Pink Flamingo
18-08-14, 12:20
Not sure how I have turned into the person I have become. I've gone from a young women with (nearly) all dreams realised to a worried, sick and confused shadow of my former self. I have always been an over thinker - very active imagination.
My parents ensured I was brought up in a loving environment. I had a great start in life.
In my early twenties and in my last year at uni I gave birth to my first child. Obv not planned but I was determined to make the best of the situation and to take charge of my responsibilities. Whilst her father turned out to be a very negative presence in my life for loads of other reasons not relevant here - my daughter was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I got my own place, got a job and worked very very hard. It Was here that I met James (not his real name) James was one of the founding directors. He gave me confidence, he made me believe that my life could be more than a fight to pay my bills and feed my daughter. I was only 25 then but living the life of a woman way older! He taught me to laugh again and to have fun. He was and still is a blessing. Money is not everything but my hard work in the sales department started to pay off - my salary started to double, triple and went beyond my wildest expectations. My salary was huge. I could afford anything. Before my sales job I was left with >£200 after bills per month to look after my daughter and feed us both. It was an unreal situation.
I think this is all relevant so bear with me a little here. I had gone from being in what many would call an impossible situation (young, single mother and no money) to having the man of my dreams who loved me for me and money that I had earned independently through my hard work.
Fast forward 5 or so years - I started to have headaches. James and I had been living together for a while now and started planning to have our own child. The headaches were strong and I never used to have headaches. I thought they could be migraines but whist they were painful they were not that strong. The doctor said I was fine but I had started to think about brain cancer and I demanded a referral. I had private healthcare and wanted to use it to determine a quick and complete diagnosis of whatever it was that causing the headaches.
I kept a rough headache diary and went to see a specialist in London who pretty much said there was nothing wrong with me but would book in an MRI to stop me worrying. The MRI showed up all clear and the headaches went. James and I laughed that my worrying about a headache led to an MRI and how silly I was. At the time it was very funny. Looking back though it was the start of my nightmare.
A year after this James and I started to try for a baby. We were successful straight away and over the moon. When the time came for our first scan James put on his best shirt and we excitedly went to see our baby. No happy ending here however as the scan had showed our baby had anencephaly and had to be terminated. The odds of a baby developing this condition is very low. I could not believe this had happened to me. I was devastated. The termination could only be done in 2 weeks time so I spent the next two weeks at home heartbroken carrying a baby who was alive and growing but could not be born. I was young, fit and healthy - I couldn't understand why.
We did eventually go onto have a child in late 2010. Sometime after the birth I had noticed blood in my stools. I had put it down to childbirth. But 12 months after it was difficult to keep using this reasoning. This coincided with a large campaign for bowel cancer awareness - realising I met ALL the symptoms I went to see a doctor. The embarrassment I felt when the doctor (who was very gentle) had to examine me was huge but she could see internal bleeding and referred me on to a specialist.
The specialist examined me within 2 weeks and confirmed I was bleeding internally and that I would have to have a colonoscopy and an MRI. The examination was worse this time - I cried afterwards. I felt ashamed and dirty. I was only 30 and it didn't feel fair - silly thought as it wouldn't be fair to anyone. The doctor said though that he couldn't see anything cancerous but these words didn't help. I was bleeding. It could be cancer. I could die.
We were due to go on holiday and I had to wait until after the holiday to get my results. I was a mess. Crying and phoning my mum so not all my anxiety went onto James. The thought of waiting for the results was horrific.
The colonoscopy results showed I had a mild form of ulcerative colitis. It was the best outcome I could have hoped for. It is a chronic disease that I have to take medicine for for the rest of my life but the chances of developing cancer from this are small. As I am in a higher risk category that normal I will have to have regular colonoscopies when I hit early forties i believe.
Having two low odds incidents happen to me as thrown me into a spiral of craziness which I don't know how to escape from. I think I have diagnosed myself with every cancer you can imagine (every prostate absurdly!) I can't cope with it. This is in part mixed with the thoughts that I do not deserve the life I am now leading. Surely I am going to be discovered and left back in an impossible situation with two children to care for. Nothing that is perfect can last. I have this belief that if everything goes right for you watch out as the bubble will burst quick. I have lost two young ladies close to me and my family who died when they were at the pinnacle of their lives. Life was going to catch up on me too. My grandmother is still alive and strong, my mother is healthy and beautiful so I think it's my turn for something horrible to happen to. It's bound to be me- the odds are against me. We can't all three of us lead long loving lives. How do you even deal with that mindset? How can anyone help me.
