no one will listen to my concerns about my son [Archive]

.Poppy.

12-09-14, 14:25

Do you have any early childhood screenings in your area? I know here in the US, we have child find screenings that many people take their children to and they assess to make sure your child is on track, particularly in speech and language. They can usually pick out suspected autism, not always, but usually as these children are often delayed in that area. The screenings are nice because you don't have to suspect a problem, it's just routine so if there is an issue (or the beginnings of one) it can be addressed sooner.

Not knowing your child, it's possible something is going on and it's also possible that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy - you're seeing what you think is there. Ultimately, your child will not go undiagnosed forever, as if he has serious problems his school will pick up on them pretty quickly once he gets there. Have you asked his doctor at any checkups? Again, they usually pick up on these things as well.

Leslie735

12-09-14, 14:31

Have you sat down with your husband and just had a heart to heart about your son? Maybe showing and talking to him how serious you are about this.

Mondie

12-09-14, 18:15

thanks. Have tried talking to my husband, but i get so upset and he says its my anxieties taking over.

we have his 2 year check anytime in the next 3 months or so but i don't think i can wait that long. I truly do not want there to be anything wrong, but its obvious to me that there is.

he has little or no eye contact, doesn't respond to his name, flaps his arms, lines up his toys...the list is never ending. I only know about these red flags from what I've read on the internet. It is for this precise reason that my husband wont believe me.

feel brokenhearted and truly alone

UKmamainUS

12-09-14, 19:12

Waiting a couple more months really won't harm your son at all. He is only just two, what you describe could be completely normal at his age - it's difficult to diagnose such a young child with autism.

fruity

12-09-14, 19:26

beware your anxietys don,t push your husband away. but then again your husband shoulbe understanding and take on board what your saying. listen if he don,t understand and don,t wanna know then deal with your son yourself. go have him checked

Mondie

12-09-14, 23:06

Thanks again girl the replies. I am genuinely confused as to what to do. Am I right? Is my husband right? I don't want to put my son through unnecessary appointments if it truly is me with the issue.

How do we as health anxiety sufferers make the call between genuinely caring for our children and being anxious and paranoid?

Nathan92

12-09-14, 23:20

home truths - they hurt.

my nephew has Asperges, diagnosed at the age of 3 I think, he would do the daftest of things, like sit infront of the tv and wave his arms up in the air almost as if he was having a fit and pull funny faces, (nothing like i've seen, and I've worked with some severely disabled kids) He'd also sit with toys and line them up in the straightest of lines and if you by pure unluckiness happened to knock one out of place the world would end. She took him to a paediatrician, only a blood test was done just to check to see if anything was out of order (maybe low iron or something) - iron was low but that was easily fixed. The paed said my opinion is he has asperges, I'll refer him to a specialist team and they can help you with it, and thats been it really, there hasn't been any prodding or poking, no needles (unless they wanted to check for any underlying issues which might cause it)...

end of the day a mother has an instinct, an instinct us men / non parents don't have. You can tell yourself weather you yourself suffer from a mental illness (I hate those 2 words, but clinically that's what anxiety is called.) Tell your hubby to (I apologise), grow some balls, just because you have anxiety doesn't mean you would needlessly put your child through pain to scratch the anxiety itch.

If he loved you, he would trust your maternal instinct and have your back all the way.

(if hes abusive/physical) you don't need that sort of crap from anyone and there are plenty of places to go for help in situations like that, mother and baby are #1

__________________________________________________ ________

In addition to what I just wrote, I didn't even read your post about your son lining up toys and flapping arms and no eye contact, everything I put in the post was what happened with my nephew and the diagnosis was aspergers... I can't even believe I was talking about it and you described the exact same things.

my nephew also didn't respond to his name or he did but rarely.

