View Full Version : New here, constantly afraid of just about everything, it seems!
Hi there everyone. I've been reluctant to post just yet as every time I think perhaps my heads is making my symptoms worse, I think that thinking so might make me miss a diagnosis. This might be really long but I don't really have anywhere to turn and am having daily crying fits.
For about a month now, I've been in what appears to be an internal down spiral. It all started when I felt a twitching in my abdomen, similar to how your eye twitches. A few years ago I had pancreatitis due to gall stones. I had the gall bladder removed the following year but the pancreatitis was missed due to the fact I was 22, a female, and didn't drink. I ended up collapsing and being taken by ambulance to the hospital where I was in the ITU with septicaemia. (Didn't know I had blood poisoning until this year.)
Naturally, as I think most of you are aware of yourselves, I turned to the grand old internet and discovered aortic aneurysms. Went to my GP about this twitching and she said we all have a pulse that can be seen in our stomach and that it was highly unlikely I'd be having one. I felt a bit better after seeing her, but over the weekend I became constipated. More reading went on, I went back to the dr who told me similar things. I'm not really a doctor-goer (for want of a better way to put it) so the fact I kept making appointments because of my symptoms made them even more real (they were and are real though) and after being convinced (and still convinced) I have some sort of cancer or the pancreatitis is back or my thyroid is messed up or I have arthritis or or or, I ended up calling NHS direct and saw a PCP who said she felt a mass where my gall bladder had been. Of course this made me lose it and I broke down crying, even though she told me it's likely just scar tissue and the only reason she was admitting me was because she couldn't make that call herself.
I had x rays that showed I was really backed up (constipation) but all the bloods they had done and I'd had done previously apparently came up clear. Of course, the internet has told me about how sometimes bloods can't detect everything and it was of little peace of mind. They sent me home and said they'd book an ultra sound for me in a couple of weeks just to make sure. (Had that yesterday and they said there didn't appear to be anything wrong.)
All through this time, my neck and shoulder pains had been getting worse and worse. They subsided for a couple of days after I'd been in the hospital. No aches, bowels moving (thanks to movicol), and I thought I was actually getting better. That it was passing. That I was okay. I had a concert to attend for my birthday and I was determined not to miss out on this, this required leaving home for a few days and the aches came back on the train there. I started to read about bad posture which led to fibromyalgia which led to arthritis again and cancer (blood, bone, liver) and it made my time away fairly difficult. Doctors have told me consistently that the choking feeling I have and the aches in my neck and shoulder could all be down to anxiety. As well as my tummy troubles. I'm scared the docs are just discounting me because of my previous and ongoing mental health issues.
Coming back from being away, I was hit with a hard cold. (Prompting googling of mucus colours, joint aches, "can cancer mimic a cold"...) My last dr appointment scheduled bloods for my thyroid which I've been convinced I've had problems with for years and still feel I might have. Had bloods, they came back normal except for a slightly elevated borderline CRP count which the doctor said was probably because of the fact I had a cold when I had my tests and has scheduled more for two weeks time and an ultra sound on my neck even though he thinks there's nothing to worry about.
But...
I came home and stupidly googled CRP blood test. I'm just so tired and sick and feel alone, scared, sad all of the time. I'm so terrified that if I listen to people telling me that it is just anxiety, they'll miss something in my diagnosis. It's so alienating and seemingly hit me out of nowhere.
Before this all happened, I had some major stress and changes in my life. I even thought by doing something I'd "done all I had to do" or that I couldn't have had that much good in my life without something bad coming around the corner. I'm just, yeah. Reading everyone's posts here makes me feel like I'm not so alone but I'm so scared that I felt I had to join in and maybe get and give support.
Also semi related, before this happened I was seeing a psychologist for my long term depression and they kept cancelling on me last minute and sometimes not notifying me of such things which led to many fits of stress. But on the flip side, I'd been drinking the last year and am convinced I've ruined my body with it. It's this endless cycle that never ends. I thought I was so okay with the fact our lives are so short but - I'm terrified.
Thank you to anyone who has read this. I wish everyone the best. You can beat this, you can show your brains who is boss.
Welcome. I hope you find as much help here as I have. I have never known anyone say that googling their symptoms has comforted them. I wish you all the best.
