Baby steps today

[lior]

Today I could barely get out of bed... struggling to start work.

I cried about my ex, which I don't do too often. Still got a lot of pain there to confront.

I managed to get out of bed to go and get a jumper, because I don't have enough warm clothes. I just have summer clothes, a cardigan and one light jacket. I left most of my things at my parents' house and I am not strong enough to see them yet. In the meantime it's getting colder and I miss my warm coat and boots.

Now I have a jumper and a mocha. I've started work but I can't concentrate. I've done about 45mins work in the last two hours.

Guilt if I don't work, spiralling anxiety if I do. I can't even breathe properly!

I am going to tell myself that I can come back to this thread to get through today, whenever I can't concentrate on work.

[MrAndy]

Hi Lior
so sorry you feeling so bad today,remind yourself to take only one day at a time.Ive been where you are many many times ,I went back to work and only gave 40-50% but it got me through the day and nobody noticed.Dont ever feel guilty about work when you are ill,work can wait believe me.
hang in there

[lior]

I literally have to take it one minute at a time! I would like to go to bed and not do anything. I need to remind myself to breathe. I seem to keep holding my breath.

I really feel like I have to tell the person I'm working for, I feel like I'm not getting enough done, and she's asking for too much from any normal person anyway.

[Tanner40]

Poor, congratulate yourself on getting out of the bed and getting to work. That is sometimes a major accomplishment, on it's own. I find that if I can just focus on one, single, work task, that it is helpful. Try focusing on what you are accomplishing and not on all of the other things that are uncompleted. That can cause you major anxiety alone.

Would you feel better if you told your boss? Is he/she the kind of person that would understand. If so, maybe that would help to take some of the pressure off of you.

[lior]

I don't know if she is the kind of person that would understand - she is so far away from understanding her own problems and doing something about them, that I don't think she has the necessary insight to deal with the situation. I think it would worry her to know how badly I'm doing, and I think she would feel guilty about how she has been throwing work at me. She want someone to throw work at. So I am a bit worried about telling her.

But yes, I am focusing on one task as much as I can. Coding and formatting stuff is easy enough and I can concentrate on that, but when it comes to writing something that sounds fun it's hard for me to know what to say.

[MrAndy]

I think you should talk to her and explain your situation ,it will help both of you in the long term

[lior]

My tummy hurts, my back hurts, I can't concentrate, I have too many demands on me, I feel shackled and I'm too scared to tell the person I'm working with about being depressed. It's not what she wants to hear.

[MrAndy]

balls to what they want to hear,you need to look after yourself and your employer also has a care of duty and should support you.

[lior]

Told her I had a health problem and we will talk about it on Monday after my CBT session. I will ask what to say in that session.

I didn't get a job I applied for, so that's it, I'm not waiting on any other applications I've submitted. I don't want to make any more applications either. Whether the start up I'm working for folds or not, I don't want to work. I can't make it through one day as it is. And I'm sure not going to get a job while I'm so depressed I can't think straight. I can't impress anyone the way I am now. I can't think for long enough to prepare properly. I got told I'm not experienced enough in the area of work, again, despite being previously told that direct experience was not necessary. FFS!! This keeps happening. I get interviewed for jobs I'm not qualified for - I even get persuaded to come for interview - then I don't get it because I'm not qualified. Something has to change!!