scaredchris
25-08-14, 02:03
I'm a 22 year old guy. I'm just here looking for some reassurance and advice as I'm in a really bad place right now. Apologies if this is somewhat disjointed and long winded rambling but I feel I need to write it down.
For some context I should first mention that my life since 2011 has been somewhat empty, I'd finished a college course I had been doing with no real enthusiasm, my parents had divorced and I moved town with my mother and brother. I never made any effort to make a new life for myself in this town or find new friends or a job, instead travelling to my old home town to see my friends every 2 or 3 weeks, spending the rest of my time alone in my room on the internet. I've never been happy about living this way or felt like I'm entitled to live off my mother, but she is too kind. I have been somewhat coddled by her throughout life, her wanting to be the opposite of her own inattentive neglectful parents. She never pressures me to get a life, nor does anyone else. I think this on top of my lack of confidence is what created my apathy.
Near the end of 2012 I developed a general anxiety that was constant, it started with thoughts that my mind had somehow slowed (thought I found reading difficult etc) which spiralled into thinking I had a brain tumour and other miscellaneous hypochondria, the usual. When I realised I was suffering from anxiety I never saw a doctor and instead made life style changes; I quit smoking, started eating better and exercising, and started meditating. Eventually, after about 6 or 7 months, my constant anxiety was somewhat under control, to the point where I only got anxious in certain situations rather than constantly being uncomfortable even at home. I was never quite as content as before however. It messed with my sense of identity as I had always thought of myself as level headed and resilient, and I couldn't stop thinking about my own mind which often brought me out of the moment.
Something that may or may not be relevant is that about a month ago I smoked some weed at a party which I suspect had been a very high THC strain as I went into a horrible state and spent the next few days thinking I was depersonalized (I doubt it was real depersonalization, more likely just anxiety about it as I had read about it in the past).
Fast forward to a week ago.
I had a bad night, I was out drinking and felt anxious the whole time, trapped inside my head, though I told myself I would feel better in the morning (which I did). However, two days later, I felt very uncomfortable on the bus ride home, then later when I was trying to go to sleep, I suddenly felt like my mind was spiralling out of control. I sat up in bed thinking "what the f*ck is happening?!", I felt like I was sinking into a black hole, a crippling sense of loneliness, like I was the only thing in the universe and nothing could save me from this hell. I usually see people say they feel like they were having a heart attack or like they were dying, but I can't even pinpoint what I was panicking about. It was like I had just suddenly opened the door to a world of pain and darkness I previously couldn't even imagine. After a minute or two I was about ready to wake my mum for help when I realised "panic attack" and started to breath slowly. The realisation didn't make the horrible feelings of despair and loneliness go away. I put on a body scan meditation tape and forced myself to do it as best as I could, and my whole body was convulsing violently throughout. It took me until 7am until I had the courage to go to sleep.
I awoke in a true depression. I thought I had been depressed during my first spell of anxiety, but this has shown me different. I couldn't bring myself to eat, shower, and for the first few days it felt like whilst I awake I was merely hanging on, bearing the pain until I could sleep again, which I had to do with the TV on to help ease the sense of terror. The feeling of loneliness and emptiness is the main feature, the feeling that my mother doesn't feel real any more and not even she can help me (I suspect a lot of my psychology revolves around my relationship with my mother). I have feelings of hopelessness, like I really will be miserable forever this time. Like I'll never regain confidence in my own mind and just be able to live. Like having seen this darkness I'll never be able to forget it and it will always be there. I keep contemplating every little thing about my existence to the point where I feel like I'm holding this incredibly complex thing together and it will fall to pieces at any moment. I can't enjoy anything, I can't escape myself. Constant rumination, constantly thinking about myself. Fear of another attack isn't really at the front of my mind, it's more just fear of what I am now. I just want to be the way I was before all of this.
It's been a week now and I am thinking of going to the doctor this time, but I don't really know if sticking me on some pills is going to fix me, or get me out of myself and stop me from constantly thinking about my mind. I probably need to get a life to stop my brain from turning in on itself but I feel even more incapable of doing so than ever.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this?