I'm not a medical professional (wish I was sometimes, to kick myself up the arse) - but I think from personal experience that if you get your son checked you'll find that he has asperges. (totally fine, just awkward sometimes socially, hes 5 now, started in year 1 at school, likes his own group of friends, but can be in his own bubble sometimes, I call it a character trait, wouldn't be him without it)

Also (additional to this, I know your main concern is diagnosis / checking, but if what your saying is right and I think it is what it is, theres loads of places out there to get grants for him, (I say this as support), places like family fund / local authority, you can get things like iPads for him / learning stuff, just to make him a little more 'there' if you know what I mean?

diagnosis 1st & then the support :)! I wish you the best of luck & I'm sure you'll all work it out :) x

Fishmanpa

12-09-14, 23:54

Opinions, opinions....

When my son was 2, he loved his cars (he's 24 and still does!). He would spend hours playing cars, lining them up (by type, color etc.). He would be so proud of himself too ~lol~ He spoke and developed normally and is fine.

My daughter was another story. She had speech development issues. She had a language pretty much her own. She knew what she was saying. We didn't! I was "D", she called her Mom by her first name, much to her Mom's despair and for whatever reason, called her brother "Tabby". Her doctor referred us to a speech pathologist and it was determined her mind was working faster than her mouth (still does to this day ~lol~). They taught her to slow down and within a month or two we could understand her. She still talks a mile a minute! (don't all women?... yeah, I'm asking for it!).

I would wait the couple of months, make some notes and address it with the doctor when you see him. Yes, those with anxiety must take care not to project it to their children. While I believe there's a certain truth to maternal instinct, anxiety disorder throws gut instincts off as illustrated by the thousands of posts here where someone thinks the worst (and knows it beyond a doubt) and all is fine.

Positive thoughts

Mondie

13-09-14, 04:57

Nathan92

13-09-14, 06:36

in my personal opinion it sounds like Asperges Syndrome, no harm in waiting a few weeks :) x

Cambrian49

13-09-14, 07:02

cattia

13-09-14, 07:20

I went through this anxiety with both my kids, convinced that they were both on the spectrum. My son especially had a lot of behaviours that could be associated with high functioning autism. The problem was that I had made this diagnosis in my own mind and saw everything through my own filter. I spent hours online researching and filling out diagnostic questionnaires. I was 100% convinced but nobody else believed me. I took both my kids to the doctor and health visitor but they weren't concerned. As it turns out, neither of my kids has autism or at least not as far as anyone is concerned so far. I'm not saying your son doesn't as I have never met him but I'm just saying that it is possible to have a very biased view of your child's behaviour because of anxiety. I ignored the positive social interactions that my kids made. The clue in my case was that I was the ONLY one with these concerns. You do need to visit health professionals but you also need to try to accept what they tell you. Normal children really can display a lot of autistic behaviours. At that age it's more about whether they lack normal skills. How is his language development? Is he loving and affectionate? My daughter is a dreamboat, she still ignores us if she's lost in her own thoughts but she isn't autistic. Please don't think I'm dismissing your concerns, I just know from experience that things we think are obvious aren't always the case and when you have anxiety, instinct is pretty unreliable.

anthrokid

13-09-14, 07:32

There is a real difficulty in diagnosing young children (under school age) with Autism Spectrum Disorder because children at such a young age can vary so dramatically in social behaviour, activities, and reaching developmental milestones. The criteria for diagnosing Autism Spectrum Disorder is quite extensive as well. That doesn't mean it takes a million appointments to make a diagnosis, but that quite a few behaviours (or lack of behaviours) must be observed across different contexts.

If you are genuinely concerned that your son may be presenting with ASD, then do follow upon it with your doctor and see what their opinion is, particularly for your own peace of mind. You could make an appointment to see your child's GP, or wait until the 2 year check up, it won't really make much difference when (except to your anxiety). If the doctor feels there is something going on, you'll be able to discuss further with them about the next steps to take, which will likely result in a referral to a child specialist. The best person to explore whether your child has ASD would be a specialist pediatrician or a clinical psychologist (child specialty), as they are the people with the most experience and most education in terms of diagnosing and managing childhood disorders.

