View Full Version : I am having a really hard time lately.
My health anxiety is really bad right now. I'm really struggling. Just had another crying spell and heart to heart with my husband about it.
I've been having sinusitis problems for almost 2 months now. I am so fed up and I have convinced myself that I have some kind of autoimmune illness or cancer or who the hell knows what, but that it can't just be sinusitis and allergies. I have been to the doctor twice. Each time she says it's sinusitis. I have an ENT appointment in 3 weeks, as that was her last suggestion if the prednisone she gave me last week didn't work.
Yesterday I developed a low grade fever again and felt really weak. Today my nose/sinuses actually felt better (win!) but after I went to the gym, I got a fever again and am shaky and weak. I'm terrified that I will get really sick because prednisone weakens immune system, as does Nasacort which I am also taking (but the only thing that has helped clear my sinuses).
If I didn't have these fever coming back over and over, I wouldn't be as afraid. But the fact that it came back yesterday and today threw me over the edge again.
But I know the health symptoms aren't my issue. My anxiety is my issue. I am trying really hard to use CBT4Panic and work through it, but I know it is not an immediate help. I just am so fed up and embarrassed. I let myself down and I feel like I let my husband down. I don't really know what to do anymore. Maybe I should go back on lexapro, but I'm not depressed. I went on it for depression and the fact that it helped my anxiety was just a nice bonus.
I should find a therapist. My therapist that I went to for years is over an hour drive away so it is really hard to see her. I found another therapist earlier this summer, but I had a bad experience with her and she was really unprofessional.
My health insurance has a high deductible ($3000) so basically I am paying out of pocket for any medical care I receive that is not a preventive service, like an annual physical or gyno exam. So going to the ENT is going to be really expensive because it is a specialist. And if he sends me for any kind of diagnostic treatment (xray, ct scan) that will be hundreds of dollars.
My husband said that money doesn't matter for health problems, but it does. We just sat down and discussed how we can cut costs all around because of our student loan debt, which is high. So I have that in the back of my mind too.
I'm just so fed up. I want to feel better physically and mentally. I'm exercising 4-5x per week, eating normal/basically healthy. I don't really know. Any advice?
SWGRL09, good for you for getting all of your feelings out on the page. And for having a heart to heart talk with your husband. He sounds very supportive, which is so important.
Don't let all of this get you down. Try not to be so disappointed in yourself. If you had a physical illness, such as cancer, I doubt you would be so hard on yourself. Keep exercising and eating right. It will eventually help. The CBT was a godsend for me as long as I practiced it daily. It takes awhile. You need for it to become second nature. For me, I would take one idea or exercise from CBT, and practice it for weeks. Then I would move on to the next section. It helped me to really put the ideas into practice.
This can all get better. I know because I've been where you are. I'm having a slight blip at the moment but I know it will get better. Keep going girl.
---------- Post added at 22:01 ---------- Previous post was at 22:01 ----------
SWGRL09, good for you for getting all of your feelings out on the page. And for having a heart to heart talk with your husband. He sounds very supportive, which is so important.
Don't let all of this get you down. Try not to be so disappointed in yourself. If you had a physical illness, such as cancer, I doubt you would be so hard on yourself. Keep exercising and eating right. It will eventually help. The CBT was a godsend for me as long as I practiced it daily. It takes awhile. You need for it to become second nature. For me, I would take one idea or exercise from CBT, and practice it for weeks. Then I would move on to the next section. It helped me to really put the ideas into practice.
This can all get better. I know because I've been where you are. I'm having a slight blip at the moment but I know it will get better. Keep going girl.
Thanks so much for your response. It helps to hear you say that you had to practice for a while and it did help eventually.
I think I will try what you suggest, which is to take one exercise and practice it. It's hard to try to learn the whole thing at once. I will try to break it down. Maybe I will just do one of the worksheets for a while over and over.
Thanks again, I really needed to hear from somebody optimistic. I hope you are hanging in there as well. :hugs::hugs:
Tanner is spot on Sgirl. She's one who took the Dragon by the horns and spat fire right back at it!
I don't suffer from anxiety per se'. I have some GAD due to my physical illness but nothing compared to what I read here. I also have dealt with some depression as well. I can tell you that the CBT course offered here for FREE (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=131665) is really good. It's one of those things that gives you an "a ha" moment as you read it. Not all of it applied to me but I used it for some depression and I still practice some of the exercises (did a lot last week before my appointment as my "scanxiety" kicks in before my "scope, poke and prod"). It works but you have to work at it.
I believe that you can heal from anxiety/HA as a mental illness much the same as one heals from a serious physical illness. It's not like a cold or a sore throat you take meds for and you're cured. It's something that a change in lifestyle and habits must take place in order to heal. If you slack off, it can come creeping back in.
