View Full Version : Constant dread!
I guess I'm just looking to vent right now .. I'm so sick of te constant feeling of dread I've had for months!
I am so tearful and today I cried looking at a strangers wedding pics cause I don't think I'll ever live to get married, I don't feel like I'll make it to Christmas.
Today I got a letter about my breast exam saying it was all clear and when I saw it was from the hospital I assumed it would be saying they'd made a mistake and I was definitely very sick!!
At the moment it's bone cancer that's my issue.
I'm seeing my doctor about my hip problems and anxiety tomorrow .. I hope it helps!
Don't want to live like this anymore!
Xx
I know how you feel. But, you have to remember it is not you, it's the Anxiety.
It sounds like you have a bit of depression as well, but the two are closely linked. The Health Anxiety can be so overpowering. I know, I suffer too, but am learning to control it. It's the Mind that gives us the worry and that is what you have to keep occupied. Keep busy, keep strong and keep positive. It can get better, but it takes time and at some point you will feel like your old self again. :hugs:
I feel exactly as you have described. It's becoming unbearable and ruining my life. I feel like I'm cracking up and that I'm going to end up losing my amazing partner because he just won't want to see my mental instability. I think I'll lose my job because I can't function at work. I feel so depressed, so embarrased. I wish we could live in a world free from fear and danger and things that frighten us. I can't stop crying. I'm also convinced I'll never see my wedding day, let alone Christmas and I want is to marry my partner. I know this isn't helpful advice but I thought it might help to talk to someone feeling the same. I hope you feel better soon xxx
It does sound like depression. I now realise that my HA lead me to being quite depressed. I felt hopeless.I have always been a worrier, but depressed and feeling of hopelessness was not me. Do you take any medication? Is your GP aware of how you feel? Lucia:hugs:
Thanks everyone - it's good to know my experience is similar to others though I wouldn't wish this on anyone!
I can't wait to feel myself again but ATM I feel so so stuck!
It does sound like depression. I now realise that my HA lead me to being quite depressed. I felt hopeless.I have always been a worrier, but depressed and feeling of hopelessness was not me. Do you take any medication? Is your GP aware of how you feel? Lucia:hugs:
Luc, how did you overcome your anxiety and depression?
This is so not me and I can't stand it! I am seeing my GP tonight to discuss everything... I'm not on any meds and so far I don't think they're aware of this issue and I'm always seeing different docs (you can't book a certain one!) but I've written a list of points I want to make... Just hope they listen!
Thank you ladies, I'll keep you posted xx
HI FJ,
Great that your seeing your doctor today and that you have made a list. Keep at the top of your list the fact that you have HA and that you now feel very depressed - make this the focus of your appointment. The doctor will have in front of him your recent concerns so you do not need to go through them. You will be aware that the waiting list for CBT is around 6 months but I would ask the doctor to refer you. In the meantime use the free CBT course on here - people are always here for support and to answer questions. The doctor will probably discuss medication. I take trozodone and sertraline. I have found that these take the edge off my anxiety and help you cope. However last year I needed more than just to cope and took the bull by the horns or should I say dragon by the wings and put every effort into getting better. I stopped drinking, went out and got a job, started exercising, practised CBT (self-taught) and made myself live. I pushed myself when I really did not feel like it always remembering the principals of CBT. My biggie was exposure, which even now I have to constantly challenge- old habits die hard. I really tried to be kind to myself, something I was not very good at. I was in a very dark place and for me for however horrible it was that was my impetus to really get better - not that I would advocate getting so low that something puts a firecracker up your arse.
I am off to work now, and afterwards I am going beach combing with the kids. This evening I am cooking for a friend of mine and we will be looking at my proposal for my PHD. Rewind a year and I would be in the house, in my dressing gown, waiting for this evening to get back on the wine, anxious to the hilt, googling away and ignoring phone calls.
