Big setback?

[Neurotic Nick]

Today i had a panic attack outside again for the first time in months.

Ive been doing exposure but may have gone about it a bit skewed: i can drive around my city, visit my mum and go into little quiet shops. But the one place that has me gasping for air and staggering about is my own neighborhood!

There is a little shopping street on the other side of the block i live in and i keep trying to walk through it but if anything it keeps getting harder!

I planned on going round the block today but when i got outside i chickened out and went for a drive instead. Drove to a park and read a book for a bit, went fine. But when i got home i was determined to walk round the block so i set off. Panic rose and rose and when i got to the corner about to enter the shopping street a bomb went off in my head. Full on panic. I had to call my mum and keep talking to her while i staggered back home...

I recovered quite fast once at home but am feeling very disheartened.... Feels like ill never be able to get through that street...

[Neurotic Nick]

Well i tried again today and it went even worse! Walked to the corner down an alley i normally find easier. It got pretty bad up to the corner but when i turned back my panic rose to a crazy high level! Im so glad there wasnt anyone about because i mightve grabbed on to them for dear life!

I really would love some insights into why the exposure suddenly is getting so much harder, it feels like im sliding backward to a point worse than where i started and im terrified. I dont know how to proceed!

[aprilmoon]

Hi
Are you on any meds to help or have you seen your doctor to see what he can suggest?:)

[Neurotic Nick]

Ive been on buspar for 9 months or so, it seemed to help at first but arent noticing much now. I havent talked to my doctor yet as its only been "going wrong" for the last two days.
The thing im very confused about is should i go out there again tomorrow or give it a rest? I dont want to get into avoidance but dont want to push myself too hard either. Thats why thought i made a compromise with an easier alley today but that really blew up in my face.

[aprilmoon]

I would go and visit him for a chat,and explain to him what's been happening.
I don't know the particular med that you're on,but it doesn't sound like its doing a whole lot for your anxiety, and he may suggest something that could.
CBT may also help you,perhaps he could refer you for some?

[Jamesflames]

These big panics are like a blister; they swell up and hurt but then they burst and the pain subsides.

It's probably best to work out what will make you 6/10 panicky and do that rather than pushing too hard. For exposure therapy to work you need to panic a bit then observe the panic fading. If you do this again and again you sort of retrain your brain to recognise that panic comes and goes, and leaves you feeling ok in the end.

Good luck with it. It's easier said than done to face panic down but it is the only way.

[Neurotic Nick]

Aprilmoon: well he's just referred me to some group therapy that also involves exercise and things but i doesnt start till september. Ill go and have a chat with him about the meds, maybe i just need to up my dose.

Jamesflames: yeah that sounds like a good idea, i think ill leave the block for a bit (i actually call them the "scary streets" wich doesnt help :P ) and go some places that i still find hard but a little more manageable. I guess i just let it get to me that the hardest place for me is so close to my house and i got very strict on myself that i needed to conquer them first. But i guess im just not wired up to go from A to B, i guess ill start at C and work my way back ;)

[aprilmoon]

Its hard when you have to wait so long for these things to come up,I know,I've been waiting forever for my turn at CBT,it actually starts next week.
I agree with James though,the only way to really deal with these things is straight through the middle
Easier said than done ,I know,but true.
If it were me,I would keep takling the ' scary streets' in fact,that's the way I've made progress really.
What I've found,is that if you can let the feelings sort of wash over you,they last for a lot less than you think they will,and the buzz you'll get from doing it is well worth it.:)

[kirsty74]

I've had an experience like that a few weeks ago and am really struggling. I had done 9 weeks of great exposure work, been to places I hadn't been in years. Was staying out for longer (not long, but longer!!). I went for a walk round the block a few weeks ago. I was feeling anxious, but this isn't unusual and I suddenly got this horrible cold sweat feeling go over me and the ground seemed to move up towards me. I also felt like I 'disappeared' for a second-I don't know how else to describe it.

I was pushing my baby in her pram at the time too and it terrified me. I've barely been able to leave the house since. I keep feeling like I am on the edge of experiencing those sensations again-and I really don't want to feel like that again.

I can't seem to get over this one and I feel really upset after having more freedom in the last 9/10 weeks than I have in years.

[Neurotic Nick]

Aprilmoon: ill give them a go soon but i really think i need to regroup a little. I feel like ive gone backwards a little, just tried to get something from my car in the dark wich usually is very doable but tonight i couldnt make past the front door more than a few steps... Luckily i have friend coming over tomorrow and i can get a little support ;)

Kirtsy i can totally relate! These setbacks are the most frustrating when they come right after a good period of progress! In fact my history with anxiety is littered with incidents of that nature. Ive only managed to overcome it in one area so far: my driving. I was making lots of progress driving on motorways and stuff when i suddenly had a huge attack that completely knocked me back. After i had to start at square one again: short trips of only a few minutes and slowly expanding out. I havent tackled motorways again but that is because i felt it more important to focus on other things like going into shops. But yeah my advice is (and im paraphrasing something ive read, possibly claire weeks) to retrace the steps you did to get to that earlier high point. It sucks but if you go up and down that ladder often enough you should get back to that point a little faster and easier each time.

Hope that helps, writing this down has given me some perspective at least so thank you for sharing! It really helps to talk/write these things out, they can seem so insurmountable in your head!