But remember, children are strange. They do some funny things and they aren't all the same. What is normal for one child isn't normal for another, and no child will have the same pattern of behaviour :) It is natural to worry for your child, but don't let this worry consume you.

cpe1978

13-09-14, 09:04

in my personal opinion it sounds like Asperges Syndrome, no harm in waiting a few weeks :) x

Without wanting to be too direct, how the hell do you know? This is a really irresponsible thing to say on a forum like this.

I have spent much of the past five years running charity for disabled children and much of the past two commissioning healthcare for them. Consequently over the years I have come across a huge number of children and young people on the autism spectrum. I can definitively tell you a number of things:

- unless they are an educational psychologist or other such professional, people on here cannot give you a sensible diagnosis/view on whether it is or is not autism.
- even a reputable medical professional probably wouldn't to be honest either.
- autism is incredibly difficult to diagnose under two for a whole variety of reasons, the main one being I think illustrated well by FMPs post. If you look hard enough, any child's idiosyncratic behaviour is a 'red flag' for autism. It rarely means that it is autism though. My daughter when she was younger wouldn't not communicate with anyone, nursery didn't know she could talk until 6 months after we had been having conversations with her at home. She used to meticulously line up her toys in colour order and a whole hoof other things. She isn't autistic.

The final point I would make is that even if a child does have autism, there is absolutely no reason that they can't have a totally wonderful life.

Mondie

13-09-14, 10:15

He does have positive social traits too. He laughs out loud when we play together, likes being hugged and tickled. He tells me he's had fun sometimes and is putting together 2 & 3 word sentences.

Then things just suddenly turn and he is shrieking and banging his head when he doesn't get his own way. I do know that he is only just 2 and this is usual behaviour, but it's all the other quirks that he has that worry me.

I don't expect anyone on here to give me an answer, that isnt really what I'm looking for. I'm just confused as to whether like Cattia said it is that I'm seeing things through my own filter because of that damn Dr Google and my health anxiety.

Thanks for the messages x

Mondie

13-09-14, 22:09

Just spoke to my husband again, who will only say..."he's a normal 2 year old, stop messing with him"

Looks like my marriage may take a battering as I truly think something is wrong and don't want to risk not giving my son the support he needs.

I feel so alone right now :weep:

pj67

13-09-14, 22:53

Hi. I know exactly how you feel. I have health anxiety, especially over my kids and really struggle at times to know whether it's me being over anxious or everyone else not taking things seriously enough. When my son was around 2 I was also convinced he was autistic and my husband had t he same response as yours. My son didn't and still doesn't have good eye contact. Also didn't respond much to his name and I think that's quite common at that age. The main things that worried me was that he would spend ages lining his cars up and also really liked spinning wheels. I remember going to the zoo and he was more interested in spinning the wheels on his buggy, that really freaked me out.
Anyway, he's now 8 and. Not autistic but a very intelligent boy. I have since read that lining things up can be a way of learning and can be very normal at that age although I would have dismissed that if I read it at the time.
Maybe you should try to say you will give it 2 months and try to focus on the positive things you mention, although if know it's easier said than done.

chickpea

14-09-14, 09:19

Whatever your son does or doesn't have will not go unnoticed once he's at nursery/school.
In the meantime, he is not being damaged by being treated the same as any other 2 year old. Autism isn't a health issue in the way, say, measles is, so he is not going to suffer from non-intervention at this stage.

Children below school age can cover a wide spectrum of what is "normal." My son used to hate having dirty hands, or holding hands with people, and he insisted on lining up toys in strict patterns. His speech was terrible, he was still in nappies when he went to nursery at 3 etc.
He's now 8 and perfectly normal...whatever THAT is!
My daughter has ADHD. She was my first child, so I had nothing to compare with. It was picked up by her teacher at 5 (I knew something was different with her from when she was born).
What you don't want is to push your son down an unnecessary road of labelling, testing etc. Before we had the correct diagnosis for my daughter, we were TOLD she was dyspraxic, dyslexic, that I was a neurotic mother etc...all because it was too early to say where she was on the spectrum (we are ALL on the spectrum!)