OOh that makes me sad even writing that. I recently burnt that dressing gown !!!
Let us know how you get on later and remember The focus is HA and Depression and I would be looking to come out of that room with a referral and medication (your decision) and not reassurance about your hip!!
Lucia:hugs:
Hi Lucia.
Thank you so so much for your reply - without it I would have been so tempted to go in on the hip angle.
I have noted down a lot of your points to help my discussion with the doc easier - I have already started to look at CBT online and after tonight will be making sure I work at it every day!!
I know exactly what you mean about making yourself live - there have been days where I have just wanted to stay in bed but luckily I have a fantastic boyfriend who gets me up and about and a job I love so I'm motivated to go in.
I will keep you posted about how it goes later.
Thanks again!!
Ps. Good luck with the PHD proposal - what is it you're wanting to do one in?
Fiona xxx
Hello ladies,
Thought I would update you on my doctors appointment - he was very helpful and has put my anxieties down to a change of environment when I moved to london and started a new job.
He said to hold off on the meds for a while as it's only been a few months and has given me a referral for CBT and a talking therapy.
I feel a lot better and can now accept I need to work hard to get through this!
Thanks for all your help with this!
Xxx
Glad your doctor has referred you for CBT. Have a go at the online stuff while you wait for your referral to come through.
What you have to remember, and I have to remind myself of this frequently. There is no magic wand, and you won't suddenly feel better overnight. So don't be despondent if it takes a while to feel better. Just keep plugging away, and eventually things will get better.
I'm currently doing exposure work, and I am finding it hard. It's really hard facing your fears, but that is the only thing that will work. In the past I've tried exposure therapy, and always thought it was too scary, but this time I'm determined to keep at it no matter how anxious it makes me. Short term pain for long term gain. Best wishes :yesyes:
Hi Fiona,
That's great Fiona !!!
My PHD proposal is on the social economy but it depends on funding. I am also thinking about doing a post-grad course called mental well-being practitioner. The latter is something I have recently toyed with so it is early days.
Lucia x.
---------- Post added at 18:55 ---------- Previous post was at 18:49 ----------
Oh yes Primula, Like I said old habits die hard. My avoidance tecniques are so embedded I really have to make a conscious effort to not carry them out.
Thank you both!!
Im so determined to get going with this now... when you say exposure - how do you deal with exposure of the fear of illnesses?
I looked into it but im a bit baffled!
Any advice and tips would be fab!
Lucia - that sounds so interesting! Keeping everything crossed for funding for you!
Xx
I would read the module on exposure therapy here
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=53. Read module 7, Challenging Avoidance and Safety Behaviour, or a good book to read and work through is Overcoming Health Anxiety by David Veale.
The idea is that you expose yourself to what you are frightened of in a controlled and managed way eg reading articles about your feared thing. Writing the word over and over, saying the word over and over until you are bored with it. You start with the least feared thing and work your way up to your most feared thing. You do it over and over until it doesn't frighten you anymore. Not easy but it's the best way to overcome your fears.
Thanks Fiona.
I have just been for a bath and consciously exposed myself to my biggest fears. Under arm washing Agh, underarm shaving agh and wait for it boob washing ... yes actual physical contact!!! ..... bra not hidden, pyjama top looked at , eyes open etc. I told you I had it bad. My now rational, calm mind says how for the love of god did you not think that after 10 years of not looking at the articles of clothing that touched your nipples you would have been alerted in some way to blood dripping from your boobs.How when you were hanging your washing out with your eyes closed did you not think that in ten years someone i.e. hubby, mother might have said ooh Lucia you have blood on your top where your nipple is!!! And even now when I am rational and calm and, for example I have something big on the next day, I have to hush that teeny, weeny dragon who is telling me not to look or touch.
Lucia:hugs:
---------- Post added at 22:03 ---------- Previous post was at 21:59 ----------
ha I suppose I should add that my biggest fear was breast cancer!
