ChilliChocolate
27-08-14, 12:34
Hi NMPer’s,
I just want to share my update with you and give thanks to those who responded and helped me during my nervous breakdown nearly 6 months back. I suppose I am writing because not only do I wish to express gratitude to those who had commented and educated me in anxiety but also to show to others who are in the midst of despair, it does get better.
For me my breakdown occurred due to unresolved trauma, weight loss and to never slowing down and switching off. For years the World skimmed before my eyes in auto-pilot mode and even though I was happy being busy, I was happy for the wrong reason. I was busy because I didn’t want to stop. Stopping meant feeling and experiencing things that I didn’t want to. My nervous breakdown definitely made me stop. Despite the signs and warnings (panic attacks, chest pains, dizziness, crying), when my body eventually stopped it felt like I was hit by a bus. My symptoms were: physical exhaustion, thirst, lack of energy, dizziness, poor appetite, hypo and hyper glycaemia; high and low blood pressure; body, neck and head ache, sweating, shaking of hands and legs, aversion to light and sound. To me, it was like how I’d expect a body that is shutting down through dying. And I thought I was.
After a few days I pulled my strength together to see my GP. They put me on citalopram and told me to start eating and to start prioritising life. The GP also said that was something that was going to be with me a long while to get over and signed me up for counselling services. For the first 1- 2 weeks I was stuck to my bed. It was safe and I knew my bearings from there. Eating was very difficult and I lost nearly 1 stone in weight. My husband was amazing. He fed me, helped me wash, and looked after the kids. Cuddled me while I slept, let me squeeze him while I cried, and when he had the time we watched crap TV together.
Week 3 and 4 was rock bottom for me. I knew that I had to get moving, but my body wouldn’t. My husband was getting tired, I felt like I was letting him down. There was stuff to do and life was moving along without me. A part of me didn’t care but the panic attacks would nail me onto the bed until I would fall asleep. When I would wake they were gone but the derealisation and dizziness made me aware that it was close by. Here was when I surrendered to it. I remember saying to myself “Ok, that is enough. If you want me stuck to this bed then this is where I will stay for the rest of my life”. I laid down and cried myself to sleep. When I woke up I picked up my phone and found this forum. Fellow NMPer’s recommended Claire Weekes and also Warren Levine; these books and audio’s became my life and I devoured everything I could from their works. The first thing I found, which was the greatest relief was that I wasn’t dying. Everything I read was 'me'. It was ‘just’ anxiety (Haha ‘just’ being the word – sheesh – it is one incredible foe).
The waiting list in our part of the UK was 4 – 6 months for counselling. I couldn’t wait that long so I paid for private CBT sessions at £70 per hour. It was a lot of money but it was money well spent. The first task was the hyperventilation task. That was scary yet incredible. Then we had sessions that dealt with the de-realisation and dizziness such as exposure therapy in crowded places and dealing with visual disturbances (such as lights and patterns).
The citalopram was very odd for me. It never actually worked. Ok, I was only on 10mg but I wouldn’t increase the 10mg because it made me feel very strange. When I was younger I experimented with alcohol, drugs, smoking, etc. A few times during this phase I took LSD. To me, the 10mg citalopram reminded me of that moment just before the build-up of the drug started. Maybe only someone who has experienced this would understand as it’s hard to describe. But it was like I was always waiting for the ‘hit’ to happen. I didn’t like it at all. When I looked into this with citalopram being an SSRI, LSD affects the serotonin pathways also. It was a bit too close for comfort for me and I didn’t feel comfortable. However I did give it a good go and stayed on it for nearly 4 months. Weaning off it was better than I expected. In fact I’m finding that since coming off the citalopram, a lot of the irrational fears have stopped and in some ways feeling better.
Saying that nearly 6 months on after my nervous breakdown (burn-out, nervous exhaustion,neurasthenia, dysautonomia, whatever it is called), I am not 100% better. I’d say I’m 90 – 95%. In fact I don't expect or even want to return to the old person that I was. Now, it is like I have on a big shiny pair of new ‘brave-big-boy’ boots and I am going out into the world again anew. Trying things out, putting no pressure or expectations on myself; just simply finding my way. Some days I wake up feeling great, then within an hour the derealisation will hit me. Now, I don’t let it stop what with what I need to do. If I get a panic attack, then ‘so what?!’; it will pass. If I get dizzy to where I may faint, “so what?!”; I’ll get back up again. Just carry on! It's anxiety. It's normal and natural and I am still sensitive to it. Life is about ‘now’ and apologies if this sounds shallow or patronising to those who are at their worst, but I want to live my life. I was lucky that depression never struck me too hard during this phase, as deep down I know that life is too good to miss. One day as my body ages I may get a heart attack, stroke, cancer, diabetes, etc, but today I haven’t. Until that time comes I am going to live to the fullest.
The relationships with my family and friends has changed for the better. I have been so very lucky. Seeing my husband care for me from the beginning, to him even doing a total bedroom make-over as he wanted to give me the calming space I obviously needed for so long. He has along the way instinctively known what I have needed. Extra cuddles from the children 'just because' have been wonderful unexpected pick me up's. Calls and trips with friends when I've felt up to it have been so wonderfully special. I don't have many friends but who I do have, I appreciate whole-heartedly.