I found a lump on my side and an MRI showed it was just a fatty lump. Since then I have not been able to have a bath in case I start examining myself and find another. I shower instead. I hate being alone with my body in case I find something.
Breast cancer is my new 'thing'. I have been over checking my breasts for the last few months and I'm now sure I've found a lump in my left breast which is bigger than the right so bound to be lumpier. I always seem to check before my period where my breasts are naturally more tender and bigger but this reasoning doesn't quell the panic in me. James (now my husband of 5months) can't feel it but I know it's because he didn't feel it we'll enough. I know the lump is probably due to my cycle but I just think ' this is it, this is the condition that will kill me'. I really think I have breast cancer.
My fear of dying is intense. I have a running narrative in my head which tells me I'm not going to see my children grow up, that James is going to be a widow but my last words will tell him to find happiness. I hear songs and cry thinking that I will choose them for my funeral. At the most happiest point of my day words (not voices - def not voices!) will enter my head telling me to 'enjoy it as I won't be here for much longer.' I am NOT suicidal. I am terrified.
I have a doctors apt after my period so a doctor can tell me whether of not she is concerned with this lump. Annoyingly we have a holiday booked between then so I will have this hanging over me.
What's really frustrating is that the last week or so I felt better and was not worried about any aspect of my health. I was able to tell James that I was happy - which I haven't been able to do in a while. James beamed at me! But now I've found the lump I'm distant and in my own world. Googling to make me feel better - but it makes me worse. I'm tired and my sex drive can just disappear. I find it hard to be happy, how can I be happy?
I will ask my doctor to put me forward for CBT therapy but if anyone has made it to the bottom of my long and boring tale I would really really really appreciate some support. I haven't been this honest with anyone. I might not post back, I might delete this account in a few days when I find myself embarrassed for writing all of this but I will read this and hopefully find some strength.
I went from nothing to having everything I could want but I can't enjoy it. I can't see my future anymore. I don't think I have one. I think I will die soon.
I'm desperately sad.
My parents ensured I was brought up in a loving environment. I had a great start in life.
In my early twenties and in my last year at uni I gave birth to my first child. Obv not planned but I was determined to make the best of the situation and to take charge of my responsibilities. Whilst her father turned out to be a very negative presence in my life for loads of other reasons not relevant here - my daughter was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I got my own place, got a job and worked very very hard. It Was here that I met James (not his real name) James was one of the founding directors. He gave me confidence, he made me believe that my life could be more than a fight to pay my bills and feed my daughter. I was only 25 then but living the life of a woman way older! He taught me to laugh again and to have fun. He was and still is a blessing. Money is not everything but my hard work in the sales department started to pay off - my salary started to double, triple and went beyond my wildest expectations. My salary was huge. I could afford anything. Before my sales job I was left with >£200 after bills per month to look after my daughter and feed us both. It was an unreal situation.
I think this is all relevant so bear with me a little here. I had gone from being in what many would call an impossible situation (young, single mother and no money) to having the man of my dreams who loved me for me and money that I had earned independently through my hard work.
Fast forward 5 or so years - I started to have headaches. James and I had been living together for a while now and started planning to have our own child. The headaches were strong and I never used to have headaches. I thought they could be migraines but whist they were painful they were not that strong. The doctor said I was fine but I had started to think about brain cancer and I demanded a referral. I had private healthcare and wanted to use it to determine a quick and complete diagnosis of whatever it was that causing the headaches.
I kept a rough headache diary and went to see a specialist in London who pretty much said there was nothing wrong with me but would book in an MRI to stop me worrying. The MRI showed up all clear and the headaches went. James and I laughed that my worrying about a headache led to an MRI and how silly I was. At the time it was very funny. Looking back though it was the start of my nightmare.
A year after this James and I started to try for a baby. We were successful straight away and over the moon. When the time came for our first scan James put on his best shirt and we excitedly went to see our baby. No happy ending here however as the scan had showed our baby had anencephaly and had to be terminated. The odds of a baby developing this condition is very low. I could not believe this had happened to me. I was devastated. The termination could only be done in 2 weeks time so I spent the next two weeks at home heartbroken carrying a baby who was alive and growing but could not be born. I was young, fit and healthy - I couldn't understand why.
