another day of nothingness is the only way i can dicribe it

[trish1955]

Every day I wake up early hours about four five I feel the anxiety in the pit of my stomach then it spreads through me turning into fear I stay were I am and try to ride it out it subsides only to keep coming back nine clock I get up I don't want to get up as it just means along day of nothingness I have sufferd anxiety panic and agraphobia for over forty years but I had six kids and even though I had the probe I loved being a mum they were my life I am now 58 only got one son at home 23yr old he works a lot and very independent my husband as to
o stay home every day as I am afraid of being alone in my own home as for my home I use to love cooking cleaning washing ironing for my kids and even when they grew up I still had my home to look after but now I have no heart in anything I do I a have no hobbies if you asked me what would I like to o I say don't no can't think of anything at all my anxiety hangs around constantly through the day I feel so sad all the time but since starting sertaline I can'tcry and some times iI like a good cry I have always been scared to take medication but since becoming g so depressed I had to try any way that's the way my life feels right now any words of wisdom thanks guys xxx

[Carnation]

Hello Trish,
Your Post is so sad and I can relate to how you feel, but 40 years!!!!
Was there no break of the depression or Anxiety? There must have been some good moments, surely. Meeting your Husband, getting married, having your children.
What I am saying is maybe the times of depression and anxiety have taken over in high percentages from the good moments in your Life. But, there were good moments in your Life, there must have been. Why can't you still have good moments in your Life? It seems like you need a purpose in Life maybe? I know I have to keep busy ALL THE TIME to keep the Anxiety/Depression away. And, if you are a worrier, that makes it doubly worse. And, the waking up in the middle of the night is definitely something I have struggled with in the past. I now either go to bed very late or do something in the day to completely exhaust me in to collapsing in to bed. And, that works for me. I'd rather 5 hours solid sleep than 1 hour here, then 2 hours, then maybe half an hour and being awake in the middle of the night alone can be so debilitating.
Now, with the feeling of the depression. Just a suggestion. I find that helping other people takes my Mind off of my problems and I know you have given good advice on here. Is this something you could maybe expand on? You could even do this from Home. Do you write? Maybe you could compile a book on the subject? (it would help you get all the emotions out on paper anyway. What about painting, my Therapist highly recommends it. I don't know you well enough to know your personnel circumstances, but I do how the Mind can make you suffer and it is the Mind we have to somehow control. Sending you a hug to try and make you feel a little better. :hugs:

[trish1955]

Hiya thanks for your reply yes I do like to help other that are suffering even if I am rubbish at taking my own advice I must have read every recovery book there is to read on anxiety well I have been married three time first two times in 70s I had panic and anxiety then had my oldest daughters then and married my third husband in 1987 we had two sons and a daughter together I did love being a mum wen they depended on me so your right I do need a focus I did use to write a lot I rember in 1991 I had a very old type writer I had Given to me and I made a little booklet it was all about agraphobia panic it was all in rhyme I had hypnossis off a women that came to my home asked if she could lend t till my next apiontment money was tight and I could not ford to see her again so never got it back I just don't seem t have any idea what I would like to do depression is not somthing I have always suffered panic anxiety agoraphobia but depression been creeping in past couple years any way as I said thanks for your good reply don't seem to feel alone when you get a reply xx