An Anxious Noob

[WaylonMason]

Hi. I’ve been quietly suffering from a number of issues for most of my life, mainly OCD and social anxiety. They have prevented me from reaching my potential and I’m tired of facing this hindrance. Whenever I’m in the spotlight, among large social groups, or faced with a new situation I am struck with anxiety. This can cause loss of sleep and appetite, and debilitating IBS flare-ups.

One example is during dates. I overanalyse, struggle to eat, emotionally invest too early, compulsively check my phone, and fail to show my true personality. If I receive validation (e.g. obvious flirting, a kiss, etc) then I immediately relax, but until then I’m all over the place. I find the pressure I put on myself mentally exhausting and if someone decides to stop dating me then I really struggle to deal with the rejection.

I know I shouldn’t be scared and with age I’ve tried to take a more ‘screw-it’ attitude rather than one of avoidance, but I still endure the waves of anxiety and its side-effects. It's frustrating because if I'm in control and comfortable with the situation then I can be a very confident and outgoing person. If anyone has any advice then it would be hugely appreciated as I sometimes worry that my anxiety might edge me towards depression and loneliness.

I would add that just writing this has already helped.

[Oosh]

Hiya

"It's frustrating because if I'm in control and comfortable with the situation then I can be a very confident and outgoing person."

Or if you don't care or have not placed so much importance on it.

I've always struggled with this. Inhibitions, crippling self consciousness, performance anxiety.

I think for some people with a particularly sensitive nervous system (shy, anxious, introverted types ?) we/they can fear the embarrassment, rejection, making a fool of yourself that bit more than others. As a result you inhibit yourself. You watch yourself (self consciousness) and ultimately care WAY too much.

I can't really change those things for you. But it helps to understand. When you understand why you're stifled and not being yourself and overly anxious you can try to see it in ways that allow you to care less therefore not needing to feel you need to inhibit yourself.

The goal is to -
Forget yourself
Be yourself
Flow without checking yourself
ENJOY YOURSELF

How could you care less and reduce the importance you place on it all ?

What about if you saw her as more worried and nervous than you ?
Then you'd empathise with her. You wouldn't want her to feel so nervous so you would try to relax her. You could coax her out of her shell by being silly. In order to be silly you have to show her what not caring looks like. So show her !
"Look I don't care. I'm going to allow you to laugh at ME so you can relax and feel that you can be yourself without worrying about it."

Whether she IS shy and inhibited isn't relevant. It's got you considering HER well being instead of protecting yours. All of a sudden you're thinking of how SHE might be feeling and thinking of ways to make her feel better.

Get out of yourself.
It's much easier to talk and do stuff once you've started.
It gets much harder the longer you're quiet and thinking about it.

Bring her down in importance. Look for her flaws. Look, she's human just like you !
Two imperfect people, you make a great couple !

Raise your importance. What's good about you ? Why are you a catch ? Why are you likeable ? Feel good about yourself, you are very likeable, you are lots of great things.

You feel good about yourself.
You feel good about her.
Neither of you care too much.
You've been making sure she feels ok all night so she's happy.
You both enjoy yourselves.

You're not overly bothered if it doesn't go well. You know you have lots of good things about you and that there will be more opportunities.

[harasgenster]

I agree with Oosh that it's the importance you're putting on it all.

You just need to work out why it's important (I've had to do all this for myself recently so I know where you're coming from...)

Is it important because it 'says something about you'? I.e. "Their rejection says I'm not a 'good enough' person?" Do you go into dates fearing they will not like you because you think there is something wrong with you? Or is it an emotional need (this is what it is with me) - like "I feel very alone", which will make you grab on with both hands when you seem to be offered the chance to quell the loneliness - and it will all make it seem far more important than it is...I tend to find that I am confident at the start of dating (i.e. I assume they will like me), but once I have started to get attached (thereby beginning to quell the loneliness) then I will feel extreme anxiety unless I get reassurance that they are going to stay around (because that would mean "going back to feeling painfully alone"). So for me, I'm probably looking for a saviour ("take the pain away"). Do you think it's that or do you think it's common garden low self esteem ("make me feel good about myself")? As I said I had to try and work this out for myself recently so I'll tell you how I did it and you can see if it helps. If this was a problem with your self esteem you would feel like less of a worthwhile person when not in a relationship/dating - so you would feel better about yourself in a relationship. If it's 'the need for connection', which is what it is with me, you will feel just as good about yourself regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship (i.e. you do not feel your relationship status reflects on you), but you will feel 'safer' or 'more complete' when you know you are loved or wanted.

If you can work out why it's so important to you, you'll be able to sort out the underlying issues before going back into dating :)

BTW, as this is an issue that has hit me extremely hard recently I'd be happy to 'buddy up' with you to discuss what kind of steps we're both taking? It might help with motivation. At the moment, I'm concentrating on looking at how I can feel less empty and alone in life in general so that I don't feel any need for a romantic relationship.

[WaylonMason]

Thanks for the comments. They all make sense; it's just putting them into practice on the day that is the hard part. If I choose to ask someone on a date it’s because I really like them, so already I’ve placed them on a pedestal and added pressure to the occasion. I’d love to just waltz between dates, care-free, unconcerned about the result, but it’s just so hard when you’re hindered by a fear of rejection and failure.

To answer your question directly, harasgenster, I separated from my girlfriend of eight years just over a year ago and I think I just miss the close companionship, so when I find someone that I like, that I want to date, it feels like an opportunity to experience that kind of connection again. But the thought that I might let a potential relationship slip through my fingers because I wasn’t myself on the first few dates and was unable to relax because of anxiety is really distressing.

Maybe it’s OCD, but I hate being in the dark with my dates as to their feelings. I had one only yesterday which left me uncertain and it played on my mind so much that I was unable to eat my lunch. I texted her later in the evening but she politely declined a second date, and so now I couldn’t eat my dinner because I was thinking about why I’d been rejected. I’d love to be able to escape this mentality, as sometimes I’m not even that enamoured by them.

Today I spoke to a doctor as these types of experiences lead to days of unrest/illness, and re-trigger my IBS symptoms, and so he prescribed me beta-blockers and referred me to a therapist, so I’m hoping this will help calm my butterflies in future as I have a couple of other dates on the horizon and I like them both. I dream of one day going on a date, having a drink, a meal, having fun, laughing and feeling totally relaxed - feels like a pipe dream currently.

If anyone has any more thoughts, or advice, please let me know. And yes, happy to buddy up, harasgenster. Drop me a message.