Hi all ... back again :(

[cloudbusting]

Hi NMP'ers

I've stuck my nose in the door a few times for a quick lurk lately but haven't posted in a long time.

Quick recap, I got very bad mid April time and started meds. I didn't have a very good experience with them and so stopped and tried HRT. This was a bit better but had other side effects so I stopped that too.

I've been doing really well and almost felt like my old self again but recently I've had some blips and I'm scared of dipping again.

I'm finding that I am reacting to stressy situations by getting anxious and then my heart starts flipping around and the palps happen - very unpleasant. I had some cardio checks done recently and all came back as normal. I am having a 7 day monitor fitted on Monday just to finally rule anything out in that department.

On Sunday I met up with some old friends and felt worried about it. It involved climbing up Glastonbury Tor and I was scared of being out in the open, scared of getting out of breath & my heart pounding. I was worried for days beforehand and, lo and behold, as I sat waiting for my friends my heart did it's usual thing of stopping and skipping beats. BUT, I *did* climb up very, very, very slowly :D

I had very little sleep last night as my dog had some dental work yesterday and needed an anaesthetic. It really roughed him up and he was awake most of the night whimpering and not himself. I was giving him spoons of water and pain meds at 3a.m ! So, very little sleep.

Then an old friend is visiting the area and wanted to see me today. I felt stressed about this almost straight away - she isn't the type of person you can explain anxiety to, if you know what I mean, and to my shame I made up an excuse not to see her rather than risk feeling panicky in front of her and her family :blush:

As it's the school holidays there are lots of days out and events looming and I am dreading every single one of them, even though I will be with people I know and love :weep:

I thought I was over this. Any thoughts ?

Lisa x

[Oosh]

Hiya cloudbusting

Welcome back. You've always been a very positive poster while Ive been here and I've no doubt you'll be over this blip in no time.

We're all allowed bad spells. They will always come. Who knows why, so many factors involved. Just do what your mind knows is the right thing to do until your confidence returns. I often live life by connecting the dots together like I know I should until the right feelings return. If you're still doing what you know you should be, when the right feelings return, you'll feel happy you kept on with things.

You didn't feel it was the right time to see that particular friend. I think that's good judgement. You recognised that and were decisive. You'll make the right decisions over the coming weeks/months too.
Ask us, we'll help you make them if you're finding it difficult.

[cloudbusting]

Thanks Oosh ... how're you getting along ?

I really appreciate you saying to me that it was right to feel that I didn't see my friend on that particular day. I fretted about it beforehand and I fretted about it afterwards ! You took that away with your comment, I shall remember that :yesyes:

I went out with my husband and daughter last night to a karaoke evening ! We have met and made some nice friends over the past couple of months and we had such a giggle with them last night (I got up and sang - ha !). My mind was racing with 'what ifs ?' all through the day about this night out but I saw them for what they were, just my overactive mind and nothing else. I knew after a few hours that I was getting a bit overwhelmed by all of the noise and the heat (man, it was hot in there) and the adrenaline of watching everyone else and then waiting for my turn ... anyone else know what I mean ? Anyway, it was 11.30pm when we finally left and I gave myself another silent pat on the back for sticking it out and spending time with my little family :)

Hope you all have a great weekend - with love from me :flowers:

Lisa x

[Oosh]

You did karaoke, good god. I said it to someone else on here and I'll say it to you. It should be you giving me advice ! That takes some doing.

I have a running joke with people who know me. If I'm asked to go somewhere I ask
"Will I have to get up and give a speech to everyone"
"Will I have to sing in front of everyone"
Because they know it's almost like that's how I see these things.
They'll joke that I have to give a speech etc

Or if im there and the dance floors empty I'll go "I think I'm gonna go and get the dancing started off" and pretend to walk over to the dance floor on my own.

I've imagined doing karaoke thousands of times. In my head I smash it and it feels great and everyone's shocked and surprised.
In reality I've got no voice.
I bet it feels great though ?
Ironically I think if I had a great voice I'd love to sing.

I'm ok thanks. I've got a free weekend and am going to enjoy it.

I know what it feels like to be up and down.
It's important to be understanding with yourself. If you're managing yourself you're doing well. Use what you've learned and manage yourself.
Everyone has strong and weak periods.

[cloudbusting]

Hey Oosh

Oh, I think half of the fun of karaoke is when people get up who aren't the best singers but they just go for it and you love 'em for that ! There are some smashing singers at the regular one that we go to and I used to sing for a living so it's cheating a bit :)

Good, a free weekend. Same here so am meant to be doing some overdue housework (ha !). Bit nervous about hospital appointment on Monday and the prospect of a long journal by rail later in the week to see my folks. I'll deal with it when I need to and try not to churn my anxiety butter !

L x

[Oosh]

I need to go and see more karaoke and more stand up comedy. I love watching those two.

Hope this week goes well for you.