Bate_Palmas
07-09-14, 07:11
Hi there
I don't know if you can help. I've found this website a source of comfort ever since I had my first panic attack five years ago.
Since then I've stopped being able to drive a car (mostly because I moved to London where you don't need to anyway) can't sit still in a cinema or any space where I have to sit still, have developed a new fear of heights, and I sometimes have trouble in meetings. Though admittedly I've had the work problem
Under control for about two years. None of this was ever a problem before, not even a bit.
Last year I became obsessed with having a heart attack. This despite cycling to and from work every day, doing gym every day and yoga almost every night. I'm a vegan, I smoke sometimes and I drink a little but certainly not excessively.
I was pretty scared for a while but evernty had it tested and I was fine. Forgot about it. Moved on.
Meanwhile, my lower back had been giving me trouble for some time. Adapted my cycling style and all was starting to get better. Then I had an accident this July, which left me with a badly damaged shoulder and wrist. So I couldn't do anything for a while.
Four weeks ago, I started up my exercise routine again: cycle to gym, do gym, cycle home from work, do yoga.
About three weeks ago my wife went away for the week, and I had a massive week of drinking and partying. I didn't do anything naughty like cheat on her or anything. And I kept my exercise routine up, surprisingly.
After that week I was walking home with a bunch of heavy bags, and my lower back was killing me again. I went home to stretch it out. And that's when I noticed a lump in my groin.
My first thought was that it was a hernia. I lived with that thought for a while. That wasn't pleasant, although whilst waiting to see my gp I stupidly googled the hell out of my symptoms. I concluded it may be appendicitis, and started sending loads of messages to my friend who is a doctor, asking for reassurance.
Anyway, I saw my gp who referred me for an ultrasound. After a few days of waiting for an appointment I called her back and she said "oh your scan is in three weeks". I freaked out! I immediately got private health care through my company and organised for an ultrasound that night!
The ultrasound doctor, who at first wasn't even aware that a patient was waiting for him, could give no conclusion other than "it looks like lymph nodes, not hernia". Lymph nodes? And then I asked him what had truly been plaguing me: "could it be lymphoma?"
"I don't think so." He said, "there are no blood vessels and everything looks completely benign. It's probably lymph nodes that are swollen, but we need to know why. I'm referring you for an MRI."
Well that was a mix of relief and sheer panic! Doesn't seem like cancer? The. Why the hell are you sending me for an MRI then, you masochistic *******? Of course, I never said any of this.
MRI. Not once did I ever think I'd need an mRI. I'm the healthiest person I know. And MRI means they suspect cancer, right??? Why was this guy not telling me the truth?? Why's he so mysterious? Does be just want to make money? Am I going to be able to get through an MRI without having a panic attack? Oh my god! And "biopsy if need be"????? Please have mercy!!!
I immediately sent tons of messages to my doctor friend. He said "doesn't sound anything like cancer. Stop panicking. How can I not panic? It's an mRI! Yes, they just want to see more.
Okay then. My gp got in touch the next day to tell me she was referring me for an MRI, and I could go private if I wanted but she suggested I go on nhs because its one of the best hospitals (Royal National in Stamford, othopeadic section). I panicked again and made an appointment to see her face to face the next day. Went and saw a different GP.
I told this new GP I was panicking and had spent a few nights in tears. "It's cancer, I just know it. Lymph nodes are common and cancerous lymph nodes are not. But that's just my luck." She read the ultrasound report saying "look it could be cancer, but it sounds highly unlikely. This report says absolutely nothing about suspicion of cancer, they just want to rule out some lymph node disease. Personally I think they'll have to do a biopsy but your life is not going to change drastically."
Lymph node disease is fine. Cancer is not. And the biopsy thing again???? Isn't that ONLY when they suspect cancer? I was coming round to the MRI thing but a biopsy?? Oh my god!
That was a few days ago. Since then I've been frequently breaking down in tears, mostly when I look at my daughter and she smiles at me, or dances with me, or says "I love you daddy", and inside I'm thinking "honey, I'm not going to live much longer."
I've been having nightmares, my throat is constantly dry, I'm absolutely bombarding friends and family with questions about this stuff, my poor wife must be at her wits end with me. Thank god she loves me and our relationship is strong.
It's come to the point where I don't want to take any action for fear of what the doc might say. I'm really trying to reassure myself that it's not cancer (it sure doesnt sound like it) and that I do , in fact, suffer from health anxiety. I'd rather suffer from HA than cancer - that's for damn sure.
In fact, the day a registered professional says to me: "you do not have cancer, but I'm afraid our tests reveal you're a raging hypochondriac" I'm partying like 'twas 1999.
I've lost my appetite now. I've kinda stopped fiddling with the nodes, bough I stupidly did this morning, and then I felt pain the rest of the day. I honestly can't tell if its getting bigger or smaller, I can't tell if its hard or soft. I'm so sick wih worry its ridiculous. I cannot go on like this. I need help and I need it now. I can arrange for CBT but that's going to take weeks.
From the bottom of my heart I'm reaching out for a helping hand.