Anyway these are my things that helped me during my breakdown. Some may be a bit kooky but before this I was a logical, analytical individual and this experience has significantly changed my outlook on life. I hope that someone out there may find it useful:
1. Surrender.
2. Acceptance. (Claire Weekes talk on "if your hands shake then LET THEM SHAKE" was so good to hear)
3. Eat good food. Dairy, good fats, no sweets (as they would trigger panic attacks), carbohydrates such as rice, pasta, new potatoes. Nuts, seeds, beans and protein. My ultimate saviour foods were: chocolate milk, soup (with extra salt), bananas and yoghurts. Also I took a multi vitamin supplement.
4. Listen to your dreams. It is your subconscious telling you what you need; getting that ‘aha!’ moment is just incredible.
5. Talk to your primitive brain. You will most probably find that it needs nurturing. It is scared and it is doing what it is doing to dominate you into what is wants/needs. I found that I had taken my body so far beyond those warning signs that my primitive brain had to reign my @ss right in. It controls so many parts of the body through the sympathetic nervous system and it went all out on me.
6. Make a journal. This was my best friend through it all. One great tip through my surrender moment was to switch writing hands. I’m dominant right-handed but I switched to my left when I wanted to ‘talk’ to my primitive brain (where the anxiety is coming from). When they came naturally, these were very powerful conversations with oneself and get to the core of what is going on.
7. Nature and sunlight. It doesn’t even have to be a bright sunny day but getting out and about truly does wonders.
8. Make friends and fall in love with yourself. Ok that sounds silly but it really worked for me. I have found a new friend in myself. When you think about it, our body is made up of so many complex systems, keeping itself alive and ticking over. My experience was an example of instinctive self-preservation from one system to the others. It had to do this in order to survive. I (we) are on the same team and once I started to empathise with that and ask/feel for what it wanted, then this was the road to recovery for me.
9. Meditation. During my breakdown it was a very natural process and helped me relax a lot. I loved it.
10. Try to appreciate the backward steps. They showed me how far I had come.
11. Switching from cardio exercise to more gentle forms such as walking or stretching or yoga.
12. For the ladies – PMS. Anxiety for me gets worse around this time. It shakes me to where I do stop and wonder if I am taking a step backwards. I know it’s not. It will pass. For me, this is the time for chocolate.
Anyway thank you NMP for letting me share my story. Thank you to some individuals (MyNameIsTerry in particular whose posts had been very enlightening). Wishing you all love and light on your own journeys. Always have faith!
CC x
I just want to share my update with you and give thanks to those who responded and helped me during my nervous breakdown nearly 6 months back. I suppose I am writing because not only do I wish to express gratitude to those who had commented and educated me in anxiety but also to show to others who are in the midst of despair, it does get better.
For me my breakdown occurred due to unresolved trauma, weight loss and to never slowing down and switching off. For years the World skimmed before my eyes in auto-pilot mode and even though I was happy being busy, I was happy for the wrong reason. I was busy because I didn’t want to stop. Stopping meant feeling and experiencing things that I didn’t want to. My nervous breakdown definitely made me stop. Despite the signs and warnings (panic attacks, chest pains, dizziness, crying), when my body eventually stopped it felt like I was hit by a bus. My symptoms were: physical exhaustion, thirst, lack of energy, dizziness, poor appetite, hypo and hyper glycaemia; high and low blood pressure; body, neck and head ache, sweating, shaking of hands and legs, aversion to light and sound. To me, it was like how I’d expect a body that is shutting down through dying. And I thought I was.
After a few days I pulled my strength together to see my GP. They put me on citalopram and told me to start eating and to start prioritising life. The GP also said that was something that was going to be with me a long while to get over and signed me up for counselling services. For the first 1- 2 weeks I was stuck to my bed. It was safe and I knew my bearings from there. Eating was very difficult and I lost nearly 1 stone in weight. My husband was amazing. He fed me, helped me wash, and looked after the kids. Cuddled me while I slept, let me squeeze him while I cried, and when he had the time we watched crap TV together.
Week 3 and 4 was rock bottom for me. I knew that I had to get moving, but my body wouldn’t. My husband was getting tired, I felt like I was letting him down. There was stuff to do and life was moving along without me. A part of me didn’t care but the panic attacks would nail me onto the bed until I would fall asleep. When I would wake they were gone but the derealisation and dizziness made me aware that it was close by. Here was when I surrendered to it. I remember saying to myself “Ok, that is enough. If you want me stuck to this bed then this is where I will stay for the rest of my life”. I laid down and cried myself to sleep. When I woke up I picked up my phone and found this forum. Fellow NMPer’s recommended Claire Weekes and also Warren Levine; these books and audio’s became my life and I devoured everything I could from their works. The first thing I found, which was the greatest relief was that I wasn’t dying. Everything I read was 'me'. It was ‘just’ anxiety (Haha ‘just’ being the word – sheesh – it is one incredible foe).
