View Full Version : What's to do next...?
Hi and good evening everyone,
Need so help and advice really - Can anyone help me get "out" of this feeling?
I can't get outwards of my mind, no matter how much I try or try not to try (I'm still trying) I can't get out of my own head! I think I done so much constant inwards negative traumatic thinking for so long It feels like my brain power has all gone to the front of my head leaving me feeling stuck inwards,
I don't even know if that's possible!!!?? Thats the way I've thought about it for do long it's like I've trained my brain to be like this by accident, 8-(
The pain is mostly all day, it leaves me in tears because I feel I can't escape my mind. I start to panic if I begin to think I'm stuck like this (anyone escaped this feeling?? Please tell me there's a way) I struggle to behave like I use to and think like I did,
Some days I just think it's DP but I'm hypervigalant and think way way to much (I always have really working alone all day and driving around long journeys) so it feels like that,
The I panic and think that I've always been like this but because I've never know about I've never thought about it but now I know I'm constantly aware of my conciousness so when I'm trying to do something I'm in my own heads thinking to my self that I'm thinking, it's like some sort of OCD!?? I can't get away.
I've gone out some days with a pocket full of cash, I can go do want that day to try to take my mind away from it but I find no matter what I do I can't escape it,
I'm constantly stuck there aware thinking to myself that I'm thinking "it" with "it" then when I try not to think about it I'm thinking about it because I'm stuck only with that part of my head so no matter what I just can't open up and feel out of that part of my head. Even as I write this I'm saying every word in my head! arrrrrrrrrrr!!!! It's hurting physically too!
I feel stuck on the wrong side of my thoughts and can't open up,
It was really bad at the start I couldn't think at all or function anything like I use to, it's got a little teenie bit better in 6 months I've had one or two interested creep back in but still I'm nowhere near able to live my life in this way.
I feel so disconnected my thoughts are really powerfull - it's like it's just me and my thoughts with no outwards connection so my thoughts are powerfull as I can't really like I use to feel about a thought, I just get thoughts and I have to try to judge if it's a good idea or bad idea - sounds messed up but that's how I'm stuck,
It's so bad the pain is gettin me down too, when I go bed I struggle to sleep
Because I can't get my head to shut off. If I fall asleep I have powerfull life like dreams because my brain won't shut off. It's like it's just me and my brain, I wake up feeling I've not been asleep,
....I've tried many of times to go out look outwards listen outwards not think internally but what happens is obviously I'm trying not to think so basically I am thinking even though I try to distract myself outwards - my brain and body start to tense up I get more and more tense I feel sick and start to get head bad head aches and racing thoughts like time is somehow speeding up
I can't feel my stomach.
Pain killas don't work, sleeping tablets don't help I've taken 150mg of nightol, only ment to have 50mg I feel tense and wide awake in the front of my head,
Sorry to waffle on (again) I do apologise if someone has already answers this already because I feel this way nothing sinks in this head if mine.
Anyone think this could be the result of setraline? I wasn't this bad at one point took that for 4 days and was on my hands and knees in pain screaming feeling like I was losing my mind!! 8-)
Thanks in ad anvance again go you all! Any help and advice on how to get out if this mess would be great, my pherapist I me today looked at me like she wasn't sure what to do with me, I've tried CBT couldn't remember anything as hard as tried to.
Tried having a play on my little girls ps3 this evening - the harder I try to play the harder I have to concentrate tensing my head up. Played 15 mins had to turn it off I kept losing my way as I was disconnecting going inwards as I was so wrapped up in it I wasn't a clue what was happening and my eyes were going blurry as I was getting lost in the game - 15 seconds later snap I'm back up in there checking in and conciously aware of my self,
Also because I'm like this anything that would usually make me anxious and out butterfly's in my belly now feels like a waterfall of adrenaline and my stomach burns.
I think I've posted enough can't remember how long I've been typing I'm not aware...
