RoaminRome
29-08-14, 04:00
Hey everyone,
I am a 20 Year Old male, from the US. (I like long walks on the bea.....oh wait, wrong forum XD)
I have been an active reader of the forums for some time, but only recently created an account to start posting. I will begin with a story about myself and panic and then get into my main questions and concerns, so you may skip ahead if you wish! Or read on!
STORY:
(My apologies if this is too forward for some)
I used to live on the East Coast of the US, but when I was 8 my parents got divorced and my 2 siblings, mom, and I moved to California. My dad was.... IS an alcoholic and so he wasnt very proactive in my life as a young man, other than the 1 month per summer that we spent out with him across the country. When my older brother hit high school, my dad started investing a lot of time in him becoming a football player, and as you can probably guess, I felt like I was thrown to the wayside. So without a father figure in my life at the age of 12 or 13, I subconsciously began looking for that figure, and thought that I found it in my mom's husbands son, or stepbrother(whichever you prefer).
Unfortunately, this was quite a mistake. I led myself into a very manipulative and toxic friendship with a person who I thought was kind, but turned out to have a different agenda. Long story short at the age of 13 1/2 or 14, I was sexually assaulted by him, nothing too serious, but I wont go into detail. I kept this a secret for over a year, and never told a soul, until I finally broke free from this emotional captivity and told my mom what happened.
This led to court trials, a lot of counseling and some self esteem issues as you can imagine.
Now I am in High School, and I have found my purpose in the world: Acting. I have such a fiery passion for acting, it makes me smile just talking about it. I performed in many shows around my area and in high school, and worked my way up to a World Premiere play that I would be flown out to Aberdeen, Scotland to perform. With 23+ shows under my belt and a few film and tv credits. I had 0, ZERO anxiety in all of those performances, the natural butterflies of course, but that was excitement not fear. I thought I was on top of the world and ready to move to Los Angeles and start my career.
And then the worst possible thing occurs....
I am on the set of one of my biggest movies gigs yet, and I was script-less. They never gave me a script ahead of time, nor did they tell me that I had lines. so after 6 hours into an 8 hour day, they shove a script in my hands and say, "hope you learn fast kid."
I began to feel like I was going to die. Stomach hurt, couldnt breath, had to throw up, and was shaking more than you could imagine (oh wait this is a panic forum, nevermind ;)). I couldnt do the scene and I told the director that I was just feeling sick, so I would be back to film tomorrow. This was my first big panic attack, and it was only the beginning. The next morning came and I woke up, went to get breakfast and got ready.
As I am sitting at the table, I feel like I need to start crying, just thinking about going back to the set. I lay down on the couch to calm down, and begin bursting out in tears. I stayed on that couch for another hour or so and I had to tell the assistant director that I wouldnt be able to return for the shoot.
I was devastated and I felt so useless, like I had let down my family, and ultimately myself.
About 3 months of panic attacks later, I get a letter from my agent telling me that they are no longer representing me. Pretty much because I wasn't booking any jobs, and its the entertainment industry, time= money. I understood, but this was another huge blow to my confidence and self esteem.
The next 6 or 7 months consisted of panic attacks and generalized anxiety, and a very very minimal amount of my passion. Now it is February of this year 2014. After trying Clonazepam for about 2 months and feeling like I was high as a kite, I stopped taking pills altogether back in November.
I decided to start CBT and see what that might do for me. I went from one therapist to another until finally finding my match. I walked into his office in late february and he lays out a full plan to help me get on track to better health. I started taking Panic Courses, GAD courses and learning techniques to calm a panic attack and promote good health. I felt soooo amazing, but it was short lived for about 4-5 weeks. Then the panic started hitting hard. Everyday, a panic attack, I didnt want to leave my house. I just wanted to curl up and start crying. So I went in and told him, something needs to change. He had me do a thought record,(If you dont know what a thought record is, I highly recommend you look them up, they work wonders for panic). In the thought record we got down to one of the deepest aspects that is a cause of my anxiety: Ending up alone, and being unwanted or useless to my family; being a disappointment. I bursted out crying and laughing when I finally said it out loud, it was like a giant weight was lifted off of my shoulders. But again, this was short lived.