Welcome. I hope you find as much help here as I have. I have never known anyone say that googling their symptoms has comforted them. I wish you all the best.
Thank you so much. I never really used to fret about my health and the last month it's been all I've done, which leads to more worrying over the "fear of impending doom" dark shadow. I wouldn't wish any of it on my worst enemy!
iPodClassic
02-09-14, 15:53
You need some therapy, URGENT.
Of course, the internet has told me about how sometimes bloods can't detect everything and it was of little peace of mind.
But serious things DO show on the CBC, hematocrits, enzymes, something had to get messed up real bad if it was something serious.
And I can tell you one thing for sure: You are NOT alone. I am here, and I have the exact same symptoms as you (if you don't believe me, check my post here: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=159262 )
And here I am, at work typing this in order to make you feel less alone, it has to mean something good, right? :)
Be strong. This is awful I know, I feel like I'll collapse and even die several times a day, for a long time , but there are times of peace, if even minutes, which mean nothing is wrong.
Hugs and I hope you feel better soon!
You need some therapy, URGENT.
But serious things DO show on the CBC, hematocrits, enzymes, something had to get messed up real bad if it was something serious.
And I can tell you one thing for sure: You are NOT alone. I am here, and I have the exact same symptoms as you (if you don't believe me, check my post here: )
And here I am, at work typing this in order to make you feel less alone, it has to mean something good, right?
Be strong. This is awful I know, I feel like I'll collapse and even die several times a day, for a long time , but there are times of peace, if even minutes, which mean nothing is wrong.
Hugs and I hope you feel better soon!
This reply means a lot to me too, I'm so glad I got the guts to post. Hugs right back to you. It's so...it makes you feel like you're going absolutely mad, and then if you start thinking it's all in your head, there's a nagging pain somewhere that pokes you and goes, "are you sure?"
I appreciate this so much. It definitely helps to talk!
I really had to vent this morning so everything sort of poured out of me. I went from thinking about my thyroid again to ovaries in a matter of seconds. Hope you're having a pain and panic free day or as much as possible. <3
littlemissworry.x
03-09-14, 20:58
I know excactly how you are feeling. I go from worrying about a brain tumour to cervical cancer in a minuite. HA is exausting and so so horrable. I joined this site last month and it has helped me alot everyone is going through the same thing so u dont feel silly and can say excactly how you are feeling x
Hi, Yes you are not alone, I have had this illness since 2003 and it is horrible. Being a member on this site has helped me a lot, even though i dont post much. Keep your chin up x
Thanks so much guys. I saw my psychologist yesterday and then a junior GP. My biggest issue is that I wake up every day and something new has manifested itself, my brain automatically tells me it has to be real if I'm now aching in my left side.
I want to trust that it's anxiety but am quite afraid to just in case something is going on. Seems like the cycle people talk about. My psychologist forwarded me a short booklet in HA that I'll attach somewhere for everyone once I get to my computer. I can't believe how rapidly this can come on. Thank you all for being so nice and helpful already. Xx
Where did normality go? :scared15:
*Fallen Angel*
04-09-14, 11:20
I don't normally post here (mainly cos I never many if any replies) but your post sounds just like me so you aren't alone!
I am having heartburn/reflux issues again after having pancreatitis and my gallbladder out in 2009. I've read the stones can come back and I'm convinced I have one stuck. Keep looking for jaundice in my eyes and skin which I know sounds mad. Before this I was convinced I had a thyroid prob (waiting to see an endocrinologist) and also had ovarian cancer. You are definitely not alone in how you think, I am the same!
Like you, my brain is constantly searching for the one thing that is 'going to be IT' and won't allow me to believe I'm healthy. I know what triggered mine off but I am having a hard time getting rid of the demon.
Hugs.
I don't normally post here (mainly cos I never many if any replies) but your post sounds just like me so you aren't alone!
I am having heartburn/reflux issues again after having pancreatitis and my gallbladder out in 2009. I've read the stones can come back and I'm convinced I have one stuck. Keep looking for jaundice in my eyes and skin which I know sounds mad. Before this I was convinced I had a thyroid prob (waiting to see an endocrinologist) and also had ovarian cancer. You are definitely not alone in how you think, I am the same!
