Anxious and going crazy!

[Pink Flamingo]

Not sure how I have turned into the person I have become. I've gone from a young women with (nearly) all dreams realised to a worried, sick and confused shadow of my former self. I have always been an over thinker - very active imagination.

My parents ensured I was brought up in a loving environment. I had a great start in life.

In my early twenties and in my last year at uni I gave birth to my first child. Obv not planned but I was determined to make the best of the situation and to take charge of my responsibilities. Whilst her father turned out to be a very negative presence in my life for loads of other reasons not relevant here - my daughter was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I got my own place, got a job and worked very very hard. It Was here that I met James (not his real name) James was one of the founding directors. He gave me confidence, he made me believe that my life could be more than a fight to pay my bills and feed my daughter. I was only 25 then but living the life of a woman way older! He taught me to laugh again and to have fun. He was and still is a blessing. Money is not everything but my hard work in the sales department started to pay off - my salary started to double, triple and went beyond my wildest expectations. My salary was huge. I could afford anything. Before my sales job I was left with >£200 after bills per month to look after my daughter and feed us both. It was an unreal situation.

I think this is all relevant so bear with me a little here. I had gone from being in what many would call an impossible situation (young, single mother and no money) to having the man of my dreams who loved me for me and money that I had earned independently through my hard work.

Fast forward 5 or so years - I started to have headaches. James and I had been living together for a while now and started planning to have our own child. The headaches were strong and I never used to have headaches. I thought they could be migraines but whist they were painful they were not that strong. The doctor said I was fine but I had started to think about brain cancer and I demanded a referral. I had private healthcare and wanted to use it to determine a quick and complete diagnosis of whatever it was that causing the headaches.

I kept a rough headache diary and went to see a specialist in London who pretty much said there was nothing wrong with me but would book in an MRI to stop me worrying. The MRI showed up all clear and the headaches went. James and I laughed that my worrying about a headache led to an MRI and how silly I was. At the time it was very funny. Looking back though it was the start of my nightmare.

A year after this James and I started to try for a baby. We were successful straight away and over the moon. When the time came for our first scan James put on his best shirt and we excitedly went to see our baby. No happy ending here however as the scan had showed our baby had anencephaly and had to be terminated. The odds of a baby developing this condition is very low. I could not believe this had happened to me. I was devastated. The termination could only be done in 2 weeks time so I spent the next two weeks at home heartbroken carrying a baby who was alive and growing but could not be born. I was young, fit and healthy - I couldn't understand why.

We did eventually go onto have a child in late 2010. Sometime after the birth I had noticed blood in my stools. I had put it down to childbirth. But 12 months after it was difficult to keep using this reasoning. This coincided with a large campaign for bowel cancer awareness - realising I met ALL the symptoms I went to see a doctor. The embarrassment I felt when the doctor (who was very gentle) had to examine me was huge but she could see internal bleeding and referred me on to a specialist.

The specialist examined me within 2 weeks and confirmed I was bleeding internally and that I would have to have a colonoscopy and an MRI. The examination was worse this time - I cried afterwards. I felt ashamed and dirty. I was only 30 and it didn't feel fair - silly thought as it wouldn't be fair to anyone. The doctor said though that he couldn't see anything cancerous but these words didn't help. I was bleeding. It could be cancer. I could die.

We were due to go on holiday and I had to wait until after the holiday to get my results. I was a mess. Crying and phoning my mum so not all my anxiety went onto James. The thought of waiting for the results was horrific.

The colonoscopy results showed I had a mild form of ulcerative colitis. It was the best outcome I could have hoped for. It is a chronic disease that I have to take medicine for for the rest of my life but the chances of developing cancer from this are small. As I am in a higher risk category that normal I will have to have regular colonoscopies when I hit early forties i believe.

Having two low odds incidents happen to me as thrown me into a spiral of craziness which I don't know how to escape from. I think I have diagnosed myself with every cancer you can imagine (every prostate absurdly!) I can't cope with it. This is in part mixed with the thoughts that I do not deserve the life I am now leading. Surely I am going to be discovered and left back in an impossible situation with two children to care for. Nothing that is perfect can last. I have this belief that if everything goes right for you watch out as the bubble will burst quick. I have lost two young ladies close to me and my family who died when they were at the pinnacle of their lives. Life was going to catch up on me too. My grandmother is still alive and strong, my mother is healthy and beautiful so I think it's my turn for something horrible to happen to. It's bound to be me- the odds are against me. We can't all three of us lead long loving lives. How do you even deal with that mindset? How can anyone help me.