Keep an eye on your son, talk to your health visitor but please do not look for evidence that your diagnosis of autism is correct, because you'll find something in every single 2 year old! :-)

Magic

14-09-14, 14:34

Mondie, Good post from Chickpea. good advice. xx

Mondie

14-09-14, 19:03

I've had some great advice. Thank you so much x

Tessar

14-09-14, 19:39

Hello Mondie, I don't have any experience with things like autism in children (though i did live with a brother who had huge issues (would be labelled ADHD these days). I don't have children though so you could say I'm kind of a neutral observer as such.
Something that really strikes me about your posts is how the situation is affecting your marriage.
I know what it is like to notice things about other people's behaviour, I often notice things with my nieces & nephews that bother me (in part because of my sometimes rocky childhood I can't help noticing things & I suppose sometimes I do worry as it tugs at my heart strings).
I suppose we all see situations & people differently & no doubt our past life influences how we see things too. It does seem you are more perceptive than your husband. it makes you more likely to notice things about your son's behaviour.
My "observers" slant on your situation is that although there seems strong evidence something may not be quite right with your son, equally things may be absolutely fine (especially given the other posters comments here).
What you wouldn't want to happen I am sure is that for the sake of a couple of months waiting ..... your worries about your son jeopardise your marriage. You've mentioned your husband loves you and you son ...... Perhaps you could find a way to bide your time until the check up is due? If things turned out fine, you wouldn't want the next couple of months waiting to influence your future would you?
I totally relate to how you husband isn't connecting with your concerns.
It is really hard having worries in the first place & so when you aired your concerns, not to be even met half way must have been very hard.
I don't know about you but I always hope my partner would try to understand or at least acknowledge my concerns or difficulties(whatever they may be).
I would hope to be comforted & made to feel supported.
Perhaps if he were more receptive, it would lessen your anxieties. You would feel supported & maybe worry less because you would have been "heard".
At least you do know a check up is on the horizon. It may well be the issues resolve themselves, as they have done for other posters here.
Hope this helps.

Mondie

14-09-14, 22:03

Thanks, I think what my husband struggles with is hearing me go on about what illness I "know" I have and all the googling symptoms that I provide as evidence. I guess it's a little bit of the boy who cried wolf. My own fault I suppose...it's all a bit sad.

Daisy Sue

15-09-14, 00:49

Hi Mondie - firstly I want to say don't worry. Your son is really young, and all the things you're seeing as possible signs of autism could be absolutely normal behavior for a kiddie his age, especially a boy. But yes, you could also be right that they're signs of something else, so I honestly don't think you're over-reacting or thinking unreasonably. I have two children both on the autism spectrum, both different diagnoses, and both displayed (and still do) very differing signs. One didn't give eye contact as a young child, the other did.

My advice would be a) keep level-headed about it, voice your concerns to people who ARE qualified to take what you're saying seriously and check it out, and keep on doing so whenever the appropriate opportunity comes up, like at his check-up, and on enrolling him in nursery/school, also talking to each new teacher and special needs staff about your worries, and ask that they keep a special eye on him & report back to you... and b) don't be scared of the whole autism thing. If it does turn out that he's on the spectrum, it's honestly not the end of the world - my kids both went through mainstream school, and they're fine - they have struggles that some other kids don't, but they're happy, wonderful people, and certainly don't have doom & gloom in their lives due to their conditions.

Your mother's instinct is probably the strongest sense you have, and in this day & age of autism awareness, it's normal to see something "different" in your child and wonder. Try and keep that in mind when other people are belittling your worries - you're just doing your job as a good mum. x

Mondie

15-09-14, 08:35

chickpea

15-09-14, 09:34

As I understand it, anxiety stems from the need to be in control.

As a parent, and especially a first-time one, it's entirely normal to feel like you have sole responsibility of your child and also to obsess about every aspect of their well-being.
Your experience with a second, third, fourth child is very different - you simply haven't got the same head space to worry in the same way, which is why first children often grow up to be less laid back and relaxed than their more chilled out siblings.

