BIG College problem with depersonalization and depression :(

[Hyena]

Hey guys! Some time ago I posted here about if I should go to college now or not...
well I did and I feel absolutely terrible :weep:

I had to move out of my parents house and go to a different town for it... I've been dealing with anxiety since the beggining of last year but I was getting way better, now I just want to die again :weep:

I woke up in the middle of the first night with the WORST depersonalization attack ever, I couldn't believe I was living on my own and I couldn't even go back to sleep... I went to classes and almost broke down crying because I didn't feel prepared at all... it was only the first day and I felt like this, how could I spend three years here!? :(

But this was all I ever wanted, the only degree in my country I was into, I worked so hard to convince my parents and just now I see that this isn't the lifestyle for me... which also creeps me out!! I'll be a failure :(

Next night I wake up with the sudden realisation of being alive, being a human being... this is so stupid, why do I get scared of things I've known all my life!? Of course I am alive and I am human... why does that facts creep my out!! It makes me so mad... everytime I think about being alive it's like my heart stops, my brain freezes and I just want to disappear...

I can't feel connected to the world or to the people, I love my family so so much but even when I think about them I FREAK OUT because I realise I have a family, a life... it's ridiculous and it's killing me because it's bringing my suicidal thoughts back! I'm sure I would never hurt myself, but lets say if I could press a button which would make me disappear forever I would :weep:

I hate this so much, I just came back to my parents house and I am skipping classes because I was totally breaking down there. I used to be a happy go lucky person, always cheerful and making people laugh, and now I want to die and can't enjoy anything. I can't go on like this. I am already on medication and there's no way I'm going to try new meds. I wanna be drug free as soon as I can. :( Please tell me that I won't feel like this for the rest of my life, please tell me I'm gonna be able to feel real again :( Why can't I accept the world? Why does life scares me so much? Just by thinking about growing up and leading a normal life... I get a mini panic attack. I just can't feel okay with being human. Even seeing stores, people organized, anything related to society... makes me wanna die, why does this happen? :(

[Jenwales]

Depersonalision is your brain switching off because of all the constant thoughts and worries in your head. It's completely normal.

I went to Uni, I didn't leave home but I travelled back and for and I couldn't cope with that. It's the change, the leaving our comfort zone that we can't cope with.

I quit and ended up spending a while looking for a job and I've been in retail ever since. Sometimes I think if I'd stuck at it maybe the experience would have been beneficial.

It's the change in your life that's causing this. If you can find some way to deal then maybe you will feel better, a counsellor or somebody. I have been through change in my life since and now I have an interview for a job the change of job scares me a lot. I've been anxious for days.
I hate it.

Give yourself some time. See if this will pass, make friends ...
You could transfer somewhere close to home.
If I'd stuck with Uni I could be giving you better advice right now.
Just know you're not alone. This forum is here and we understand.

[Lissa101]

Hi I just had to answer your post because I had a very similar experience. Two years ago I had a nervous breakdown and suffered the WORST depersonalization and derealisation ever. I never thought I would recover or get my life back together. Well I started to feel better and decided to start my PhD. The first 3 months were horrific - anxiety and DR/DP came back with a vengeance. But I stuck with it - I wasn't going to let it beat me. I'm now half way through and happier than I've been in years. In just over a year I'll have my doctorate and what's more I've made a whole lot of new friends and had wonderful experiences along the way.

You can do it. It doesn't matter how terrible you feel on the inside you can get up in the morning and talk to people and do the work. Gradually you'll build up confidence and eventually you'll even start to enjoy it. If you have a bad day or fail at something don't be mean to yourself about it and if you achieve something - no matter how small - give yourself praise for it. You just have to believe in your strength and like yourself for who you are.

xxx

[.Poppy.]

How far from home are you? If you're not terribly far, maybe you could go home on weekends - it would give you something to look forward to.

My first semester at college was terrible. A few months in, I went through an awful spell where I was having constant panic attacks, I couldn't sleep (and would sit in the dorm bathroom for hours before finally driving to my parent's house at 4 am just to relax), I was a disaster.

But, it got better. I made more friends. My roommate (who I knew from my childhood) was very understanding, and we started doing fun things like having movie nights or rearranging our room. I have a lot of really great memories, and I'm glad I stuck with it.

You can probably do this, but only you can say for sure. I found it helpful to have a light at the end of the tunnel, which is why going home on weekends was a good solution for me. I didn't much like partying anyway, and was able to just go home and sleep. Maybe you can tell yourself that if you stick it out until the end of the semester and it's still not working out, you can explore other options.

[Hyena]

Thank you so so much guys. Your replies helped a lot.
I do go home on weekends, but it doesn't feel right. When I come home and see my family living without me, things are different, and that feeds my depersonalization. I try not to think about that though...

I decided to try again and I'm back on campus. I notice that my depersonalization is way worse in the mornings. And mostly only happens when I think about it but I can't help it. It used to attack me as things didn't seem real, or I didn't seem real, but now it's just the fact that I realised I'M A HUMAN BEING and I'm living life RIGHT NOW and everything around me is temporary. That freaks me out. I just don't feel like I'm there, so everytime I realise I'm alive I freak out. It's just too weird...