Look... I have heart disease and have had cancer. Would I smoke or eat fried foods every day? NO! The same goes for anxiety and HA. You have to treat it, learn ways to cope and practice them religiously in order for them to work. Just like a diet takes time and adherence to show the differences, the same applies to anxiety/HA. It takes work, dedication and a real inner strength and desire to get better.
Do nothing and remain the same and/or get worse. Do something and at least take a step in the right direction. My health plan is the same as yours. $3K deductible. I spend that just to do follow-ups with my team of medical professionals. IMO, you don't need to spend that to get the same answer over and over. Good going on speaking openly with your husband. Rather than spend the $$$ on medical professionals, "invest" the $$$ in mental health professionals and start on the road to healing. Download the CBT course and do some reading. I assure you it will open you eyes.
Positive thoughts
Fishmanpa, thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. You are exactly right, it takes time and practice, like anything.
I have downloaded the free CBT course here. I've read through it, and it was really enlightening. I am struggling though with where I need to start/focus because there is so much there. I think I was trying to learn it all at once and be perfect at it. That's not gonna help. I am going to try to break it down, maybe stick with one exercise at a time until I get it down like Tanner suggested.
I think I will maybe focus on obsessive thoughts worksheets this week and maybe try some mindfulness as well.
I contacted a couple therapists in the area tonight. Hopefully I hear back soon. I can't do nothing anymore. I put a lot of work into it for a year or so, but then I felt better and stopped. This year I went downhill, especially with a stressful summer, and I need to get motivated again.
Fishmanpa, thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. You are exactly right, it takes time and practice, like anything.
I have downloaded the free CBT course here. I've read through it, and it was really enlightening. I am struggling though with where I need to start/focus because there is so much there. I think I was trying to learn it all at once and be perfect at it. That's not gonna help. I am going to try to break it down, maybe stick with one exercise at a time until I get it down like Tanner suggested.
I think I will maybe focus on obsessive thoughts worksheets this week and maybe try some mindfulness as well.
I contacted a couple therapists in the area tonight. Hopefully I hear back soon. I can't do nothing anymore. I put a lot of work into it for a year or so, but then I felt better and stopped. This year I went downhill, especially with a stressful summer, and I need to get motivated again.
You've basically, in so many words, reiterated what Tanner and I have said. Good :) One step at a time. I teach guitar. Many of my students want to play like their idols (Check out one of mine...Tommy Emmanuel...Worth checking out if you've never heard of him). I tell them this. "Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice. and when you think you've practiced enough? Practice some more. You need to "own" it!". When you "own" it, it will always work and you won't even have to think about it. It will just happen.
Positive thoughts
Hi eveyone,
Just wanted to wade in and say what a helpful thread this is - some of you may have noticed how bad my HA has been this last few week and I, like SWGRL9 have been tearful, stuck and at my wits end with it - last night I realised that while i was waiting for some test results I stopped practicing my CBT and it all went down hill.
So, I'd agree - practicing everyday does make life a whole lot easier and also, I think the lessons learned would benefit me even if I did get really sick as I could cope with it better.
Keep going SWGRL - you can do it :)
xxx
Sgirl, you've got it. Take one section and break it down for weeks if that's what it takes. Practice it, like Fishmanpa said, until second nature. Then it will start to work. The rational thoughts and behaviors will be what comes to your mind first, instead of the irrational ones.
Thank you everybody so much. The support here is so great. I practiced the mindfulness stuff last night and it actually helped me get to sleep. I'm going to try that every night and tonight after work I will dedicate at least a half hour to the worksheets, if not more. I also heard back from a therapist who I will hopefully start with soon.
Enough is enough this time. I hated how my mom's HA affected me as a kid. I'm going to tackle this before I have kids myself.
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Fj, we're all in this together. We're with you through it!
Hurray, let's try to keep posting to spur each other on. I think there are several of us who are at similar stages in this. It would be lovely to encourage and support each other.
I agree, hearing from everybody last night and today has really helped motivate me to do the work I know I have to do. I think that's the best part of this forum. Not the reassurance because we all know we are never reassured lol but the support and motivation to better ourselves.
Dolphin8808
21-08-14, 13:54
Thinking of you! So much great advise on here and its all so true.
FYI anti-depressants help for panic.anxiety, health anxiety and OCD. OCD and Health Anxiety are very closely related so Zoloft has worked great for me as it targets obsessive thoughts that the chemicals in the brain can contribute to. Lexapro is much the same, so even though it maybe classified as an anti-depressant, it may have many uses. I am NOT a meds pusher, but if it helps, there is NO shame.
PS my mother went through troubles with her sinuses for years and years, its why she ended up deciding to get the surgery, to help! Its NOT uncommon to have constant sinus issues that never truly go away.
