Health Anxiety...I'm coming to get you...

[Mondie]

Well I have suffered with health anxiety for the past 10 years, since my Grandmother had a series of strokes and died. It escalated when my Dad was misdiagnosed and ended up dying from kidney cancer.

I have tried to overcome it on several occasions, have had CBT 3 times but nothing has seemed to enable me to stop thinking the way I do.

Well I had my first child 2 years ago and my anxiety went through the roof in terms of the pregnancy as I had high blood pressure and I was so paranoid that something would go wrong. It didn't we were both fine.

I now have an intense fear that my 2 year old son has autism (see previous post for details) and I have ruined his 2nd birthday, our first foreign holiday and numerous other events because I can not stop checking him for signs of autism. I realised yesterday that I am actively stopping him from doing things that make him happy as I am scared people will think that he is autistic. It is exhausting, I am tired. I feel like a rubbish Mum.

So today I pledge to make it stop, I refuse to let my anxieties ruin his little life. I do not want him to realise that I am not well and I certainly do not want him to get any of my anxieties. I do not wish that on him...

I have made an appointment with a private therapist for tomorrow night and I am determined that I can and will get better.

Thanks for reading!

[skippy66]

Congrats, you are halfway there.

Although I don't believe you need a therapist, it can't do any harm.

[MrAndy]

well done mondie seeking help is the start of your recovery journey

[Primula]

I think a good therapist can be really helpful. You can do it yourself but it is lovely to have someone who is impartial and can point you in the right direction. Especially when friends and family are sick of listening to you. Just wondering why you think therapy isn't needed Skippy?

[Mondie]

I think the reason I need to see a therapist is that I internalise everything and need to be able to talk through my feelings and fears. I have tried to 'go it alone' but failed as my irrational side of my brain is by far the more dominant.

I see the therapist tonight and I'm apprehensive, not sure how this is going to unfold. All I do know is I can't carry on feeling/thinking this way.

[Mondie]

well i went to the therapist and it was good. Looks like some work is needed, but i knew that anyway...

my husband hasn't asked me one thing about how i got on. My anxiety is through the roof and we have just argued about our son again.

i feel really low and unsupported, my husband has said some pretty horrible things tonight. Don't Know how I'll forget them...

[Primula]

Come on Mondie, you can do this. Your husband is probably scared and doesn't know how to help you, so he lashes out. I Know it's difficult, but try not to tell him how you are feeling about your son. Share that with you counsellor instead. It's a form of reassurance seeking when you tell your husband or google. It's hard but try not to do it as it feeds your anxiety. The more you resist the easier it will get. :)

Another suggestion is to arrange a quiet time together, where you can explain to him, you know you are being irrational, and that's why you are seeking help. Tell him you will do your best not to keep on about your worries, although you might sometimes slip up. It's very difficult for people who have never suffered with anxiety to understand what it's like.

[Mondie]

Thank you Primula for replying. Trouble I have is this...I know I'm irrational about lots of things, my health especially. However, I do not think I'm being irrational about my son but because of my HA my husband won't even talk to me about it as he thinks it's in my head again.

[Derekmiller]

The `horrible` things are usually said out of seer frustration and never are meant.

Believe it or not I have said horrible things to myself and about others because of issues I have. :blush:

[Primula]

Hi Mondie, there isn't anything urgent you need to do about your son at the moment. As others have said, if there is anything amiss, it will be picked up when he start school. Even if he is autistic it doesn't mean that he wont have a good life.

You really can't diagnose him yourself, only a health professional can do that. Are you still under your Health Visitors care? I imagine you still are if your son is under school age. Why not have a word with her about your concerns.

When my son was two he started having odd behaviours, he wouldn't walk through a doorway, without first rubbing his knees, and making a strange little sound in his throat. There was a few other things I found a bit odd, but as time went on he stopped doing them. He is now 19 and 'normal' whatever that means.

It's ok having concerns about your kids, but I think you are worrying about something you really have no control over at the moment. As the Dalai Lama says "if a problem can be solved there is no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, worrying will do no good. "

[Mondie]

I know I'm being silly about this, just need to get a grip. Hate being this way xx

[Primula]

You are not silly, or crazy or any of those negative words we call ourselves. You are a loving, caring mother who's anxiety has gotten out of control through no fault of your own. I'm sure if you could get a grip you would. Don't be so hard on yourself about this. You have an anxiety problem and you are seeking help.

[Mondie]

Thanks for understanding, it's so difficult when everyone else around me just says I'm being stupid and unreasonable. I KNOW I am, I just can't help myself yet.

[luc]

Hi Mondie, I have 3 boys under eleven and I have been around a load of them over the past 11 years and I have seen some strange behavior. I was certain my best friends boy was on the autistic spectrum, he isn't. His behavior was textbook. He is now a happy go lucky 11 year old. This boy used to hit the ground and scream if my friend took a slightly different route - God I could go on.
Your husband sounds a lot like mine in terms of understanding of mental health. He used to get so fustrated with me. I used to get so fustrated with me. He was not kind to me. I was not kind to me. I am strong now, very strong. While I can understand how frustrating living with someone with HA or another mental illness I will no longer condone intolerance or rudeness. I am 'in discussions' with my sister in laws at the moment . Their mother has Alzheimer's and they have no understanding of her illness. They think she does things on purpose. I say to them, do you think your ex schoolteacher, card carrying Womens Institue mother wants to stand and shit herself in the living room in front of her grandson because she wants to be difficult !!!

[Mondie]

Thank you Luc and gosh good luck with your sisters in law, sounds like hard work x