Whether your son has autism or not is not in your control. You didn't cause it and you won't make it worse. Allow yourself to let go a little - when he goes yo nursery and school, you will share the responsibility for his well-being. Allow yourself to give some responsibility to your health visitor - that is their job.

You say it is exhausting, and I know from personal experience that it is - so for now, stop the fight. You have got caught up in a vice-like grip over the situation, which is not giving you any comfort or answers, so instead of giving up, you're trying harder and harder and getting more and more stressed.

As it's not getting you anywhere, how about letting go for just one day? Try to accept the situation for today, enjoy your son, stop looking for signs, and see whether it makes you feel worse than you already feel - I guarantee it won't. :-)

You can't control everything, and it's not your job to try. Remind yourself that a million mums are out there, not stressing about their child's every move...and their children are absolutely fine!

Daisy Sue

15-09-14, 11:20

Thank you Daisy Sue for your advice. One of the issues I've always had is that if I think something is wrong I have a need to know NOW if my thought is correct. I hate waiting and can find that thoughts get out of hand until I have my fears quashed.

In this case, I have the added fear that I could unnecessarily hurt my son by setting us off down a path we need not be on.

It's trying to control this NEED to get reassurance (which most HA sufferers have) without missing signs that I need to get my son checked out.

Gosh this is exhausting!

I completely agree with Chickpea's advice :)

Re what you said above, you can't hurt your son by getting professionals to watch or assess him, but the hurt you could cause by over-stressing would be to you - these are precious days and years, don't cloud them with worries over whether he's autistic or not.

Unfortunately, this kind of diagnosis never happens 'right now'... it takes at the very least months, sometimes years, to get a true diagnosis, if there is one. Various teams get involved, the child needs assessing both at nursery/school, and at many appointments, so you really need to try and relax & put this on a back burner. Take control as in decide who you're going to tell and what you're going to say, then just enjoy your little boy.

On the plus side - this (thankfully) isn't the kind of diagnosis that is needed quickly for health reasons, he's not poorly.

I completely get the fear and need for reassurance, don't get me wrong, but we can't change or control everything.

Be strong, be focused, and just enjoy him :)

Mondie

15-09-14, 14:46

Thanks again everyone for some very sound and sensible advice, it is really appreciated.

MrsVyse

15-09-14, 15:31

Hi Mondie, I have two sons, my eldest who is 13 now has been only just diagnosed as having Aspergers. I always knew something was odd about him, lack of emotion, repetative behaviour, outbursts, cannot perform simple tasks etc.. but when my youngest son was born 2 years ago, who is very ahead in his development, it brought it home to me how bad my eldest son was.
Put it this way, the baby does more than my eldest son, and often cleans up after him!
You know something is wrong. You probably need to see your local CAMHS service which deal with children who may have difficulties. You access them via your GP.
Be warned, I sought help for my eldest son 2 years ago and only now is he getting treatment, so its a long wait so the earlier you bring it to a doctors attention the better.
If he doesnt have autism, they will tell you, but if he does they can give you and him extra help. Please go to the doctor and talk about it. xx

Mondie

15-09-14, 18:49

I think I'm going to talk to. My doctor who is treating my health anxiety. I'm not going to get her to look at my son, but I could talk through my concerns with her, she's very good.

I don't want to start something that I can't stop and end up with my son having to be put through appointments that aren't needed. As some people have said, these things should become more apparent when he starts nursery next year.

It is so difficult rationalising my thoughts at the best of times, let alone ones about my precious little man.

UKmamainUS

16-09-14, 09:07

Thank you. I just want to make it clear that while my husband is being headstrong about this, he does love us and is in no way abusive.

I will try and get a date for my sons 2 year check up and take it from there.

I don't think anyone could possibly think your husband is abusive - in fact it seems he is probably just trying to protect him from your anxiety.

Good plan on waiting until the check up.

