View Full Version : Being pushed around by my manager....
Hmmnnnnm well this week didnt really go "according to plan".
Get to work after a relaxing weekend, feeling full of beans.
I asked my manager "how are you" (she didnt feel well before the weekend). She says she still felt unwell... So I offered sympathy & suggested ways to help her feel better.
She then shouted my name & gesticulated I should go away.
I felt shocked especially as last week she was perfectly happy to accept my offer of "tea & sympathy". She's a Jekyll & Hyde. Unpredictable. I just didnt see this coming. When will I ever learn? Great start to the week.
Later she started creeping round me, asking about my weekend (She wouldn't normally & it felt very false). A simple apology would have been better. I do admit if someone hurts my feelings & keeps on being nasty I do struggle to warm towards them. I do wish I could stand up for myself.
Part way thro' Tuesday she wants me to do something but I'm unsure how, so asked for help but she launched into a rant (shouting across the office). I feel even less able to to my job...... as it happens I got most of it done & only got stuck on the last bit. At least she did help me with that.
Each time she's rude I want to respond but I freeze. Then all I want to do is run away & cry. I know that's a child like reaction but I struggle to shake it off.
Not so long back I was being assertive with my manager but there few weeks ago there was a mess up at work involving me & it hit my confidence.
My counsellor thinks my manager is deliberately provoking a fear reaction.... It isn't just me she does this to.
I really do need to say something though. Typically she was in a far better mood today & yesterday but tomorrow I'm going to mention that the way she speaks to me isn't helping me do my job. That is is really demotivating. If I don't say anything it's just going to keep happening.
I've no idea how it will go but if I don't say something I am not going to get this resolved.
Fingers crossed.
There's a saying; 'A Leopard never changes it's spots!).
These sort of people get you when you least expect it.
Two points here.
1. She does it because she knows she can get away with it.
2. This is her, not you. She has the problem and you unfortunately are on the receiving end.
You can't win with people like this. You never know when they are going to turn and the nicer you are, the more they seem to abuse you.
Go back to the strong Tessar, don't do any nice sweet things any more. Concentrate on you, your work and your Life. Don't make small chat, nothing comes from it.
Would you live with a person like this? Would you socialize with a person like this? NO, you wouldn't. Don't waste your time trying to please these sort of people, they only bring you tears; whatever age you are.
Tessar, I don't like the thought of you getting upset, you are a nice, kind and thoughtful person, please don't waste your time with her. If it happens again, just say; 'excuse me, please don't speak to me like that.' :hugs:
A lovely reply from Carnation :)
I was reading your post Tessar and thinking I am so like you and I would just hide away into my shell and let her upset me. I don't like you being hurt though so I want to come and give her what for!!!! Funny how we can do it easily for others but not ourselves. I think something in our past has maybe made us feel like we deserve to be treated that way so dare not do anything about it. You know what...we DON'T deserve to be treated that way. Carnation is right you are a lovely kind, thoughtful person and your manager has a huge chip on her shoulder, she has the problem not you!
MyNameIsTerry
12-09-14, 03:25
Something to consider Tessar is that every employee is bound by the terms of their contracts and that includes company policies regarding acceptable conduct.
It is not acceptable to shout at people. It is not acceptable to do it in front of your colleagues. It is not acceptable to take your moods out on people, although it can happen. This is very unprofessional behaviour.
It sounds like she was being attentive because she was feeling guilty over how she reacted. She should have pulled you aside and apologised. Some people struggle with admitting they are ever wrong or apologising for their mistakes but this is an important part of character for me.
However, she then did it again when you asked her for help. A manager cannot get shirty with people if they do not understand an element of their work - its part of the manager role to ensure you do!
I used to have a manager who was unapproacheable until Wednesdays when she would completely change and become a nice person. If I needed her before then, it would mean her taking out her anger on me for anything. This put me in a difficult position as I was in a position where I was higher than the team but lower than my manager so I needed to be able to report potential issues and work with her. I gave up in the end, but luckily I ended up being dragged into project work and then promoted so I had my own teams. At that point if she gave me any grief I could happily give it her back in as professional way as possible.
I think the best start is always asking for a chat and clearing the air. If she was open to discussing things with you before, its a good sign that she would be willing to do this again i.e. she isn't an elitist type who only sees other managers as able to speak with her.
If she doesn't like it or if you can't, you must have a complaints & disciplinary process to follow. Then she will have to justify her behaviour to her manager. Since she did it so publicly, there are winesses to her behaviour.
Do you have a history with the manager provoking you or trying to make you unwell e.g. bullying? If not, then I would think your counsellor is reading too much into it because if someone was rude to us, we wouldn't brand it a fear triggering exercise, we would see it as someone having a bad day or just being a rude person. The suggestion that she is trying to provoke a fear reaction deliberately would mean this is bullying and in that case, it should be reported for a gross misconduct hearing.
