Fear of going crazy

[morif]

Hi

I'm a 29 years old male. My case started 7 years ago when I was diagnosed with depression. Following that my depression developed other illnesses such as OCD and anxiety. I can say that during this 7 years my life had a lot of ups and downs and some sort of instability, very harmful at some points and normal at other points.

40 days ago I was in bed trying to sleep when i felt am too nervous and can't breath and ended up fainting. After waking up I had this massive fear of going crazy. One day after I visited a psychiatrist who prescribed me the following medications akamon, seroquel, and cymbalta. I have been on the medications for almost 2 weeks now and during those 2 weeks i had some days where i felt better and others where i was still suffering from my fears.

In last two days i feel that i had some kind of emotional blunt and loss of desire to talk, as whenever i talk to anyone i keep on doubting whatever i say and telling myself what if what am saying is impairment and people will notice that there is something wrong with. Though, at some occasions including a date that i had yesterday with a new girl i felt totally normal and had all my fears gone while with her.

Am totally afraid and overwhelmed by the idea that am going crazy and losing it and sometimes i can feel am convinced that i already did.


I hope that there is one here who can relate to my symptoms and give me some advises is what am passing through is truly scarring.

[aprilmoon]

It sounds like these are all anxiety symptoms. You're not going mad.
If you were ,you wouldn't be able to think as rationally as you are.
Anxiety s horrible,but you're not far into your meds yet,things should start to settle down as time goes on,you just have to be patient and bide your time with them.
Do you have any interests or hobby's that you could use to distract yourself?
Its important to try and get some fresh air and a bit of exercise each day,as that will help.
Try and do it,even if you don't feel like it.
I've come through a bad bout of depression and anxiety, but there is hope,and you can come out the other side
Too luck :)

[morif]

Hi aprilmoon and thanks for the re-assurance.

My problem is that all of these different symptoms changing from day to another are causing me set backs, its really disturbing to keep on watching every word you say and every action you do to reassure yourself.

I wish this will come to an end very soon as i have load of responsibilities and my anxiety is not helping at all.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think you should also consider the fact that in the first month of started antidepressant medications, they can cause a worsening of symptoms or new ones.

I remember when I started Duloxetine (Cymbalta), I also had periods where I felt much better and then when I increased to the standard dosage (as you have to taper on with Cymbalta), my anxiety greatly worsened for 8-10 days. After that it was all cycling between good and bad.

I can certainly understand how you think this on & off issue feels like you are going mad. It can stop you doing anything because you can't guarantee how you would be.

Can you think why things were different on your date to when you doubt yourself? It could just be the anxiety, certainly the lack of emotion is a possible side effect or a worsening of what you already felt which could be the medication side effects.

[morif]

Hi Terry,

Thanks alot for your reply and caring.

My problem now really is that i somehow got my self stuck in some infinite loop that never ends. I keep doubting every single thing i do or say and whenever i forget all my worries and start acting normally the idea of what if am now losing my sanity because i stopped doubting.

Am afraid that i will somehow convince myself that am crazy and dont know really if i should keep on taking my medications or see a physiologist who can help

[aprilmoon]

Hi
I can relate to these type of feelings too.
My ocd was so bad a while back I even took myself to a and e because I was convinced I was losing it!
I wasn't,it was all down to anxiety, so I do have an idea of what you're going through.
My psyche then put me on a very low dose of Olanzapine, which has helped me so much.
I would go back and have a chat with your doc or your psych,and see if they can offer something like this as an add on,possibly,because you don't have to suffer like this honestly,there are things they can offer that can help with this.
Take care :hugs:

[morif]

In fact am already on medications including a bromazepam (anti anxiety drug). I feel that what is causing my anxiety to increase is the horrible mood swings i experience; at morning when i wake up i always feel so bad that i dont wanna get out of my bed, then whenever am at work and take my medication (cymbalta and akamon) the whole thing changes and i barely have any fears or thoughts, this mood usually lasts till 6:00 pm, after that i feel that the fear become overwhelming to an extent that makes me feel that i already went crazy or lost control.

I dont know if anyone had felt the same mood swings and this feeling of losing it but its truly scary and causes huge set backs for me.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Something I have seen in mental literature in the UK is that if you think you are going crazy, you are not because those that do suffer to that extent do not realise it.

The fact that your moods are swinging so much is likely to be the reason you are thinking this. I've been having the swinging issues for a couple of years now but I didn't experience it until I relapsed. Prior to that, my GAD & depression wasn't like this.

What I can say, is that over time and by trying to treat this I have found that these cycles change by decreasing the bad ones. Then I started to experience shorter periods of the bad ones but they cycled around quicker.

