harasgenster
07-09-14, 21:55
I kind of considered myself to be 'recovered' last November, in that I stopped seeing myself as being ill and stopped taking medication. I'm glad I did that because it gave me a new perspective.
Over the 10 months since then things have been up and done and I had my biggest crash in many years during July/August, which I'm just coming out of. But I'm really, really glad it happened. I was forced to look inwards at my own sense of lack and through a process of massive overanalysis (really sorry if that's frustrating for everyone else) I finally got insight into what I needed to do and somehow at some point during that time my core beliefs about myself and the world just kind of changed. I feel like this was the breakdown to end all breakdowns.
Some of my (lifelong) beliefs were things like:
1) I'm incompatible with other people (I'm just different somehow)
I now believe that I am compatible with a lot of people and that the only reason this belief has persisted is because it has demotivated me from meeting new people and finding out it's not true. This belief has damaged my life a lot because I've been really lonely for the last seven years and now I believe I can change that through meeting other people instead of just assuming we won't have anything in common.
2) I can't do the things I want to do with my life because I'm not around the right people
I don't know why I believed this - at all - I thought I had to know people who wanted to, say, climb in order to go climbing and I had to know people who wanted to write in order to write with others, and I had to know people who wanted to travel in order to go travelling. I should have just done those things and met people there. That's what I'm doing now.
3) I should never turn someone down if they need help - I have to put other people's feeling first
I now realise that while it's nice I want to help others, I need to put some boundaries in place so that I can have some fun as well.
4) I should never let anyone down
It's good not to let anyone down as much as possible, but there will be occasions where I need to look after my health. For instance, if I need time off work to sort my health out, I should do that - it's better for me and my employer
5) If it's not perfect, it's not good enough
Nothing is going to be perfect anyway and the more I hold myself back with trying to achieve perfection, the longer it will be before I achieve anything.
I guess things like CBT are about telling yourself these thoughts, but in the past my problem was that I could rationalise, but never really believe those rationalisations. Now I actually believe them and I'm ready to act. It's taken me a while, but I made a lot of progress while I was at it.
I feel, for the first time in eight years (when I had my last 'up' and things started to change for me) that I'm ready now to get on with my life and to live in a different way than I ever have before. I feel absolutely changed by my recent experiences with my family, with my friends, with dating, and with myself and the lessons I've learned through all those experiences I've had since November. They've been hard lessons in some cases and I've had to face the 'abyss' of my life (in that my life was very empty and it was very painful to face that and the gaping 'need' that was there), but it was all a million times worth it.
I'm going to take a break from the internet and forums in order to focus entirely on practical steps to help myself.
I just want to say thank you to everybody who has offered me support over the years - and for these last couple of months my particular thanks goes to Oosh, who has been incredibly patient with me. The last couple of posts were ostensibly about dating, but it was through those experiences that I was forced to look inwards and work out 'why' I felt such a huge need, and why I was unable to forgive myself my mistakes, and it really became a catalyst for changing fundamental things about myself that are going to change a lot of areas of my life. (Dating itself can wait until I feel better. I'd rather share a happier me with another person).
I know I can be frustrating because I analyse so much, and because I ramble so much due to that overanalysis and my tendency towards obsessiveness (part of the anxiety...), so thank you all for putting up with me over however many years I've been here! At least I feel like I've come to the right conclusions.
So here's hoping I won't need to be back, but that if I am in the future it will be in the capacity of helping others with the things I've been through. If I get to a place where I feel I have the capacity to help others without my own anxiety being triggered then I would love to come back and give back to this forum as I have taken much from it.
Many thanks, also, to the admins who do a marvellous job here (and the new site is looking great too!)
Cheers all! See ya :D
Over the 10 months since then things have been up and done and I had my biggest crash in many years during July/August, which I'm just coming out of. But I'm really, really glad it happened. I was forced to look inwards at my own sense of lack and through a process of massive overanalysis (really sorry if that's frustrating for everyone else) I finally got insight into what I needed to do and somehow at some point during that time my core beliefs about myself and the world just kind of changed. I feel like this was the breakdown to end all breakdowns.
Some of my (lifelong) beliefs were things like:
1) I'm incompatible with other people (I'm just different somehow)
I now believe that I am compatible with a lot of people and that the only reason this belief has persisted is because it has demotivated me from meeting new people and finding out it's not true. This belief has damaged my life a lot because I've been really lonely for the last seven years and now I believe I can change that through meeting other people instead of just assuming we won't have anything in common.
2) I can't do the things I want to do with my life because I'm not around the right people
I don't know why I believed this - at all - I thought I had to know people who wanted to, say, climb in order to go climbing and I had to know people who wanted to write in order to write with others, and I had to know people who wanted to travel in order to go travelling. I should have just done those things and met people there. That's what I'm doing now.
3) I should never turn someone down if they need help - I have to put other people's feeling first
I now realise that while it's nice I want to help others, I need to put some boundaries in place so that I can have some fun as well.
4) I should never let anyone down
It's good not to let anyone down as much as possible, but there will be occasions where I need to look after my health. For instance, if I need time off work to sort my health out, I should do that - it's better for me and my employer
5) If it's not perfect, it's not good enough
Nothing is going to be perfect anyway and the more I hold myself back with trying to achieve perfection, the longer it will be before I achieve anything.
I guess things like CBT are about telling yourself these thoughts, but in the past my problem was that I could rationalise, but never really believe those rationalisations. Now I actually believe them and I'm ready to act. It's taken me a while, but I made a lot of progress while I was at it.
I feel, for the first time in eight years (when I had my last 'up' and things started to change for me) that I'm ready now to get on with my life and to live in a different way than I ever have before. I feel absolutely changed by my recent experiences with my family, with my friends, with dating, and with myself and the lessons I've learned through all those experiences I've had since November. They've been hard lessons in some cases and I've had to face the 'abyss' of my life (in that my life was very empty and it was very painful to face that and the gaping 'need' that was there), but it was all a million times worth it.
I'm going to take a break from the internet and forums in order to focus entirely on practical steps to help myself.
I just want to say thank you to everybody who has offered me support over the years - and for these last couple of months my particular thanks goes to Oosh, who has been incredibly patient with me. The last couple of posts were ostensibly about dating, but it was through those experiences that I was forced to look inwards and work out 'why' I felt such a huge need, and why I was unable to forgive myself my mistakes, and it really became a catalyst for changing fundamental things about myself that are going to change a lot of areas of my life. (Dating itself can wait until I feel better. I'd rather share a happier me with another person).
I know I can be frustrating because I analyse so much, and because I ramble so much due to that overanalysis and my tendency towards obsessiveness (part of the anxiety...), so thank you all for putting up with me over however many years I've been here! At least I feel like I've come to the right conclusions.
So here's hoping I won't need to be back, but that if I am in the future it will be in the capacity of helping others with the things I've been through. If I get to a place where I feel I have the capacity to help others without my own anxiety being triggered then I would love to come back and give back to this forum as I have taken much from it.
Many thanks, also, to the admins who do a marvellous job here (and the new site is looking great too!)
Cheers all! See ya :D