xofeatherxo
05-09-14, 08:59
(This ended up being a lot longer than I expected ._.)
I really need to go to sleep, but of course I'm sitting here panicking instead.
Earlier I got this random stinging feeling on the underside of my left boob and when I looked there was this ugly, small, swollen vein, so I immediately started panicking and googling it (bad habit for sure, but I kind of just wanted to make sure it wasn't an immediate emergency... Sometimes I'll Google a symptom and if I don't see "SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY" in the first few results I'll just drop it until I can see my doctor) and went away from the situation feeling reassured, especially since the swelling went back down within 5 minutes and the pain stopped within 10.
But of course with health anxiety it's never over when you think it is. This all happened almost 12 hours ago and NOW I'm starting to worry about breast cancer. I have no lumps, no swelling or dimpling or puckering or redness or rash-- nothing. Just one isolated incident that went away after 10 minutes. But of course it's breast cancer. This is ridiculous. Interested in a list of cancers I've had lately? It's getting lengthy.
-Ovarian cancer was most recent. I'm so frustrated, I told myself that once I got past this I'd be free of worry at least for a little while. But now I have this and
-Breast cancer, after the incident today. :/
-Bladder cancer? Kind of ties in with the ovarian though, in regards to the UTI symptoms I'd been having (all gone now but I still kind of worry) so for sake of brevity we'll just call it "plumbing" cancers, pretty sure I have all of them
-Skin cancer, always. I have extremely pale skin and any little bit of sun I get shows.
-Leukemia. I have half a mind to blame my 5th grade teacher for my health anxiety, since leukemia's been a huge fear since we read "Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes" but I'm sure the tendency to worry has always been there.
-Brain cancer. I never used to get headaches but lately I get them a lot (funny how "lately" is around the same time my anxiety kicked into overdrive HMM WONDER WHY THAT IS)
And that's not even counting the non-cancer issues. Heart attacks, strokes, blood clots, aneurysms, etc. The biggest comfort is sitting back and looking at the huuuuuge list of times I've been wrong.
That night that I was so, so sure I would have a heart attack and be dead by morning? [B]Wrong.[B]
That summer I spent thinking I had esophageal cancer and would be dead by Christmas? [B]Wrong.[B]
The many times I've laid awake crying, thinking I had some horrific deadly disease? [B]Wrong, wrong, wrong.[B] I have never been correct in diagnosing myself with anything. Generally I can't stand being wrong but in these cases, I'll gladly admit my failings, and gladly continue to fail.
The logical thing to do is keep an eye on my boob and if it does any weird stuff again, go have someone professional poke at it. In the meantime I'm not doing myself any favors by losing sleep so I really should try my hardest to sleep. I just can't seem to convince my brain to shut up-- I already know the symptoms and what to look for, Brain, you can stop going over them now. Shhh.
I really need to go to sleep, but of course I'm sitting here panicking instead.
Earlier I got this random stinging feeling on the underside of my left boob and when I looked there was this ugly, small, swollen vein, so I immediately started panicking and googling it (bad habit for sure, but I kind of just wanted to make sure it wasn't an immediate emergency... Sometimes I'll Google a symptom and if I don't see "SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY" in the first few results I'll just drop it until I can see my doctor) and went away from the situation feeling reassured, especially since the swelling went back down within 5 minutes and the pain stopped within 10.
But of course with health anxiety it's never over when you think it is. This all happened almost 12 hours ago and NOW I'm starting to worry about breast cancer. I have no lumps, no swelling or dimpling or puckering or redness or rash-- nothing. Just one isolated incident that went away after 10 minutes. But of course it's breast cancer. This is ridiculous. Interested in a list of cancers I've had lately? It's getting lengthy.
-Ovarian cancer was most recent. I'm so frustrated, I told myself that once I got past this I'd be free of worry at least for a little while. But now I have this and
-Breast cancer, after the incident today. :/
-Bladder cancer? Kind of ties in with the ovarian though, in regards to the UTI symptoms I'd been having (all gone now but I still kind of worry) so for sake of brevity we'll just call it "plumbing" cancers, pretty sure I have all of them
-Skin cancer, always. I have extremely pale skin and any little bit of sun I get shows.
-Leukemia. I have half a mind to blame my 5th grade teacher for my health anxiety, since leukemia's been a huge fear since we read "Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes" but I'm sure the tendency to worry has always been there.
-Brain cancer. I never used to get headaches but lately I get them a lot (funny how "lately" is around the same time my anxiety kicked into overdrive HMM WONDER WHY THAT IS)
And that's not even counting the non-cancer issues. Heart attacks, strokes, blood clots, aneurysms, etc. The biggest comfort is sitting back and looking at the huuuuuge list of times I've been wrong.
That night that I was so, so sure I would have a heart attack and be dead by morning? [B]Wrong.[B]
That summer I spent thinking I had esophageal cancer and would be dead by Christmas? [B]Wrong.[B]
The many times I've laid awake crying, thinking I had some horrific deadly disease? [B]Wrong, wrong, wrong.[B] I have never been correct in diagnosing myself with anything. Generally I can't stand being wrong but in these cases, I'll gladly admit my failings, and gladly continue to fail.
The logical thing to do is keep an eye on my boob and if it does any weird stuff again, go have someone professional poke at it. In the meantime I'm not doing myself any favors by losing sleep so I really should try my hardest to sleep. I just can't seem to convince my brain to shut up-- I already know the symptoms and what to look for, Brain, you can stop going over them now. Shhh.