frankiep5
24-08-14, 16:27
hey everyone, not sure if i'm posting this in the correct section of forums but I don't exactly know which one to choose. whatever is going on in my head is killing me. it's killing me inside. it's killing who i used to be an replacing it with some stranger.
i'm quite desperate for help at this point. I feel as though i'm on the verge of a huge panic attack. My mind feels -empty-. it's getting worse every single day. It feels like i've lost my mind and my heart.
two years ago i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was put on lithium, seroquil, and naltrexone for my self harm addiction when i was hospitalized for that and suicide attempts. I stopped self harming about a year ago and never really think of doing it anymore. My suicide idealization comes and goes, always feeling like a panic response when i get high stress over something or i start to feel very self conscious. it's always like "oh well, might as well just end my life." although i really believe i won't ever actually do it. I stopped taking all those medications about a year ago as well because i thought i didn't need them anymore. I was very happy at the time.
however now, i couldn't feel further from happy. i feel lost. lost in my mind, wandering around an empty room.
I feel like i can't think anymore. I can't look people in the eyes when i talk to them and all i can think about is what's wrong with me. my thoughts are extremely repetitive and when i try to think of something else my mind goes completely blank. it often feels like someone else is talking to me in my head, only telling me the things that are wrong with me. I can never complete a sentence or form opinions in my mind anymore, let alone do that verbally when talking to someone. Even writing this post is difficult for me. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I haven't really laughed at something for months. I'm so desperate to find out what happened to me because somewhere in the past 6-8 months i completely lost myself. I don't feel love for anything anymore. everything feels forced. my short term memory is horrible, as well as my long term. I can barely remember anything from my past. my whole brain feels like fog. my social anxiety is so bad that i don't have any friends anymore. i can barely talk to my boyfriend anymore, or my mom. I don't know how to explain this. I'm losing my mind and i really need help. I hope someone can relate to this:/ and I hope something can be done to get me back to normal. I used to be charismatic and outgoing and clever and flirty and just a pleasant person to be around. even when i thought i had problems in the past, they never felt like this. I used to have a lot of friends and thoughts and hobbies and i liked myself somewhat. now i feel completely detached, disconnected from everything. I should also add that my concentration is horrible. i can't even concentrate on a movie im watching or a small talk conversation im having. (if i have one) i lose my concentration even just thinking about how i need to concentrate. it's very debilitating. it makes people think im not listening or i don't care. when im actually just talking to myself in my head. everyday these thoughts (or lack thereof) feel endless. I compare myself to every person i see because i feel so disgusted by who i am. my mind is ruining my life. I can't tell if this is anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD or anything at all... maybe this is just who i am now and i will never go back to my old self and i have to accept it. I'm so desperate, someone please help.
i'm quite desperate for help at this point. I feel as though i'm on the verge of a huge panic attack. My mind feels -empty-. it's getting worse every single day. It feels like i've lost my mind and my heart.
two years ago i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was put on lithium, seroquil, and naltrexone for my self harm addiction when i was hospitalized for that and suicide attempts. I stopped self harming about a year ago and never really think of doing it anymore. My suicide idealization comes and goes, always feeling like a panic response when i get high stress over something or i start to feel very self conscious. it's always like "oh well, might as well just end my life." although i really believe i won't ever actually do it. I stopped taking all those medications about a year ago as well because i thought i didn't need them anymore. I was very happy at the time.
however now, i couldn't feel further from happy. i feel lost. lost in my mind, wandering around an empty room.
I feel like i can't think anymore. I can't look people in the eyes when i talk to them and all i can think about is what's wrong with me. my thoughts are extremely repetitive and when i try to think of something else my mind goes completely blank. it often feels like someone else is talking to me in my head, only telling me the things that are wrong with me. I can never complete a sentence or form opinions in my mind anymore, let alone do that verbally when talking to someone. Even writing this post is difficult for me. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I haven't really laughed at something for months. I'm so desperate to find out what happened to me because somewhere in the past 6-8 months i completely lost myself. I don't feel love for anything anymore. everything feels forced. my short term memory is horrible, as well as my long term. I can barely remember anything from my past. my whole brain feels like fog. my social anxiety is so bad that i don't have any friends anymore. i can barely talk to my boyfriend anymore, or my mom. I don't know how to explain this. I'm losing my mind and i really need help. I hope someone can relate to this:/ and I hope something can be done to get me back to normal. I used to be charismatic and outgoing and clever and flirty and just a pleasant person to be around. even when i thought i had problems in the past, they never felt like this. I used to have a lot of friends and thoughts and hobbies and i liked myself somewhat. now i feel completely detached, disconnected from everything. I should also add that my concentration is horrible. i can't even concentrate on a movie im watching or a small talk conversation im having. (if i have one) i lose my concentration even just thinking about how i need to concentrate. it's very debilitating. it makes people think im not listening or i don't care. when im actually just talking to myself in my head. everyday these thoughts (or lack thereof) feel endless. I compare myself to every person i see because i feel so disgusted by who i am. my mind is ruining my life. I can't tell if this is anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD or anything at all... maybe this is just who i am now and i will never go back to my old self and i have to accept it. I'm so desperate, someone please help.