We did eventually go onto have a child in late 2010. Sometime after the birth I had noticed blood in my stools. I had put it down to childbirth. But 12 months after it was difficult to keep using this reasoning. This coincided with a large campaign for bowel cancer awareness - realising I met ALL the symptoms I went to see a doctor. The embarrassment I felt when the doctor (who was very gentle) had to examine me was huge but she could see internal bleeding and referred me on to a specialist.
The specialist examined me within 2 weeks and confirmed I was bleeding internally and that I would have to have a colonoscopy and an MRI. The examination was worse this time - I cried afterwards. I felt ashamed and dirty. I was only 30 and it didn't feel fair - silly thought as it wouldn't be fair to anyone. The doctor said though that he couldn't see anything cancerous but these words didn't help. I was bleeding. It could be cancer. I could die.
We were due to go on holiday and I had to wait until after the holiday to get my results. I was a mess. Crying and phoning my mum so not all my anxiety went onto James. The thought of waiting for the results was horrific.
The colonoscopy results showed I had a mild form of ulcerative colitis. It was the best outcome I could have hoped for. It is a chronic disease that I have to take medicine for for the rest of my life but the chances of developing cancer from this are small. As I am in a higher risk category that normal I will have to have regular colonoscopies when I hit early forties i believe.
Having two low odds incidents happen to me as thrown me into a spiral of craziness which I don't know how to escape from. I think I have diagnosed myself with every cancer you can imagine (every prostate absurdly!) I can't cope with it. This is in part mixed with the thoughts that I do not deserve the life I am now leading. Surely I am going to be discovered and left back in an impossible situation with two children to care for. Nothing that is perfect can last. I have this belief that if everything goes right for you watch out as the bubble will burst quick. I have lost two young ladies close to me and my family who died when they were at the pinnacle of their lives. Life was going to catch up on me too. My grandmother is still alive and strong, my mother is healthy and beautiful so I think it's my turn for something horrible to happen to. It's bound to be me- the odds are against me. We can't all three of us lead long loving lives. How do you even deal with that mindset? How can anyone help me.
I found a lump on my side and an MRI showed it was just a fatty lump. Since then I have not been able to have a bath in case I start examining myself and find another. I shower instead. I hate being alone with my body in case I find something.
Breast cancer is my new 'thing'. I have been over checking my breasts for the last few months and I'm now sure I've found a lump in my left breast which is bigger than the right so bound to be lumpier. I always seem to check before my period where my breasts are naturally more tender and bigger but this reasoning doesn't quell the panic in me. James (now my husband of 5months) can't feel it but I know it's because he didn't feel it we'll enough. I know the lump is probably due to my cycle but I just think ' this is it, this is the condition that will kill me'. I really think I have breast cancer.
My fear of dying is intense. I have a running narrative in my head which tells me I'm not going to see my children grow up, that James is going to be a widow but my last words will tell him to find happiness. I hear songs and cry thinking that I will choose them for my funeral. At the most happiest point of my day words (not voices - def not voices!) will enter my head telling me to 'enjoy it as I won't be here for much longer.' I am NOT suicidal. I am terrified.
I have a doctors apt after my period so a doctor can tell me whether of not she is concerned with this lump. Annoyingly we have a holiday booked between then so I will have this hanging over me.
What's really frustrating is that the last week or so I felt better and was not worried about any aspect of my health. I was able to tell James that I was happy - which I haven't been able to do in a while. James beamed at me! But now I've found the lump I'm distant and in my own world. Googling to make me feel better - but it makes me worse. I'm tired and my sex drive can just disappear. I find it hard to be happy, how can I be happy?
I will ask my doctor to put me forward for CBT therapy but if anyone has made it to the bottom of my long and boring tale I would really really really appreciate some support. I haven't been this honest with anyone. I might not post back, I might delete this account in a few days when I find myself embarrassed for writing all of this but I will read this and hopefully find some strength.
I went from nothing to having everything I could want but I can't enjoy it. I can't see my future anymore. I don't think I have one. I think I will die soon.
I'm desperately sad.