Like you, my brain is constantly searching for the one thing that is 'going to be IT' and won't allow me to believe I'm healthy. I know what triggered mine off but I am having a hard time getting rid of the demon.
Hugs.
So many hugs right back to you. Pancreatitis was incredibly life altering, and the moment I'm wondering if I should maybe have gotten therapy after I had it back in the day because as soon as I got out of the hospital, I did what the docs told me before my gall bladder op and things seemed okay. I wouldn't wish that (or this!) on my biggest enemy.
It's so hard to think it's the brain doing all these things, even if a big part of you knows it could be. The symptoms are so real. Let me know now you go on with the endo x my doctor said my levels were normal but it didn't give me lots of peace of mind as he didn't give me the totals and I'm sure you'll have read all about that too! :hugs:
Edit: when I first started to have a twitch in my stomach, it was the pancreatitis coming back that I was the most scared of. I had a blood test and a nice doctor explained the levels to me and said it's definitely not that, saying that if it was pancreatitis again it would've been up in the thousands. That out my mind at rest a lot. Xx
miggymoggy
04-09-14, 12:15
Hiya you are sooo not alone.
I remember a couple of years ago after my Mum died I was a wreck with HA. Some weekends I'd just stay in bed all weekend convinced I was dying. I'd sit with my husband and say "I know I'm dying". I lost a stone and a half in weight due to worry, of course that made me worry even more, I was then convinced I had cancer!
I ended up having a camera down my throat, a camera in my insides (up), went to A and E a few times convinced I was dying.
Eventually, I had CBT. Best thing ever - honestly!! I really didn't believe it could help but it does!
I've been great for 2 years although panicking a bit at mo due to my bp being elevated but I'm trying to use the techniques I learnt at CBT and rationalise it.
Good luck and you WILL get through this xxxxxxxxxx
Please PM if I can help in any way - we've all been there!
Thank you so much, miggy. :hugs: A couple of months ago my aunt who is very close to me actually did have bad things happen to her too and I didn't really take it in at the time but have recently been wondering if that was one if the triggers? It's so exhausting but I'm so so happy I'm not alone in this. Xx It's like you go from being not really aware of your health to everything being something and that..the doctors say that's what creates the aches and the pains and the tummy troubles. Wish I could tell my mind that. Looking in to talk therapy atm. Hope you have a panic free day!
Thank you so much. I never really used to fret about my health and the last month it's been all I've done, which leads to more worrying over the "fear of impending doom" dark shadow. I wouldn't wish any of it on my worst enemy!
HATE that 'fear of impending doom dark shadow.'
eastendlady
07-09-14, 09:15
Hi. Hope you are feeling stronger today
I had to respond to you as I am going through the exact same thing as you at the moment. Had an ultrasound scan all ok. Bloods ok. Have to have gastroscopy on Wednesday. Completely terrified
Had h pylori for which I took antibios. GP says could be gastritis. I am hardly sleeping, eating is difficult. Only thing that helps is Lansoprazole
I have been advised to stop that before gastroscopy though so will stop tomorrow. Mornings are horrendous so anxious. I am a lot older than you. Worrying about my age and that I could have something nasty. It's horrible isn't it? Going around in circles. I hope you are feeling better today and that it is ok to share with you? x
Hiya there east. I had a bit of a rotten day yesterday. I keep catastrophising which sends me into a panic. Yesterday I had a stroke in the morning and then ALS towards the middle of the day (strangely enough, the twitches only came on AFTER id read about it) and then an ulcer at night.
The ulcer is making me wonder though. (But then so did Lyme disease and cancer so...) I get sore insides after I eat/when my food is digesting. And strangely again, that h pylori keeps cropping up and has since I started this. Can I ask (as rationally as possible!) how that was diagnosed?
Let me know how you get on on Wednesday. I'll help you get through until then if you need somebody. Hate that the days seem do long and hate even more looking forward to bed the whole time. Blegh. But yeah I hate waking up alone and having no one here even though I've spent the last ten years on my own. I feel like less than half a person.
Much love.