I found a lump on my side and an MRI showed it was just a fatty lump. Since then I have not been able to have a bath in case I start examining myself and find another. I shower instead. I hate being alone with my body in case I find something.

Breast cancer is my new 'thing'. I have been over checking my breasts for the last few months and I'm now sure I've found a lump in my left breast which is bigger than the right so bound to be lumpier. I always seem to check before my period where my breasts are naturally more tender and bigger but this reasoning doesn't quell the panic in me. James (now my husband of 5months) can't feel it but I know it's because he didn't feel it we'll enough. I know the lump is probably due to my cycle but I just think ' this is it, this is the condition that will kill me'. I really think I have breast cancer.

My fear of dying is intense. I have a running narrative in my head which tells me I'm not going to see my children grow up, that James is going to be a widow but my last words will tell him to find happiness. I hear songs and cry thinking that I will choose them for my funeral. At the most happiest point of my day words (not voices - def not voices!) will enter my head telling me to 'enjoy it as I won't be here for much longer.' I am NOT suicidal. I am terrified.

I have a doctors apt after my period so a doctor can tell me whether of not she is concerned with this lump. Annoyingly we have a holiday booked between then so I will have this hanging over me.

What's really frustrating is that the last week or so I felt better and was not worried about any aspect of my health. I was able to tell James that I was happy - which I haven't been able to do in a while. James beamed at me! But now I've found the lump I'm distant and in my own world. Googling to make me feel better - but it makes me worse. I'm tired and my sex drive can just disappear. I find it hard to be happy, how can I be happy?

I will ask my doctor to put me forward for CBT therapy but if anyone has made it to the bottom of my long and boring tale I would really really really appreciate some support. I haven't been this honest with anyone. I might not post back, I might delete this account in a few days when I find myself embarrassed for writing all of this but I will read this and hopefully find some strength.

I went from nothing to having everything I could want but I can't enjoy it. I can't see my future anymore. I don't think I have one. I think I will die soon.

I'm desperately sad.

[Dolphin8808]

I am so sorry. I can really relate to the fear of cancer and of dying. After my father passed away from cancer, my health anxiety went through the rough. I realize now that I had it a long time, I had stomach pain and pushed my OBGYN to do a biopsy on my ovary... I had xrays of my hip for I was sure I had hip cancer, I had them check my neck for lymph nodes. I was sure I had lung cancer, got a chest CT Scan and MRI. Sure I had stomach cancer, had an endoscopy. Sure I had colon cancer, had the colonoscopy, sure I had skin cancer, had the doc do a skin biopsy.

Its a vicious cycle, but one you can break. You need help though. Which means, you have a primary care doctor who you can talk to about your irrational fears. Tell them your symptoms and how you automatically take it to a sinister level, let them decide if its actually something to worry about or not. If they say NO... then trust what they tell you. If they do the tests and tell you you are ok, trust them. Don't question if they missed something or what if.

I take zoloft and xanax as needed. The zoloft truly does help with the OCD side of Health Anxiety. It is controllable but you have to also find a therapist you can trust. Someone who knows how to deal with anxiety, OCD and panic. Its huge to find someone you can relate to. They can show you how to deal, how to work through it and how to move on.

You aren't alone!!!

[nursegreenwhippet]

Sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I hope you will find some help on this site, it is very good and everyone is so kind.
It sounds like you have been through a lot - losing a baby is a really big deal and then your bowel issues on top of that.
I too have had health anxiety - its worse when I am stressed and I notice it especially before any event like Christmas or going on holiday.
I think it would be really helpful for you to go on an anxiety course - I just did one and although I thought I knew everything already I still learnt some helpful techniques and it was good to know there are other people just like you.
I know its easy to say but life is all about beginnings and endings that is the cycle of life, we are all born and we all die, sometimes acceptance of that helps. To become less scared of death (even though im sure you are absolutely fine) mindfulness can help a lot - there is a book called full catastrophe living by jon kabaz, its seems way out but its helped me a lot to understand why we dwell on health issues and how to think in a different way.
Good luck and I hope that helps a bit. Everyone here will understand what you are going through.

