I cant do this anymore

[Shammy]

My depression is just getting worse.

I am obsessed with putting weight on and everytime I look in the mirror I see a skeleton staring back. I can no longer bear to touch any part of my body or let me partner because I feel so ashamed at my hip bones and collar bones showing.

The anxiety is causing me to lose my appetite and not want to eat which only fuels the depression of my weight loss

I cant beat to look myself in the mirror. I cant get showered or go outside I am so ashamed of my body.

It will be weeks before my therapist is free enough to see me. I just need something to stop all this in my head. I knew I would be happy and free if I put the two stone on and was healthy again.

Even typing makes me anxious because all I can see are my bony hands on the keyboard

[WillyB]

Hi Shammy, I'm sorry that you are feeling like this, it really does sound like you are very distressed at the moment. I'm wondering if you have felt any better since you posted? I can't fully relate, only I felt similar feelings about my body when I was depressed. I lost a huge amount of weight and was shocked to see how skinny I was when I looked in a mirror. It looks like a vicious cycle, you want to gain some weight, but you can't because the depression has taken your appetite.

I am not particularly wise, nor do I know if anything I suggest will make sense. But I am wondering what needs to be tackled first, the weight or the depression. Gaining weight will make you happy as you say, but the depression is getting in the way of that. It seems one needs to come before the other. I know for a fact (I actually do know this) that you will begin to get better and feel healthy again, and when that starts to happen, you will regain your appetite. Try to focus on the fact you will get happier, and that gaining weight will follow, rather than ruminating over your weight as it is now. I know that will be incredibly difficult, especially when this has become an obsession as you say, but you can do it.

Have you seen a doctor recently? If you haven't I think it would be a positive thing to do, they can be a great source of comfort and it may help you whilst you are waiting to see your therapist.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Something to consider is if you are undereating due to your anxiety. If you are, whilst that impacts your weight as you are saying, it will also cause depression because you won't be getting what your body needs to keep going.

I would suggest you look at ways to change your diet to match your anxiety (e.g. smaller meals more often) and to keep your blood sugar where it should be. It is also important to get the vitamins & minerals that you need so supplement if needed.

Try high strength cod liver oil as well. There have been studies of either EPA or DHA at over 1000mg a day that helped with depression. I have started supplementing about 6 weeks ago with a Tesco brand thhat gives about 700mg of each and I have seen a fair change in my mood.

I can understand how you view you body. I have put on a couple of stone and lost a load of muscle so I now feel pretty bad about this and to be honest, you won't ever see me take off a jacket in public until I'm in better shape. Sadly, it just drives the depression from there.

Do you get any exercise, especially outside? It can help. I know you said you don't want to go out, but it will help and lack of sunlight is likely to make you worse. Could you put on a coouple of layers to cover the areas you are concerned about so as a temporary measure to get you outside?

Try Mindfulness meditation too. It takes time to learn but it will help with acceptance.