Dealing with insecurities and jealousy in relationships

[punkprincess19]

I've been with my husband 3 years (married for 1 year) and I'm constantly worrying he will cheat on me or is talking to other girls. I've been cheated on by boyfriends in the past and have always been a little insecure but I've gotten really bad now. Whenever his phone bleeps I ask who it is and I worry constantly that he might talk to other girls through Facebook. He has a child from a previous relationship and has to talk to her mom and that really upsets me because they are always texting each other. He's recently gone through ileostomy surgery and joined support sites for it and I now worry that he's talking to girls through that. He tells me he wouldn't hurt me and wants only me. How do I stop these stupid thoughts. My insecurities and paranoia are pushing him away.

Please help!

[punkprincess19]

Thanks. It's horrible being like this. I hate myself and the way I am. Everytime I ask who's texting him or where he's been I hate myself for asking it because I know I shouldn't. I just want to trust him and not worry. I'm so fed up of worrying and thinking stupid irrational thoughts!

[punkprincess19]

That's what I'm afraid of, that my husband will leave me because of it. I'm not seeing the doctor or on medication for it. I want to handle it myself. I had high intensity therapy for other things a few years ago but I didn't deal with insecurities and paranoia because I was fine with those back then so I don't really know how to fight these particular thoughts.

[Fishmanpa]

I've been there. Had several situations where there was infidelity. That hurts like hell and it's a legitimate fear. I suffered from the same thing in some subsequent relationships and it was detrimental to both parties. After having it happen to me, I was hyper aware of red flags and warning signs. Now? I'm re-married and I have absolutely no insecurity whatsoever and my wife is totally cool too.

Jealousy stems from insecurity and that's where the work needs to be done. What is it about yourself that makes you doubt your husband? Getting to the root of that would be the answer to alleviating the fears. I did some therapy and this was one of the things I worked on. It helped tremendously.

Positive thoughts

[harasgenster]

Thanks. It's horrible being like this. I hate myself and the way I am. Everytime I ask who's texting him or where he's been I hate myself for asking it because I know I shouldn't. I just want to trust him and not worry. I'm so fed up of worrying and thinking stupid irrational thoughts!

Hating yourself is DEFINITELY going to make this worse :) Have some compassion!

I think you need to work out exactly what this insecurity is about. Do you feel perhaps that you are not good enough for him? In which case you want to focus on your own self worth. Do you feel like if he left you would have nothing in your life? In which case you need to focus on filling up your life.

Your mind is misattributing your emotions on to your relationship because there's a need there, for some reason, to know he's staying around. In reality, you're perfectly ok without him anyway (which doesn't mean you don't want him around, you just don't want to need him around...that's not good for either of you).

The relationship is not your real need. Your real need will lie deeper in yourself - are you lonely? Do you feel not good enough? Are you bored with other aspects of your life? If you can work out what it is that is causing the emotion, you need to focus on and fix that.

And every time an anxious thought comes up about your relationship, pull your mind back to the real reason for the anxiety and focus on that to help you stop confusing your emotions about yourself with your emotions about your relationship.

[Rennie1989]

I was like this in the past and I found that I had to force myself to not ask for it to get better. Sure, I would get so anxious if said boyfriend had not replied to a text in a few hours, but 99% of the time it was because he was working, his phone had died or he was just too busy to reply.

Do you and your husband do anything? Do you both work? Do you go out on dates? I find that if you're not doing much it can cause your mind to fester over the idea, thus making you feel worse.

[punkprincess19]

Fishmanpa - I wish so bad I didn't have any insecurities. It's nothing that my husband is doing, it's all me. I don't want to be made a fool again like I have in past relationships. Before my husband and I became a couple I know that he did sleep with a lot of girls and that bothers me, I don't even know why, because any single person is entitled to sleep with whoever they want to.

