Scared of Being Happy

[wabbit1]

I had a 3rd appointment with a psychologist yesterday. I have had, in the past, CBT with a CPN. In the time in between I started on sertraline 50 mg, nothing happened, then went up to 100 mg and after a few weeks I started to notice a difference. I was able to look at things a lot more objectively and put a stop to the negative thoughts (most of the time). I also found out in that time that I was getting surgery to remove a lot of loose skin from my stomach which has helped me get out of a self-harm cycle. So all-in-all things are looking good. I have a lot more confidence in socialising with people and I have more of a life to enjoy. I am much fitter than I have ever been thanks to losing 8st+ and starting running. I hurt my ankle quite badly the other week so can't run and even my reaction to that and how I dealt with it was much better than I ever thought it would have been.

So what's the problem you ask? I can't enjoy it, I'm scared it's just a phase and it's all going to come crashing down. That all my insecurities about being single are going to come flooding back. I'm scared that it's all just down to the sertraline and when the time comes to stop taking it, I'll go back to square one but I don't want to be on it permanently. I'm scared that if I relax about the fact that I'm single that it won't happen and in 10 years time when I'm 40 I'll still be on my own.

I hate my brain sometimes!!

[Helen19]

Hi Wabbit, I find that initially with therapy you start thinking more about things as you start to have to take them out and process them with the therapist so I think that's maybe what you are doing and instead of focussing on the positives you are really thinking about the negatives and what if's?
Maybe write down the positives and that might help make you realise just how far you have came and how you do have the strength to deal with other issues that may or may not crop up.
I hate my brain sometimes too btw!

:hugs:

[inCOGnito]

I remember I used to play pool with a friend every week. We were quite even but then he started to beat me almost every game every single week. This went on for a long time until I realised the problem. I was afraid to lose. I happened across a quote that read "winners aren't afraid to lose". I started to win again after that. no more problem. It was all mental. My fear of losing attracted that very eventuality...losing!

see the mind likes to try and protect itself, so it worries, it doesn't want to get hurt or take risks. It's trying to protect you from an adverse outcome. Of course, you also live in hope too... that somehow the planets will line up and everything will work out ok. So you end up in a push-pull situation, and you get stuck there, never really leaving the safety of your current situation. But as strange as it may seem, kill hope and embrace the fear of losing!

[wabbit1]

That makes a lot of sense inCOGnito. I guess if I'm consantly worrying about whether or not I'm going to meet someone I'm not going to enjoy my life. Which in turn will mean I'm not going to relax and get out places where I could potentially meet someone. Now how to convince myself that that is actually true.

Thanks for the replies

[Jacsta]

My dear wabbit

You have done fantastically well....you know i look up to you in what you have achieved. Carry on with the therapy as that is what allows for the long term change. Yes the sert is giving you a boost...but with time and therapy the theory is you can do it yourself.

The last bout of cbt i did i was told to carry on doing the things i used to enjoy...because then doing enjoyable things would become habit and eventually you will enjoy them again.

Dont look too far into the future...i bet a year ago you didnt see yourself where you are....remember what you have achieved, as that is proof of how brilliant you are.

Take care lovely wabbit, be kind to yourself x

[wabbit1]

Thank you Jac. That means a lot, it really does.

[harasgenster]

I think it's natural to worry about this, but my therapist at the end of my sessions said the words "I truly believe you will never go back to square one" to me and her reasons were that once you are aware of your patterns and your emotions etc. you can't become unaware of them again. You might have the occasional blip - as I have recently - but you just need to put that in context. I've been really unwell over the last few weeks, but if I look at where I was a couple of years ago, I'm nowhere near as bad. And I've also bounced back quite quickly (even in the bounce back there are good days and bad days of course) whereas in former years it would have taken me months. So while no-one can promise you will be anxiety free forever after your therapy, the important part is how much it actually affects your life and how you manage it. As time goes on, there will be fewer blips and fewer blips until there are no blips anymore :)

It's a lifelong journey, but that doesn't mean you'll always classify as having a 'disorder' and it also depends on how deeply embedded your patterns are. I was referred for 'complex psychological needs' (nice way of saying, CBT just ain't enough) therapy because my issues stemmed from a dysfunctional childhood, but even with deeply embedded problems I've improved a huge amount and don't consider myself to have any kind of disorder anymore. I'll just keep getting better and better the older I get and the more lessons I learn. You will too. :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

Wow wabbit, well done on getting fit and losing the weight...I bet you didn't think you would ever do that? So, maybe there is a lesson there?

It's horrible isn't it? I feel the same about coming off meds and moving forward in this way. The thing is, while we are thinking this way we are losing out on actually moving forward and getting what we want, but we still do it!

It's like a safety behaviour from our subconscious. I know certain things that will help me move towards my goals but my subconscious is telling me I'm ok where I am, why rock the boat.

I guess in terms of relationships, things will be as they are (without forcing anything) but there is the truth that if you don't let it flow along, you will only sideline yourself.

[wabbit1]

Thanks for the replies. Struggling a bit tonight but I'm sure I'll get through it.