Now I have started to experience less of the quick cycle and the only thing I have changed is to take a high strength cod liver oil in liquid form that gives over 700mgs of EPA & DHA and I started a high strength vitamin C. I've read that one of these Omega 3's (Can't remember whether it was EPA or DHA now) had been studied at strengths over 1000mg and showed favourable for treatment of depression. So, I thought it's worth a go and I'm struggling less with the mood swings. I did find my anxiety worsened in the bad periods for the first few weeks but after that it has become easier. I had a social occasion over the weekend that I had been anxious about, which impacted my mood a bit, and I handled it much better and enjoyed it!

I still wonder whether it's a medication thing with you though. They generally say that side effects last up to a month but we are all different and I have found that more intense side effects go quicker whereas less intense ones seem to take longer. It will be different for everyone though.

I think if this becomes unbearable, you need to speak to your doctor to see if this medication is not suited to you and they may try a different one. If you go over a month, then maybe the same. But if after a month this subsides, it will show it was the side effects.

Something to consider is that there is an element of OCD where you continually ask others to repeats things, say them again yourself, etc so this is a similar form of self doubt. Maybe you could try to treat it in the way you could this and see if things change?

I would really recommend the Mindfulness meditation to you. I have several forms of OCD on top of my GAD & depression and I've found that this has really helped with the thoughts. It may help you stop doubting what you are saying and doing.

Take care.

[morif]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

In fact i had a horrible night full of vivid annoying dreams, i waked up feeling that my head will explode with racing thoughts that made me feel that i totally lost it. I dont know this might be a reason of reducing the dose of the anti anxiety medication.

Am really feeling terrible right now and dont know what to do exactly this is really ruining my life!!!

[Ollie28]

Hi, I've been going through this for the last 6 months solid, it's so bad I can't work or some days function, constantly thinking, then thining about thinking then thinking backwards thinking I dont remember that because I was too busy thinking, then why your doing that your aware that your thinking again, it's a endless cycle, to the point where you feel trapped in your own concious mind,

I've been like this 6 months solid? I've scared myself to death Ive lost the plot but them same words of if I had I wouldn't be aware something was wrong has kept me afloat - just!!
I'm on 20mg of citalopram been on them for 3 months this morning I upped it to 40mg and I'm starting to experience stronger feelings of anxiety & crazyness,

Mood swings too I've been through it all, one minute I'm crying out of frustration because I don't want to be like this no more and think what's the point, 10 minutes later I'm happy and feel ok but still feel trapped in my head but everything's goin to be ok, the next I'm getting angry wanting to go and slap the shit out of the guy that helped make me like this, it's a horrible continuous cycle I've found, you just have to try break it easyer said than done I know.

Yesterday I cried all day out of pure frustration, felt like I struggled to function most of the day, went bed at 1am woke up at 6.30am don't feel like I've been sleep yet today I feel no way near as bad as yesterday in terms of mood, still struggling a little but I've got up got showerd dressed and even done my hair! Lol,
I go around In my head all day everyday, it's like thinking but aware that your thinking so then your aware your like this which again is you thinking,

I panic I've been like this all my life but never thought about it to know about it, and now I know about it how can I forget it I then start to get lost in my own head and panic!!
Then I reset and it starts all over again, it I watch tv or something catches my attention I can latch on then 10 seconds later snap!! I snap back in to my mind so I'm back on me again in there aware that I'm thinking it's messed up,

I've been through a really bad traumatic time and I done 5 months of constant 24/7 inwards negative thinking and went through some horrible emotions and thoughts, it was traumatic. It was hell - one night it hit me and where I was normal as I've always been I ended up like this,

I see a psychotherapist today at 2, hoping she can shed some light on it more or help me with more medication to just help to straighten and relax my thoughts,


It's funny you mention the date thing though, my trauma was marriage related my mrs after 14 years basicaly was up to summet in work with a work mate (man) I found out shit went off, she basically treated me like shit for the following 5 months, ignoring calls, I left the family home away from my 2 babies,
I went through hell basically - basically because of the person I am I tried to keep the family together in return I got hell from it and stress.
Anyways I ended up the better off for a few weeks felt great in the end started dating another girl, only lasted a week then ended up back with my wife then this hit me. But every now and then no matter how I feel I get this urge if a woman smiles at me, that I need to be single again, ....ild never cope alone but for some reason that and the single life excite me, a hour later il be begging my wife not to leave me!!!! Haha, it's not funny I wouldn't be laughing yesterday but like I said this anxiety is horrible.

[robinsky]

Hi

I'm a 29 years old male. My case started 7 years ago when I was diagnosed with depression. Following that my depression developed other illnesses such as OCD and anxiety. I can say that during this 7 years my life had a lot of ups and downs and some sort of instability, very harmful at some points and normal at other points.

