Anxiety Back and Badder Than Ever

[cloudbusting]

Hi All

*sigh* Well, I have been fighting it and fighting it but I can't ignore any longer. My anxiety has a grip of me again and I'm so fed-up. Every bloomin' day is like walking through concrete.

I was on these forums a lot back in March / April time and it had been very bad since that Christmas. It did die down a little, never fully went away mind you, and now I'm back in the full blown stranglehold and my world is getting smaller and smaller again.

I gave up singing with my band as I just couldn't do it anymore so it robbed me of that. Now I have set myself up as a promoter for bands and I have a meeting at 3.30pm today with a great venue I want to take on to stage some concerts - and I feel like jelly. I just had a cup of chamomile and that *has* taken the edge off which is a great help but I have been using one or two glasses of wine as well (not today !) as a temporary crutch which isn't good, I know.

I literally cannot go anywhere without being accompanied by shaking limbs, blurred vision and now a new sensation (for me) of feeling like I am about to topple over - deeply unpleasant.

Unfortunately, I have also had some heart issues flagged up by the cardiologist after my 7 day holter. It's not devastating news but it ain't good either and I think the worry of that has played heavily on my mind since I found out a few weeks ago.

I tried Citalopram and it really didn't work for me, side effects were not good. I've done CBT. I'm really careful about what I eat. I take my dog out everyday for a good walk to get rid of some adrenaline but I am tearing my hair out !

Thank you for reading this. Any advice, ideas, comments would be very much appreciated. I think I'll be around these boards for a while, they were such a massive help to me before.

Cheers,
Lisa xxx

[Seamus Ireland]

Hello,
sorry to hear the anxiety has returned, You could ask your GP to see if he/she could prescribe Half Inderal LA 80mg taken once daily it would certainly control the physical symptoms you're experiencing like shaking limbs although you may not be able to get them because of your Heart Issues.

I wish You Well

[cloudbusting]

Cheers, Seamus.

It's worth asking, they can only say no !

Oh, meant to say that I am taking Bisoprolol (beta blocker) at the moment, lowest dose 1.25mg.

I do think I need to try meds again but which ones ? Anyone try anything without a horror story attached ? :wacko:

Lisa x

[Alen]

Hi

Fighting and Fighting , no, no ,no , dont do it you are fueling it
read up on acceptance. Do not fight back you will lose

[cloudbusting]

Hi Alen

Thanks for your reply.

I have done the acceptance thing and I do accept to a degree. It has stopped full blown panic attacks from happening, so that's good but overall I am just sick to death of it ruling my life every day.

I feel lost. I don't know what to try or where to go from here.

Can *anyone* please give me some encouragement and hope ? :weep:

Thanks

Lisa x

[MrAndy]

Hi Lisa
recovery from anxiety and depression comes in waves with calm periods in the middle.Try and revisit what you learnt from your cbt to get over this wave.It will end its a natural conclusion even though at the moment it wont seem this way. I was hospitalised with anxiety a year ago and now almost over it,so it can be done
good luck

[Tanner40]

Lisa, sorry to hear you're continuing to have a bad time with the anxiety. Im in agreement with Mr. Andy about the CBT. Revisiting all of the things that youmlearned in CBT can be helpful. Can you try devoting 20 or 30 minutes a day to that project. Writing has always helped me, especially to write down all of the irrational thoughts that I'm having.
True acceptance, with the understanding that these symptoms can't hurt you is crucial. It tends to stop the adrenaline and help to reprogram your brain from the constant worrying.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Did you start any Mindfulness Lisa? Acceptance is hard but in Mindfulness its only one of 8 elements so it can come with time as you practice. Some of those elements lend themselves more to cognitions than others and this might be why acceptance can be harder because alone its not always the way.

I know this can differ by anxiety disorder and other members may not agree with this view but acceptance is only an element of therapy as well hence we can use it as a tool and work on other elements to move forward and let it catch up.

Is it more anticipatory anxiety or is it all the time?

[cloudbusting]

Hi everyone

Thank you all so much for your replies and I'm sorry to have taken so long to get back to you.

I have had an up and down week. I tried shifting my attitude which work ed for a bit (you know, not dwelling on stuff and staying positive, making mysef do thing sthat I didn't want to) but now I am floored again - it's so frustrating.

I haven't as yet but I will revisit the CBT. I like it and it does work for me when I am in the right 'mindset'. I have the CBT4panic course downloaded, which is a brilliant course.

Terry, I just dipped into 'mindfulness' really, I need to get more serious with that too. All of this seems like such hard work when you're exhausted and scared too, don't you think :blush:

Terry, you also asked if my anxiety was anticipatory or all of the time and yes, it is pretty much all of the time now. I am avoiding more and more things and just feel exhausted constantly and like everything is a huge effort that I can't be bothered to make. I know I must have depression creeping in as well.

