View Full Version : Stupid risky behaviour
SelfLoathing
23-08-14, 19:58
I suffer with very bad health anxiety. I have a lot of self esteem issues too.
So, why do I do stupid things? I always mess up.
Yesterday, I had unprotected sex with someone (not a one night stand as such, just a friend and things got out of hand). He did not ejaculate inside me. But now I think I will have HIV from pre-cum, because I am a bad person and deserve it.
I am already planning my own death because I can't bring this shame to my children (I am not married, and neither is he, so it is not cheating).
This friend has told me he was promiscous in his youth (we are in our forties now). He was in the services and served abroad. I can't bring up the subject with him..
Oh, and it is not the first time I have taken such a risk, so I am d a REALLY bad and stupid person. Last year I was in a relationship, and had unprotected sex. It was not casual, we were together for a year, but then it was a long distance relationship, so we were only "together" a few times, and I don't know his past or if he was faithful ( he said he was, but people lie).
I had an HIV test two years ago, which was negative (As a result of being raped :-()
I feel dead already... I can't stop crying. I know I deserve all I get. I feel so alone, I can't talk to anyone. I can't eat or sleep either.
I know I will have to wait six weeks to get tested, but I am scared I will not make it, and will kill myself as my children deserve better...
Sorry everybody, I let you all down so badly :weep:
Sounds like you're having a really hard time right now. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, no one deserves to go through severe anxiety or to feel worthless.
People take risks and do impulsive things. That doesn't make them bad or stupid people. People also make mistakes. That doesn't make them bad or stupid either. You sound like you really care about your children and love them a lot - I don't think a bad person could love and care about their children as much as you do. Your children deserve to have you around, to have their mother around. Imagine the heartbreak and trauma your children would go through if you were to kill yourself. Your children need you here.
I know you can't get a HIV test for a few weeks, but it might be a good idea to visit your GP in the meantime and see if there's anything they can do to support you and help you feel better. You deserve to feel better.
SelfLoathing
24-08-14, 02:08
Hello anthrokid
Thank you so,so much for replying. It means a lot to me not to feel so totally alone, especially as I cannot sleep.
Yes, my kids are everything, they are the one good thing I have made in my life. I was in an abusive marriage for nearly 20 years, and I am the only stable parent they have. Their father contributes nothing financially or emotionally, so I feel so bad I have let them down.
They don't know about my relationship, as I did not want to bring a stranger into their lives.. and now I am so glad I didn't, because I think I was well and truly played. (I don't think this about my friend yesterday, I think it was just two people a bit lonely and lost -- he has PSTD).
I have texted most of my friends telling them they must not bother with me anymore as I am bad news and they should stay away from me for their own sakes. I can't really do that with my kids though can I?
I can't go to the GP as I am so ashamed.
Once again, thank you for taking the trouble to reply..
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Just remember that HIV is not a punishment. One of the CBT techniques is to ask yourself what you would say to a friend in a similar situation. Would you believe your friend was bad and deserve to get a disease? No of course he wouldn't. The chance of getting HIV from pre-ejaculation is extremely slim. You'll be okay just sounds like you've been through a lot. We're all here for you :hugs:
You're welcome. This is a safe place to come for support when you feel you have no one else to turn to. Many people on this forum feel like they cannot talk to family or friends about their problems, and many find comfort here knowing they they are not alone.
It sounds like your children are very, very lucky to have a mother who loves and cares for them so deeply. I'm sorry to hear that you've had to experience abuse and that your children have been neglected by their father. Neither you nor your children deserve that. However, you have stood by your children and loved them through everything - you have NOT let them down at all. You have loved them the way that a mother is supposed to, and they love you for that.
I don't think you are bad news at all, and I don't believe that your friends do either. I think you are a strong woman who has been dealt some rough times. Even the strongest foundations crack in a hurricane. But those foundations can always be repaired, and become stronger than they were before the storm.
I know it can be really difficult to talk to someone about these things, and sometimes it can feel shameful. But there is NO shame in asking for support and help in getting better. Anxiety and depression are like any other illness. They are real and they cause real pain and impact just as much on your life. You wouldn't be ashamed if you had the flu or a physical disease, and you shouldn't be ashamed for suffering from anxiety. If anything, your GP will be relieved that you are looking to get better and will do what they can to support you through that.
SelfLoathing
24-08-14, 14:01
:flowers: Thank you both so much,
Feeling a bit calmer today. I still can't eat anything, but I am not crying, so thats a step forward. Irrationally, I have been bleaching the whole house.
Great to hear that you're feeling a bit calmer :) If you're unable to eat, perhaps you could try having a cup of soup or some milk, just to give yourself a bit of energy. Anxiety can use quite a bit of your energy, so you may become pretty tired if you're not getting any food down.