I started taking Zoloft back in April, to try to combat my day to day anxiety and lower the intensity of my panic attacks. I was on 50 mg's for about 2 months, and it wasnt working wonders, still had day to day anxiety and panic attacks here and there. Back in June, I upped my dose to 100 mg, and started to feel better. My day to day has been feeling a lot better recently, but the panic is still there. I finally got a job working with one of my siblings in retail, and every so often, I have a panic attack before work for no reason.
I have not acted or practiced my craft since November 1st, 2013, so almost 1 whole year.
**HUGE WALL OF TEXT END**
Whew. that was a lot to say, but I hope it gives context to my situation. I feel like the one thing that keeps me sane is the main thing that I am afraid of. I cant even submit myself for auditions, let alone go in and perform in one. I always feel the need to throw up, or that I am stuck in a situation that I can never get out of, thus a feeling of terror comes over. The stomach pain is the worst, but the feeling of pure fear is what catapults it.
I made arrangements to get myself into a BFA program in Theatre at the University of Southern California in the Fall of 2015, so this next year is very crucial to get myself and my acting back on track. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Must I force myself through the panic and perform? Will this go away on its own in a year? Will I ever be able to recapture the love and lose the fear of the one thing I feel I am meant for in the life? These are all of the questions rushing through my subconscious brain 24/7. I get so frustrated with myself and my family gets frustrated with me too, its all out of love, but the find it hard to motivate me if I cant motivate myself.
If I have been on Zoloft 100mg for over 2 1/2 months now, and I am still experiencing slight bouts of Panic and extreme anxiety, should I try a different drug? or keep going for the somewhat good effects that it had already?
Is this something I will have to live with for the rest of my life or is there any way to get myself back up on that stage panic free?
Again, I apologize for soooo much information, but It is an article that I have wanted to write for some time, and I am in need of assistance now more than ever. Thank you in advance for those of you that read and take time to respond, it really means a lot to me.
Cheers everyone, :)
Roman
I am a 20 Year Old male, from the US. (I like long walks on the bea.....oh wait, wrong forum XD)
I have been an active reader of the forums for some time, but only recently created an account to start posting. I will begin with a story about myself and panic and then get into my main questions and concerns, so you may skip ahead if you wish! Or read on!
STORY:
(My apologies if this is too forward for some)
I used to live on the East Coast of the US, but when I was 8 my parents got divorced and my 2 siblings, mom, and I moved to California. My dad was.... IS an alcoholic and so he wasnt very proactive in my life as a young man, other than the 1 month per summer that we spent out with him across the country. When my older brother hit high school, my dad started investing a lot of time in him becoming a football player, and as you can probably guess, I felt like I was thrown to the wayside. So without a father figure in my life at the age of 12 or 13, I subconsciously began looking for that figure, and thought that I found it in my mom's husbands son, or stepbrother(whichever you prefer).
Unfortunately, this was quite a mistake. I led myself into a very manipulative and toxic friendship with a person who I thought was kind, but turned out to have a different agenda. Long story short at the age of 13 1/2 or 14, I was sexually assaulted by him, nothing too serious, but I wont go into detail. I kept this a secret for over a year, and never told a soul, until I finally broke free from this emotional captivity and told my mom what happened.
This led to court trials, a lot of counseling and some self esteem issues as you can imagine.
Now I am in High School, and I have found my purpose in the world: Acting. I have such a fiery passion for acting, it makes me smile just talking about it. I performed in many shows around my area and in high school, and worked my way up to a World Premiere play that I would be flown out to Aberdeen, Scotland to perform. With 23+ shows under my belt and a few film and tv credits. I had 0, ZERO anxiety in all of those performances, the natural butterflies of course, but that was excitement not fear. I thought I was on top of the world and ready to move to Los Angeles and start my career.
And then the worst possible thing occurs....
I am on the set of one of my biggest movies gigs yet, and I was script-less. They never gave me a script ahead of time, nor did they tell me that I had lines. so after 6 hours into an 8 hour day, they shove a script in my hands and say, "hope you learn fast kid."
