Ronan23
20-09-14, 19:27
Hi,
This will be a long post and apologies in advance for the length of it. So I've kinda suffered from 2 or 3 different forms of anxiety since I was around 12 and they have worsened significantly over the last few years. Health anxiety, social anxiety (in groups) and a bit of panic disorder (probably related to the health anxiety).
Anyway, health anxiety is by far my worst problem. At the age of 24 I have convinced myself I've had or will have:
Bowel cancer
vCJD (human form of mad cow disease)
Sudden death
Multiple Sclerosis
ALS
Rabies
Brain Haemorrage
My health anxiety has become such a big part of me, that I kinda accepted it as normal if that makes any sense. I used to just distract myself with video games, alcohol and pornography to take my mind off it. But as I've hit my early 20's I've became very introspective and aware that my issues are not normal.
With worsening anxiety, I need to take action fast. As you can see from the various illnessess ive diagnosed myself with over the years, I am pretty deep in the shit with this health anxiety. I'm actually quite staggered by the fact I've managed to graduate from college, had a long term relationship for 3 years, travelled solo abroad and got a job all while suffering from 3 different forms of progressively worsening anxiety. What is odd is that if anyone was to come up and talk to me they would have no idea that I suffer from these mental illnesses. They'd maybe see i was shy but I'd generally come across as a smiley guy with a good sense of humour with seemingly no issues.
I get anxious when working out (thinking I'll die suddenly of a rare heart condition like some athletes do), I get anxious when talking to more outgoing people than me, especially ones i'm not close to. I even I get anxious when focusing on my breathing sometimes (I convince myself I might just stop breathing).
I have googled an absolutely ridiculous amount if things related to health.
There are only 2 things which stop my anxiety completely:
-Alcohol
-Xanax
I'm aware enough to know that relying on either of these substances is a bad thing. I tend to drink every weekend, but while alcohol helps on the night i'm taking it, anxiety is inevitably worse the next day. I've only ever taken xanax when in full blown panic (about 5 times).
It's difficult to understand where my anxiety comes from. I've read many many books on overcoming it, I understand exactly what anxiety is but I am yet to beat it. It's hard to explain but I've got used to just accepting the anxiety is there and that I will engage in certain unhealthy behaviours to "help" with it. I am living my life in spite of it. But this is no way to live. I want to experience mental freedom, I feel trapped in a relentless cycle of deceptive brain messages telling me im gonna die, im gonna go red in front of people etc etc. It is not normal to not be able to exercise without thinking I will die. Its not normal to not be able to approach girls and go on dates with them because of anxiety about not knowing if they will like me. I am living a half-arsed life. Missing out on many experiences.
The approach I've taken since I started to look into my anxiety more is that I can beat it on my own without medication. I cleaned up my diet, began exercising but yet to quit drinking at weekends. But i'm not sure it's enough. I was prescribed an SSRI 3 months ago but my mind is in a constant tug of war over whether I should take it. I do not want to lose my ability to orgasm as I've heard somewhere. I do not want brain zaps. But I do want to be cured. Can SSRI's help me? Are they worth it? Is there ever a way out of anxiety?
If anyone has any advice at all with regards to my anxiety that would be really appreciated. Thanks for reading.
This will be a long post and apologies in advance for the length of it. So I've kinda suffered from 2 or 3 different forms of anxiety since I was around 12 and they have worsened significantly over the last few years. Health anxiety, social anxiety (in groups) and a bit of panic disorder (probably related to the health anxiety).
Anyway, health anxiety is by far my worst problem. At the age of 24 I have convinced myself I've had or will have:
Bowel cancer
vCJD (human form of mad cow disease)
Sudden death
Multiple Sclerosis
ALS
Rabies
Brain Haemorrage
My health anxiety has become such a big part of me, that I kinda accepted it as normal if that makes any sense. I used to just distract myself with video games, alcohol and pornography to take my mind off it. But as I've hit my early 20's I've became very introspective and aware that my issues are not normal.
With worsening anxiety, I need to take action fast. As you can see from the various illnessess ive diagnosed myself with over the years, I am pretty deep in the shit with this health anxiety. I'm actually quite staggered by the fact I've managed to graduate from college, had a long term relationship for 3 years, travelled solo abroad and got a job all while suffering from 3 different forms of progressively worsening anxiety. What is odd is that if anyone was to come up and talk to me they would have no idea that I suffer from these mental illnesses. They'd maybe see i was shy but I'd generally come across as a smiley guy with a good sense of humour with seemingly no issues.
I get anxious when working out (thinking I'll die suddenly of a rare heart condition like some athletes do), I get anxious when talking to more outgoing people than me, especially ones i'm not close to. I even I get anxious when focusing on my breathing sometimes (I convince myself I might just stop breathing).
I have googled an absolutely ridiculous amount if things related to health.
There are only 2 things which stop my anxiety completely:
-Alcohol
-Xanax
I'm aware enough to know that relying on either of these substances is a bad thing. I tend to drink every weekend, but while alcohol helps on the night i'm taking it, anxiety is inevitably worse the next day. I've only ever taken xanax when in full blown panic (about 5 times).
It's difficult to understand where my anxiety comes from. I've read many many books on overcoming it, I understand exactly what anxiety is but I am yet to beat it. It's hard to explain but I've got used to just accepting the anxiety is there and that I will engage in certain unhealthy behaviours to "help" with it. I am living my life in spite of it. But this is no way to live. I want to experience mental freedom, I feel trapped in a relentless cycle of deceptive brain messages telling me im gonna die, im gonna go red in front of people etc etc. It is not normal to not be able to exercise without thinking I will die. Its not normal to not be able to approach girls and go on dates with them because of anxiety about not knowing if they will like me. I am living a half-arsed life. Missing out on many experiences.
The approach I've taken since I started to look into my anxiety more is that I can beat it on my own without medication. I cleaned up my diet, began exercising but yet to quit drinking at weekends. But i'm not sure it's enough. I was prescribed an SSRI 3 months ago but my mind is in a constant tug of war over whether I should take it. I do not want to lose my ability to orgasm as I've heard somewhere. I do not want brain zaps. But I do want to be cured. Can SSRI's help me? Are they worth it? Is there ever a way out of anxiety?
If anyone has any advice at all with regards to my anxiety that would be really appreciated. Thanks for reading.