Hiya again guys, thought I'd just add a comment here instead of starting a new thread. Been a strange few days. I decided on Tuesday to try and take a rational approach as best I could. For a couple of days I felt, dare I say, okay. I still had my aches and globus but they were very much less than they had been. I suppose I shouldn't have fallen back into the trap of thinking I had it and was on the right track as yesterday afternoon, the globus came back big time. I went to the dr with a rational mind the other day and explained to him (inspired by cpe's post) that I believe I'm tackling anxiety and I'm trying to learn to trust the doctors so if he could just do a quick check for me and explain a few things, I might feel better. He gave me some gel for my neck and shoulder because he thinks it's sprained and it does make sense since I had niggles when I used to carry my guitar across town and maybe the anxiety amplified it? Anyway so that was okay but then afternoon came and I completely plummeted. I set myself up good and proper by panicking thinking I was going into allergic shock after eating cashew nuts. Which I was doing at the time. It only got worse from there as either the gel or the worry (or both) started my shoulder and neck off again. Woke up this morning quite saddened and low. Had a bit of a cry just now (by bit I do mean lots of shots and my throat feeling even tighter thanks to..everything) over feeling my neck so now I think lymphoma. Or my brain thinks so. I dunno guys, i was so ready to fight this anxiety head on (and still am) but the physical symptoms that leave me feeling sick are so deceptive. Just needed to vent my woes somewhere.
Ok, so here is what I think. The more you agonise over this the worse it becomes.
You have been to the doctor and they seem remarkably unconcerned don't they? For most people that would be the end of it and they would move on. The HA brain doesn't allow us to though.
Try this for a while. Try and notice when an intrusive and negative thought pops into your head. Consciously acknowledge it, tell it to piss off and then think distract yourself with something else. Do it every time.
Anxiety will only thrive if you feed it with attention. When you don't then it moves on. I would bet that the majority of your fluctuating symptoms will also start to diminish if you can deal with the intrusive thoughts and anxiety.
Thanks a lot, again! The more I was sort of ignoring the aches and whatnot, I thought I was getting on top of it by telling it to go to hell. Think I need to digest the fact that it's not going to go away without a fight and it won't be overnight, it's so silly cos I thought I had that established already. As soon as I reacted with panic, the flare up got worse. I'm putting my boxing gloves back on tomorrow. :)
It is a fight Which gets easier as you go. The stronger I got the more I got out of the fight. Sometimes I really needed the fight metaphor to deal with my dragon. It could go from verbal reasoning to a good hiding and sometimes I caught myself smugly grinning and muttering away to my dragon when I had won. I polish my hard shores every night just in case:winks:
That's the kind of attitude I hope to take on, absolutely. The other day I was ready to take on everything. Dragon, trolls, push it aside and do what I want. Tomorrow is always another day right? One blip doesn't mean the badness has won, it just feels threatened! :shades:
Hi wnsos.... Oh so liked reading your thread... I can relate well! Suffer from health anxiety and terrified everything will be passed off as anxiety and they will miss something serious! Crazy.... Just had a panic attack a wee while ago and saw your green 'online' light on amd just needed to connect....
We can beat this! Big (((((hugs))))
Aw man I'm so sorry i missed this. Been having a strange afternoon and have been trying to avoid using the computer too much. How are you feeling now? :)
Adding to this thread again instead of starting anew and to avoid phoning anyone for reassurance - I'm plateauing.
I have an ultrasound scan on my neck/thyroid later today which my dr scheduled a month ago just for my piece of mind. It's worrying me! I also had to give a swab and urine test last Thursday because I had strange discharge (tmi) one day, but the results are yet to come back which has me sort of frantic. On top of this, I did the big no no yesterday after the stupid internet linked me to Lynda Bellingham's story and ended up reading so many c-word related articles. It's my own fault really and I'm aware of that but at the same time still quite scared cos bowel cancer was the second thing I was worried about when all this started.
Off to make lunch and walk the dog now, just needed a venting place! Hope everyone is having a relatively low anxiety day. (As hard as that is since shops are stocking for bloody Xmas already!)
As a foot note, last week it was (and it still goes back here) Lyme disease. Wish I could give myself a break from the obsessional thinking but I suppose that to do that, I need to do so actively. Done now.
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