Simply can't focus! Too stressed

[lior]

So I'm sleep deprived and have demands of me coming from all angles.

- Meant to do 8 hours work for one client - started at 10am so that's not going to happen
- Got an interview at 5.30
- Sponsors meeting at 7.30
- need to give a quote for sponsors before 6pm really
- and I'm meant to see my friend from NY at 8.30
- I'm also sleep deprived and worked through the weekend
- I'm depressed and I'm having some harmful thoughts
- there are ongoing family problems I've been forced to confront and it's made me very unhappy
- my aunt is going to die and I don't have the headspace to understand that

It's impossible to prepare thoroughly for my interview with this client work.
It's impossible to give a quote for sponsors with this client work.
I have to do this client work to earn money. The other stuff is not earning me money. And I don't want to let my client down.

I'm thinking I might need to tell her about being depressed. I can't focus and I'm freaking out as I get urgent scary emails through about the other stuff I have to do.

I'm easily overwhelmed. I'm seriously overwhelmed right now. What can I do to calm down?

[Sunflower2]

Prioritise what you need to do and what you should do. You friend could wait? Or could she come to yours instead so you can just chill out in the evening? Could you reschedule the sponsors meeting? If it's not time or money critical then that shouldn't be too bad.

Get the clients work done, reschedule the rest. That's my thoughts anyway!

Oh and take a coffee break and get some chocolate! Don't work non stop because you will burn out and your productivity will go down. Good luck I'm sure you'll manage!!

---------- Post added at 13:11 ---------- Previous post was at 13:10 ----------

Oh and today I had an interview in the city and was going in from work which is an hour drive. I avoid dual carriageways because they make me panic. I got lost on the way an had to cancel!! Oops! But life goes on even if you have to change plans :)

[lior]

It's all time critical, that's the problem. All of it.

I feel so bad about having to make other phone calls during client time so I'm going to charge her for less time. It's not fair on her and it feels deceptive if I don't do that. Maybe I'm too honest for my own good.

I made those phone calls, wrote a couple of emails and I jotted down some questions for my interview so I feel a bit better about things. That involved sacrificing some paid working time but I think it's worth it to be a little bit more calm and focused.

What was your interview for Kimberley? Can you reschedule?

You're really good at responding to posts, I'm sorry I keep creating new threads... I feel like it's best to separate out the problems, one line of issues per thread, as much as possible, to keep it simple for other people.

[Sunflower2]

Glad you've got some calm. Honesty is never a bad thing people will remember you for it ! That and that you work really hard despite everything else going in!

It was for a faculty officer for the design and technology. Fancy name for the person who deals with the issues students have with the department. Hopefully can reschedule it but I'm not overly too bothered about it as don't really have the time for it on top of everything else.

Aww thanks, I find helping others is good for me to stop thinking of my own problems in a negative way! Also I feel I can relate to you in similar ways, we seem to have similar problems at the moment! It's probably a better way than me just constantly updating the same thread on my life story haha!

[lior]

I'm a designer! What do you do? Are you in Scotland? What else are you doing that the job would be on top of?

I'm even more calm now because I managed to get the quote sent off... but also sort of waiting with baited breath about whether they will definitely foot the bill or not. I can't afford the £660 the event would cost. That's like £15 per person.

My interview went alright, but again, it's going to be a case of whether I fit in to the secret unexpressed things they are hoping for.

Actually I'm honest about my weaknesses and most people don't like that. I think I'm angling for junior jobs really - I'm not ready for the more senior roles I end up interviewing for. I want to be trained! I also want somewhere where I can be open and honest and not have to speak in a dead professional way 100% of the time. I want to feel free and not bound by cold expressions. I wish I could find somewhere where I can be like that, and get to use my skills, and get paid.

[Sunflower2]

Ah that's really cool I always wanted to be a designer. What type of designer? I'm currently working/training as a project engineer, and yeah up in the north of Scotland in the sunny north east! On top of the role I applied for, I'm also going to uni 3 days a week, working 2 days an I live an hour commute from uni. But the course I'm doing isn't usually too much work so we shall see.

I know what you mean about the fit you need to match. It's always very subjective in creative industries. Good luck with the result of the interview, and if not eventually you'll find a good fit somewhere. Have you been out of uni for long?

[lior]

Sounds like you are super busy! What does a project engineer do?