40 days ago I was in bed trying to sleep when i felt am too nervous and can't breath and ended up fainting. After waking up I had this massive fear of going crazy. One day after I visited a psychiatrist who prescribed me the following medications akamon, seroquel, and cymbalta. I have been on the medications for almost 2 weeks now and during those 2 weeks i had some days where i felt better and others where i was still suffering from my fears.

In last two days i feel that i had some kind of emotional blunt and loss of desire to talk, as whenever i talk to anyone i keep on doubting whatever i say and telling myself what if what am saying is impairment and people will notice that there is something wrong with. Though, at some occasions including a date that i had yesterday with a new girl i felt totally normal and had all my fears gone while with her.

Am totally afraid and overwhelmed by the idea that am going crazy and losing it and sometimes i can feel am convinced that i already did.


I hope that there is one here who can relate to my symptoms and give me some advises is what am passing through is truly scarring.

Could it be that perhaps you long for companionship? Strikes me, if you felt calm and non-anxious when with this girl on the date, that speaks a lot about what you may need to overcome this issue - support! Seems like the right way to go.

[morif]

Could it be that perhaps you long for companionship? Strikes me, if you felt calm and non-anxious when with this girl on the date, that speaks a lot about what you may need to overcome this issue - support! Seems like the right way to go.

In fact i occasionally feel non-anxious and command whenever am busy with something serious like work or other responsibilities that i have tons of right now.

The companionship was reason why all my panic started as i feel that its something that i really want but my shyness when around girls always seems to be an obstacle in this regard.

Am just getting bored of these mood swings and i hope soon or later it will stable.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Vivid dreams are something associated with anxiety disorders and depression. They can also be triggered or intensified by anti depressant medication so it could be a side effect with you only starting them 2 weeks ago.

You mentioned about reducing your dosage though, has your doctor advised you to do this for some reason? If you are using a medication that requires tapering off e.g. SSRI's, SNRI's, etc then it can cause lesser side effects (and they can be ones you didn't experience when going onto them) or if you reduce them by too much it can be adverse and cause stronger side effects.

Hang in there, it's a long road to recovery for some of us but it does get easier.

[morif]

Actually I reduced the dosage of the anti anxiety medication (akamon) and not the SNRI and this was based on the doctor recommendation.

What caused me the vivid dreams is that I stopped taking this anti anxiety medication at night, on the other hand what helped me really yesterday was playing football, it made me really feel better last night and almost all the time today.

I hope I will be able with the assistance of sports and getting busy with my work to maintain my better situation, but I definitely will consider CBT as am looking for permanent solition with being dependent on medications.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Exercise will help you, for a start it regulates your hormones and helps you sleep - all confirmed by scientific studies. Just don't do it too close to bedtime as some people can't cool down enough to sleep. They say that for everyone, but it's disputed by other studies so judge how exercise within 4 hours of sleep may negatively affect your sleep.

Football is also good due to the team and social aspect. You feel part of something, so it will help with self esteem. Good choice there!

Why not look at Mindfulness? It has been combined by CBT to create MBSR (US) and MBCT (UK), which may interest you.

Reducing these medications can cause side effects, so it might just be that and it will go. I've always found the tapering off to need a good 15 days after completely finishing before the symptoms just disappear, but we are all different.

You are also only just going onto some medications as well, so couple this with reducing another one and it could be throwing you off a bit. Perhaps see how things go and judge later when you are out of all the side effect periods.

Some medications can cause vivid dreams if taken too close to sleep, so it can be a matter of finding whats right for you with all these things.

[morif]

The only thing that is still worrying me now is when i had some obsessive thoughts telling me that i had already went crazy, is usually happens at evening when am not busy with work or any other responsibilities.

Is this a normal thing that other people had experienced before and what is this phenomena called.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yes, it's normal for anxiety to rear it's head when you are doing less because you have more time to think about things. Distraction and being able to place no emotion on these thoughts will help you get beyond it.

You might find it useful to look at obsessional thoughts on here:

http://www.ocduk.org/types-ocd

I don't know what that is specifically called, but it's something that is common at times when you are suffering a lot of anxiety or having mood swings.

I would suggest that it is merely obsessive thinking, which would be in the intrusive thoughts bracket and that the fact it is trying to convince you that you are going crazy, is just the subject topic and it's just churning around as the subjects of intrusive thoughts tend to e.g. I'll never get better.

I found that through Mindfulness meditation and using distractions (keeping busy, healthy habits, etc) made this reduce greatly.