Thanks for this Primula - ive decided to start from the beginning doing 30 mins a day.
Just finished module one and I can see how useful its going to be :)!
Xx
My pleasure. I think that's the best way to do it. Don't try to rush through it, just do each module in order. Another thing my therapist is keen on, is to do relaxation at least once a day, especially applied muscle relaxation. You are allowed to Google that, lol. Also write down your thoughts, this can help you put things in perspective. As I've said this won't be an overnight recovery, but as the weeks go on you will improve, and if you keep a record of your thoughts, it's good to see how you have progressed. Good luck
Thanks Fiona.
I have just been for a bath and consciously exposed myself to my biggest fears. Under arm washing Agh, underarm shaving agh and wait for it boob washing ... yes actual physical contact!!! ..... bra not hidden, pyjama top looked at , eyes open etc. I told you I had it bad. My now rational, calm mind says how for the love of god did you not think that after 10 years of not looking at the articles of clothing that touched your nipples you would have been alerted in some way to blood dripping from your boobs.How when you were hanging your washing out with your eyes closed did you not think that in ten years someone i.e. hubby, mother might have said ooh Lucia you have blood on your top where your nipple is!!! And even now when I am rational and calm and, for example I have something big on the next day, I have to hush that teeny, weeny dragon who is telling me not to look or touch.
Lucia:hugs:
---------- Post added at 22:03 ---------- Previous post was at 21:59 ----------
ha I suppose I should add that my biggest fear was breast cancer!
Sorry Luc, I didn't see this last night but thanks so much for sharing your experience - isn't it awful what anxiety can do to you!!
I went through a stage of having panic attacks when I needed the loo when I was worried about bowel cancer!!!
And Primula - I have actually been sent a guide on muscle relaxation from a lady at a counselling service I enquired about so will start that tonight and buy a notebook today to keep a journal. It sounds mad but I feel if I'm going to do this properley that I need new notebooks not the ones I used for halfhearted attempts in the past few weeks!!
xx
That's great Fiona, yes starting with a clean sheet, I like that.
Well done Luc on doing your exposure. I'm on the second day of doing exposure and I'm feeling much more anxious today. I'm reading the blog of someone with terminal cancer, I have to read it until my fear drops by at least half. I did it for an hour this morning, and the fear didn't really drop that much. I think you have to do it for at least two weeks to feel a real drop in anxiety. At the moment I'm feeling like it's too much.
Some advice would be great. X
Primula - well done on making it to the second day.
Reading a blog about a cancer sufferer voluntarily is so brave. I had to do it for a story once and it sent me spiraling off but just keep telling yourself however painful it is it will have a brilliant outcome in the end.
I often have to interview people with cancer or people who've lost people to cancer for stories and I find it terrifying but it has to be done and that spurs me on!! Get yourself into the mindset like you would for a task at work that needs finishing :).
You an do it :) xxx
How's the exposure going Primula?
Hope you're all good ladies :) x
Scary, I've just posted a new thread. How are you doing? x
Ohh I'll have a read now!!
I seem to be doing well, feeling a lot calmed these past few days after my appointment and have started journalising and doing my CBT.
Doc did say he wanted to xray my hip because of my running and someone I've now been referred for both hip and foot xray - despite several confused calls from my docs receptionist I've not panicked :yesyes:
I think the pain is down to crappy trainers as my feet are killllling today!!
I have you and Luc and others largely to thank for all this.
xx
So glad you are feeling better. Now I just need to take my own advice :blush:
You do!!!
You're clearly a very strong, smart and knowledgeable person - I've not tried exposure yet so can't offer much advice but I was reading the blog of a family who lost their son to cancer yesterday for work so I know how terrifying it is.
I think the trick is to keep going and try to lose yourself in the words rather than comparing the content to your life - harder than it sounds, I know, but once you're an 'observer' it feels easier :) xxx:bighug1:
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