I began to feel like I was going to die. Stomach hurt, couldnt breath, had to throw up, and was shaking more than you could imagine (oh wait this is a panic forum, nevermind ;)). I couldnt do the scene and I told the director that I was just feeling sick, so I would be back to film tomorrow. This was my first big panic attack, and it was only the beginning. The next morning came and I woke up, went to get breakfast and got ready.
As I am sitting at the table, I feel like I need to start crying, just thinking about going back to the set. I lay down on the couch to calm down, and begin bursting out in tears. I stayed on that couch for another hour or so and I had to tell the assistant director that I wouldnt be able to return for the shoot.
I was devastated and I felt so useless, like I had let down my family, and ultimately myself.
About 3 months of panic attacks later, I get a letter from my agent telling me that they are no longer representing me. Pretty much because I wasn't booking any jobs, and its the entertainment industry, time= money. I understood, but this was another huge blow to my confidence and self esteem.
The next 6 or 7 months consisted of panic attacks and generalized anxiety, and a very very minimal amount of my passion. Now it is February of this year 2014. After trying Clonazepam for about 2 months and feeling like I was high as a kite, I stopped taking pills altogether back in November.
I decided to start CBT and see what that might do for me. I went from one therapist to another until finally finding my match. I walked into his office in late february and he lays out a full plan to help me get on track to better health. I started taking Panic Courses, GAD courses and learning techniques to calm a panic attack and promote good health. I felt soooo amazing, but it was short lived for about 4-5 weeks. Then the panic started hitting hard. Everyday, a panic attack, I didnt want to leave my house. I just wanted to curl up and start crying. So I went in and told him, something needs to change. He had me do a thought record,(If you dont know what a thought record is, I highly recommend you look them up, they work wonders for panic). In the thought record we got down to one of the deepest aspects that is a cause of my anxiety: Ending up alone, and being unwanted or useless to my family; being a disappointment. I bursted out crying and laughing when I finally said it out loud, it was like a giant weight was lifted off of my shoulders. But again, this was short lived.
I started taking Zoloft back in April, to try to combat my day to day anxiety and lower the intensity of my panic attacks. I was on 50 mg's for about 2 months, and it wasnt working wonders, still had day to day anxiety and panic attacks here and there. Back in June, I upped my dose to 100 mg, and started to feel better. My day to day has been feeling a lot better recently, but the panic is still there. I finally got a job working with one of my siblings in retail, and every so often, I have a panic attack before work for no reason.
I have not acted or practiced my craft since November 1st, 2013, so almost 1 whole year.
**HUGE WALL OF TEXT END**
Whew. that was a lot to say, but I hope it gives context to my situation. I feel like the one thing that keeps me sane is the main thing that I am afraid of. I cant even submit myself for auditions, let alone go in and perform in one. I always feel the need to throw up, or that I am stuck in a situation that I can never get out of, thus a feeling of terror comes over. The stomach pain is the worst, but the feeling of pure fear is what catapults it.
I made arrangements to get myself into a BFA program in Theatre at the University of Southern California in the Fall of 2015, so this next year is very crucial to get myself and my acting back on track. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Must I force myself through the panic and perform? Will this go away on its own in a year? Will I ever be able to recapture the love and lose the fear of the one thing I feel I am meant for in the life? These are all of the questions rushing through my subconscious brain 24/7. I get so frustrated with myself and my family gets frustrated with me too, its all out of love, but the find it hard to motivate me if I cant motivate myself.
If I have been on Zoloft 100mg for over 2 1/2 months now, and I am still experiencing slight bouts of Panic and extreme anxiety, should I try a different drug? or keep going for the somewhat good effects that it had already?
Is this something I will have to live with for the rest of my life or is there any way to get myself back up on that stage panic free?
Again, I apologize for soooo much information, but It is an article that I have wanted to write for some time, and I am in need of assistance now more than ever. Thank you in advance for those of you that read and take time to respond, it really means a lot to me.
Cheers everyone, :)
Roman