My story - advice would be appreciated :)

[Pinguanxious]

Hi guys

Im fairly new here and wanted to share my story to try and get some input, some people may not agree with what i post, please do not judge me thats something that really scares me, i would really appreciate all help.

Ok so my story :

Ive not had the easiest of upbringings, you know minor childhood abuse e.c.t, was bullied a lot in school. Literally had no friends and spent all my time trying to gain acceptance off people. I am a people pleaser, i have a hard time saying no despite being a really outspoken person.

In my teenage years i got around alot, not in a sexual way but i was always chasing after different guys, a new one every week because i just wanted to feel wanted.

When i was 16 i met a guy ( who is now my fiance ) he is amazing, caring and supportive, everything i could want. at first i wasnt sure it would work because of who i am but now im madly in love and couldnt have my life without him.

However, several times between year 1 and year 2 and a half of our relationship, i still sought attention from other men. I would flirt with them, text them and even kiss some of them ( i have never gone further ). I never wanted any of them and at times i only responded to their flirting cos i didnt want to hurt their feelings. As awful as this sounds because i truly do love my partner. Anyways...

I have always suffered with mental illnes... GAD, Depression and OCD. About 6 months after my last 'encounter' I had sort of a breakdown, i had gone away to uni and something in me snapped. I told my partner everything.

He forgave me ( i am literally the luckiest girl alive )

I was ill for several months, consumed by guilt, my panic attacks returned and my OCD got worse.

Somehow we moved past all this and in the 5 years that followed i did have one of these indiscretions. ( this is why i ask for no judgement as i already feel like an awful person )

5 years later we are living together and are extremely happy. My GAD still does play up a lot but it is manageable. Recently i came in contact with another man who liked me, i flirted with him ( I am a very flirty person but this does not bother my OH ) he kept trying to kiss me but i knew i didnt want to so i pulled away, but i allowed a peck on the lips as i really didnt want to upset anyone. As soon as i got home from the bar i told my partner everything as we do not keep secrets at all. He was ok with it as he didnt see it as a big deal. I see this guy alot as he is my work collegue.

To the main point i am posting:

Since that night two months ago i am very ill again, i am plagued with anxiety over the past. I feel insignificant and like i have ruined my whole relationship, even though i have been forgiven. I keep thinking is there details my partner doesent know and trying to confess them too him ( i have a form of confessional OCD where i confess every little detail of every aspect of my life )
For the first month i was plagued with daily panic attacks leading to severe deoression where i self harmed a lot.
My citalopram 20mg got upped to 40mg 4 weeks ago and althought the panic attacks have now stopped i still have anxiety and worry lurking in the background of my mind at all times telling me i am useless e.c.t

I worry that i have brought all the illness on myself despite being ill since i was very young.

I have an amazing otherhalf and I really dont want anyone else. these indiscretions were 5 years ago.

My question is, how do people cope with the feelings of anxiety or guilt. Is there a way to let go of past memories causing anxiety ?

As a last note, i get anxiety over a lot of past issues this is just the major one at the moment.

Any input would be amazing as i sometimes feel like im going insane. I know im a bad person for what i did. But i really want to move on from it and live a long happy life with a man whom i truly love even though i feel like i dont deserve him

[.Poppy.]

You're not a bad person. It sounds like all of these incidents happened in a bar situation. Bars are BAD for this kind of thing. Men there assume all women are single and interested in them and they tend to push the issue. Being that you've been drinking, it can sometimes be hard to say no or follow through with what you would do if you were totally sober and somewhere less toxic, like a library. :)

If you can't tell, I've spend plenty of time in bars. I've been groped and danced with in ways that I would NOT do sober or anywhere else, but like I said, the environment is toxic.

I think one of your first steps should be to limit your bar time, and when you go, to limit your drinks. Just be aware. It is NOT your fault, most men are quite forceful and like I said, they tend to assume that every woman there is available and into them. It's not fair that you are the one who has to bear the burden for their behavior (here in the US we are having a big discussion on that matter), but it's kind of the way it is.

As for the past, you need to forgive yourself. Your fiance has forgiven you. From a stranger's perspective, it doesn't look like you've done anything wrong. So, now it's your turn. Try to acknowledge all of the things you think you have done wrong, say "I forgive myself" and move on. Seriously, move on. Anytime the feeling of guilt comes into your brain, think about something else. Do something else. REFUSE to think about the issue and eventually it will fade away.

Best of luck :)

[Pinguanxious]

Thanks for replying :)

the ones years ago were not bar situations, the most recent one was though, i have now stopped drinking completley and i used to drink a bottle of wine a night.

the ones 5+ years ago were just guys i met through friends. i feel guilty for kissing them. My OH says its no big deal as long as it dont keep happening because it was only kisses, not like i slept with them. I just wanted to feel wanted, i loved the attention, it was like an ego boost.

Its the panic i hate, the panic attacks i get over what i deem as cheating.

How long does it usually take for thoughts to no longer have meaning.
thanks again poppy that was really helpful and non judgmental :)

[.Poppy.]

The amount of time can vary, but eventually it will become habit that even if you do have a thought, your mind just moves on from it. It just takes a bit of conscious practice to train your mind not to dwell on it.

Even if you weren't in a bar, you were young (17 or 18 based on your post). No doubt you've grown up a LOT in the past five years and will continue to do so. :)

[Carnation]

Hi Pinguanxious. I totally get you on this and there is no need to feel ashamed.
You actually sound a very nice person. I can relate to your feelings and reactions.
The reason we do things like this is because we need reassurance that we are loved and wanted and there is a sense of security/fallback in relationships too.
Eventually these feelings will subside in time and you will look back at it all as history.
You are not a bad person, so don't think that and you sound like you have a brilliant partner who really loves you, so don't beat yourself up over this.:)

[Pinguanxious]

Thanks guys so much for your reassurance, I was very young at the time and really it was a feeling of just wanting attention, even when I didn't flirt ir kiss other men I have always craved attention no matter what form it comes in, I think it dwells from very low self esteem due to my upbringing.
I just keep thinking back to all the times I was attention seeking and I feel terrible for it. I do also feel that it happens at times when maybe myself and my partner are going through a rougher patch than we normally would.
Has anyone else experienced the same sort of thing as me?
Also with regards to feelings of guilt do you think it's best to try and ignore them or let them exist without giving them meaning and let then fade out alone?
Thanks agin for your support it really helps me to make sense of it all x

[Carnation]

I wouldn't try and ignore them, just understand the reasons for them; which you have. There are reasons for everything and you have just confirmed yours.
I have had a similar situation to you; my Parents were not around much and I did not feel loved when I was a child. I was also bullied at School, so my Life was very sad growing up. When you become older enough to go out in the big wide world, we seek attention and love and hope to find something special. It sounds like you have, so you have a happy result. :)

[Pinguanxious]

Thank you!! I have found someone that makes me so happy, I get so anxious though and worry that one day he will realise how messes up I am and leave me. I didn't want to cheat all them times, I don't think I can ever forget what I did, just seems like another stone in my already overflowing pot. My anxiety is pretty bad over most things and I just hope one day I can boost my self esteem myself rather than needing to always seek validation

[Pinguanxious]

And this morning was just as bad!! I'm fed up with feeling like this now