SelfLoathing
25-08-14, 09:29
Hello A
Thanks for replying. My kids are back today so I will have to try to be somehow "normal" for them. I have not left the house, or got dressed in two days. I will take your advice and make a pot of soup. Have been existing on coffee, so no nutrients.
I had a lovely text from my best friend saying that he would always be in my corner. He wanted to visit, but I told him I just needed to be alone. If he knew what I had done, I wonder if he would still be in my corner? even so, I feel bad for pushing him away.
I'm gonna have to put on some sort of mask, as I go back to work tomorrow. I can probably manage it. I had a couselling session a few weeks back, and the therapist told me I was a good actress! "Fraud" would be a better word.
hi there - just want to reassure you of a few things. I know it is hard but it is helping me get through my HA in relation to HIV. Firstly, the chances of your friend having HIV is small. Male to female transfer is actually quite hard. The fact he did not cum inside you adds to the odds you probably didn't contract anything. Thirdly, the fact you are in contact with him and can message suggests he is not running away from anything. ALL of this is clearly not sufficient reassurance tho' and you should get a test at 28 days. If you really are concerned you should go to a local hospital and discuss taking PEP which is a drug which can sometimes negate HIV transfer at an early stage. HOWEVER, I am fairly sure they will likely say your risk is not sufficient to warrant taking the meds. Overall, try and re-read this post over and over. It will get you through the 28 days. And, if it is any consolation, I panic over getting HIV from scenarios where this is NO sex so if you think you are messed up you ain't seen anything yet! I am currently in a vortex of fear from getting HIV from a massage and the masseuse was fully clothed!!
hope this helps.
SelfLoathing
25-08-14, 23:14
Hi twtm2002
thanks for your reply. It did help, and I had an almost normal day today. And I am sorry that you have the same fears as me.
But now I am freaking out big time. As I said in my original post, it is not the only time I have takem a risk. I was in a year long relationship with someone who I trusted. Now I feel like the trust was misplaced, and he could have given me HIV. It was a long distance relationship and we only had sex about 8 times in total over that year.
The last time of full intercourse was last October, and the last time of intimacy was in January. I have not seen him since, as I started to feel like something was not right, as he kept me out of most of his life (I know he was not married, that was not it).
I now wonder if he had other women, and was a player. I feel so stupid.
I remember things that scare me... like one time, there was blood on the sheets, and he said he had a cut on his finger.
I want to go and get a test tomorrow, but so afraid they will say it is positive. I am trying to tell myself that the odds are still in my favour, but I am trembling so much right now.
Hopefully you've been able to spend some time with your kids :) Sounds like it's really good for you to spend some time with them and it helps you to get moving a bit. How did you go making up some soup?
Your best friend sounds like a very good friend to have. I don't think he would abandon you even if he did know what you had done. Sounds like he's there to support you no matter what, and he will be there to see you when you are ready for some company :)
Are you still seeing the therapist you saw a few weeks ago or was that a once off session?
Hope you're doing okay today :)
Hi - you should go and get a test to reassure you. I am sure it will be negative. I always take a view that IF he was HIV he would a)probably be on meds which would mean his viral load would be VERY low and make transmission hard b)he would be EXTREMELY irresponsible to have sex with you knowing he was HIV - in fact, it would likely be a criminal act. Do NOT worry about blood on the sheets - HIV is way too fragile to be transmitted like this and is dead within seconds. Also, how would the blood get into you? It would need a LOT.
Here is some context:
Today I went for a massage. The woman was dressed. She touched my bum and my inner thigh. She did not touch my penis but I was naked. I now irrationally think I have HIV. Am I crazy - YES! There is NO way I could get HIV but I think I did...
you are not alone!
x
Today I went for a massage. The woman was dressed. She touched my bum and my inner thigh. She did not touch my penis but I was naked. I now irrationally think I have HIV. Am I crazy - YES! There is NO way I could get HIV but I think I did...
you are not alone!
x
Just to comment on this, you're not crazy, you're overly anxious, you said it yourself, you didn't do anything risky.
For you SelfLoathing, and anyone else that's really upset and worried about this, here's some statistics on this page about the odds of contracting HIV from someone that's HIV positive through unprotected sex. They're lower than you probably think (but please anyone reading this, always remember in the future to take care of yourself and use protection to save yourself the worry).
http://www.thebodypro.com/content/68672/putting-a-number-on-it-the-risk-from-an-exposure-t.html
I hope that puts your mind a bit more at ease.
SelfLoathing
26-08-14, 18:17
Hello everyone
thank you so,so much for replying, I don't deserve such kindness..
