intrusive thoughts or not??

[naomi_96]

I have been diagnosed with OCD and I'm currently on a waiting list for CBT. I experience intrusive thoughts and have done for quite some time of the more violent and sexual nature which always left me very depressed and distressed but those have calmed down as of late. However recently something else has been distressing me which I'm not sure if it's actually OCD or not. I've been experiencing unwanted thoughts about me attention seeking. I have other problems as well as the OCD and I have thought that I wanted to go to hospital and if I knew how to go about voluntarily putting myself in one then I would because I often feel unable to cope and like I can't carry on for another day and sometimes hurt myself and consider doing hurting myself more permanently but usually the thought of my family stops me but each time I think about it, it feels like I get closer to doing it because I really want to. Recently I've been getting thoughts like 'I'm really okay', 'I just want to go in hospital for sympathy or attention' or 'I'm only doing this to feel special'. I don't think deep down this is true because I've tried so many times to tell my counsellor the full extent of my illness but find it unbelievable hard to do so even when I took 14 aspirin as a self harming method and felt very ill. Sometimes I've hurt myself as a cry for help because I find it so hard to verbally ask for help with my anxieties and I give myself such a hard time over it because I get thoughts that I was doing it for attention but I think I was doing it for help because I tried going to people and it didn't work but my doubts creep in and make me hate myself. I think to myself that I am just seeking attention or romanticizing than I must be a truly horrible person and it causes me more self hatred. It all started of with the hospital thought but on the days when I feel a bit better I think, 'maybe I'll be okay without hospital' but on the really dark days I feel like I can't get through it but if I was really wanting it all for attention wouldn't I want to be put in hospital all of the time? I'm really confused and distressed and I started noticing some of the OCD cycle with these thoughts like rapid unwanted thoughts and then ruminating and trying to prove to myself that it's not true only to relieve the thoughts momentarily and then for them to come back again. I know reassurance seeking isn't good but I'm just not sure if it even is intrusive thoughts to know if I should handle them like one so I was just wondering if anyone has any input or experience that may help? I'm feeling so horrible about this and like I deserve to die and any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

[MyNameIsTerry]

I have GAD, depression and various forms of OCD (many of which I've reduced or stopped now) and I can understand some of what you are saying.

When my anxiety flares up I will get to the point where I think I should just be locked up in a hospital & drugged up to the eyeballs so I don't know my own name anymore. This is really because I just want the anxiety to stop though.

When my mood drops, I tend to find myself experiencing thoughts that I woukd better off dead. I wouldn't do it because I've got a family but I've often thought I would if I didn't. I've found myself looking at the A roads I'm walking along and thinking "just let that lorry fly off and hit me". Again, its because you don't want to feel like this anymore.

In both cases its like you have reached a limit and can't take any more. Then it will drop off and I will feel a bit guilty about all this which just adds more issues.

It sounds like you have some issues with self esteem because there is an element of self loathing going on. Then you have the guilt because you are judging yourself as a bad person to think this way.

Could it be that it builds into an unbearable level and thats when these thoughts come? Then you hit low moods because you feel bad about theese thought patterns?

You could try Mindfulness for this as it teaches a non judgemental view of thoughts, feelings & sensations. I found it helped me with the intrusive thoughts and helped break up the cycles.

When you go for CBT they will ask you to fill in questionnarries and one of these will be about potentially harming youself. I would advise you to be open about this. I always used to say that I often felt life wasn't worth living but I wouldn't do anything to end things because of my family. I'm sure that is a common thought process when you are pushed to the limit like this but you do need to make them aware because yours is also escalating into physical actions.