I'm a service designer but I can do graphics, and I can make stuff like books and jewellery, and I used to make furniture. I'm 2 years out of uni and I'm 25.

[Sunflower2]

I do like to keep busy, otherwise my mind gets preoccupied with anxiety and self destructing. A project engineer (in the oil industry anyway!) manages projects from start to finish and oversees that everything is done correctly and to time and budget. My company makes hydraulic equipment for offshore, so right now I'm in charge of building some equipment for rental. It sounds very fancy but I'm still learning how to do most of the stuff haha! I should technically be finished uni, I did architecture but stopped after 3 years to get my bsc degree and switched to another course so going into my last year! And I'm only 22 so plenty variety in a short time! I think I'm finally finding what I want to do in life so maybe that will make my anxiety calm down a bit...

When do you find out about the interview and sponsors?

[lior]

Having another awful day. Yesterday was the same. I just can't focus on this work.

I blank out and stare into the middle distance. I worry about the other work I have to do.

When I was 20 I changed courses as well. I felt like I knew what I was doing too. It's like that - bouts of knowing what you're doing, followed by bouts of doubt, followed by knowing what you're doing again. Absolute certainty followed by self doubt. And vice versa. That's what it's like for me.

Interview - I don't know. Sponsors - hopefully soon because time is running out and I feel sick...

[lior]

I'm having this problem again. It's not quite work stress though. Today I confronted myself with the fact my aunt is going to die. I cried and now I'm in a sad slump. Finding it hard to focus. Not sure how to deal with the situation. What do you say to someone with terminal cancer, when you don't even live in the same country as them, when you aren't speaking to members of your family that you normally see them with? It's terribly sad, she doesn't deserve the terrible hand she's be dealt, and it's socially awkward to top it off.

Can't concentrate on the relatively unimportant task of writing a newsletter.

What can I say to my aunt before she dies?

[lior]

Not doing all that well today either. But I have got a full week of work done this week. And I have socialised.

Struggling to get up and do other stuff.

[Sunflower2]

Hang in there lior! I've also been really busy with work but struggling to do other stuff. I think we tend to only cope with one part of our lives at a time! It's good you got out socialising though, better than me

[Carnation]

Hi Lior, I'm in a similar position to you because a Friend of mine is also dying of terminal cancer. I was really worried when I saw her, that I just didn't know what to say. In fact she did the talking and it was just normal conversation and when I left I felt she didn't want me to pity her or smother her. Just giving the time to have a normal conversation seemed to be enough. I was more worried than her. She had accepted it and I was freaking out about it. Sometimes you only have to say Hi. :)

[lior]

Haven't been able to deal with my aunt.

Not been a good week. Got to drag myself to CBT today. Haven't been motivated to do all the exercises. I've taken a step back from where I was a couple of weeks ago. Quite disappointing, I thought I was doing better but perhaps I'm not.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thats ok Lior, your therapist will understand when you explain the environmental pressures that you are experiencing. Its their job to adapt to a clients changing needs.

I often found as I progressed that I couldn't achieve my goals from one session to next so we agreed to change them to a month gap to allow for this. It was surprising how fast that month went!

[lior]

I've only got two more sessions with her though... the last session was a bit fraught because of semantics - I found it difficult to engage with and to think about anyway. I left the session crying... I'm kind of scared to go back. What will happen?

Really struggling to get up and have breakfast. I'm 45 mins late for starting work which is allowed, just means I'll have to make up the time later... I don't feel motivated. I'd prefer to stay here and sleep. So so much.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Try to think that something positive could come out of the session and follow through with it. Determine what you want to discuss to maximum the time you have and if you can't achieve this goal right now, what else can you do, can you do it later or after the CBT. CBT is kind of the start sometimes, you learn from it and keep applying it after you finish.

Are you on one of the short courses or something because I thought you had only just started? Is this Level 2 or Level 3? Sounds like a Level 2 style therapy so perhaps there is the longer option of High Intensity Therapy in the form of CBT at Level 3 to come afterwards?

[lior]

I've got no idea what any of those levels are... I didn't know there were levels. I've had three sessions and I missed one because I was ill. I've been told I have 6 weeks then an assessment.

