rossthekid
18-08-14, 18:30
Hey guys,
I have decided to write a sort of diary account of my road back away from this terrible thing we all call anxiety. Hopefully it will have the benefit for me in to see my progress and if successful it will help other people who suffer.
I think it is always best to give a brief background on my life and the trouble this feeling has caused me. 13 years ago I was a typical 26 year old guy. I had recently got married and had just had our first child. I had a busy stressful job in the NHS which was quite traumatic at times and i had the normal outside life stressors that we all do. Money bills etc. To be honest I was a worrier, but hey so was my mum, and I would probably over analyse things far to much but that was me. My son was 1 and he was the worst sleeper ever. I worked loads of different shifts and my body as knackered both physically and mentally. I had noticed some minor gastric problems and had a horrible experience with choking fairly recently prior to my first panic attack. Can you believe that it came on whilst driving to work singing to Robbie Williams.
I didn't know what it was, what had happened to me? I was dizzy and sick and couldn't stand up straight. I got home and later felt a bit better. I was signed off work as soon after the symptoms seem to get worse. I was agitated and at times could not stand still. I walked every day for long periods. The thought of driving my car made me ill.
I went to a few doctors at that time and they tested me for everything. There must be a reason for this. They thought diabetes and I was nearly hospitalised at one time. I styed home as this felt the safest place. But even there were times I could not sit upright in a chair. All my tests were normal, of course but that caused me more concern what was it? A couple of doctors suggested I just take things easy, go for a drink etc, relax. Eventually one GP first mentioned anxiety. It was like a light switched on, not that he explained much but at least I had an avenue to explore options and google search engine became my new best friend. Eventually the GP discussed medication as an option, CBT would be good but you had to wait 3 months to see anybody.
Medication was described to me as trying to find a key to the anxiety relief door as different meds worked for different people. It was also explained that it would take some time before I would notice the benefits, great I thought why could it not be like paracetamol for a headache. So we tried and off course the side effects on certain ones forced me to change meds and quickly. I must have tried 6 or 7 different ones over a quick period. Initially they made me feel great for 24 hours even manic but then the bad stuff happened. Eventually I found one that didn't have severe side effects but just made me numb and tired and that was escitalopram. I took 20 mgs at night and I could sort of function, with difficulty but function.
Over the next few years I managed to return to work, take exams and pass more degrees. The negatives were I was really a shell, I had lost me, I was irritable, tired, lost interest in what I used to do. Wow what a catch my wife is a lucky girl. But in truth there was nothing I could do, this was me now.
Was I a great father, not really, was I a great husband not really, did I laugh and enjoy life, yes but it was fleeting. Through this time, periodically I would see CBT or my Gp to review things. There were times where I would think I need to get off this meds or increase dosage but nothing really worked, if anything things would be unstable until I returned to my optimal dose. I did try to stop the meds twice but after about 1 week I would phone the GP panicking as I felt the worst ever and he just restarted the dose and within a couple of days I retuned to this me again.
My family were great and my parents knew all about anxiety as both of them had similar episodes in there life. They just kept saying time is a healer, it will get better. However I had one boss when this started say to me you do realise you need to give yourself a shake. That helps right.
I had removed all my life stressors even moved jobs to an area of less stress. I had tried everything from hypnosis to counselling.
I just felt like rubbish.
About 6 months ago I started to notice that I had increased anxiety feelings even though I was still on the meds. Suttle to begin with i.e. sore neck, more blurred vision etc. I saw the GP who said I had strained something. It was like tooth ache. I was in a meeting and suddenly felt like a minor tremor, a wave of cortisone rushing over my body. I noticed I could sit at lunch times. Something was not right. I explained to the GP who said the escitalopram and run its course, time for a change. He asked me what I would like to try next. Can u believe that. I went for Prozac, why I am not to sure, but hey in the long run it turned out to be an inspired choice.