Also, I noticed you said your son has good interactions but then might head butt the ground. My son used to do that all the time. He spent his first two years with a bruise on his forehead! He never lined up cats but at three years old he lives to color, but if his coloring gets out of the lines he throws mega tantrums. I have never seen such neat coloring from such a young child - he outs my six year old to shame in that department. LOL. Anyway, my hubby used to think my son had autism, so I took him to a naturopath I know who used to be a social worker specializing in autistic spectrum disorders (really didn't want to go through the medical route at first and end up labeling him, unless there was a real need to). She said that there is no way he is autistic. Here we are, a year later and my three year old can read short words, can color like a pro, and is even figuring out spelling with very little help - sometimes these kids are just smart and don't know how to express it in their younger years. They know what they want but have no real idea how to convey that to us.

Good luck, and try not to worry about this so much until his appointment. Enjoy your little boy and if at a later date your find out he has autism, deal with it then. Try not to let this ruin your marriage. Really, if it turns out you are right, you are going to want emotional support from the only other person who loves your son as much as you do.

Cerilia

16-09-14, 11:20

he has little or no eye contact, doesn't respond to his name, flaps his arms, lines up his toys...the list is never ending. I only know about these red flags from what I've read on the internet. It is for this precise reason that my husband wont believe me.

feel brokenhearted and truly alone

I feel your pain, when my daughter was 1 and a half I thought the same. She would never look at me, she was often fixated on pictures or objects, sometimes for hours. She also always always lined her toys up... sometimes the lines where so long she'd run out of room and stop.

Guess what, she's 6 now and one of the brightest kids in her class, she's already fluent in 3, yes 3 languages and a fun loving, princess dress wearing normal little girl.

I'd say give it some more time. :)

70sgirl

16-09-14, 14:54

Hi Mondie, you've had some great advice on here already, but as a parent with a child on the Autistic Spectrum I thought I'd also add a few things.

1. Voicing your concerns about him is a great first step, and if the doctor thinks referring your son to a child development specialist for an assessment, listen to him and go for it. But it won't be an overnight thing - getting a diagnosis can take months, and sometimes even the professionals aren't 100% sure.

2. Don't be afraid of the thought of him having a 'label'. My daughter was diagnosed at age 3 after many tests by many specialists. Although they weren't 100% sure, we agreed that she should have the 'label' anyway as it opens many doors for extra help etc. It also enabled us to take a course about autism spectrum disorders and allowed her to go into special courses to help her communicate better etc. All paid for by the UK government (we lived there at the time).

Also remember that the 'label' can be removed at a later stage in their life. The doctor specializing in the area made this clear to us. She is now 8 and doing very well - in fact she has since been reassessed here in Canada and they think that she is barely on the spectrum now.

I hope some of this can help you - please let me know if I can help in any other way! Xx

Mondie

16-09-14, 18:16

I admit that I am having a very bad day today, have been googling like an idiot and I'm even more sure that he is autistic. I am such a bad mother as I can't even handle the idea that he MIGHT be, what would I be like if he is?

chickpea

16-09-14, 21:21

You are NOT a bad mother! That is your anxiety talking.
You have no idea what you can cope with, until you have to - the unknown is much harder than the reality.

My daughter had to have glasses at 2. I cried! She's 10 now and I never even think about it. She also had to have grommets at 4 and then an operation on her leg at 7. If you'd have asked me if I could cope with any of it, I'd have been terrified. Likewise, if you had asked me if I could parent a child with ADHD,I would have said absolutely not.

Stop trying to test yourself. The early years with your child are so brief, just enjoy them and let what will be.

HalfJack

17-09-14, 00:10

Wow you've gotten some really good replies! I came on here to say things everyone else has already said!
You've not listed anything I've not seen in "normal" 2 year olds. That's not to say he's not autistic, but you know, the HA blues is probably singing louder than the rest of you at this point. Happens to the best of us!

I have multiple friends with it, one of whom I lived with. It's different for everyone with it but a lot of people with it live grow up to live very normal happy lives. I know change can feel like the end of the world, you'll adapt, you'll learn and you'll forget life was any different one day :)

There's no such thing as a perfect mother, but bad mothers are for real and you certainly don't sound like one of them :hugs:
P.s. Oh and the obligatory don't google! Big hugs and positive thoughts x