How do you control your hope?

[lior]

I'm looking for somewhere to live and finally after 3 weeks something more promising has come up. A friend of a friend of a friend is looking for a housemate. I went over today and it's a lovely little house, quaint furniture, a proper garden, and really cheap for London. It's next to a high street and 5 mins walk from one of my best friends.

The guy was really nice but honest that there is someone else who is after the room. I know he likes me but I'm not sure if it's his decision entirely. I made it clear that I would love to live there. We had a great conversation about art and social change... we really got on. I would love to live there.

Now I am quite worried because I am hopeful. First I felt calm because it looks like things might just work out. Then I remembered that most of the times I've been hopeful recently, I've been let down. Each time I get hopeful I get crushed. Each time it gets worse. It's got to the point that I stop feeling any joy or hope from potential offers; even if they seem for certain, they can't be real until they happen. And even then, with things like work, even if you have a year contract, they can still make you redundant three months in.

So my trust in opportunities is shattered. I've stopped feeling proud of myself for things like getting interviews or getting work, because it might fall through. I can't let myself be hopeful about this new potential place to live, in case I don't get it and it goes to someone else. I'm numbing myself, and stopping myself from feeling pride in achievement or relief or joy, in case I open myself to disappointment, which I just can't handle any more.

Usually I'm a tough cookie and take disappointment well - a win some lose some attitude - but it's got a bit too much recently.

How do you deal with this? Is there a way of thinking that will help me cope with the disappointment? Is there a way I can allow myself to feel good? Please let me know if you have any nuggets of wisdom for me.

[Fishmanpa]

Hope is and has been the driving force behind humanity since the beginning of time. The very definition is: to want something to happen or be true and think that it could. Without it, we would have achieved what we've achieved in life.

It's also the driving force behind determination. It's the "Little engine that could" in all of us.

Do you control it? I believe you do. It's like the quote from Henry Ford: "If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right" There's three ways of looking at things IMO. Optimistically, pessimistically and realistically. To answer your question, it's my opinion that a combination of optimism and realism is the key. Keep the hope and temper it with realism. From what you're saying there's a realistic chance that this opportunity will pan out thus the optimism and hope. Have a backup plan. Keep pursuing another place to live. It's the "Don't put all your eggs in one basket" theory.

Good luck! I "hope" things work out for the better :)

Positive thoughts

[Sunflower2]

A colleague at work lives by this simple saying - what's for you won't go past you. There's always disappointments in life but there's also good times. I also have an issue with being too hopeful and feel like it's definitely going to go wrong if I hope too much. But there's always going to be more opportunities and always a way to find a way through to hard times.

[lior]

Have a backup plan, what's for you won't go past you, there will always be another chance. Thanks guys, nice mantras. A mix of realism and optimism.

I hope that some good things will come to me now. I've spent so long investing in making good things happen - I hope that things will start to pay off. I'll let you know if I get the room :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think sometimes we just need to not think about it at all and let things happen on their own. I've said this many times to people who have had their job interview and are worried about how it went, what they said, etc...well the answer is simple - whats done is done so why keep raking over it?

Do you do Mindfulness meditation? It could help with this in the long term, it takes time to learn though, because it teaches you to control your thoughts and to be a more compassionate person (not saying you aren't already, but perhaps it could make your more compassionate to yourself) and it helps to teach you acceptance.

[lior]

I do a bit - I know I could do more. I really enjoyed yoga with one particular teacher but she's gone now. My current yoga teacher isn't that great with guiding meditation - it's more of a workout for her. I would really like some good yoga now. This yoga teacher is cheap and friendly and I've met some cool people through the class... but eventually I think I'd pay more for a good guided meditation during yoga.

I usually tell others to live without regrets. Believing you should have done something differently can torture you. But actually that anxiety has a function - it helps you decide to do things differently in the future. It helps us grow as human beings. The problem is when we get anxious disproportionately about things we have done or could do, or when we get anxious over things we can't control at all. I get anxious over both, but more about the things I could do. I strive to be my best. So any time I under-perform, I get stressed and I don't forgive myself. I don't forgive myself for things I did badly years ago, even though I know that's irrational.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thats interesting because there is a teacher who has been advertising near my home who teaches a form called Kundalini. I know a fair bit about Mindfulness from reading about it, the works of Mark Williams, etc and from the description on her poster it seemed to me that this form was more focussed on wellbeing than the physical.

I read up on it via Google and it seemed to confirm this, in that it is yoga for everybody for everyday life as opposed to the harder & more physical forms.