This med made me feel awful, and I mean off work awful. The next 2 months were spent having side effects of one dose, side effects of increasing dose and finally side effects of reducing dose. It was hell. I had enough I went in and was so angry. I don't know me anymore what am I treating. Its been 13 years and I am medicating something I am not to sure is there. I was so confused. In my heart I knew this was the right thing to do, so I stopped everything. A huge decision after so long, a risk you might say. The reason I say Prozac was an inspired choice was due to much research I realised it is the drug of choice on which to withdraw from as it has a long half life meaning the side effects were not to bad.
I researched medication, read patient stories and soon realised that I had been medicating myself for years as my withdrawal had been difficult from escitlopram. Have I had a GP state this to me, No, did they advise me properly on withdrawal previously No. I had accidently chosen the best drug to come off and find my baseline.
It feels strange after no meds for 2 months. My anxiety is a sort of chronic mild case. I don't suffer from panic attack it just feels constant mild agitation. My main issues are tiredness from fatigue and anything physical drains me beyond running a marathon. I went back to CBT. Hey ive taken my plaster cast of so maybe I can now physio myself, was my thought.
I started some mindfulness guided mediation. Just 20 mins a day, which is so nice to get a small break from the constant. But my break through seems to have came from a chance internet search and a book by Paul David entitled A life at last. The reviews were great and he has been through this rollercoster. He make you understand, stops you battling it, constantly questioning. My body is tired, my mind id tired for 13 years of chronic worry and questioning. Why me? Why do I feel like this? When will I get better? My brain needs a rest. I am not battling anxiety issues from 13 years ago I am anxious about feeling anxious. I read it and the light didn't switch on, the whole room lit up. I HAVE A GUIDE, A PLAN, A WAY OUT OF THIS MESS. It will not be easy, I have new outlook, anxiety has been welcomed by me into my life, it will be a long road but I can for the first time see a way out. Since reading it I have done more than I did in the last 6 months. I feel better already just by reading it. There is no magic cures out there. But the solution to this was sitting on his butt hiding behind medicines for the last 13 years.
I am going to keep a regular diary to review my progress and hopefully so people can see progress. I am getting better, I feel 60% of myself but I am determined to keep going because I want my life back.
I have decided to write a sort of diary account of my road back away from this terrible thing we all call anxiety. Hopefully it will have the benefit for me in to see my progress and if successful it will help other people who suffer.
I think it is always best to give a brief background on my life and the trouble this feeling has caused me. 13 years ago I was a typical 26 year old guy. I had recently got married and had just had our first child. I had a busy stressful job in the NHS which was quite traumatic at times and i had the normal outside life stressors that we all do. Money bills etc. To be honest I was a worrier, but hey so was my mum, and I would probably over analyse things far to much but that was me. My son was 1 and he was the worst sleeper ever. I worked loads of different shifts and my body as knackered both physically and mentally. I had noticed some minor gastric problems and had a horrible experience with choking fairly recently prior to my first panic attack. Can you believe that it came on whilst driving to work singing to Robbie Williams.
I didn't know what it was, what had happened to me? I was dizzy and sick and couldn't stand up straight. I got home and later felt a bit better. I was signed off work as soon after the symptoms seem to get worse. I was agitated and at times could not stand still. I walked every day for long periods. The thought of driving my car made me ill.
I went to a few doctors at that time and they tested me for everything. There must be a reason for this. They thought diabetes and I was nearly hospitalised at one time. I styed home as this felt the safest place. But even there were times I could not sit upright in a chair. All my tests were normal, of course but that caused me more concern what was it? A couple of doctors suggested I just take things easy, go for a drink etc, relax. Eventually one GP first mentioned anxiety. It was like a light switched on, not that he explained much but at least I had an avenue to explore options and google search engine became my new best friend. Eventually the GP discussed medication as an option, CBT would be good but you had to wait 3 months to see anybody.
Medication was described to me as trying to find a key to the anxiety relief door as different meds worked for different people. It was also explained that it would take some time before I would notice the benefits, great I thought why could it not be like paracetamol for a headache. So we tried and off course the side effects on certain ones forced me to change meds and quickly. I must have tried 6 or 7 different ones over a quick period. Initially they made me feel great for 24 hours even manic but then the bad stuff happened. Eventually I found one that didn't have severe side effects but just made me numb and tired and that was escitalopram. I took 20 mgs at night and I could sort of function, with difficulty but function.