---------- Post added at 23:49 ---------- Previous post was at 23:33 ----------

Btw Kirsty that 'disapearing' feeling i think i've had that too: during that big motorway panic i had a split second where a the lights seemed to go out and i was just 'gone'. But considering i was going about a 100 kph on a busy motorway and the person next to me noticed no change in my driving and nothing bad happened i think its safe. Incredibly scary but safe nonetheless. I hope that helps a little too ;)

[kirsty74]

Yep, starting again at the bottom rung is definitely frustrating!! Thanks for letting me know that you have 'disappeared' too. It really is reassuring to know that someone else knows what I mean-especially when I'm not 100% sure myself!! It helps a lot.

Oh well, if I'm back at the bottom of the ladder, the only way is up:)

[Neurotic Nick]

Im glad i could help a little :) And yeah the only way is up! I hope this time itll be a little easier and faster! ;)

Im about to go out again today, this time with a friend, ready for anything...

[Carnation]

Hi, just a thought. My mum gets this with a particular shop. It's a 'Card Shop' and we have just realized that when she walks round, she sees all the cards to Mother, Father, Brother and such like and it triggers off her Panic Attack because she is thinking of the cards she bought for people that have passed away throughout her Life.
I was wondering if there was a particular shop that makes you nervous or triggers something or did something happen there that makes you feel uneasy?
I also suffer from Anxiety and my bad spots are the Car; particularly the Motorway and going to see my Mum. This is because I had a Car Accident and I was also looking after my Dad with Parkinson's and these places make me very Anxious. :unsure:

[kirsty74]

Hope you had a great day with your friend yesterday!:) I'm getting to the local newsagent....one step at a time!

[Neurotic Nick]

Carnation: this will sound silly but its not the shops its the streets leading up to the shops. I think it might just be bacuse they have very narrow pavements that are slap against housefronts with no front gardens. Its like a narrow ravine filled with windows full of people staring at the odd fellow staggering around, or least thats what it feels like :P ive never liked walking down them even why i moved here about 7 years ago and didnt have a trace of agoraphobia yet... But ill try and give it some thought and see if theres another trigger that ive not quite realised yet.

Kirsty: yeah it was great! We walked to a bench a few streets away and i managed to sit there until the anxiety died down a fair bit. And tonight i managed to walk my dog halfway down my street wich isnt much but still an improvement to the last time i went outside at night! :) babysteps back towards where we were ;)

[aprilmoon]

Well done Nick
Keep going! :yahoo:

[Neurotic Nick]

Thanks april!

Well i have good news and bad news. In the last few days ive started exercising with directions from my physical therapist. Some very light resistance training. In the first few days i noted a marked improvement in mood and drop in anxiety. So of course i was feeling pretty good about it.

But today ive hit another bump, i had another huge panic attack in the one place i thought i had mastered: my car. It was one of those where you think youre gonna crash and die :(
But when i got home i calmed down and just carried on. I exercised, showered and had a healthy meal. But since then i feel this overwhelming sadness that seems too much to deal with it. Right now it seems to be veering towards good old panic but i still feel "out of control emotionally".

Not sure how to deal with this, the new and interesting ways to feel horrible seem to be coming hard and fast. Im hoping and praying that this is a normal part of recovery...

[Neurotic Nick]

Hey guys, thought id give you a little bit more of a postive update. Last night was rough but at the end i decided to read through my cbt4panic workbooks and it gave me lots of ideas im how to proceed with my exposure/recovery and that in turn gave me some hope and confidence. It may be some very rough waters im sailing through atm but im not turning back! :)

(Might plan my route a bit more carefully though ;) )

[aprilmoon]

Hey Nick
That's good,that CBT is helping.
You're doing really well in pressing on with it,and I'm sure you will start to reap the rewards in the near future.
Good luck :)

[kirsty74]

Pleased to hear you had a good time, and, even though you had a rough time later, it's great you are carrying on. It's what we do!!

Have managed to get out every day. I haven't managed to get any further afield and I don't feel any less anxious getting there, but I know it will come so I carry on.

I'm not really sure why I always think of myself as really weak for feeling like this, it takes guts to get out when really all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry:blush::)

[Neurotic Nick]

Thanks Kirsty and April! :)

Yeah i know what you mean Kirsty, im often hard on myself too in addition to spending way too much time thinking things like : "how did this happen?" "Where did i go wrong?" Etc..
Neither is very helpfull and yes weak we are not, to qoute two klingon warriors on my favourite star trek show talking about a man dealing with claustrophobia:

"There is no greater enemy than one's own fears."
"It takes a brave man to face them."
;)

I too havent gone very far yet and frustratingly driving has become harder too but with the help of the cbt4panic workbooks im trying to see things in a different light, i went out to walk the dog tonight and all the symptoms were out in force: jellylegs, dizzyness and disorientation and at first i had my usual response of "must turn back or collapse on the street" but i just basically repeated to myself "its only adrenaline it cant actually harm you" and the effect was surprising. The symptoms didnt go away at all but my fear of immenent disaster went down a lot. What also is a bit scary is that when i came home i was pretty hyper for a long while but i think this is normal. Still have lots of work to do with the books and this new way of dealing with things is very hard but im pretty sure this is a step in the right direction! :)