Hiya

[prettycunning]

Well as the title say hiya im new here tho not new to depression anxiety or seemingly every other bad thing that can go on in my mind.
ive pretty much come to the end of the line with ignoring it and trying to carry on the bad thoughts are worse and im not sure how much longer i can ignore them.
SO i am about to embark on the scary journey to fixing or atleast getting the guts to ask for the help i need.
Im hoping talking online will help me get the help i need.
:blush:

---------- Post added at 15:04 ---------- Previous post was at 13:34 ----------

Just want to add abit about me and why im here not sure if this is the right place apologise if its not

Well heres me finally realising that i need help and i cant ignore it anymore
ive always been prone to depression/anxiety started to notice it around 14 when i discovered my sister was my mum and i was being raised by my grandparents, i guess although we all spoke about it we never truly dealt with it and my mum (my gran but will always be referred to as mum) and tracy (my biological mum) have alot of bad feeling around themselves and the situ so for the first few years they were in competition with each other and constantly tried to get me to puck sides.

a few years after i found out i wanted to find my father but we tracked him down and he didnt want anything to do with me guess again i did nothing to deal with this and just carried on
nest comes my first real boyfriend who was jealous controlling and a drug addict and now homeless when we finished he became a stalker even now 12 years on he will still poke me on facebook if i un privacy my account

next i had my second boyfriend who became my husband he was controlling a liar and i have always strongly suspected a cheat to it started off small he would punch the wall right next to me block my exits lock me in the house and push me around then it got to the point that he strangled me every time we rowed one day i finally got the guts to call the police and he got them to arrest me because i had slapped him to stop him strangling me but i couldn't tell them that
next my biological mum moved to sri lanka for four years which finally gave me the strenght tho leave and divorce husband no 1 as he point blank refused to let me stay at my mums tracy over night as she was leaving
i moved back in with my mum and reconnected with an old mate we went out and i met her room mate (all to quickly )
he seemed great but i cant help feeling that he is emotionally messing with my head but i dont know if i just feel this way because of everything else
so here i am married to him 2 kids and suffering woth depression anxiety and paranoid feelings panic atacks and god knos what else
also me and tracy had a massive argument a few months ago and all the stuff about my first husband came out ( he rents one of my brothers houses and still gets on great with them all as i never told anyone about what happened) and basically she said she doesn't believe he abused me if he did its my fault and abused women are stupid to stay with them.
i believe this has sent me on a massive fall further into depression etc and its made everything really bad
i need to sort my head out so i can work out if me and hubby are good or bad
no idea where to begin as i really struggle to talk to doctors and no idea how this will end but i hope atleast this will be the first step on my long hard journey to good mental health
if youve read this far thanks sorry its rambly and badly written im struggling kids and other stuff but i just had to get it out there

[Oosh]

I read all of it !

I've been on my own and not known who's trustworthy or not. It's a terrible feeling. Feel free to bounce stuff off me and everyone else here. Everybody understands here and you'll get an honest opinion from everyone.

I can't believe your mate said she didn't believe your ex gave you a rough time. Maybe she was just responding out of anger. People tend to say stuff to hurt when angry.

Welcome to the site.

[Johnny43]

Hey,you've had it bad and it's a credit to you that your writing about it,you must have unbelievable strength to carry
On my problems seem small compared to yours

[prettycunning]

Thank you both
Its great to fund somewhere I can put my thoughts out there witout being judged

[prettycunning]

.

[Oosh]

Good move. Hopefully you can chat to others who have gone through and are going through what you have. I can see that making you feel better. :)

[Oosh]

Sorry it wasn't a mate who didn't believe you it was your biological mum Tracey. Got ya.

Does your hubby know you had marriage difficulties in the past ? If so then just say you still have problems with it and are going to get someone to talk to about it through the doctor. Then go to your women's aid thing and discuss the whole thing with them. Call it a women's group or whatever you want.

Anything that helps you get a good grasp of things is healthy and the right thing to do. Ask for counselling too while you're there at the docs. You need to be surrounded by impartial people who's opinions of your life you know you can trust. I reckon it'll help a lot.

[Oosh]

Well that's what women's aid etc are there for. Best thing is to discuss all of this with women who know exactly how you feel.

No it's not good not knowing who you can trust. The more impartial people you can be around the better because you know you can trust what they say.
Your doctor, write it all down if it's easier.
Support groups with other women to talk to.
A counsellor.

After all that you'll have a better grasp of things and will know what you want to do next.

[Oosh]

Before you think of going anywhere I'd get that support network built up, make women friends going through same thing, make sure you've got some of their phone numbers for support. And before you do anything get their opinions on things. That way you can be sure your decisions are the right ones.