Yeh, I wouldn't take that. She's not allowed to behave like that.
Follow the correct procedures though for that kind of thing though. She's probably hoping/thinks you won't alert her to the fact she's not actually allowed to treat employees like that.
A slight hint that you have that thought in your head may make her think twice next time.
Know the correct procedure, know who to take the issue up with before the next incident.
If you as an employee have to stay in line so do they. He higher ups wouldn't like that she could be bringing potential problems into their workplace.
Hey Tessar,
As a manager myself, I'm mortified at this person's behaviour. This person clearly has their own set of problems and issues, but taking them out on you is not acceptable.
As other posters have said, the best way that you can take control of this situation is to speak to an HR representative and explain your concerns, or if you work in a place without one on-site, try to discuss it with that person's boss.
If they run the company, it can be very difficult, and one way in which you could consider being good to yourself, and improving the situation, is to look for another role. The one time I experienced serious, anxiety-inducing bullying and belittling was when I worked at a small company, and the bullly was one of the founders of the company. They weren't going to be leaving in a hurry, so I decided that I would, and I dedicated my time and energy to finding another job, rather than trying to please people who see their behaviour as some kind of quasi-Steve Jobs indication of their refusal to take the supposedly lower standards they see.
If you need any help with formulating a response, drop me a line on here, happy to help. Nobody should have to work in an environment dependent upon the moods of your boss. It's toxic, and unfair, and almost a form of tacit bullying.
Thanks,
Herman
Tessar, This is awful for you, It's like being in a classroom and you are the naughty child. I agree with what Terry has said. I think a private word is needed.
:hugs::hugs::hugs:hugs for you xx
Like Carnation says, moody people are a dead loss. You can't predict them, you can't win with them - they themselves don't give a sh*t about how their moods come across to others.
I used to have one manager who was nice a pie one minute and a complete bitch the next. One day you'd get cheery "good morning", the next you'd be ignored.
I gave up speaking to her unless she spoke to me and stayed polite but never friendly.
Don't play her game.
I think it's really tough in the workplace for anxious/highly-sensitive people. Some people are really emotionally invested in their job, too much so at times, and don't realise (or care in some cases) that the slightest raised eyebrow or funny look can actively ruin someone's day.
---------- Post added at 16:12 ---------- Previous post was at 16:09 ----------
I used to have one manager who was nice a pie one minute and a complete bitch the next. One day you'd get cheery "good morning", the next you'd be ignored.
I gave up speaking to her unless she spoke to me and stayed polite but never friendly.
Don't play her game.
Very true, Brunette.
These people often have problems of their own - even though they may not know it yet.
Tessar - I'm so sorry you are having a rough time with this manager. I had an awful manager who was manipulative and had to leave that position. I wish I had been stronger. She made me so angry but I never said anything until I already had given my notice (and felt safer that way for some reason).
I really agree with Carnations "#2" point - This is her issue and you are just at the receiving end. It's hard to not take things personally, especially when she is in a position of authority. If she is feeling better and is more like her usual self, have a conversation with her. If you don't feel you can, find Human Resources or whoever handles those issues in your company. You shouldn't be treated like that.
:hugs::hugs:
Gosh everybody..... I am quite overwhelmed with your replies.
So much seriously good advice and also you all really seem to get how this feels.
I feel really well supported & that is quite a relief.
I did want to say something to her today but I wasn't really feeling strong enough. She didnt mix it with me, in fact she was in a good mood.
I didn't feel great at times & even though i consider myself a stronger person (having had a horrible boss who contributed to putting me into deep depression) I so do understand how hard it is for people when they get anxious.i have read stories in here where people are being walked all over by bosses. I was reminding myself today that next week I will feel better. I am going to do something to sort this out, I have to.
I like my job & I don't want her to put me off it. But I am sick of her attitude.
So it's up to me to sort this out.
Actually I might mention something to our accounts director as he did our reviews this year (back in may) & I mentioned her attitude back then.
I was starting to think am I overreacting but I'm not, is has been going on quite a while on & off, Phew. I am knackered.
I do appreciate the replies & I will reply to you all in the next couple of days.....
Meanwhile it has to be time to relax eh? thank goodness it's the weekend.
I hope you all have a good one.
I thought it was high time I put an update on here...... Well, I haven't been shouted at recently, I have been working hard at reminding myself to stand my ground. I have been "ready" to bite back if I need to. I've got a note if what happened and when. Hoping (yeah right) it won't happen again but I believe it will.
That's why I am prepared.