Maybe thats worth a look for you? There are some DVD's on Amazon and they get good reviews.

A totally agree with what you say about your mind storing these memories to influence future decisions and how anxiety disorders can distort this. The areas of the brain that work with this storage (Amygdala, Hippocampus, etc) judge a memory based on the emotional reaction and so if you store more negative memories, it makes sense that these memory stores will trigger the emotions they think you should be feeling. The cycle just gets worse and maintains the anxiety disorder.

Mindfulness is said to help with all this, which I why I thought it worth mentioning because it might help you do this at a subconscious level. It's know to make people more accepting and compassionate, which would seem to be a go way to have a better outlook on life thus having a more realistic view of hope.

There are Buddhist centres all over the country such as Tara, maybe they coule be worth a look. I know there ones in my area are £5 a session. These seem to be more about meditation, I don't know if they use objects, eating, etc as you would in Mindfulness, but I would hope so considering they are practicing this from Buddhism itself.

[robinsky]

I'm looking for somewhere to live and finally after 3 weeks something more promising has come up. A friend of a friend of a friend is looking for a housemate. I went over today and it's a lovely little house, quaint furniture, a proper garden, and really cheap for London. It's next to a high street and 5 mins walk from one of my best friends.

The guy was really nice but honest that there is someone else who is after the room. I know he likes me but I'm not sure if it's his decision entirely. I made it clear that I would love to live there. We had a great conversation about art and social change... we really got on. I would love to live there.

Now I am quite worried because I am hopeful. First I felt calm because it looks like things might just work out. Then I remembered that most of the times I've been hopeful recently, I've been let down. Each time I get hopeful I get crushed. Each time it gets worse. It's got to the point that I stop feeling any joy or hope from potential offers; even if they seem for certain, they can't be real until they happen. And even then, with things like work, even if you have a year contract, they can still make you redundant three months in.

So my trust in opportunities is shattered. I've stopped feeling proud of myself for things like getting interviews or getting work, because it might fall through. I can't let myself be hopeful about this new potential place to live, in case I don't get it and it goes to someone else. I'm numbing myself, and stopping myself from feeling pride in achievement or relief or joy, in case I open myself to disappointment, which I just can't handle any more.

Usually I'm a tough cookie and take disappointment well - a win some lose some attitude - but it's got a bit too much recently.

How do you deal with this? Is there a way of thinking that will help me cope with the disappointment? Is there a way I can allow myself to feel good? Please let me know if you have any nuggets of wisdom for me.

What you have to remember about hope is that, as a door slams shut, another one will open, as long as you believe that it will.

[lior]

Robinsky I have been going through my whole life seeing the opportunities in the failures. Usually this type of attitude works perfectly fine. I get the law of attraction which is like The Secret I think (though I haven't read that book) - if you are positive, more positivity will flow to you. I have been supremely positive and bounce back in the face of adversity. But it doesn't work 100% of the time. Several forces outside my control acted against me in quick succession. It takes time to recover from each serious setback - it takes longer when there's several. I recognise that I am in a negative place and because I know about the law of attraction, I realise that more negative things will come to me. I am fighting this every day by being generous to others, focusing on enjoyment and socialising - building up my positivity. I hope it will work.

MyNameIsTerry - thanks for that. Where is that Tara near you? I'm in London and it's hard to find cheap yoga! I know yoga is meant to be more about wellbeing than the physical - my teacher is a newly graduated teacher. I asked her about meditation today and it turns out she's not really into it, which makes sense! If she can't do it herself, she's not going to be able to lead it. I'm going to have to look up some of your recommendations, thank you :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm in the Midlands and there is one of there centres just across the boarder heading to Derby, near Uttoxeter I think. I know I've been passed it.

Thats a shame, she seems to be more into the physical which is a bit like being an exercise fanatic but not eating sensibly!

There is loads out there on Mindfulness, free courses (8 week one on the therapy board quite recently), Headspace, Mark Williams & Jon Kabat-Zinn, plus things like quick Mindfulness exercises. So, perhaps you might find what you need on the internet or in books & DVD's?

I know there are some Kundalini yoga ones on amazon because I looked it up after seeing this advert to see what others thought of it. One lady seems to produce quite a few and gets good reviews.

There is also Tai Chi & Qi Gong. Qi Gong is the easier form to learn. These are movement based forms of Mindfulness really and there are many teachers out there. Shaolin centres tend to offer Qi Gong, since the monks practice things like this. Again, there are media based versions if not.