That's all I can think of to say. I have tried to keep busy today, walked my dog for a good hour, popped out by myself just to go to the local bookshop that I like and just returned from another trip out to get something to eat, just to keep busy and occupied. Had the start of a panic attack on the way home, breathed through it and it did fade away after a few minutes.

I'm so fed-up now. I just want to sleep all the time. I am married with a daughter but my life is very lonely really. I work from home, I have a couple of friends but they work and are busy with their own lives. My husband sits on his laptop all night long, we don't share anything anymore. My daughter is mildly disabled and is shattered after school so she just wants to 'chill' in her room of an evening. My best friend is the dog ! :D

I think my loneliness has a lot to do with why I am the way I am.

Anyway, enough of 'woe is me' :) Hope you're all doing OK.

Thanks again

Lisa x

[cloudbusting]

Made appointment to see Dr tomorrow to try different meds :shrug:

L x

[MrAndy]

Shame to hear your lonely ,take the batteries out of his laptop,good luck at the doctors

[MyNameIsTerry]

I know exactly what you mean Lisa, its so much hard work. It gets even harder if you are tired a lot as you don't even feel like you have the energy for things. Its even hard to do meditation when you are so tired, which caused me a lot of problems.

I thought I would ask about the anticipatory issue because I remember you having that when you were singing. It sounds like its escalated now and become constant. This is how my GAD started and I don't think I did myself any favours by retreating.

Try to keep doing what you are doing, vary things around and try to not let your days become too much of a routine because it can feed depression and drain confidence.

[cloudbusting]

Thanks again :)

Had an unexpected meeting with a friend today, someone I have known vaguely for years and we only live a few doors away from each other ! Anyway we walked our dogs together having a chat and she invited me along to a fitness class on Monday night. I want to go but am nervous already as the whole 'fitness' thing isn't really me but it will be a good social opportunity and I *do* need to do some exercise of some description. I will make myself go along, I know I'll enjoy it afterwards and feel a sense of accomplishment.

:yesyes:

[Tanner40]

Let us know how the appointment turns out Lisa. When you get back to that CBT program, and the meds kick in, you will begin to feel much better. Walking the dog for an hour is a big accomplishment. I know my dogs bring me such joy.

Being lonely is sometimes such an exhausting process. Easily leading to anxiety and depression. Is there anyone that you can get together with and do something fun? I never wanted to go when in was in the depths of anxiety and depression, but I always felt better after I went.

[cloudbusting]

Hi Tanner, good to hear from you.

Well, I had my appointment. I sat in the waiting room having a panic attack :mad: Heart was going crazy, my head felt like it was being crushed ... I don't need to tell you all this. My appointment was 20 minutes late *sigh*
Anyway, saw a new Dr, a young fella. I thought oh here we go, he won't get it but he was actually great. I got tearful and 'high pitched' :wacko::yesyes: whilst talking to him but he got me a tissue and listened as I rambled on.
Anyway, next week I have to have another 7 day holter to check how the beta blockers are doing (they don't seem to be making much difference, truth be told). After that, on the day it's removed, I have my stress test. So, the Dr didn't want to start me on any SSRI meds (he mentioned Sertraline ? Anyone have any GOOD stories about that one ?) until we have the results of all of that. He did give me a prescription for diazepam (pam ? pan ?) to tide me over. A low dose but I can take up to three a day. I've never taken it before and feel, guess what, nervous about it.
Am going out tonight which will be an ordeal. I just want to lie on my lovely, freshly made bed and watch TV. But I shall go, I'll force myself.
Thanks for your replies once again, folks, it's a massive help :flowers:

Lisa x

[MrAndy]

Sertraline is a good ssri ,I found it easy to go on and it helped me over a blip

[MyNameIsTerry]

Diazapam is a fast acting anto anxiety medication, it will basically feel like something calm is descending over you...well it did for me. The only issue with it is that it can start to get less effective as its one of those ones where your body adjusts so dosages have to be raised long term. It shouldn't be prescribed longer than a month thesedays anyway as its an addictive one but you will be fine on a short course. You may find that as it wears off you get headaches but other than that I never had any side effects from it as it quickly leaves your system.

Exercise will be good for you. A group will also be good. Anxiety is so much about physical sensations and exercise mimics some of these so it can make you more resilient to them so you are less anxious throughout the day and it requires a bigger trigger to get you going. It will also regulate your hormones and help you sleep as shown in studies.

In many poorer countries they have studied exercise instead of medication or therapy and found it as useful.