8-) xxx
---------- Post added at 21:13 ---------- Previous post was at 21:12 ----------
Omg! Sorry for the long post!! Xx
Hey. I understand exactly how you feel, don't worry, you've put it very well. Isn't it exhausting.
To get this out the way with first - Do not have more than the prescribed doseage of any medication whether or not it's over the counter. ESPECIALLY not sleeping stuff. If it doesn't work, try something else instead of taking more.
You need to rest your mind, it's so worn and tired. The best way of doing this is with your imagination. The problem you have is a little circle. You're thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking. It seems so big because it's your thinking and it consumes all your...thought. Yeah, confusing. It takes your mind too much effort to shake it off so it's given up. Oh well! You can give up too. If you imagine your thinking as this circle, you'll see it's just a circle. Just one little circle in the midst of everything. If you imagine this you will see it as a release to know that this problem you have is not all consuming as your mind will have you believe, but just a little circle going round and round.
Now if you imagine placing yourself somewhere in the white space outside of the circle so that your are not thinking this way...suddenly you feel a little click as you know you can step out of this when you want. This is mindfulness - stepping out of whatever you think you are in and looking down on it as just another experience in the midst of all other experiences.
It's what Claire Weekes called the groove in the record going round and round. One day the needle will slip past it and you'll go back to normal.
That's the other thing, a little faith to rest your mind on like a crutch. To forget would be the best way to be better, so you could just forget to think this way a while. Well one day you will! Nothing lasts forever, this will pass. Having that little bit of knowlege will relax your mind a little at least.
Something you may not have tried is thinking more. Doing the opposite of what you want to do which is block this all out. Try as hard as you can to think these confusing things. And just watch your confused mind get bored. You won't blow up or go mental if you let your mind run wild - instead it will calm down and move on to something else. You could do this a number of times a day as timed exercises.
That reminds me of something else - although you may be a bit past this. Put your thoughts in a box and allott a time to open the box and think about them for a set time. It's just a box in your mind though. When you think unwanted thoughts tell them you will deal with them at this time. When the time comes, most often you will find the thought you had earlier has either lost it's power or been forgotten. This proves that a thought is just a thought - it's what you attach to it with anxious feeling that is the problem. You will find anxiety will attack a thought foremost as it always gets there first as a defense thing - but it always dies down with repetition and undertanding.
Hope that helped a bit!
Great post PanchoGoz !
(Frantically cuts and pastes and fills his pockets and runs away)
MyNameIsTerry
20-08-14, 03:51
I've been here too with all the internal chatter and I found my way out of it by learning Mindfulness. I have OCD and it has reduced my rituals and the intrusive harm thoughts just float by without emotional reaction.
Have a look on the therapy forum as there are threads in there with links to various sources e.g. Headspace, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Professor Mark Williams, etc.
It can be done Ollie, but Mindfulness takes time. It could help in a week, it could take weeks, it could be months, but it will help if you keep at it every day until you start to feel it working. I know that I started to feel a change in my attitude to things, to others, etc.
Mindfulness will help you focus, something that you are not really doing right now because whilst you might be intensely focussing on this set of thoughts, you aren't able to focus on anything that you want to without this intrusion. Mindfulness meditation, guided form, starts by teaching you to relax, feel your body, sensations, the thoughts, etc but then to let it be automatic, let the thoughts drift and if they drift where you don't want them to go you can pull them back to your focus.
It is a large area, it can range from guided meditation with breathing inductions to eating, walking, movement based forms such as Tai Chi & Qi Gong, etc. These are all good e.g. eating teaches you to use more than one sense by touching, tastiing, looking, feeling different textures, change in taste, how it makes your mouth feel, how it makes your stomach feel, etc.
Hi many thanks for taking the time to reply to me I can't tell you how much I appreciate it I honestly do,
I honestly don't know how or where to start with the advice because I'm so suffocated in my own head I'm struggling to think how to go about it, I feel like screaming??