Over the next few years I managed to return to work, take exams and pass more degrees. The negatives were I was really a shell, I had lost me, I was irritable, tired, lost interest in what I used to do. Wow what a catch my wife is a lucky girl. But in truth there was nothing I could do, this was me now.
Was I a great father, not really, was I a great husband not really, did I laugh and enjoy life, yes but it was fleeting. Through this time, periodically I would see CBT or my Gp to review things. There were times where I would think I need to get off this meds or increase dosage but nothing really worked, if anything things would be unstable until I returned to my optimal dose. I did try to stop the meds twice but after about 1 week I would phone the GP panicking as I felt the worst ever and he just restarted the dose and within a couple of days I retuned to this me again.
My family were great and my parents knew all about anxiety as both of them had similar episodes in there life. They just kept saying time is a healer, it will get better. However I had one boss when this started say to me you do realise you need to give yourself a shake. That helps right.
I had removed all my life stressors even moved jobs to an area of less stress. I had tried everything from hypnosis to counselling.
I just felt like rubbish.
About 6 months ago I started to notice that I had increased anxiety feelings even though I was still on the meds. Suttle to begin with i.e. sore neck, more blurred vision etc. I saw the GP who said I had strained something. It was like tooth ache. I was in a meeting and suddenly felt like a minor tremor, a wave of cortisone rushing over my body. I noticed I could sit at lunch times. Something was not right. I explained to the GP who said the escitalopram and run its course, time for a change. He asked me what I would like to try next. Can u believe that. I went for Prozac, why I am not to sure, but hey in the long run it turned out to be an inspired choice.
This med made me feel awful, and I mean off work awful. The next 2 months were spent having side effects of one dose, side effects of increasing dose and finally side effects of reducing dose. It was hell. I had enough I went in and was so angry. I don't know me anymore what am I treating. Its been 13 years and I am medicating something I am not to sure is there. I was so confused. In my heart I knew this was the right thing to do, so I stopped everything. A huge decision after so long, a risk you might say. The reason I say Prozac was an inspired choice was due to much research I realised it is the drug of choice on which to withdraw from as it has a long half life meaning the side effects were not to bad.
I researched medication, read patient stories and soon realised that I had been medicating myself for years as my withdrawal had been difficult from escitlopram. Have I had a GP state this to me, No, did they advise me properly on withdrawal previously No. I had accidently chosen the best drug to come off and find my baseline.
It feels strange after no meds for 2 months. My anxiety is a sort of chronic mild case. I don't suffer from panic attack it just feels constant mild agitation. My main issues are tiredness from fatigue and anything physical drains me beyond running a marathon. I went back to CBT. Hey ive taken my plaster cast of so maybe I can now physio myself, was my thought.
I started some mindfulness guided mediation. Just 20 mins a day, which is so nice to get a small break from the constant. But my break through seems to have came from a chance internet search and a book by Paul David entitled A life at last. The reviews were great and he has been through this rollercoster. He make you understand, stops you battling it, constantly questioning. My body is tired, my mind id tired for 13 years of chronic worry and questioning. Why me? Why do I feel like this? When will I get better? My brain needs a rest. I am not battling anxiety issues from 13 years ago I am anxious about feeling anxious. I read it and the light didn't switch on, the whole room lit up. I HAVE A GUIDE, A PLAN, A WAY OUT OF THIS MESS. It will not be easy, I have new outlook, anxiety has been welcomed by me into my life, it will be a long road but I can for the first time see a way out. Since reading it I have done more than I did in the last 6 months. I feel better already just by reading it. There is no magic cures out there. But the solution to this was sitting on his butt hiding behind medicines for the last 13 years.
I am going to keep a regular diary to review my progress and hopefully so people can see progress. I am getting better, I feel 60% of myself but I am determined to keep going because I want my life back.