You are fine!!! Keep doing your body good by working out and eating well. That is one of the BEST things you can do for yourself!
Definitely up for spurring each other :)!
It would be great to share tips and really get through this together!!
I had an alright day today. I had my regular shift 6:45 AM - 3:15 PM at the hospital. I could feel the sinus pressure coming in and feel myself getting nervous, but just tried to let it go while I was working. Then I had a 2 hour class after work. So needless to say by the time I got home, I was pretty tired.
I really didn't want to do the CBT stuff tonight but I did it and I am glad I did. I have to hold myself accountable. I was having a lot of catastrohpizing thoughts in the car driving home about my sinuses and scaring myself. So I printed off the Obsessional Thoughts Diary (made 20 copies!) and started filling it in for my thoughts. Honestly at first it didn't really help but I filled it out, then sat and did some more work from that chapter, and I do feel a bit better.
I am also trying to shift to "observer mode" when I am having these thoughts instead of letting them scare me. I like the metaphor the chapter uses, saying that having thoughts like this (Mine is - I have cancer, I have a disease, I am going to die) is like having a song stuck in your head except the lyrics bother you. I have to start thinking of these thoughts as a song stuck in my head, and not what I truly believe (because I know deep down I don't believe it, but a little part of me always wonders what if?)
The therapist I called might be able to see me 9/2, as she is on vacation next week. My husband has gone away for a work trip until Sunday. He is gone most weekends for work until winter, and I find when he is gone and I am alone my mind really wanders and I get caught up in the anxiety.
I am doing ok overall today. I am still kind of believing my thoughts, and that is ok. It doesn't change overnight.
Had a rough night last night. I have had a tough time sleeping all week, but earlier this week thought it was due to my medications. I'm not taking prednisone or sudafed anymore because of that, but for some reason could not sleep last night at all. I finally got to sleep at 4 AM. Then didn't sleep well because the cat was meowing outside the door.
I am so frustrated with myself. I hate insomnia. I have had this on and off for many years, but the past year I thought I had gotten it under control. I guess it's just a blip, related to my anxiety and husband being away makes it harder to sleep too. I'm just really frustrated this week.
Yes it's just a blip. Anxiety interferes with your sleep. But even when you are lying there your body is still resting. The best thing is not to try to force sleep. Try to let yourself fo limp, but if you still can't sleep try not to stress over it, that will make things worse. Eventually your body will take sleep.
Thanks, I tried progressive muscle relaxation and just paying attention to my breath.. for a while I was too worked up for it to be effective. Eventually I think it worked, or my body just took over.
with the PMR, I think it helps if you don't get too hung up on whether it's working or not. It's one of those things that is very subtle, and you need to keep doing it every day over a long period, until it becomes second nature.
I try to do relaxation every day, and also to let my body go limp periodically during the day. When I remember to do this day after day, I find my anxiety decreases, as my body stops being on high alert all the time. Just have to remember to practise what I preach.
Thats great advice, thank you Primula :) Hope you are doing well.
Slept ok last night ... was able to fall asleep by like 11:30ish, woke up at 3:30 and took about a half hour to get back to sleep. As soon as I woke up I was having anxiety about not being able to fall back to sleep. I tried to focus on my breathing and did muscle relaxation, which seemed to help.
Fell back to sleep, but was woken up at 6 AM by the hospital calling to ask if I wanted to work today! If I had already been awake, I might have gone in, but when I'm half asleep I have no control over what I say and told them no.
So then the cat heard me and started meowing and scratching at the door for breakfast, had to get up and take care of them, did a couple things, went back to sleep.
Woke up again a little anxious this morning. I keep having thoughts about the ENT, nasal tumors, costs of these things, and then started thinking if I am on nasacort, which is a steroid, I might get really sick from the flu shot. Well that started a snowball of racing thoughts.
I am trying to use mindfulness, see these thoughts from an observer's perspective, and also do the worksheets. It's only 11 AM and I have done some CBT already. I guess this is the work that has to get done.
Good news - got confirmation that the therapist will start meeting with me September 2nd. Her prices aren't too unreasonable. So I am hopeful.
Actually had a pretty good day yesterday. My allergies held off a bit, sinuses felt better until night time and even then weren't as bad as they have been (knock on wood). I even went on a hike with my husband up a mountain. It was beautiful and you could see for miles at the top.
Today I don't have to work and am working Saturday instead. I took the day off to go to my husband's work picnic. That's this evening at an amusement park. I hate roller coasters and he loves them, ugh hope I don't have to go on but I probably will just once because I'll feel badly. I just hate the dropping feeling.