Is it possible to do so much constant inward thinking non stop that I've exercised my brain to work this way?? Is that possible? Or had this gone on so long I'm thinking like this 24/7
I'm in agony I can't much more! 24/7 for 6 months.
Going back to when all my stress started first off I was in hit by shock, then I was going through emotional carnage up down here there mentally, physically too I never took anytime away from my job I just carried on the best I could....
Looking back I can remember driving to work when it was all happening & saying to my colleagues on a couple of accessions "I havnt a clue how I got here" but never thought anything of it, I went through higher levels of emotion and stress as I went deeper in to the trauma, started hitting the gym harder boxing through anger and emotion, still going to work, still hitting a low then next minute a high, then anger then panic by why all this was happening I still wasn't aware of this problem I still kind of felt normal other than the emotional changes within minutes.
I started to notice little things we're happening half way through it all (lasted 5months 24/7)
Things like putting tools down in work and struggling to find them
My boss talking to me then having to say ...sorry I didn't get any if that even though I was staring straight at him, I was staring through him into my own world but thought nothing of it.
I started having these episodes that lasted a few minutes where it would be like ild shut down/space out/feel strange/ I'm guessing this was my bodies way of starting to say it's had enough but again I thought nothing if it but at the time I just felt like I was tired thought no more of it.
Ild get in my van put the blowers on get on the motorway home 15 miles later ild be like damn it's hot in here and realise the blowers were still on full hot!
Thought nothing of it again, carried on the stress kept coming by this point I was bouncing around like a 18 year old, high on adrenaline I'm guessing, going the gym boxing twice a day, it's only now and look back I know that was t really me feeling good it was me about to hit a break down. Only if I knew back then.
Could you call this a break down??
I also notice my behaviour changed, I was swearing infront of my bosses wife (not very gentleman like something ild never do before) but again it wasn't me and at the time I wasn't aware anything was wrong,
I was deep inward thinking, going over and over every negative thing I could, my trauma was family related I love my family and my life is them everything I done was with them in mind, everyday I worked was with pride for my children I'm a very proud hard working man, ...or was!8-(
So the thought of Christmas not being there, holidays not gong on them as a family, not going on days out with my wife and kids ever again I went deep deep down in to negative thinking all day everyday 5 months solid, crying, panic, anger, frustration, loneliness, you name it I hit it,
Any how's sorry to blabber on,
It hit me one night - before that night I still didn't have any awareness anything was wrong, I must admit I was still bouncing around hyperactive like a 18 year old it in a rebble way lol, I'm a 30 year old responsible adult in a way that I was now single I was looking good I had money I just felt amazing - anyhow me and my wife ended up getting back together 3 weeks we were like a house on fire, the day before I was in work on the Friday as normal half way through my first installation I shut down I felt it too, my apprentice even asked if I was ok... I never thought anything of it, just said I'm tired. My last job was in charley then I was done, so we done the last job and called for a can of redbull, had that drove back the office clicked off, went the gym done some boxing went home on a high, got ready and went out with my wife and another couple for a Chinese, I was fine having a laugh and a joke next thing again it's like I just shut down I couldn't even join in the conversation, still didn't realise anything. Went home went bed the next day I woke up feeling strange. But it was in the evening it hit me. I felt like i was hit by a train! Didn't know where I was I started to panic and I've been like this since, feel like Stuck like this now. I've Been through hell since. Experienced some horrible sensations, feelings, pain, cry all the time out of frustration out of missing my old self and life and my job.
Miss my kids, miss being me.
I've tried everything even went back work Thursday & Friday because I've been off for 6 months solid and have nothing to lose, I did ok but the pain in my head from trying to think and act outwards, concentrate, focus, and trying to remember stuff and act normal was enough to send me in a horrible place Thursday night, Friday I was a little better, enjoyed the day but didn't feel any better in terms of able to live like that.
Just don't know what to do What can I do to start the process of getting better? If I rest at home I find I go deeper and deeper detached. If I watch tv I start to panic because of the same reason, I have to keep busy but tire myself out to the pint I get frustrated with all this shit.