I don't know what I should discuss, everything is messy... maybe my aunt dying? Or coping with romantic rejections? My friend asked me what I'd do for Christmas if I haven't made up with my family by then... there are too many options of things to discuss! Feel a bit overwhelmed about thinking about what the worst thing might be - sometimes it's easier to fixate on the easier things to think about.

Last time I got freaked out thinking that being depressed is an integral part of my identity. Being a well-being superhero The Optimist is part of my professional identity, so I feel a bit ironic - putting up a front. I'm not hypocritical because either way well-being is important... but am I a positive person or am I a negative person? Am I an optimist or a pessimist? Does depression define me? I thought holding well-being as important was a defining value of mine and that has remained constant... but I haven't been able to change things for myself very easily. Given my start in life, surely things would come more easily than they actually have? I've had so many opportunities which I am grateful for - what am I doing wrong? Am I wasting things? What am I not seeing? I know that my parents did everything they could to help me become a happy, fulfilled adult - it's not fair on them, or me, that it hasn't turned out that way.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I've had a good start with a loving family Lior and they are still with me. I tend to have ruminations about what is missing in my life? What have I achieved? What do I want to achieve before time runs out?, etc. I'm a bit older than you so many of mine come from the fact people of my age tend to have families of their own and my time is running out for that. I think part of this is acceptance because if time has passed, there is not much we can do about it but there is another part of me that wants to audit my life and see where I want to go. For me, these types of thoughts started occurring as I lost my social connections due to my initial GAD phase and from feeling completely unfulfilled in anything but the temporary.

In terms of your therapy, if you pick anything too large to achieve its likely to not progress very far. Don't try to run too fast right now, let it build it speed from slower & smaller goals that get you to the main goal later on. As long as you get there, the time is irrelevent. I found my CBT was never going to resolve all my issues but CBT is a course of learning and you just keep going once you finish. You can do that, look how you come up with all those ways to resolve your issues at work! So, you can easily plan out ways to keep the momentum going, you just need that therapist to guide you and explain things until you grasp them enough to push forward on your own.

Here is the NICE stepped care model:

http://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg113/chapter/1-guidance

I had Level 2 first which was an initial consultation followed by 4-5 20-30 minute telephone sessions. Then I had Level 3 which was 12-15 one-to-one 45-60 minute sessions of High Intensity CBT. So, I'm wondering if you are on a Level 2 and if so, you may next be put in the queue for Level 3 which will be much longer (mine was over a year with follow ups).

[lior]

I'm not sure if the CBT I'm on is operating the same model... I had one phone assessment then 8 weeks later I started a course of 6 weekly 60 minute sessions. I don't know if it's high intensity or not. It feels pretty intense! I've just been contracted to do another 4 sessions plus two follow up sessions at one month and three months.

We talked about ruminating at the last session so I understand it a little better now. I can imagine that what you're going through isn't nice either. I guess as a man the options for having a family later on are quite different from the options for women.

My largest challenge at the moment is going to bed by 11pm every day. So far I've made it to 11.15pm! But it takes longer to go to sleep... it's ridiculous how hard it is to change something small. Concentrating for three hours on work in the evening, as I said to my therapist I would try to do, is literally impossible. I'd rather lose the money than be tortured. Thankfully I have the choice as a freelancer :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think its similiar but different, whether I have kids is dictated by a partner and if she is my age, then she is in the same boat.

I know exactly what you mean Lior, sleep pattern issues are a big problem for me. I really struggle to adjust them because I just drift straight back into my bad habits. How have you be doing yours?

It sounds more like you are Level 3 but had one of the smaller courses. The follow ups were non existent as far as I saw on Level 2.

[lior]

I've started this week. It's been good to have a bit more sleep and still get up on time, but I still feel like I achieve less. Going to bed in the evening is a flexible time for me normally, so I get done whatever I want to. Now there is a set amount of time to achieve stuff during the day, so I feel like there is less time. I've been aiming for 11pm and getting there by 11.20ish which is still an improvement.

Currently I am finding it ultra difficult to care about myself and others. I'm not enjoying things as normal and I'm struggling to remember what it is I like about living. I wish I could remember - I remember what it felt like to be excited about life but I can't make myself feel like that at the moment. I don't believe in things I once believed in - such as, the meaning of life is to help others. If I can't feel empathy like I normally do, this concept doesn't work.

Your partner might not be the same age as you - also she might already have children of her own. Some people can make that work.