Harasgenster - I know that I need to stop hating on myself but it's so hard when I'm constantly thinking all these stupid things. It's strange because I know he's lucky to have me, I'm nothing special like, but I do so much for him and I've made him a better person, his family and friends all tell me he's lucky to have me. He won't admit it though! Haha! I know I'm just fine without him, we actually ended up splitting up for a little bit at one point because he was drinking and being nasty with his words, I was pregnant at the time and couldn't handle it so I left, I got my own place and all the stuff I needed in it. I was fine without him so I know that's not something I fear. I do feel lonely though... I don't have many friends, I never really have to be honest. I have had trouble with trusting other girls, I've had a couple of friends that have slept with my boyfriends behind my back. You are totally right about confusing my emotions about myself with emotions about my relationship. I need to really try to remember that when I'm having stupid thoughts.

Rennie1989 - we both work full time and I also make bag covers for stoma patients as a side business which takes up a lot of time (few evenings a week), I have to look after the house, take care of our 1 year old son and I'm doing my childcare level 3 at college so a lot going on, which you would think wouldn't give me a chance to think silly thoughts! Lol! I do make time to do stuff with my husband though and go on a date night at least once a month and every weekend we always do stuff as a family (my husband has a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship) like days out, bike rides, trips to the park etc. Everything as a whole is really good, so why do I ruin things by being so insecure?! I can see that I'm being silly yet I still think the thoughts every time his phone bleeps or he's late home from the gym! Drives me crazy :(

[Charlotteee89]

I'm massively insecure with my boyfriend! I'm constantly worrying that he's going to dump me. :wacko:

I think I'm just one of those females (or people, I dunno) who like a bit of reassurance every so often, like I'm pretty open and flirty with him but he's more laid-back with me, I think that's more his personality though, he was a nervous wreck when we first started dating and then when we made it official and he was also very open about how he felt about me and our situation, but now as he's relaxed about us he's gone into being more laid-back and content and so doesn't really talk about his feelings anymore. I can't go a day without speaking to him but yet he seems to be able too - I don't like it. :weep:

My anxiety makes me over-analyze things anyway. I'm constantly telling myself to 'test him' which is stupid but my insecurities (anxiety driven I think) are over-shadowing everything. I suppose I should just ask him how he feels about us and me, but I don't want to come across as needy etc. :doh:

Well... We've had our first domestic in relation to this ^^^ Oh my. He clearly doesn't 'get' what I'm trying to say. Ugh.

[pebble123]

I'm massively insecure with my boyfriend! I'm constantly worrying that he's going to dump me. :wacko:

I think I'm just one of those females (or people, I dunno) who like a bit of reassurance every so often, like I'm pretty open and flirty with him but he's more laid-back with me, I think that's more his personality though, he was a nervous wreck when we first started dating and then when we made it official and he was also very open about how he felt about me and our situation, but now as he's relaxed about us he's gone into being more laid-back and content and so doesn't really talk about his feelings anymore. I can't go a day without speaking to him but yet he seems to be able too - I don't like it. :weep:

My anxiety makes me over-analyze things anyway. I'm constantly telling myself to 'test him' which is stupid but my insecurities (anxiety driven I think) are over-shadowing everything. I suppose I should just ask him how he feels about us and me, but I don't want to come across as needy etc. :doh:

God, this sounds exactly like me! I almost feel I am counting down the days and waiting for the moment when my boyfriend ends it, but in reality I know it's all in my head and just my anxiety! My boyfriend is super chilled, whereas I do like reassurance but never let that be known as we have quite a cool relationship and I don't like to come across needy! I can completely relate to the 'testing him' thing. Sometimes it is like I want to punish him because I think he is not being the perfect boyfriend and I want him to make more of a fuss of me and shower me with love, but then ultimately it's just me who is thinking too much about it all and I just have to remind myself when he does nice things it's his way of showing that he loves me and he wouldn't be with me otherwise - which is probably the same with your boyfriend!