I have no attachment I struggle to even think what to do like my minds locked up or not processing so I end just walking around like a idiot asking my wife to tell me what to do,
It's that bad now gone on for that long I've thought about suicide for days on end but can't leave my kids. I've thought about leaving my family home because I don't want this life for them I don't want them to sink with me I'm putting so much stress on my partner I feel like I'm just a pain in there life.
I worked hard to get where I was, I wanted the best for my children I give 110% in to taking care of my family and now I'm like this because of mistake my wife made,
The thing is I have no other family, I have no remaining financial help, I don't feel anywhere near ready to work, some days I struggle to think proper!
I love my wife but it's her mistake we are like this,
I don't know what to do no more I don't know where to turn what to do,
Will I ever get out of it? When I click out of it and yawn like I'm 100% perfect mentally and physically what's that all about!!!!!!!! Why dosnt it stay?!
I had to go back to work my boss is giving up on me, I've put 5 years of hard physical labour in to my job that I trained in since I left school and I'm close to losing it all, its hard to accept? It's hard to accept any of it.
Anger, frustration, sad, lost, giving up hope. Once was a proud hard working man so scared il never get the chance again, because of the way I am so detached, lost, in pain I'm finding I have no order or planning skills, I can't even think of words I need to type like I have a mental block all the time,
I'm scared I'm losing the plot, once was a intelligent gas engineer now I struggle to think of words and spell proper!
I need help, I've seen 3 drs, 3 mental health assessors, 2 therapist and in no better off than I was the day I walked In to my drs 6 months ago,
Tried all sorts of medication,
All I feel like I'm here for now is to suffer and just be around for my kids, the pain I'm getting is enough to drive anyone insane not go mention the other messed up sensations, feeling, emotions, and experiences.
What do I do??...
This can't be depression, my mum is bipolar and has seen me like I am she can not relate to any of this. My sister has GAD she too can't relate to any of this.
The feelings of feeling lost and "what do I do, where am I, where am I going freak me out, that's not normal - I've been like that all day today I've been tagging along with my wife because I can't mentally think of things to do by myself like my minds just not working in that region,
Sorry for the looooooong post! No awareness what I'm going when I'm concentrating on one thing at a time. Please help.
6 months too and still no diagnosis, each time I'm told something different,
I wake up every morning I get up out of bed with energey, but something just isn't right, I've not once in 6 months stayed in bed to down, depressed, can't be botherd moving, I get up everyday and it's like I don't know how to go about anything, I feel lost, not normal but upset, scared, but lost like "how" do I go about the morning and day, I don't know "how" to make plans I don't even see to have the natural feeling of "just getting up and going about the day" I have to keep think itv what to do and how to do it, I feel strange and lost....
The messed up thing is I know this is happening to me, it's not like I'm un aware if it, it's not like I feel me as I always have but feel worried or anxious I feel like
I'm ill and summet ain't quite right and I'm just somehow staying with it.
My post above I felt like crap all day, couldn't think, couldn't focus or didn't feel good. Basically drove my wife around all day asking where she wanted to go because I couldn't even think or feel were ild like to go or what ild like to do or what I wanted to buy (like I always have normal)
Come home told my wife I can't take feelin like this no more it's hurting me and destroying my life I'm a non functioning shell of my former self that's feels like in being tortchured and my life taken and I can't take more!! I cried out if frustration,
20 mins later I climes out the bath feeling "normal"
My body was calm and relaxed no sensations or pain, my head was light and clear, I could think perfect, I could concentrate and felt intelligent!!
What's That all about?? I could remember the whole day clearly I could remember facial features of people I had seen in different shops, I could remember everything about the day even step by step what we done where we went and what we spoke about!!!
15 minutes before I could hardly spell to type my previous post!!