I'm glad you saw a new GP Lisa, they are often better. Why? Because they have recently been trained so are up to date unlike many older GP's and they can be refreshing as they have not suffered any indoctination that can occur. My mum has found this when, after years on blood pressure medication with a long term repected GP surgery, found herself in hospital with another problem where the young doctor reviewed all her medication. On top of helping her with the issue that brought her to hospital, this young doctor also told her that her GP's (there had been several she had seen rather than sticking to the same one in the surgery) had her old combinations that are no longer used! Personally, I believe in asking a pharmacist when it comes to medication as GP's are often limited in knowledge but I would trust a newly trained GP more based on personal experience as they are more open to possibilities and less likely to be arrogant about knowing in X cases it will be usually be Y.

---------- Post added at 05:15 ---------- Previous post was at 05:10 ----------


Walking the dog for an hour is a big accomplishment. I know my dogs bring me such joy.


They are great aren't they? Have you ever found that they know how you are feeling and spend extra time with you when you are feeling bad?

I think we should be more like them, they live in the moment which we are all struggling to do.

[cloudbusting]

I totally agree about dogs. They are your best friend, they don't judge, they love everything and, as you say, 'live in the moment'.

Speaking of 'judging', feeling a bit let down this morning after having 'words' with my husband last night. He just doesn't understand and, I feel, isn't very supportive at all. He said last night that I am 'imagining' my heart sensations (god, I wish !!!) and that I wind myself up. I have asked him to come with me when I see the cardiologist and he said he would (reluctantly) and then followed up by saying that he will ask the cardio more questions than I did and he will understand the answers better than me ... eh ? :lac:

I've got to the point now where I just don't want to talk to him about any of this because he doesn't get it, he flies off the handle at me, he forgets half the stuff I tell him anyway. So, aside from posting here I don't have an outlet for all the stuff that is whirling around my mind.

I did go out on Friday and enjoyed myself but was ready to come home after a few hours. A friend of mine came along who I really like but she has said a few things that have (unintentionally) hurt my feelings (I sound like a right 'touchy' madam, don't I ?! I'm honestly not but there is still so much ignorance and misunderstanding about our issues, isn't there ?). She was laughing about me being given Diazapam, her friend has just been prescribed Prozac and another of her friends is starting some other AD - she was saying 'I've been through so much in my life, how come I have never been anxious like you ? I don't get it, you're a strong person.'. It's not the first time she has said something like this to me so this time I replied that she should be thankful that she isn't 'like me' and I hope she never ever has to find out what this is like. That shut her up.

Anyway, another day to get through. Hope you all have a good one.

Take care

Lisa x

[MyNameIsTerry]

Its tricky for partners, I sometimes think there should be a forum for them too or support groups. There is always the Time For Change website if he wants to see how people have been affected by mental health issues. Its aimed at reducing stigma so its good for people to use it to understand a bit more about these issues.

He's not realising that how he is phrasing these things is not the best way. I can see, from your words, what he may be trying to say but he needs to have a think about how he says them to avoid conflict.

A prime example could be how he will ask more questions and understand more than you can. Whilst you may have anxieties that can fog your mind so that you may not always think things through as rationally as you normally would or may miss things as memory can be affected by anxiety, you still have the ability to write your questions down and the cognitive ability to understand what is said. If you are finding hard to ensure you ask what you need, write it down a few days before then review again later so you can determine if you have missed anything out. So, he sounds a bit condescending on this point, so its the dog house for him this weekend!

Maybe in that example he thinks he is taking pressure off you? Maybe because he doesn't understand anxiety, he thinks you will be so distracted that you can't get to the answers you need? Or maybe he thinks you 'imagining' it so he wants to ask more questions to prove this to you? The latter points back to ignorance because whilst we do catastrophize, we don't 'imagine', we can just see things out of context. The HA board is a prime example of this. I know in myself that I now struggle with what is a normal sensation that I am overreacting to and what is an action issue or symptom of anxiety.

Your friend seems to be taking light of the situation and sometimes you can appreciate this and laugh with them but other times it can feel like a slight. I think she would do well to be a bit more understanding...failing that you could always point out that everyone around her now needs medication so who's the commom denominator there? :winks::D (just kidding)

Do you think its grinding your husband down a bit and causing him to lose his patience? To be fair, I'm sure we are all hard to live with and its harder for partners who have never suffered mental health problems or have in-depth knowledge of the area. It also makes us retreat and the life we used to have just disappears and I think this can be hard on them too as they can lose that with us.

Hey, you could always substitute for one of these :woof...I'm sure most women say that about us blokes many times in a long term relationship or marriage :D

Its great that you went on the night out though, its worth trying to keep that up. How did the exercise go? Did you manage the sensations well?

[cloudbusting]

Terrible night last night.

I am seeing a cariologist about my heart symptoms and have to go back on Friday for a second 7 day holter monitor. He suspects ventricular tachycardia although uncertain. He put me on 1.25mg of Bisoprolol everyday but I really cannot feel a difference at all and preferred my 20mg of Propranolol. Of course, this news has made my health anxiety spiral out of control.