I wish everyone peace and love,
Grant
I don't know if you can help. I've found this website a source of comfort ever since I had my first panic attack five years ago.
Since then I've stopped being able to drive a car (mostly because I moved to London where you don't need to anyway) can't sit still in a cinema or any space where I have to sit still, have developed a new fear of heights, and I sometimes have trouble in meetings. Though admittedly I've had the work problem
Under control for about two years. None of this was ever a problem before, not even a bit.
Last year I became obsessed with having a heart attack. This despite cycling to and from work every day, doing gym every day and yoga almost every night. I'm a vegan, I smoke sometimes and I drink a little but certainly not excessively.
I was pretty scared for a while but evernty had it tested and I was fine. Forgot about it. Moved on.
Meanwhile, my lower back had been giving me trouble for some time. Adapted my cycling style and all was starting to get better. Then I had an accident this July, which left me with a badly damaged shoulder and wrist. So I couldn't do anything for a while.
Four weeks ago, I started up my exercise routine again: cycle to gym, do gym, cycle home from work, do yoga.
About three weeks ago my wife went away for the week, and I had a massive week of drinking and partying. I didn't do anything naughty like cheat on her or anything. And I kept my exercise routine up, surprisingly.
After that week I was walking home with a bunch of heavy bags, and my lower back was killing me again. I went home to stretch it out. And that's when I noticed a lump in my groin.
My first thought was that it was a hernia. I lived with that thought for a while. That wasn't pleasant, although whilst waiting to see my gp I stupidly googled the hell out of my symptoms. I concluded it may be appendicitis, and started sending loads of messages to my friend who is a doctor, asking for reassurance.
Anyway, I saw my gp who referred me for an ultrasound. After a few days of waiting for an appointment I called her back and she said "oh your scan is in three weeks". I freaked out! I immediately got private health care through my company and organised for an ultrasound that night!
The ultrasound doctor, who at first wasn't even aware that a patient was waiting for him, could give no conclusion other than "it looks like lymph nodes, not hernia". Lymph nodes? And then I asked him what had truly been plaguing me: "could it be lymphoma?"
"I don't think so." He said, "there are no blood vessels and everything looks completely benign. It's probably lymph nodes that are swollen, but we need to know why. I'm referring you for an MRI."
Well that was a mix of relief and sheer panic! Doesn't seem like cancer? The. Why the hell are you sending me for an MRI then, you masochistic *******? Of course, I never said any of this.
MRI. Not once did I ever think I'd need an mRI. I'm the healthiest person I know. And MRI means they suspect cancer, right??? Why was this guy not telling me the truth?? Why's he so mysterious? Does be just want to make money? Am I going to be able to get through an MRI without having a panic attack? Oh my god! And "biopsy if need be"????? Please have mercy!!!
I immediately sent tons of messages to my doctor friend. He said "doesn't sound anything like cancer. Stop panicking. How can I not panic? It's an mRI! Yes, they just want to see more.
Okay then. My gp got in touch the next day to tell me she was referring me for an MRI, and I could go private if I wanted but she suggested I go on nhs because its one of the best hospitals (Royal National in Stamford, othopeadic section). I panicked again and made an appointment to see her face to face the next day. Went and saw a different GP.
I told this new GP I was panicking and had spent a few nights in tears. "It's cancer, I just know it. Lymph nodes are common and cancerous lymph nodes are not. But that's just my luck." She read the ultrasound report saying "look it could be cancer, but it sounds highly unlikely. This report says absolutely nothing about suspicion of cancer, they just want to rule out some lymph node disease. Personally I think they'll have to do a biopsy but your life is not going to change drastically."
Lymph node disease is fine. Cancer is not. And the biopsy thing again???? Isn't that ONLY when they suspect cancer? I was coming round to the MRI thing but a biopsy?? Oh my god!
That was a few days ago. Since then I've been frequently breaking down in tears, mostly when I look at my daughter and she smiles at me, or dances with me, or says "I love you daddy", and inside I'm thinking "honey, I'm not going to live much longer."
I've been having nightmares, my throat is constantly dry, I'm absolutely bombarding friends and family with questions about this stuff, my poor wife must be at her wits end with me. Thank god she loves me and our relationship is strong.
It's come to the point where I don't want to take any action for fear of what the doc might say. I'm really trying to reassure myself that it's not cancer (it sure doesnt sound like it) and that I do , in fact, suffer from health anxiety. I'd rather suffer from HA than cancer - that's for damn sure.
In fact, the day a registered professional says to me: "you do not have cancer, but I'm afraid our tests reveal you're a raging hypochondriac" I'm partying like 'twas 1999.
I've lost my appetite now. I've kinda stopped fiddling with the nodes, bough I stupidly did this morning, and then I felt pain the rest of the day. I honestly can't tell if its getting bigger or smaller, I can't tell if its hard or soft. I'm so sick wih worry its ridiculous. I cannot go on like this. I need help and I need it now. I can arrange for CBT but that's going to take weeks.
From the bottom of my heart I'm reaching out for a helping hand.
I wish everyone peace and love,
Grant