Deckardblues
28-07-14, 19:05
Hi. I have not been on here for quite a while. The Citalopram has helped a lot, but i think i have masked something i am not able to deal with or really unsure what happened. Well i do on one level, but not another.
I was sexually abused by cousion when i was 7 yrs old. He was about 13 at the time. Without going into details, he put his mouth where he shouldnt have, and tried to get me to do the same.
The other level involves my Father, and this is where it gets complicated. He was always overly affectionate to me. I remember one time he stuck his finger down the back of my trousers. He licked my ear when i ate dinner one time. It always seemed like he was trying to be physically near me. There was an occasion too, and this i have told no one. He exposed his tummy to me, and told me to do the same, and our tummies touched. He did this on a number of occasions. He also teased me a lot, and used to embarress me in front of other people all the time. I grew up very quiet and insecure, and my first few relationships were a disaster since i couldnt get close to anyone.
I am now 40, and when we meet, him and my Mother, we rarely speak. Jusr got nothing to say to each other. I have a son, he is 9. I keep thinking that i was his age when all the abuse took place. I give my son hugs, but i always let him hug me, i never get close to him, or put my arm around him. We tease each other as two mates do, but i never get to close to him.
My Father adores him, but i see him at times, stroking his head, and i am very wary about him what he does. He took him swimming one time, and although i was there. I couldnt help but think my Father was trying to cop a few feels, which probably sounds really turgid.
The other thing as well is, i just feel there is some memory there i am surpressing, but i just dont know what it is. Maybe i am imagining it, but i just feel my Father did something else.
So here is me, messed up after all these years, and telling my story for the first time. Sorry if it sounds screwed up.
I was sexually abused by cousion when i was 7 yrs old. He was about 13 at the time. Without going into details, he put his mouth where he shouldnt have, and tried to get me to do the same.
The other level involves my Father, and this is where it gets complicated. He was always overly affectionate to me. I remember one time he stuck his finger down the back of my trousers. He licked my ear when i ate dinner one time. It always seemed like he was trying to be physically near me. There was an occasion too, and this i have told no one. He exposed his tummy to me, and told me to do the same, and our tummies touched. He did this on a number of occasions. He also teased me a lot, and used to embarress me in front of other people all the time. I grew up very quiet and insecure, and my first few relationships were a disaster since i couldnt get close to anyone.
I am now 40, and when we meet, him and my Mother, we rarely speak. Jusr got nothing to say to each other. I have a son, he is 9. I keep thinking that i was his age when all the abuse took place. I give my son hugs, but i always let him hug me, i never get close to him, or put my arm around him. We tease each other as two mates do, but i never get to close to him.
My Father adores him, but i see him at times, stroking his head, and i am very wary about him what he does. He took him swimming one time, and although i was there. I couldnt help but think my Father was trying to cop a few feels, which probably sounds really turgid.
The other thing as well is, i just feel there is some memory there i am surpressing, but i just dont know what it is. Maybe i am imagining it, but i just feel my Father did something else.
So here is me, messed up after all these years, and telling my story for the first time. Sorry if it sounds screwed up.