Can't let her go I love her to much but I hate her for what she done

[Ollie28]

My wife cheated on me nearly 12 month ago, I found out by chance and even though I found out for the 5 months after I allowed my partner to treat me like dirt in a bad way why she carried on her "what ever it was" with this lad.
After a long period of hell we got back together.
I am now in a bad way as a result of it all, I struggle to do basic things me don't feel anything like I use to, I've been in such a dark horrible place and some of the things I've experienced I don't know how I've dodged hospital or a psycho ward.
I've been suicidle due to how I now feel and what I'm going through,

I ended up in A&E on Wednesday night I tried to take my own life and I cut myself in a bad way that I had to call an ambulance & ended up with 7 stitches.

I've been well and healthy all my life with a good career, 2 amazing kids I love but I just can't cope no more with how I feel and what I'm mentally going through.

I love my wife and want nothing more than to have our life's back as it was but why I'm going through going through this I hate her so much for it all.

I'm only 30 and I'm not a bad looking person and I had a lot going for me but the shock and following trauma has destroyed me & my life,


I can't bring myself to leave my partner because I love her we've been together since 16 YOA but I don't think I can ever forgive her.

I go through so many thoughts each day I'm everywhere. I'm gotta Lou disconnected from everything, I don't know what to do no more.

I don't know how to get my life back to some stage of feeling like I can live a little.

I don't want to die but I don't want to go through life feeling like this no more.

I'm full of frustration and anger, sorrow and guilt, I have 0 self asteam,
In the last 7 months I've lost myself, my car, my job, I only have my wife and kids left. Life's not worth living no more I fear for my future.

I fear if il ever feel like I use to or feel anywhere near my old self.

[.Poppy.]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

You need to take your life back. You know this. It won't be easy. You know this as well.

If you need to talk to a therapist, I think you should do so. Maybe just give one a chance - it could be helpful to have someone in your corner, so to speak. Talk to friends and family as well.

There are many people who have have spouses cheat on them and they have remained together. It's impossible to say if that is a course of action that could work for you.

Personally, I'm young and stubborn. You love her very much, but does she feel the same way? If she doesn't, part of taking your life back may be to bite the bullet and get out of the relationship. Build your life up with you and your children. The way your self-esteem is, you need to focus on loving YOU. Being with someone that does not love you will make that process nearly impossible.

I think you can do this. You are young, you are smart, you are NOT worthless. You've been made to feel worthless by someone who clearly has issues of their own. You can pick your life up and start again, you just need to have the courage to do so.

[Ollie28]

Hi poppy,

My partner is very very sorry for what she done and I know she loves me more now than ever, she's got me thorough some scary places I've experienced,

I can't think straight to even decide what to do, I don't really have anyone else and the thought of life without my wife & kids as a family is enough to send me over the edge but then I have this trap or thoughts that I keep going through that starts off with seeing or doing something that reminds me of her & him or makes me feel like I'm worthless or il see a good looking guy and instantly think my partner should be with him or my partner enter someone like him putting myself in the pits....it stirs my insides then It sends me down the road of deep thinking, then I think my partner wanted someone else, I was once a happy man with everything, I now have nothing, whats my future, will these mental horrible sumts ever go away, it's all her fault, I hate her, but I love her, I know she's sorry but I'm a result of her horrible actions, I love her and dont want to lose her, I can't see her with someone else, this is my problem now don't bring my family down with me, I need her,
But it's all her fault how could I let someone do this to me, I should leave, but I don't have nothing or no one, I feel so disconnected and mentally messed up I don't know if I'm coming or going, up or down, all I know is I'm here.
I'm beginning to worry I'm schizophrenic I'm that up & down.

I am seeing a psychotherapist but only had 3 sessions.
After my actions Wednesday night I've been told I'm to see a psychiatrist.
I'm worried about the outcome, if I was to tell you some of the things I went through them 5 months and how much, anger & emotion was high n low and it feels like my body is repeating everyday the same emotions regardless, it's like being stuck in a bad dream that's never ending I feel like I'm drowning.

I just want to be me again, think, feel and do what I use to.

I'm fed up of the physical pain, I'm fed up of not remembering what day it is, what I've just done or what I'm to do.

I personally think I'm suffering PTSD.