For some context I should first mention that my life since 2011 has been somewhat empty, I'd finished a college course I had been doing with no real enthusiasm, my parents had divorced and I moved town with my mother and brother. I never made any effort to make a new life for myself in this town or find new friends or a job, instead travelling to my old home town to see my friends every 2 or 3 weeks, spending the rest of my time alone in my room on the internet. I've never been happy about living this way or felt like I'm entitled to live off my mother, but she is too kind. I have been somewhat coddled by her throughout life, her wanting to be the opposite of her own inattentive neglectful parents. She never pressures me to get a life, nor does anyone else. I think this on top of my lack of confidence is what created my apathy.
Near the end of 2012 I developed a general anxiety that was constant, it started with thoughts that my mind had somehow slowed (thought I found reading difficult etc) which spiralled into thinking I had a brain tumour and other miscellaneous hypochondria, the usual. When I realised I was suffering from anxiety I never saw a doctor and instead made life style changes; I quit smoking, started eating better and exercising, and started meditating. Eventually, after about 6 or 7 months, my constant anxiety was somewhat under control, to the point where I only got anxious in certain situations rather than constantly being uncomfortable even at home. I was never quite as content as before however. It messed with my sense of identity as I had always thought of myself as level headed and resilient, and I couldn't stop thinking about my own mind which often brought me out of the moment.
Something that may or may not be relevant is that about a month ago I smoked some weed at a party which I suspect had been a very high THC strain as I went into a horrible state and spent the next few days thinking I was depersonalized (I doubt it was real depersonalization, more likely just anxiety about it as I had read about it in the past).
Fast forward to a week ago.
I had a bad night, I was out drinking and felt anxious the whole time, trapped inside my head, though I told myself I would feel better in the morning (which I did). However, two days later, I felt very uncomfortable on the bus ride home, then later when I was trying to go to sleep, I suddenly felt like my mind was spiralling out of control. I sat up in bed thinking "what the f*ck is happening?!", I felt like I was sinking into a black hole, a crippling sense of loneliness, like I was the only thing in the universe and nothing could save me from this hell. I usually see people say they feel like they were having a heart attack or like they were dying, but I can't even pinpoint what I was panicking about. It was like I had just suddenly opened the door to a world of pain and darkness I previously couldn't even imagine. After a minute or two I was about ready to wake my mum for help when I realised "panic attack" and started to breath slowly. The realisation didn't make the horrible feelings of despair and loneliness go away. I put on a body scan meditation tape and forced myself to do it as best as I could, and my whole body was convulsing violently throughout. It took me until 7am until I had the courage to go to sleep.
I awoke in a true depression. I thought I had been depressed during my first spell of anxiety, but this has shown me different. I couldn't bring myself to eat, shower, and for the first few days it felt like whilst I awake I was merely hanging on, bearing the pain until I could sleep again, which I had to do with the TV on to help ease the sense of terror. The feeling of loneliness and emptiness is the main feature, the feeling that my mother doesn't feel real any more and not even she can help me (I suspect a lot of my psychology revolves around my relationship with my mother). I have feelings of hopelessness, like I really will be miserable forever this time. Like I'll never regain confidence in my own mind and just be able to live. Like having seen this darkness I'll never be able to forget it and it will always be there. I keep contemplating every little thing about my existence to the point where I feel like I'm holding this incredibly complex thing together and it will fall to pieces at any moment. I can't enjoy anything, I can't escape myself. Constant rumination, constantly thinking about myself. Fear of another attack isn't really at the front of my mind, it's more just fear of what I am now. I just want to be the way I was before all of this.
It's been a week now and I am thinking of going to the doctor this time, but I don't really know if sticking me on some pills is going to fix me, or get me out of myself and stop me from constantly thinking about my mind. I probably need to get a life to stop my brain from turning in on itself but I feel even more incapable of doing so than ever.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this?