The waiting list in our part of the UK was 4 – 6 months for counselling. I couldn’t wait that long so I paid for private CBT sessions at £70 per hour. It was a lot of money but it was money well spent. The first task was the hyperventilation task. That was scary yet incredible. Then we had sessions that dealt with the de-realisation and dizziness such as exposure therapy in crowded places and dealing with visual disturbances (such as lights and patterns).
The citalopram was very odd for me. It never actually worked. Ok, I was only on 10mg but I wouldn’t increase the 10mg because it made me feel very strange. When I was younger I experimented with alcohol, drugs, smoking, etc. A few times during this phase I took LSD. To me, the 10mg citalopram reminded me of that moment just before the build-up of the drug started. Maybe only someone who has experienced this would understand as it’s hard to describe. But it was like I was always waiting for the ‘hit’ to happen. I didn’t like it at all. When I looked into this with citalopram being an SSRI, LSD affects the serotonin pathways also. It was a bit too close for comfort for me and I didn’t feel comfortable. However I did give it a good go and stayed on it for nearly 4 months. Weaning off it was better than I expected. In fact I’m finding that since coming off the citalopram, a lot of the irrational fears have stopped and in some ways feeling better.
Saying that nearly 6 months on after my nervous breakdown (burn-out, nervous exhaustion,neurasthenia, dysautonomia, whatever it is called), I am not 100% better. I’d say I’m 90 – 95%. In fact I don't expect or even want to return to the old person that I was. Now, it is like I have on a big shiny pair of new ‘brave-big-boy’ boots and I am going out into the world again anew. Trying things out, putting no pressure or expectations on myself; just simply finding my way. Some days I wake up feeling great, then within an hour the derealisation will hit me. Now, I don’t let it stop what with what I need to do. If I get a panic attack, then ‘so what?!’; it will pass. If I get dizzy to where I may faint, “so what?!”; I’ll get back up again. Just carry on! It's anxiety. It's normal and natural and I am still sensitive to it. Life is about ‘now’ and apologies if this sounds shallow or patronising to those who are at their worst, but I want to live my life. I was lucky that depression never struck me too hard during this phase, as deep down I know that life is too good to miss. One day as my body ages I may get a heart attack, stroke, cancer, diabetes, etc, but today I haven’t. Until that time comes I am going to live to the fullest.
The relationships with my family and friends has changed for the better. I have been so very lucky. Seeing my husband care for me from the beginning, to him even doing a total bedroom make-over as he wanted to give me the calming space I obviously needed for so long. He has along the way instinctively known what I have needed. Extra cuddles from the children 'just because' have been wonderful unexpected pick me up's. Calls and trips with friends when I've felt up to it have been so wonderfully special. I don't have many friends but who I do have, I appreciate whole-heartedly.
Anyway these are my things that helped me during my breakdown. Some may be a bit kooky but before this I was a logical, analytical individual and this experience has significantly changed my outlook on life. I hope that someone out there may find it useful:
1. Surrender.
2. Acceptance. (Claire Weekes talk on "if your hands shake then LET THEM SHAKE" was so good to hear)
3. Eat good food. Dairy, good fats, no sweets (as they would trigger panic attacks), carbohydrates such as rice, pasta, new potatoes. Nuts, seeds, beans and protein. My ultimate saviour foods were: chocolate milk, soup (with extra salt), bananas and yoghurts. Also I took a multi vitamin supplement.
4. Listen to your dreams. It is your subconscious telling you what you need; getting that ‘aha!’ moment is just incredible.
5. Talk to your primitive brain. You will most probably find that it needs nurturing. It is scared and it is doing what it is doing to dominate you into what is wants/needs. I found that I had taken my body so far beyond those warning signs that my primitive brain had to reign my @ss right in. It controls so many parts of the body through the sympathetic nervous system and it went all out on me.
6. Make a journal. This was my best friend through it all. One great tip through my surrender moment was to switch writing hands. I’m dominant right-handed but I switched to my left when I wanted to ‘talk’ to my primitive brain (where the anxiety is coming from). When they came naturally, these were very powerful conversations with oneself and get to the core of what is going on.
7. Nature and sunlight. It doesn’t even have to be a bright sunny day but getting out and about truly does wonders.
8. Make friends and fall in love with yourself. Ok that sounds silly but it really worked for me. I have found a new friend in myself. When you think about it, our body is made up of so many complex systems, keeping itself alive and ticking over. My experience was an example of instinctive self-preservation from one system to the others. It had to do this in order to survive. I (we) are on the same team and once I started to empathise with that and ask/feel for what it wanted, then this was the road to recovery for me.
9. Meditation. During my breakdown it was a very natural process and helped me relax a lot. I loved it.
10. Try to appreciate the backward steps. They showed me how far I had come.
11. Switching from cardio exercise to more gentle forms such as walking or stretching or yoga.
12. For the ladies – PMS. Anxiety for me gets worse around this time. It shakes me to where I do stop and wonder if I am taking a step backwards. I know it’s not. It will pass. For me, this is the time for chocolate.
Anyway thank you NMP for letting me share my story. Thank you to some individuals (MyNameIsTerry in particular whose posts had been very enlightening). Wishing you all love and light on your own journeys. Always have faith!
CC x