spatial awareness
15-08-04, 23:47
I always find it amazing how up and down my life has been the last few years. My panics started about 5 years ago (I still dont know why), and since that time I have been up and down so often, its hard to think long term sometimes. I was at my most consistent during my years on paroxetine, but when I stopped, everything went into a bit of a spiral downwards.
My panics are based around a fear of being sick (well, thats how they started out life as). Its funny, cos since starting my panics, I have actually been sick once. I was sick in China after eating some dodgy jiao zi (delicious dumplings) and I was in a dodgy hotel. What was mad was that I started feeling sick and freaked out. I was panicking all night...
Then, suddenly, I was sick, once. It came up, and it was all over. It didnt taste as bad as I remembered, and it was all over soooo quickly. But cos I still felt ill, I was still panicking...
The next day, I felt a lot better, and got back to a nice town and a nice hotel. I thought, "thats it! I've done it now. Maybe thats closure!" But no. The fear was still there...immense fear.
My usual panic is based around a thought that I will be sick, and obviously I panic and feel more and more nauseaus. This will continue past the actual attack until I can fully take my mind off it, but I usually feel depressed for some time afterwards. I had one just before, even though I've had a great week with loads of improvements, and it feels like a setback.
I can always tell when I am doing well, because the thought just doesnt come into my head. A few weeks ago (before I had my huge breakdown) I was on the bus coming home from work and I was thinking "I just wish I could sit on this bus without reading or doing something to take my mind off it". (Recently, and when times are bad, I take a magazine or book everywhere, just in case I need something to take my mind off the panic). And, I sat on the bus and just thought about nothing in particular and I was sooo happy. Then, I got home and a couple hours later I started panicking so much that I was up half the night and that was the start of all the horrible week that I had...funny how these things turn out...
My panics are based around a fear of being sick (well, thats how they started out life as). Its funny, cos since starting my panics, I have actually been sick once. I was sick in China after eating some dodgy jiao zi (delicious dumplings) and I was in a dodgy hotel. What was mad was that I started feeling sick and freaked out. I was panicking all night...
Then, suddenly, I was sick, once. It came up, and it was all over. It didnt taste as bad as I remembered, and it was all over soooo quickly. But cos I still felt ill, I was still panicking...
The next day, I felt a lot better, and got back to a nice town and a nice hotel. I thought, "thats it! I've done it now. Maybe thats closure!" But no. The fear was still there...immense fear.
My usual panic is based around a thought that I will be sick, and obviously I panic and feel more and more nauseaus. This will continue past the actual attack until I can fully take my mind off it, but I usually feel depressed for some time afterwards. I had one just before, even though I've had a great week with loads of improvements, and it feels like a setback.
I can always tell when I am doing well, because the thought just doesnt come into my head. A few weeks ago (before I had my huge breakdown) I was on the bus coming home from work and I was thinking "I just wish I could sit on this bus without reading or doing something to take my mind off it". (Recently, and when times are bad, I take a magazine or book everywhere, just in case I need something to take my mind off the panic). And, I sat on the bus and just thought about nothing in particular and I was sooo happy. Then, I got home and a couple hours later I started panicking so much that I was up half the night and that was the start of all the horrible week that I had...funny how these things turn out...