[izzy'smum]

I am sat here crying as I read your post because I see so much of myself in you. I do the same. I obsess, panic and can't put it away until I've seen a doctor. I've been so poorly but I promise you that CBT can help. I have been fine for the last 8 months but have now had a bit of a relapse this past week. I do know that I can get back to how I was.

The worse is when you know you should be happy, you have every reason to be happy but you can't let yourself. It kills me that I can't let myself be happy when I have everything going for me.

Give CBT a go and you will be able to get in control of this.

[Rosiebee87]

Hiya,

Firstly just want to say you are not alone. I posted my first post on here only the other day and the support you can get on here from other people going through the same thing really helps. It's hard for others to understand. Even those closest to you. They listen but can't feel the fear you feel inside.

I'm 26, recently bought a house. 2 beautiful children and a great partner. Maybe it was the stress of buying a property that triggered my anxiety but a part of me felt like things in my life were going 'too perfect' and something was going to go wrong.

I started to get breast pain, itching, aching. Found a little lump last month that then disappeared but I was obsessively checking. Kept thinking I was dying and my little ones were going to be without me. I had an ultrasound which turned put to be nothing. Deep down I knew it was nothing but still caused me a lot of fear and anxiety.

I have had a couple of scares in the past, cervical abnormal cells and my daughter was born very tiny due to part placenta dying so I do think going through scary things can definitely play part in the way we see things.

Currently I 'think' I have leukaemia and I have another breast ultrasound booked for Friday, I'm probably 99% going to be fine but when I'm at my worst I think I've definitely got something wrong.

I was referred for cbt last week but it has a long waiting list in my area so have been put on medication today till then as seemed to be spiralling quickly out of control. I hope it works.

Go and see your gp and get some support. Try and nip this in the bud like I am :)

[jjjh]

I could write your first few paragraphs word for word about myself! I have the very same anxieties also, I'm fortunate that I've not lost a baby but I would say my health anxiety started after my fathers death. It's very hard living this way, especially when we generally suffer in silence. I hope everything works out for you, you are not alone!

[stressedGuy]

Your story sounds familiar and very well written. It would be a pity to delete it; I'm sure quite a few people drew some strength from it. It took me back to when I had my first bout of HA. For you it was headaches, for me it was pains in my stomach that I wrongly assumed to be stomach cancer. Someone I knew died from it a few months previously. What followed in the next couple of months was many, many GP appointments, sleepless nights and anxious days until it was eventually resolved with the aid of an endoscopy. Turned out to be an ulcer and easily treatable.

That could and should have been the end of it but my mind had other ideas. From that time onwards, a switch had been flicked inside my head. In the years that followed, almost every minor symptom from a cough, sore throat, mouth ulcer, bump, bruise, stiffness, convinced me that I had a terminal cancer. The list is so long, it's almost funny. I even made up some symptoms. Recently, I was outside with a group of people and everyone was getting bitten by insects except for me. For a few hours I wondered if it was because my blood was diseased and the insects somehow knew this. But this was too crazy even for me and I managed to shake it off quite quickly.

Sometimes, I've been able to resolve things in my own head without medical intervention but other times, I've needed a GP to help reassure me. I've had CBT, which was helpful. I've had periods where I've been on antidepressants (which didn't work for me).

It's probably quite irrelevant but, like you and your husband, my wife and I lost a baby too. It was at 26 weeks after tests showed that he had Triploidy, a rare chromosomal disorder incompatible with life. In a strange way, it removed me from my health anxiety for quite some time. I suppose my mind had found something "real" to focus on.

As I reminisce about some of these dark times, it reminds me that we are all the product of our experiences; the good and the bad. This HA thing is just one of those things that challenges us as we stumble through life. I can think back to some really dark days where I just wanted to sleep and not wake up. Days where I would just sit in a fog of despair and wait for the inevitable terminal diagnosis. I'd sit and run through scenarios where I'd be told the news; would I be by myself or would my wife be with me? How would I break the news to my family? The scenarios are endless and I don't want to drag everyone down. Some of them even have violin music playing in the background :)

I can relate to the last line of your post where it sounds like you're at a really low point and think the future is bleak. Many of us have been there and have gotten through it. We may find ourselves back there a few times but we get through it again and realise that life is still good.

I hope that you don't feel completely alone. There's always people here from all over the world that understand how you feel. Even though, HA can be a lonely situation; surrounded by people you love who don't understand what's going on inside your head and don't see why you can't just "snap out of it"