[punkprincess19]

Charlotteee89, my husband was very affectionate when we first got together and would always give me cuddles, told me he loved me every day but now he's gone really laid back and relaxed and I assumed this was because he no longer felt that way about me anymore but maybe it's just a man thing, he knows he's got me and I'm here to stay so he probably doesn't feel like he needs to show me much affection etc. I know he still loves me but like you, I need reassurance but don't want to come across as really needy so I don't say anything. Maybe we just need to be more relaxed about things too :) xx

[Charlotteee89]

God, this sounds exactly like me! I almost feel I am counting down the days and waiting for the moment when my boyfriend ends it, but in reality I know it's all in my head and just my anxiety! My boyfriend is super chilled, whereas I do like reassurance but never let that be known as we have quite a cool relationship and I don't like to come across needy! I can completely relate to the 'testing him' thing. Sometimes it is like I want to punish him because I think he is not being the perfect boyfriend and I want him to make more of a fuss of me and shower me with love, but then ultimately it's just me who is thinking too much about it all and I just have to remind myself when he does nice things it's his way of showing that he loves me and he wouldn't be with me otherwise - which is probably the same with your boyfriend!


Charlotteee89, my husband was very affectionate when we first got together and would always give me cuddles, told me he loved me every day but now he's gone really laid back and relaxed and I assumed this was because he no longer felt that way about me anymore but maybe it's just a man thing, he knows he's got me and I'm here to stay so he probably doesn't feel like he needs to show me much affection etc. I know he still loves me but like you, I need reassurance but don't want to come across as really needy so I don't say anything. Maybe we just need to be more relaxed about things too :) xx


At least I'm not the only one! :winks:

"...but maybe it's just a man thing, he knows he's got me and I'm here to stay so he probably doesn't feel like he needs to show me much affection etc..." I think this is exactly it with my boyfriend! He's got me now so he's happy and relaxed.

My boyfriend does show me he cares about me in not-so-obvious ways, I think I just like to be told I'm cared about, some reassurance?

In relation to our little (text) domestic, it hasn't been resolved and he hasn't replied back to my text or talked to me since the early hours of this morning when he must've fell asleep. I was reluctant to say what was wrong initially and just said "Ah, nothing major, just little things are bothering me..." but he insisted I tell him as "I would've thought you could talk to me about anything, and if you don't these little things are going to get bigger and you'll start resenting me and I'll be none the wiser.." which in itself shows me he clearly likes and cares about me. I basically told him that I just missed him and wished we could see and talk to each other all the time (not literally) and he got defensive and said that we can't as we both work awkward shifts and it's good to do our own thing and have space and that he feels if he texts me all the time that I might think it's 'pesty'. I got even more defensive and said that, I know we can't see and talk to each other all the time and he asked where to go from here, and asked if I just want him to text me more and I got more defensive and basically had a go at him and said "Why don't you anyway? It's not exactly a bad thing knowing that someone is thinking about you and wants to talk to you... And I'd never think of you as a 'pest." He got defensive and said that I'm his first proper relationship and girlfriend and he's unsure of what's normal and that again he would want some space and would've thought I did too and he doesn't want to bug me all the time and that he's not a big texter anyways. I again, got defensive and said "You're clearly not getting the point, it's not about space etc, you're making me feel like a right needy, clingy girlfriend which I'm definitely not trying to be..." and he didn't reply to that as I assume he fell asleep. :weep:

I was so irritated and moody yesterday so it all came out wrong, I was feeling down as we hadn't talked properly for 2 days and didn't know if there's a reason for that... I should've made that clear, rather than made it seem all about the texting. :doh: Oh dear.

[punkprincess19]

Aww charlotteee89, I hope you have managed to sort things out with him. Please don't fall out over things. Men obviously are laid back compared to us and they don't need affection and reassurance and have the need to see is every day, it's just the way they are but it doesn't mean they don't love us or love us any less than we love them xx

[Charlotteee89]

Well.... We have just broken up. :weep:

He's been a mess for the last 2 days as he's been thinking for about a week that he's just not ready for a relationship but doesn't know why but it's nothing to do with me. :weep: Typical, I get involved with a younger guy and this is what happens! But we're gonna stay friends and still talk etc. He looked so upset when we spoke I just wanted to cry. :weep:

I'm trying so hard to not cry right now too. :weep: