Catherine84
28-07-14, 15:02
Hi everyone,
I am facing a very big dilemma at the moment, which is making my anxiety very hard to deal with. This is going to be a long post, but I figured I would come here, as you are all always very supportive.
I am a recovering alcoholic (I self-medicated to 'control' my anxiety), who is at just over 6 months in. When I was discharged from rehab, I was still on the Diazepam they had prescribed me whilst I was in there. It took me 5 months of gradually reducing the dose before I felt I was ready to come off it. Towards the end, I was probably on about 4-6 mg a day for 3 months or so. About a month or so into my recovery, I was also prescribed Pregabalin. I have felt very strongly against taking antidepressants, as they always make my anxiety sky-high, even when persevering with them for some time, so this seemed like the perfect solution. About three weeks into stopping the Diazepam, my anxiety became unbearable, to the point where I wasn't able to function at all. It would take me ages to shower, then I would be hunched over the sink, trying to clean my teeth whilst in floods of tears. This was despite the fact that I was on 600mg a day of Pregabalin, which I understand is the highest dose. After 5 hours in A&E, my arms dripping with blood where I had clawed at them in frustration and panic, I begged them to give me a few more Diazepam tablets to get me through what I guessed was a rough patch.
My doctor now wants me to taper off the Pregabalin (I haven't done so yet), and has told me off for taking 8mg a day of Diazepam for the last two weeks, which has allowed me to return to almost back to normal functionality again (I am aware that Diazepam and Pregabalin might cause increased sedation when taken together, and my doctor is aware of this). She wants me to start Sertraline, which I am really against. Even my mental health worker said that she doesn't think antidepressants are the right choice for me, as she thinks that, as soon as the anxiety is dealt with, the depression will take care of itself. I cannot describe how messed up the others I have tried have made me. She gave me another 28 2mg Diazepam tablets last Wednesday, which is enough to get me through a week/week and a half at a push, gave me a taper schedule for the Pregabalin (which I understand is hell to come off and causes increased anxiety), and sent me on my way with an appointment for 13th August :scared15:, which I believe she made herself so that I couldn't, in her view, 'doctor shop' and see another GP, and said she wants me to be off both before she gets back. I just don't know what to do. I like being able to leave my house, to be as close to 'normality' as I can, and I dread re-living that hell three weeks ago. It's like she is basically telling me I have to cope with no medication for some of those three weeks, having been on it in some form since giving up drinking. I tried phoning my mental health worker today to explain the situation, but she is also on holiday until August 4th! I was due to be assessed by her medic when I saw her the week before last, but he was off sick with no cover! The whole thing is an absolute nightmare.
It doesn't help that my anxiety isn't common. I believe I suffer from sensorimotor OCD, focused on my breathing. I know I am not going to stop, but once I am aware of it, it is hard to let it return to its autonomous self, and I spend all day dizzy, with tingling fingers, scared I am going to pass out. I feel that this is no way to be living. I even lost my job over this and feel like I have utterly lost hope. I have my bad panic attacks, but most days are spent with a racing heart, my body full of adrenaline, and, unmedicated, there is no escape. I've tried CBT, exposure therapy, and guided relaxation, and it's been suggested that I take up yoga or meditation, but the last thing I want to be doing is focusing on my breath! I am so close to drinking again (I drank over my breathing issues in the first place), knowing that this won't do any good, and I don't even care. I just want to drink until I die this time. I even had a dream the other night about drinking, devoid of any conscience, even though when I have suffered 'drink dreams' (common for people in recovery), I've always felt guilt in them. There's a bottle of wine in the house (we normally have none in here at all) for my father's birthday, and I'm even thinking of keeping it myself in case I need it in an emergency, if I cannot cope!
Any advice of where to turn next would be very greatly appreciated.
Thank you in advance.
Catherine x
I am facing a very big dilemma at the moment, which is making my anxiety very hard to deal with. This is going to be a long post, but I figured I would come here, as you are all always very supportive.
I am a recovering alcoholic (I self-medicated to 'control' my anxiety), who is at just over 6 months in. When I was discharged from rehab, I was still on the Diazepam they had prescribed me whilst I was in there. It took me 5 months of gradually reducing the dose before I felt I was ready to come off it. Towards the end, I was probably on about 4-6 mg a day for 3 months or so. About a month or so into my recovery, I was also prescribed Pregabalin. I have felt very strongly against taking antidepressants, as they always make my anxiety sky-high, even when persevering with them for some time, so this seemed like the perfect solution. About three weeks into stopping the Diazepam, my anxiety became unbearable, to the point where I wasn't able to function at all. It would take me ages to shower, then I would be hunched over the sink, trying to clean my teeth whilst in floods of tears. This was despite the fact that I was on 600mg a day of Pregabalin, which I understand is the highest dose. After 5 hours in A&E, my arms dripping with blood where I had clawed at them in frustration and panic, I begged them to give me a few more Diazepam tablets to get me through what I guessed was a rough patch.
My doctor now wants me to taper off the Pregabalin (I haven't done so yet), and has told me off for taking 8mg a day of Diazepam for the last two weeks, which has allowed me to return to almost back to normal functionality again (I am aware that Diazepam and Pregabalin might cause increased sedation when taken together, and my doctor is aware of this). She wants me to start Sertraline, which I am really against. Even my mental health worker said that she doesn't think antidepressants are the right choice for me, as she thinks that, as soon as the anxiety is dealt with, the depression will take care of itself. I cannot describe how messed up the others I have tried have made me. She gave me another 28 2mg Diazepam tablets last Wednesday, which is enough to get me through a week/week and a half at a push, gave me a taper schedule for the Pregabalin (which I understand is hell to come off and causes increased anxiety), and sent me on my way with an appointment for 13th August :scared15:, which I believe she made herself so that I couldn't, in her view, 'doctor shop' and see another GP, and said she wants me to be off both before she gets back. I just don't know what to do. I like being able to leave my house, to be as close to 'normality' as I can, and I dread re-living that hell three weeks ago. It's like she is basically telling me I have to cope with no medication for some of those three weeks, having been on it in some form since giving up drinking. I tried phoning my mental health worker today to explain the situation, but she is also on holiday until August 4th! I was due to be assessed by her medic when I saw her the week before last, but he was off sick with no cover! The whole thing is an absolute nightmare.
It doesn't help that my anxiety isn't common. I believe I suffer from sensorimotor OCD, focused on my breathing. I know I am not going to stop, but once I am aware of it, it is hard to let it return to its autonomous self, and I spend all day dizzy, with tingling fingers, scared I am going to pass out. I feel that this is no way to be living. I even lost my job over this and feel like I have utterly lost hope. I have my bad panic attacks, but most days are spent with a racing heart, my body full of adrenaline, and, unmedicated, there is no escape. I've tried CBT, exposure therapy, and guided relaxation, and it's been suggested that I take up yoga or meditation, but the last thing I want to be doing is focusing on my breath! I am so close to drinking again (I drank over my breathing issues in the first place), knowing that this won't do any good, and I don't even care. I just want to drink until I die this time. I even had a dream the other night about drinking, devoid of any conscience, even though when I have suffered 'drink dreams' (common for people in recovery), I've always felt guilt in them. There's a bottle of wine in the house (we normally have none in here at all) for my father's birthday, and I'm even thinking of keeping it myself in case I need it in an emergency, if I cannot cope!
Any advice of where to turn next would be very greatly appreciated.
Thank you in advance.
Catherine x