Decided to crack open beer first in months why I felt good and play games with my little girl why I could think normal & function - I even asked the mrs why we didn't do the lottery, I ain't even thought of the word for the last 6 month like it didn't even exist because my brains not working propers!!
Can anyone help me, I'm starting to wake up with fear in my stomach every morning now with the fear of living another day like I am,
Why can't it go away and stay away so I can think, feel and enjoy life like I use to.
I don't like coming in here if I wasn't like this ild never even bother but I don't know what to do no more.
Thanks
Sorry you're still struggling Ollie.
So your mum and sis have bipolar/GAD ? So you were always probably genetically predisposed to develop anxiety and the stressful events you went through back then just triggered it. But it's still just anxiety. You can manage it.
Try not to get yourself so worked up about it all. I know it's hard at the moment but it doesn't help to add to it by focusing on things you perceive you've lost etc.
I'd keep reporting back to your doctor. Tell him if that medication doesn't work.
I think you need to be looking for some medication to relieve these symptoms you're feeling so you are in a better place to use things like the mindfulness PanchoGoz described in her post.
You had a breakdown or something back then. All that stress triggered something. Don't flap that it's going to be forever, it's not. It's just gonna take time for your mind to heal.
I think a medication that helps and giving yourself some peace with things like mindfulness will help that healng process.
The more time you can spend mentally out of that chatter and worry the more of a break your mind gets to heal and reach a better place.
Put music on that makes you feel good. Look for things that make you laugh and change your state. You've got to try and find a way to step outside that stressful state. When you're in it it feels like you'll never get out of it but you will.
You're already getting glimpses of feeling different/better. That's what you want. Then spend more time there until the anxious episodes become the rare events.
If that medications not relieving the symptoms go back to your doctor Ollie.
Hi mate,
Yer still struggling, still in pain.
I'm trying my best to keep away from it but it all depends if my body will let me, sounds strange but some days u can feel ok in terms of thinking outwards and happy then the next I can hardly think at all,
For example Thursday & Friday I was in work Thursday was hard but I had to pretend I was ok infront of everyone, I keep having moments of pure fear that take over me completely like my body is telling me to run away and just hide away it's so intense I have to stop and remind myself of where I am and what I'm doing it's scary (I just had it then too)
The pain of trying to open up outwards focus outwards try to be normal is bad, all be it I got through Thursday made it home & was in a mess, fear of battling this for ever as I just about could think to do normal things like make a cup
Of tea for 4 people and try to remember the order! I struggled!
Friday was a little better but not perfect, again I had to try to stay out my own head and be like I always have been. I returned home Friday in a better mood but still struggling to think, I sat down and just relaxed
Saturday I woke up and could hardly do anything. I found like most of the time I was just staring and walking around pointless, I had to keep asking my mrs to give me things to do so I was doing something otherwise I freak out and feel lost in time. It's hell.
I could hardly function mate Saturday all day, even didn't bother to think to go watch the mighty everton like It just didn't come to me. I had get the wife to tell we're to go next as I was driving. (Try to keep my brain ticking over) it was a crap day. Saturday evening mate as always I had a bath & a shave ECT got out but when i walked in to the bedroom I was fine - no pain or head aches, no tenseness, no confusion, and I said to the wife I feel great - I could easily like i always had remember & be aware of what ild done that day who I had seen what they looked like ECT without pulling my hair out and trying my hardest to even think.
The Sunday & Monday I was like that too - yesterday I was like a non functional waste of a life. Couldn't think straight, was in pain, was struggling to remember or be aware if things I needed to do just no way near myself.
