event I HAVE to attend or if I'm just going out.
I have my child's graduation in Nov. it is outwith my comfort zone. 40 miles away.
Then a 2 hours ceremony. Then the journey back. The family want to stop half way home for a celebratory meal.
Because it's months away I am saying to myself and family I am def going, even if I need to take Valium. But I worry what if I'm hysterical and one of my family has to miss the graduation, just to take me back home!..
So
The answer is..for me not to go

[Cat in the hat]

Dally, I can so relate so just want to send you a virtual hug :hugs:

I did at least prior to having kids not worry so much - I bummed around California for a fortnight with friends on one holiday for example with no real worries at all. I worked in London and commuted in daily. So I feel for you having never really had that side of things.

Are you getting any further support with CBT or anything? If not, would that help at all? I know how it feels to have something looming - you want to go and be there but be feeling good about it. The enjoyment goes if you're spending the whole time worrying doesn't it.

x

[krischoy]

Hi Cat,

We are all here for you and ready to listen. I have a positive experience with talking to significant others it maybe you friend or family. You are not alone I have been to that stage, today I was able to fix it. Just pray and everything will be alright.

All the Best,

Kris :)
http://www.lifestylenurse.com/panic-and-anxiety-attacks-are-over/