Those statistics are very reassuring Mark, and I DID go and get a test done. It will be 10 days before I get the results, the lady at the clinic said there are no guarantees, but if she were a betting woman, she would lay money down that it will be negative. Of course, I will have to go back again in six weeks to be 100% sure
She also talked to me about not shutting myself off from everyone, and using this as a line in the sand. She said should continue my therapy. She seem to think I have a problem with being a sexual person, and risky behaviour aside, and punishing myself for having and giving in to desires, even though it is human to have them. But no, I won't torment myself like this again, if I get through it.
twtm -
I do understand. I have developed an OCD about it all. I bleached my house, terrified that I had contaminated it for my children, even though I know this is madness. Logic just flies out of the window when anxiety is so high. Try not to beat yourself up, as the relaxing effects of the massage will be negated.
A - yes, I did make the soup. I have a soup maker which is fab, you just chuck everything in, and twenty minutes later, you have enough soup for lunch Monday - Friday. Spinach, carrots, swede, onion, garlic and potato.
Work today was quite cathartic too -- I threw myself into some coding, which stopped my mind wandering.
x
Mark - excellent article. I tend to rely on aidsmeds and medhelp for my reassurance and they are very bullish on oral sex. What is of course UTTERLY BONKERS in my case is that I never have oral or vaginal or anal sex. I have a massage which sometimes gets vaguely erotic but nothing more....and there is no dispute over my risk - zero/zilch. Such is the power of the mind and the power of fear to overcome logic. I am reading about the limbic system as my therapist says this is where all my anxiety comes from.
Self-loathing - your clinician sounds wise. I suffer from a very low self esteem and belief I am not good enough. I somehow believe I will be punished for expressing my desires. It is very sad but we can both overcome it. I too have kids and hate having to live with this inner secret. Life is too short to let it overcome us.
Keep us posted and I find writing on this website is healing in itself - wish I had found it years ago.
Glad the article helped you both, and well done for going for your test SelfLoathing, you DO deserve such kindness, I was more than happy to send a little bit of my day doing that research to try and help :)
SelfLoathing
27-08-14, 17:00
:flowers: Thank you Mark, you have definitely made a difference to me, which is priceless.
twtm - so sorry to hear that you feel like that, I would not wish it on anyone. Like the lady at the clinic said "it is called a libido, and you are allowed to have one. The only thing you are not allowed is to force it onto others, or display it in public" (that last bit made me laugh).
When I am feeling strong, I think, "I can do anything, as long as I harm no-one" -- trouble is, I can't, and usually end up in a terrible mess. Then I feel stupid for having thought I could be like anyone else. I'm just going to keep my head down from now on. My Ex said I was useless, think he had a point!
BUT! I want to be the best parent I can be, so I will have to keep going, and try to learn something from all of this.
Haha, the lady at the clinic gave me a chuckle, and it sounds she knows what she's talking about :) She's probably encountered many people with the same worries as you. You're not alone at all in the way you are feeling. It is normal to have desires and to act on them. That's what makes us human. She suggested seeing your therapist again - would that be something you'd like to do?
Your ex said that you were useless, but he wasn't a very nice man, was he? Out of all of the people you've ever met in your life, how many have told you that you are useless? I willing to bet that it was not very many, or none at all aside from your ex. Remember, you are not useless! You are raising your children, you want to be the best parent you can be, and you love them so much. I can tell just from this thread that you are an amazing and loving mother. That means that you aren't useless at all!
I have no doubt that you are going to continue to be an amazing parent to your children.
What a lovely and sincere post anthrokid. The world needs more people like you
SelfLoathing
30-08-14, 15:11
Hi Anthrokid
Having a really bad day today, so not going to post, but wanted to say thank you so much for your generous, kind and warm-hearted words.
I am so humbled by them :flowers:
You're welcome :) I think too often people forget to remind us of the good things we do! I know you're having a bad day, but you are still here, you're still pushing through, you're still caring for your children and you are doing a good job. I hope you're feeling a little better soon.
SelfLoathing
05-09-14, 23:17
Hi
I just wanted to post an update to this.
I have had my HIV result, and it was negative. :) I know I will need to get tested agin in six weeks, but this has been a massive step forward for me.
For reasons I won't go into here, I think that there was something about the relationship I had last year that has bothered me greatly, and I think it has probably been a trigger for my HA.
That said, I know that I will never take any sort of risk again.
Thank you all so much for the wonderful support you have given me. I am going to try really hard to get through the next 6 weeks or so without panicking. I have an appointment with my counsellor booked too.
Thank you all again :bighug1:
Great news to hear :) Now at least you have some peace of mind to help you get through the next few weeks, and now you can focus on more positive things :) You've done such a great job to deal with everything so far.
I think it's great that you have booked another session with your counsellor. It's always nice to have some extra support and to be able to work through experiences and triggers to help overcome anxiety. It sounds like you really want to move past this and enjoy life with your children :) and you're taking the right actions for this to happen. It's good that you have identified a trigger for your HA, and this is definitely something you should try and discuss with your counsellor.
Thank you for the update and best wishes to you :)
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