Today I woke as normal 8am got straight out of bed run a bath got clothes ready and make breakfast as hard as it was and always is I try to just get on with it like I usualy would..11am I walked over to my dr for bloods - it's a 2 min walk I got there sat in the seat and the woman asked if I was ok because the swet was dripping off me mate, she said to me I can feel the heat off you your all clammy, embarrassed I just said I don't like needles lol, lying of course the truth is I don't feel my own body and found latkey I'm swetting everything I do, because I don't feel aware of my body or surrounding,
Today again I've struggled - went to my wife's Gdads her idea I just tag along because I feel like I can no longer make proper outwards ideas so if she says we're going here I just say like Eddie Murphy "OK" - anyway we got there I just couldn't be botherd to talk I actually tried to talk but it felt like I was slurring my words. It must of been obvious because my mrs Gdad asked what's up and I just told him I'm fed up of being like I am. I want to feel like I use to, think like I use to, enjoy life like I use to and I said I feel disabled and stupid some days vunrable. My 2 year old could lead me because I'm that not with it.
I find I'm going through an emotional rollercoaster mate too, like I'm being dragged everywhere. We left there I couldn't even think for myself the kids said take them the park so I just did I was walking around the park in my own world like a zombie - I started to feel annoyed at my wife because this is all kind of her doing which then started me going down the path of fack it I'm better off on my own it's all her fault n the idiot she was messin with, anger creeps in (I'm still feeling like I do disconnected, unable to focus) but a million things goin on in my head. One of my mates I havnt seen for a while come along with his kids so I stopped to talk to him for a good 45 mins - asked how I was as all my friends, and family now know I'm going through some messed up crap - everyone use to look up to me and my wife as a perfect couple as we had been together since school and had everything anyone could ask for in terms of 2 kids one of each, Good jobs, nice house and car so everyone seen us as a perfect happy couple.....
Any how's he mentiond how u was going gray! Haha, I said I know I've noticed! Because it feels like I'm not with "it" or part of it it's like my body is aging without me being able to doin anything about it, getting loads of grey hairs!
From that conversation I went from angry to sad, I seen him with his kids I wanted my life back too! So I started to get upset, then minutes later I was happyish,
We went home then again I couldn't care just sat down didn't want to move sat in my phone googling symtoms of OCD, DP, emotional breakdown
Out of nowhere I was off again - crying infront of my kids I grabbed the car keys and left, not feeling and attachment to anyone or thing I just drove to a local quiet spot were I use to take my little girl astronomy and bike riding and sat and cried my eyes out! 8-(
I want my life back! I want to feel normal! I want to be able to think and feel clear and normal! I want to feel attached to my kids again! I want to be able to think what to do where to go how to do things normal like I use to, all that crap going on up there. I had a good cry then next minute I felt ok better clearer so I drove off went home went the asda with my music on in the car got what I needed had a cheeky smile at some girl who was staring at me then drove back, walked in had my tea had a laugh with the kids then can't think straight again! Got that fear feeling wanted to dive in bed and hide from the world had to remind myself I'm in work again tomorrow because I don't feel it,
I'm everywhere mate, other then that thing when I click out of everything like I've come out of a coma for 10 - 15 minutes I struggle if even think clearly 6 months 24/7! Some days I can just about cope others I can just think I've had enough.
Mindfullness is something I'm trying to do, been using a cd the dr have to me and Im trying to practice to control the inner thinking but some days if I don't use that part of my head I won't be here at all in left that bad.
Depression I don't know. Possibly could explain the ups and down so sudden?
I think I've either been like this my whole life but not as bad as I have always been one to inwards think a bit, I went through all that stress come out on a high then crashed back down in to it hard now I'm aware of it and stuck like this because I feel if I don't use that part of my head the front part then I ain't here, if something takes my attention for 10 seconds or so I'm lost then snap I'm back on me in there ready to go again!
Why that happens them 10 seconds didn't happen. Or so it feels.
Or I have some sort of OCD that has sent me inwards on myself,
All I know is mate it's hell. I just wish that clicking out of it all would happen and stay like that. Although I find when it happens it feels like when I was on that high I was on I talked about - strange!!
Thanks mate cheers everyone - some help or tips on Mindfullness would be great I'm so wrapped up I don't know where or how to start I get lost
---------- Post added at 19:35 ---------- Previous post was at 19:26 ----------
Hi mate,
Yer still struggling, still in pain.