I have noticed, and it's probably a "duh" moment, that when I am alone and not doing anything every symptom seems worse but yesterday when I was busy hiking, I hardly even noticed my sinuses. I need to try to keep myself busy and make plans with friends when my husband is away. It will help.
Today I go to a new therapist to tackle this really bad HA resurgence I have been having. I have been doing ok, some days better than others, some days worse. My sinuses are still driving me up a wall and this hot weather is not helping one bit. My ENT is Monday. I hope a week from now I have some answers and some specific steps to take from the therapist towards getting better. It's just exhausting.
Fingers crossed, Swgrl09! Let us know how things went with therapist, and also after ENT ... :flowers:
Marie
It went well, she was very nice! Thanks for asking :) I go again in 2 weeks. She gave me a lot of hope, which was needed after the bad experience with the last therapist I saw this summer. I had a bit of trouble paying attention and focusing bc this heat is killing my sinuses and I have my period so had a headache from that too. I am positive and optimistic though!
Glad to know your session went well, and that you are feeling optimistic. Off to see my therapist this afternoon, and boy do I need her at the moment,
I hope your session goes well, I have personally missed having a good therapist for support. Thanks for checking in :) You are doing a great job yourself working on this.
Haven't been on in a little, it's been a busy few days. I had my 26 birthday Thursday, but birthdays really feel different since my mom died. I think she was just as important on my birthday as me, if not more, because I wouldn't be here. She always made a big deal about it too, calling me all day to tell me where she was minute by minute the day I was born. Every year since we lost her, I kind of dread my birthday. Part of it is missing her and thinking about her, and part is that it's another year of my life she hasn't been a part of. So I've just been kind of down the last few days.
I went through the motions, worked, and my husband made a nice dinner and cake for me.
Death is a Huge part of my anxiety. I sometimes see my birthday as another year closer to the end since she died. I try to rationalize it, but some days it is harder than others. This is one of those days.
I'll be seeing my dad and sister today, as well as my little nephew. He is almost two and always cheers me up.
Anyway, just wanted to vent a little.
:Hi sgirl sorry to hear ur mother is not with u and ur missing her lot.
Anyway happy birthday to u from me and west wishes for next life.:hugs:
Thanks, Paul, I really appreciate it. Hope you are doing well :)
Today is the big ENT appointment I've been waiting for ... I'm nervous, but also just feel like crop. I slept funny on my neck and have a pounding headache ... I hate having a bad neck, the littlest things set it off. Here we go...
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Well, just got back. The doctor was very nice, very fast but seemed really to know his stuff. I guess he is a specialist in head/neck cancer and sinus issues at Yale New Haven Hospital, which is big here.
He said he is sure it is allergy-related, but wants me to get a CAT Scan - what's the difference between that and a CT scan? Is it the same thing? Anyway I was kind of expecting it.
He said I've been doing everything I can and suggested something called Balloon Sinuplasty where you go in and they insert a balloon to open up the sinus cavities to help them drain. It's outpatient so just go to the office, not the hospital. But we'll see after the scan.
Nervous because I have never had one of these scans before ...
Got my scan scheduled for Thursday morning, 7:30 AM. The woman gave me a heart attack because I asked how much it would cost (I have a high deductible, so pay out of pocket until I hit $3000 spent, then insurance kicks in)... she said "$3000" and I actually screamed "$3000!?!" on the phone ... but then she said, "Oh, woops, I mean $400." Geeze.
Now I am a bit frustrated because I am still shelling out money for the scan and appointments, but honestly the weather has been cooler and MUCH more comfortable this week and my sinuses have been worlds better than they were just over the weekend. So I am afraid that they will look fine on the CT scan because they aren't acting up at the moment. And if they actually are better, do I really want to pay for a procedure?
I guess that is all stuff to ask my doctor ... I really hate our health insurance, but it's better than not having any at all I guess.
Had the CT scan this morning ... it was really quick. They sent the results to the Dr and also gave me a cd with the images on it. I am trying so hard not to look at the images! I know I will freak out if I see anything and I am def not trained to read these things so I put it in another room and will just wait for the doctor to call me. Eeek.
---------- Post added at 13:49 ---------- Previous post was at 11:25 ----------
Dr called already!! He was really fast which made me nervous. He said nothing bad seen on the CT scan, just obvious that allergies have made my sinuses more swollen. Now it's up to me if I want to have the balloon procedure done or not. It's quick, outpatient, takes an hour, and you are awake. Or I can just live with it.
I don't know ... I don't want to pay for something really expensive. It won't cure my allergies so I still will have to take meds. It will just help the sinuses drain better. I have to think about it for a bit.
Yay though, so pleased nothing bad or menacing was seen. Now treat yourself with something nice xx
Thanks :) just had some ice cream lol
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