Last night my heart stopped for a few seconds leaving me shaky and out of puff. I was in the middle of getting stuff ready for my daughter for school but had to lie down for a bit until I felt stronger.

Husband was usual unhelpful self saying 'Have a drink' (he means wine) and 'What do you want me to do ?' but in a snappy way - I didn't want him to do anything except leave me alone until I felt better.

I was in tears again and very, very low. Just sick of all of it to be honest.

Today I've felt a bit brighter and walked my dog for almost an hour, just gently along the beach. It was so nice - until another dog stole his ball !

I've got places to go this week, the theatre and other plans with friends but I just don't want to go. What if I get the heart thing at the theatre ? I'm wanting to pull out already, it's on Wednesday evening.

Anyway, hope you're all having a good start to the week. Thanks for your replies again and thanks for letting me ramble on.

Lisa x

[MyNameIsTerry]

If you go and have to leave Lisa, you have to leave. People become unwell and have to leave things who don't have anxiety disorders.

If its anxiety at theatre try and focus on something for a few minutes, like an object, and it should fade. Its a distraction technique but you really have to focus hard on it, not just look at it. It can help. Another option would be to try a breathing technique to see if that makes it pass.

Your poor dog! But all clouds, eh because now he gets the pleasure of a brand new ball to play with and they are like kids unwrapping xmas pressies when they get a toy!

Having a rough time of it myself at the moment, so believe me, I do empathise. I hate it when you just can't turn it off for more than a few seconds at a time.

[cloudbusting]

Bless you, Terry. It's just so difficult, every single soddin' day isn't it ?

Well, I went to the theatre (to see Dawn French ! She was great). It was a bit of an ordeal to say the least. I booked two seats at the end of the row thinking I had an 'escape' route ... my seat was next to a wall so completely hemmed in :lac: You gotta laugh really ! That didn't actually bother me and I managed to sit through 2 hours without my mind wandering too much. I fely incredibly shaky and upset beforehand and afterwards though. I had to hold my friend's arm to walk back to the car as I felt like I was going to fall or something :huh:

Am in bed now writing this, feeling like a wrung out rag but at least I am home and I *did* get through it in my own stupid way.

Dog walk today was difficult too (he has a bag of new tennis balls so he's made up !). The beta blocker slowed me right down as I was trying to keep up with a friend. What a horrible sensation, like my limbs were made of lead and I was wading through wet concrete. My breath was laboured too. I actually think that that knocked me back for the whole day as I woke up feeling really good.

Well, I hope you all manage a good night's sleep or a gentle day, depending on where you are when you read this.

Goodnight, amigos x

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thats how it starts Lisa as with GAD everything can be some level of exposure. The more you do things, the easier they eventually come but I do find its not like with phobias because GAD is so general that its like there are a lot of gaps to plug before you move up a level!

Claire Weekes used to call them 'layers', basically stages where things change for a time and I agree fully with this as I have been seeing changes in my anxiety for months at a time despite the endless mini cycles within them where my mood swings. So, just concentrate on breaking free of your current layer and you will gain strength from it, then its onto the next set of challenges.

I think we all have low energy days on these medications. I think that my SNRI is affecting me more as the days draw in as I find myself far more teired, but its only since my sleep patterns became so poor that I end up seeing no daylight in the winter months since last year. Prior to that, the fatigue wasn't too bad.

I think we need a strategy to tackle the low energy days and I would be interested to hear what others do. I just carry on but maybe something different is required?

At least you know you can do it now and 2hrs is a very long time. Did you find that your anxiety reduced after 20-30mins? In exposure this is usually when the body seem to try to calm itself down. I used to also notice a marked increase near to the end of an event which is just more anticipatory anxiety.

My dog goes nuts when he gets a new toy, plays with it for hours and eventually falls asleep with it in his mouth so it can't disappear whilst he is asleep!

[cloudbusting]

Hi again

Thanks again Terry for your reply. Yes, I kept in mind that the anxiety would diminish eventually and it did. You describe it perfectly at the part where you say that you begin to feel anxious again near the end of something, the anticipatory stuff. But, it was what it was, I coped and I showed my face and didn't let my friends down. :yesyes:
Today I am having my second round of a 7 day holter fitted. I'm fine about it, I have had very, very few palps and ectopics since the biggy that knocked me about on Sunday. I have felt super anxious though and I think that's down to being taken off the Propranolol on onto a very low dose Bisoprolol.

I feel fed-up. This time last year I was somebody who didn't even take a paracetamol, now it seems like it's all tablets and worry and controlling my symptoms and hospitals ... :shrug:

On the bright side it's Friday ! So, have a lovely day all and a great weekend. Take it easy :)

Lisa x