I'm trying my best to keep away from it but it all depends if my body will let me, sounds strange but some days u can feel ok in terms of thinking outwards and happy then the next I can hardly think at all,
For example Thursday & Friday I was in work Thursday was hard but I had to pretend I was ok infront of everyone, I keep having moments of pure fear that take over me completely like my body is telling me to run away and just hide away it's so intense I have to stop and remind myself of where I am and what I'm doing it's scary (I just had it then too)
The pain of trying to open up outwards focus outwards try to be normal is bad, all be it I got through Thursday made it home & was in a mess, fear of battling this for ever as I just about could think to do normal things like make a cup
Of tea for 4 people and try to remember the order! I struggled!
Friday was a little better but not perfect, again I had to try to stay out my own head and be like I always have been. I returned home Friday in a better mood but still struggling to think, I sat down and just relaxed
Saturday I woke up and could hardly do anything. I found like most of the time I was just staring and walking around pointless, I had to keep asking my mrs to give me things to do so I was doing something otherwise I freak out and feel lost in time. It's hell.
I could hardly function mate Saturday all day, even didn't bother to think to go watch the mighty everton like It just didn't come to me. I had get the wife to tell we're to go next as I was driving. (Try to keep my brain ticking over) it was a crap day. Saturday evening mate as always I had a bath & a shave ECT got out but when i walked in to the bedroom I was fine - no pain or head aches, no tenseness, no confusion, and I said to the wife I feel great - I could easily like i always had remember & be aware of what ild done that day who I had seen what they looked like ECT without pulling my hair out and trying my hardest to even think.
The Sunday & Monday I was like that too - yesterday I was like a non functional waste of a life. Couldn't think straight, was in pain, was struggling to remember or be aware if things I needed to do just no way near myself.
Today I woke as normal 8am got straight out of bed run a bath got clothes ready and make breakfast as hard as it was and always is I try to just get on with it like I usualy would..11am I walked over to my dr for bloods - it's a 2 min walk I got there sat in the seat and the woman asked if I was ok because the swet was dripping off me mate, she said to me I can feel the heat off you your all clammy, embarrassed I just said I don't like needles lol, lying of course the truth is I don't feel my own body and found latkey I'm swetting everything I do, because I don't feel aware of my body or surrounding,
Today again I've struggled - went to my wife's Gdads her idea I just tag along because I feel like I can no longer make proper outwards ideas so if she says we're going here I just say like Eddie Murphy "OK" - anyway we got there I just couldn't be botherd to talk I actually tried to talk but it felt like I was slurring my words. It must of been obvious because my mrs Gdad asked what's up and I just told him I'm fed up of being like I am. I want to feel like I use to, think like I use to, enjoy life like I use to and I said I feel disabled and stupid some days vunrable. My 2 year old could lead me because I'm that not with it.
I find I'm going through an emotional rollercoaster mate too, like I'm being dragged everywhere. We left there I couldn't even think for myself the kids said take them the park so I just did I was walking around the park in my own world like a zombie - I started to feel annoyed at my wife because this is all kind of her doing which then started me going down the path of fack it I'm better off on my own it's all her fault n the idiot she was messin with, anger creeps in (I'm still feeling like I do disconnected, unable to focus) but a million things goin on in my head. One of my mates I havnt seen for a while come along with his kids so I stopped to talk to him for a good 45 mins - asked how I was as all my friends, and family now know I'm going through some messed up crap - everyone use to look up to me and my wife as a perfect couple as we had been together since school and had everything anyone could ask for in terms of 2 kids one of each, Good jobs, nice house and car so everyone seen us as a perfect happy couple.....
Any how's he mentiond how u was going gray! Haha, I said I know I've noticed! Because it feels like I'm not with "it" or part of it it's like my body is aging without me being able to doin anything about it, getting loads of grey hairs!