She did make a slightly terse remark today and I was "ready" if it had escalated. I herd the words "please don't talk to me like an idiot" go through my mind and I am see I'd have used them if she had said any more. But this time she heard what I was saying and didnt push her luck!
Maybe vibes i am giving off at the moment are "don't mess with me"? Who knows.
But I did feel as if I could have equalled her today.
I am going to keep on reminding myself I can and I will stand up for myself,
At least right now I feel stronger than I did when I first posted.
I still owe people here some replies as well.
Hope u r all doing ok?
So busy at work, I know I have to stand up for myself, I think my manager knows she can't push her luck it's me. I am training a temp to do some stuff to cover for some people who are off long term. Perhaps my manager knows she needs me.
I am quite stressed because it is v.Busy but at least my managers attentions are elsewhere right now.
MyNameIsTerry
25-09-14, 03:39
Thats an important part of the relationship. It, sadly, can sometimes be a bit like when we were at school where you have the bullies and we all know that they only pick on those that they think won't fight them back.
So, by showing confidence and coming across as an equal, it changes your relationship and a bully like this starts to back off and look for an easier target.
See if that sorts it out. Good luck!
Hi Tessar, So glad you are feeling stronger at work. Sending you :hugs::hugs::hugs:
JUST HAD TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU.......
Something AMAZING happened today at work.....
Well actually several amazing things happened...
For starters I stood up to my manager several times and she must have noticed how forthright I was......
She was moody today as well. But I stood firm.
Before I left (an hour late) she suddenly said "thankyou for putting up with my stress today" (or something along those lines).
I was astounded.......
Unfortunately instead of saying thank you, I said "thats ok" but I don't think that mattered.
What matters is that she must have realised she was being over the top & wanted to redress the matter.
It felt like a small victory.... & a minor miracle!
I think your choice of words "that's ok" was good as it shows that you did notice she was stressing and you had to put up with it :)
Ah, thank you. I wondered if I should have said something else.....
But perhaps my response was ok after all......
No I think it was the right thing to say, she was thanking you...you didn't have to thank her for thanking you :)
Yes. That makes sense. It made me chuckle too.
Wow! That's a great improvement from a few months ago.
You are now more stronger, more confident and determined. :)
MyNameIsTerry
16-10-14, 02:52
Yeah, I agree with Annie. I think we sometimes think we should always be apologising but all you did was stand up for yourself because it was the right thing to do. You shouldn't need to apologise and your manager should realise that they should be apologising. Its good that she did and perhaps this will make her think about changing her attitude.
Do you think she gets like that because she struggles with the stress? Some people seem more prone to blurting things out when they are under pressure.
Oh, and, well done!!!
Wow! That's a great improvement from a few months ago.
You are now more stronger, more confident and determined. :)
Thanks carnation. My counsellor said that even though I have become more assertive & achieving increasingly difficult things.... I haven't adjusted how I see myself.
Well..... any time I hear someone pay me a genuine compliment (such as yours above) it helps me to readjust the picture I have of myself.
I was thinking today that only a few weeks ago I wasn't able to tolerate her stressy outburst without it making me tearful & feeling I need to run away.
Yesterday I really stood my ground. I hadn't anticipated her positive remark after work bit it was very welcome indeed.
---------- Post added at 20:09 ---------- Previous post was at 19:58 ----------
Yeah, I agree with Annie. I think we sometimes think we should always be apologising but all you did was stand up for yourself because it was the right thing to do. You shouldn't need to apologise and your manager should realise that they should be apologising. Its good that she did and perhaps this will make her think about changing her attitude.
Do you think she gets like that because she struggles with the stress? Some people seem more prone to blurting things out when they are under pressure.
Oh, and, well done!!!
Thank you Terry. It would be really good if she did change her attitude. It's quite sad really because when I first worked there (nearly 4 years ago) she was nowhere near as moody. She did have her moments but she could also be very humorous.
Actually today she made a very public admission of guilt as she found a file on her desk that I'd been searching for over the last few days. So this was another milestone in terms of my relationship with her.
I am sure you are right that she struggles with stress. I wouldn't want to do her job. in all honesty she does more or less run the place but also laps the kudos that comes with it. She is handsomely paid but then that perhaps is due compensation for the stress she has to cope with. But over the last few months, at times, her stress has boiled over.
I am encouraging close colleagues to also make a stand against her.
For me its about standing up for myself. Feeling entitled to do this. also managing not to get too emotional so I can remain objective. The more I achieve, the more I adjust my way of thinking towards realising it is ok to be assertive.
It's amazing how a lifetime of being pummelled into believing you aren't worth it makes it so hard to change your way of thinking. Even though I am I no doubt, logically, I am entitled to be assertive...... actually doing it is still somewhat alien to me.
But...... Practice makes perfect eh? Gotta keep at it.
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