[morif]

The thing that irritates me more than anything is that whenever am having a laugh with friends or family i feeling it's out of my nature and that i might be losing control as I can be shy at times.

Am totally aware that i have to overcome this shyness because it can be a barrier yet these fears of going crazy are bringing me back into the cycle of worrying.

I feel normal only when am dealing with serious things but feel i cant have fun with friends and family anymore

[MyNameIsTerry]

Part of these disorders can be how we see how things should be, known as our 'Schemas'. The more you experience anxiety, I believe it can cause your Schema to change by retraining you to believe you should be anxious. I've spoken to others who have said they can be having a good time and feel that it is wrong or alien in some way which is because your Schema has adjusted to expect anxiety as opposed to no anxiety & happiness.

I think we just have to learn to accept that something is wrong right now, but it doesn't mean thats how it's going to stay. Just keep working at getting better, and it might take a long time, but small steps can be the way forward for many.

[morif]

Hi,

And here we go again!!! after few days of having my fears significantly reduced am back again into the cycle of worries, in fact i feel that am stuck this time and overwhelmed by my fears.

I dont know if this have anything to do with the increasing stress of work, financial situation, and load of other responsibilities but i feel desperate more than ever and cant find my way out of this stupid thoughts.

Ive been able to deal before with fear of death, fear of multiple diseases and many other obsessive thoughts and without any medications. now being on medications for three weeks this fear seems to be getting worse by time and am afraid of the worst now.

Am doubting every single thing am doing or saying and feeling worried even when my mood gets better. Any clue about this people?

[MyNameIsTerry]

I would suggest waiting until after the 4-6 weeks that it can be side effects from starting anti depressant medication. They affect us all differently, and different types can cause different types of side effects.

Once you are past that, this may change or dissipate so you can deal with it better.

Until then it is hard to say because it can't be ruled out that you are are experiencing more anxiety due to them alone.

[morif]

Thanks for your continuous support Terry!

Actually i wish i can know whats going on with me i cant stop having horrible thoughts and feeling, at some points of the day i feel that i already lost and gone crazy, at others i feel that am being like a mentally retarded person, then when i wanna forget all of these stupid things and act normally i feel its not me and any change i notice in my behavior is causing me to freak out.

Dont know if what am experiencing is normal and what can be the end of this.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thats ok morif, its what the forum is all about and there are loads of helpful people on here who will take their time out to do the same.

I know its hard, but please remember that you are at the beginning of this with the medication. Once you get past the side effect periods, you can then judge how your anxiety is actually affecting you because right now you can't rule out the side effects.

You haven't gone crazy and you won't go crazy, thats just the anxiety and if you have a look through the various boards, you will see posts that discuss this because many of us go through it. When I hit my worst periods, I could barely brush my teeth without feeling I was panicking...I never thought I could get to where I am now, but I have.

You need to learn to become less reactive to the things you notice and this will take some practice. I would suggest looking at the free CBT course on this website, many use it and say its very good. I would really encourage you to start Mindfulness because it will help your mind let these thoughts float through without emotional reaction and you will find it will be less and less over time.

There have been studies of people without anxiety disorders and even they recorded harmful intrusive thoughts but didn't realise this or place anything on them until the researchers told them how to record them. With an anxiety disorder, we get more and we notice them a great deal more. Noticing them and adding emotional response then triggers the subconscious to store them as such issues so that they are recalled in the future. The more you then do this, they more it reinforces it. Its all well proven science.

Why not try using a thought diary? Write down the thought, how it made you feel and then use affirmations to counteract it. Here is a website with a load of useful psychology tools that include these:

http://psychology.tools/download-therapy-worksheets.html

You could do this and read back the affirmations and perhaps this will reduce the reactions over time?

I think you are also practicing the "What ifs?" and catastrophizing which is common in anxiety disorders. I did this a lot myself. There are tools on that website for these things that might help.

[morif]

Hi

In the last 4 days I noticed a magnificent progress in my mood as the intense thoughts of going crazy had almost vanished.

Moreover, in the last 4 days I feel started being interested in all things I used to enjoy, I even feel that I would like to socialize and talk to people at all time and not only that but in a good mood to joke all time and do some small crazy things. I even became more comfortable in dealing with people and overcame my shyness to a good extent.

As much as am happy with this progress, am a bit concerned about this 180 degrees change. Is it really normal to happen?

I feel that part of what pushes me to be more talkative and In a joking mood is the jittery feeling where I feel that by doing this my nervous body will become more relaxed.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Could it be that the medication has gone past the side effect stage and that you are feeling some benefit from them?

It could be that you are having mood swings but I think you won't know until you experience it shifting back to low again. You could use a mood diary to track all this.