From that conversation I went from angry to sad, I seen him with his kids I wanted my life back too! So I started to get upset, then minutes later I was happyish,
We went home then again I couldn't care just sat down didn't want to move sat in my phone googling symtoms of OCD, DP, emotional breakdown
Out of nowhere I was off again - crying infront of my kids I grabbed the car keys and left, not feeling and attachment to anyone or thing I just drove to a local quiet spot were I use to take my little girl astronomy and bike riding and sat and cried my eyes out! 8-(
I want my life back! I want to feel normal! I want to be able to think and feel clear and normal! I want to feel attached to my kids again! I want to be able to think what to do where to go how to do things normal like I use to, all that crap going on up there. I had a good cry then next minute I felt ok better clearer so I drove off went home went the asda with my music on in the car got what I needed had a cheeky smile at some girl who was staring at me then drove back, walked in had my tea had a laugh with the kids then can't think straight again! Got that fear feeling wanted to dive in bed and hide from the world had to remind myself I'm in work again tomorrow because I don't feel it,
I'm everywhere mate, other then that thing when I click out of everything like I've come out of a coma for 10 - 15 minutes I struggle if even think clearly 6 months 24/7! Some days I can just about cope others I can just think I've had enough.
Mindfullness is something I'm trying to do, been using a cd the dr have to me and Im trying to practice to control the inner thinking but some days if I don't use that part of my head I won't be here at all in left that bad.
Depression I don't know. Possibly could explain the ups and down so sudden?
I think I've either been like this my whole life but not as bad as I have always been one to inwards think a bit, I went through all that stress come out on a high then crashed back down in to it hard now I'm aware of it and stuck like this because I feel if I don't use that part of my head the front part then I ain't here, if something takes my attention for 10 seconds or so I'm lost then snap I'm back on me in there ready to go again!
Why that happens them 10 seconds didn't happen. Or so it feels.
Or I have some sort of OCD that has sent me inwards on myself,
All I know is mate it's hell. I just wish that clicking out of it all would happen and stay like that. Although I find when it happens it feels like when I was on that high I was on I talked about - strange!!
Thanks mate cheers everyone - some help or tips on Mindfullness would be great I'm so wrapped up I don't know where or how to start I get lost
So you said at the start there that you had three good days on the trot. Well that's something. Something's going right, a bit, somewhere. You'll get to the other side of it mate. It's not forever.
Lots of good people on here who can give you info on mindfulness. I've never done mindfulness so not the best person to advise.
Hello again...I've tried to read through as much as I can!
You are doing a lot of explaining here and I hope it's made you feel a little better, even if it's just in an exhausted way.
I think you really can't cope with mind bending tasks right now and need simple light things to do.
For now, just do stuff - which you are managing to do admirably well I must say. It feels bad I know, but keep as you are, doing things you would normally do, wondering to the shops, making food, eating etc.
Some advice from Claire Weekes is just to "float" through it. You'll be tempted to overthink that and wonder how to do it, but try not to. Literally just say in your head that you are "floating" through a task, or floating to a place and importantly letting your thoughts float away.
As you are so agitated, it would help just to get your adrenaline down with some relaxation exercises. Plenty described online.
Might help to try some imediate alternative relief - inositol. Side effect free if you used sensibly and might just help you ot the worst. Consult "inositol research initiative" thread by PsychoPoet.
As for your other problems, work etc, well just put them aside til you can think a little straighter. Talk to people about this and let them help you.
Above all - you are normal, an individual like the rest of us. Nothing you have written rings any bells - it's just the effects of anxiety that you have been thinking over and over. You've nothing to fear, inside there is a part ofy ou totally unaffected by anxiety and you will always recover naturally, because that's how these things go. In cycles. You're ok, you're protected. It is so easy but so hard just to switch off from thinking about anxiety. Helps just to say STOP when these useless endless anxiety thoughts go round. There's nothing to solve, the solution is just to forget in time. Nothing to unravel, just let it go, drop it all. You will be fine.
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