Mezzo
31-08-14, 14:14
We've been together for about 2 years and it's always been fine, no problems, he is a wonderful man. He has spent 2 weeks at my house and it sent me absolutely crazy, I was crying in his presence for the majority of the time and worst of all I kept feeling so indifferent towards him and lying awake at night next to him wondering if I even still loved him at all. At the same time knowing I REALLY don't want to break up and that he's someone who is so perfect for me.
I have anxiety and depression and I often feel like I'm behind some plastic when talking to other people because I just don't feel as though I can connect, and this with my boyfriend felt almost like an extension of that. There were some good moments but a lot of the time I just felt so wrong and unhappy. It was easiest when I was not alone with him, which makes me feel like an awful girlfriend. But at the same time I am always very upset that he might not be having a good time, and that I'm failing him and not being entertaining and stuff like that, so it's not that I am indifferent towards him, I think maybe just very anxious to please him and it's blocking everything else out, I don't know.
I don't know what to do, I think it is the mental illness making it hard to feel anything 'real' but it is really bothering me as I have never felt this bad around him before. He is the person I see myself with in the future, he knows about all my mental illness issues and is very supportive but I don't know how much I can ask him to take, especially after these new strange feelings - almost lack of feelings.
editing for more info: not on any medication and not in any treatment. I feel similarly when I go out with friends, i .e. I'm not really fully 'connecting' with them. I guess in my head I have some idea that the 'true love' sort of relationship should be able to bypass all this head stuff but I also don't really subscribe to the idea of 'true love' and I believe even great relationships need work. I don't mind the work but I don't know what I should even be working on, other than fixing my head, but I am not sure how fixed I can even get. I think some derealization may also be at play here and possibly to blame for my muted reactions to surroundings and relationships.
I have anxiety and depression and I often feel like I'm behind some plastic when talking to other people because I just don't feel as though I can connect, and this with my boyfriend felt almost like an extension of that. There were some good moments but a lot of the time I just felt so wrong and unhappy. It was easiest when I was not alone with him, which makes me feel like an awful girlfriend. But at the same time I am always very upset that he might not be having a good time, and that I'm failing him and not being entertaining and stuff like that, so it's not that I am indifferent towards him, I think maybe just very anxious to please him and it's blocking everything else out, I don't know.
I don't know what to do, I think it is the mental illness making it hard to feel anything 'real' but it is really bothering me as I have never felt this bad around him before. He is the person I see myself with in the future, he knows about all my mental illness issues and is very supportive but I don't know how much I can ask him to take, especially after these new strange feelings - almost lack of feelings.
editing for more info: not on any medication and not in any treatment. I feel similarly when I go out with friends, i .e. I'm not really fully 'connecting' with them. I guess in my head I have some idea that the 'true love' sort of relationship should be able to bypass all this head stuff but I also don't really subscribe to the idea of 'true love' and I believe even great relationships need work. I don't mind the work but I don't know what I should even be working on, other than fixing my head, but I am not sure how fixed I can even get. I think some derealization may also be at play here and possibly to blame for my muted reactions to surroundings and relationships.