Intrusive thoughts are really scaring me.

[peacealways]

Im new here but have read a lot of threads that seem familiar to mine. I have really bad sexual intrusive thoughts, and they keep getting worse. When i was 10 a male cousin of mine spent the night and I kept having sexual intrusive thoughts, I didn't understand why I was having them..and I just shrugged them off. When I was 12, I went through a stage where I had thoughts telling me I was a lesbian (HOCD i now know it was) I've always found guys attractive and those were the ones I wanted to date. Also that summer I had a bad sexual thought enter into my mind about my female cousin who was spending the night :( I feel so guilty. Also that summer a commercial with a little girl came on and I had more bad sexual intrusive thoughts..I immediately responded back to them saying no I don't want to do that..Now im 20 and these thoughts just came back out of the blue because I read a book about a woman who was raped and didn't remember then another book about a girl who was molested by her father. First I was scared I was molested or raped as a young girl, then I quickly remembered the thought I had about my cousin. The voice became so intense telling me just to act on the thought and see it in my head..it was my birthday that day and I cried in bed and felt like a sick monster..but the thoughts went away when I went out a celebrated for my birthday. Three weeks later they came back and havent gone away. Its just the same image I keep seeing...with different little girls and sometimes boys..the thoughts seem so real like I like them but deep down inside I know I don't I wan't them gone. I keep telling myself I don't like them but there's a doubt in my head that says your lying. I haven't thought this way in a while. I am becoming very suicidal and had to sleep in my mom's room to not give into the suicidal thoughts. I am suppose to be meeting with a therapist Tuesday ( I told her everything) I just get so sad and suicidal I want the old me back. I don't want nor have any desire to act on these thoughts. They just seem so real. and the voices telling me to suffocate myself or hang myself are even louder. I keep looking into the past before these thoughts came full throttle and wish I could have that mindset back. I keep counting the numbers on the clock of what time it is and say if its even the thoughts are real or so forth...and I had a full blown panic attack last sunday. These thoughts are really getting out of hand...I havent eaten often and I cant concentrate someone please hep, I feel so guilty and undeserving to live.

[Baggs]

Welcome to NMP, I hope you find as much help as I have. I wish you all the best.

[Pinguanxious]

The fact that these thoughts bother you show you that you do not agree with them. Think of it this way, lets say you watch a video of an animal being tortured, you are sickened by it, yet it stays stuck in your head much as you are repulsed e.c.t ... its a similar thing. and the more you give meaning to the thoughts the more active they will become. its like the though taunts you and the more you rise to it the more it will taunt you..... like a bully. you are not a bad person... are you seeking any therapy or on any medication?

although i like you have intrusive thoughts they are on a different spectrum to yours. but the principal is the same. these thoughts are unwanted and you should treat them as such. dont fight them, let them exist... easier said than done, wish i could follow my own advice sometimes :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

Well done for talking about it and seeking help, that must have been very difficult.

I used to have violent intrusive thoughts and I found that the way out if not to respond to them. Anxiety sees a strong emotional reaction and it stores that as an appropriate responses.

If you do this, you may still get some thoughts but they will float through without anxiety.

[Sarahjosephine]

I am suffering at the moment and can completely relate to you, I have violent, mean thoughts and feel like a bad person. I have been listening to Eckhart Tolle on Youtube for help and just know you're not alone but because it's thoughts you often feel alone as it's a taboo subject that no-one talks about in fear of looking crazy but you're not crazy.

[peacealways]

thank you all so much, I will look up eckhart tolle on youtube. I was suppose to have therapy tomorrow but it didn't work out. They're just so scary and convincing sometimes. its all so hard to deal with.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Look at Mindfulness which helped with my OCD. CBT therapists recommend it and it even has been combined with CBT to create MBSR (US) and MBCT (UK).

Look for Jon Kabat-Zinn in the US or Professor Mark Williams in the UK.