Hyena
17-09-14, 18:55
Hey guys! Some time ago I posted here about if I should go to college now or not...
well I did and I feel absolutely terrible :weep:
I had to move out of my parents house and go to a different town for it... I've been dealing with anxiety since the beggining of last year but I was getting way better, now I just want to die again :weep:
I woke up in the middle of the first night with the WORST depersonalization attack ever, I couldn't believe I was living on my own and I couldn't even go back to sleep... I went to classes and almost broke down crying because I didn't feel prepared at all... it was only the first day and I felt like this, how could I spend three years here!? :(
But this was all I ever wanted, the only degree in my country I was into, I worked so hard to convince my parents and just now I see that this isn't the lifestyle for me... which also creeps me out!! I'll be a failure :(
Next night I wake up with the sudden realisation of being alive, being a human being... this is so stupid, why do I get scared of things I've known all my life!? Of course I am alive and I am human... why does that facts creep my out!! It makes me so mad... everytime I think about being alive it's like my heart stops, my brain freezes and I just want to disappear...
I can't feel connected to the world or to the people, I love my family so so much but even when I think about them I FREAK OUT because I realise I have a family, a life... it's ridiculous and it's killing me because it's bringing my suicidal thoughts back! I'm sure I would never hurt myself, but lets say if I could press a button which would make me disappear forever I would :weep:
I hate this so much, I just came back to my parents house and I am skipping classes because I was totally breaking down there. I used to be a happy go lucky person, always cheerful and making people laugh, and now I want to die and can't enjoy anything. I can't go on like this. I am already on medication and there's no way I'm going to try new meds. I wanna be drug free as soon as I can. :( Please tell me that I won't feel like this for the rest of my life, please tell me I'm gonna be able to feel real again :( Why can't I accept the world? Why does life scares me so much? Just by thinking about growing up and leading a normal life... I get a mini panic attack. I just can't feel okay with being human. Even seeing stores, people organized, anything related to society... makes me wanna die, why does this happen? :(
well I did and I feel absolutely terrible :weep:
I had to move out of my parents house and go to a different town for it... I've been dealing with anxiety since the beggining of last year but I was getting way better, now I just want to die again :weep:
I woke up in the middle of the first night with the WORST depersonalization attack ever, I couldn't believe I was living on my own and I couldn't even go back to sleep... I went to classes and almost broke down crying because I didn't feel prepared at all... it was only the first day and I felt like this, how could I spend three years here!? :(
But this was all I ever wanted, the only degree in my country I was into, I worked so hard to convince my parents and just now I see that this isn't the lifestyle for me... which also creeps me out!! I'll be a failure :(
Next night I wake up with the sudden realisation of being alive, being a human being... this is so stupid, why do I get scared of things I've known all my life!? Of course I am alive and I am human... why does that facts creep my out!! It makes me so mad... everytime I think about being alive it's like my heart stops, my brain freezes and I just want to disappear...
I can't feel connected to the world or to the people, I love my family so so much but even when I think about them I FREAK OUT because I realise I have a family, a life... it's ridiculous and it's killing me because it's bringing my suicidal thoughts back! I'm sure I would never hurt myself, but lets say if I could press a button which would make me disappear forever I would :weep:
I hate this so much, I just came back to my parents house and I am skipping classes because I was totally breaking down there. I used to be a happy go lucky person, always cheerful and making people laugh, and now I want to die and can't enjoy anything. I can't go on like this. I am already on medication and there's no way I'm going to try new meds. I wanna be drug free as soon as I can. :( Please tell me that I won't feel like this for the rest of my life, please tell me I'm gonna be able to feel real again :( Why can't I accept the world? Why does life scares me so much? Just by thinking about growing up and leading a normal life... I get a mini panic attack. I just can't feel okay with being human. Even seeing stores, people organized, anything related to society... makes me wanna die, why does this happen? :(