View Full Version : Top of the mountain - will I fall?
I've been having a fairly good relationship with my anxiety recently - we haven't had too many arguments & it hasn't visited too often. I've booked a holiday for next year (my first since I had to cancel one a couple of years ago because of panic attacks), and I've started feeling a little belief in the 'CBT for Panic' "they're just thoughts" mantra. I feel like I've been slowly climbing the mountain.
The trouble with mountain climbing though is eventually you have to reach the top, and face your hardest challenge. I think I'm there. I've agreed (foolishly?) to work away for two days to deliver some training. I'll come home between the two days, and the venue is 'only' around 1hr 45mins by road from my home, but for someone whose anxiety/panic has always (we're talking 17+ years) centred around being more than 30mins ish from home this is a big deal. As is letting my employer down. As is potentially going back to square one. As is just plain being trapped in a situation, and being out of reach of immediate safety.
Yes, I know this is catastrophising, and I'm reading my CBT4Panic booklet most evenings, but I'm still not sure I can do this, and I'm still not sure what the other side of the mountain will look like (or even if the mountain will just get steeper & steeper, even after all the emotional investment I will end up ploughing into this one activity). I sure would appreciate a little support, though :)
Think about all your positives over the past year...you have achieved so much! This time 2 years ago you would not be doing very many of the things you are doing now. You are a real inspiration. You can do this too! You never thought you would ever do a lot of the things that you are doing now so why not this one? Of course you can do it, I have faith in you :) Just feel the fear and do it any way the same as you have done with everything else. Think of it as one more thing to add to your growing positive list :)
---------- Post added at 23:07 ---------- Previous post was at 22:57 ----------
Oh and you won't fall off the mountain because you know how to stay grounded :) You might take a more risky path to get there but this will only help you to get to your destination quicker :)
Thank-you Annie. You're always so supportive & I'm so grateful to have you as a friend :)
It's a funny thing, isn't it? Today I went into town, ate lunch, went to Starbucks & didn't think anything of it. Look back 2 years & that would have been out of the question! I do believe more & more that "practice makes perfect" in overcoming this. On Monday for instance I was teaching for the first time since April. I was agonisingly anxious beforehand because I hadn't done it in so long (& because it's only my second academic year in teaching as you know) but once I got started I slowly calmed down, as if my brain acknowledged that it had been there before & nothing had happened, so I didn't need to fight or flight.
Maybe if I do enough jobs away from home I'll get used to it :) I just wish it was a bit easier in the short term! You know how it is: you get fixated on not being able to solve a particular problem, which you convince yourself will be THE THING that will stop you panicking. For example, I'm fixated at the moment about everyone else (parents, sister, husband) being at work & me having no-one to text/call if I just need a little reminder that I'm doing OK, or a bit of rational advice that I might have forgotten in the swarm of thoughts. I hope I won't need to, but it's like the 'worry stone' I carry with me - if I know I have it, I won't need it!
I'll be here if you want to send me a message so no need to worry about having no one to contact :) It is just the fear of the unknown and it is only unknown until you get there. I am going to Croatia soon and anxious about it but I WILL be fine when I get there and so will you because you are a person with determination :)
venusbluejeans
28-09-14, 00:10
“If you think you are beaten, you are;
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you'd like to win, but think you can't
It's almost a cinch you won't.
If you think you'll lose, you've lost,
For out in the world we find
Success being with a fellow's will;
It's all in the state of mind.
If you think you're outclassed, you are:
You've got to think high to rise.
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.
Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man,
But soon or late the man who wins
Is the one who thinks he can.”
In otherwords, don't think you are going to fall off that mountain or you will talk yourself into falling..... keep thinking positively andjust keep going :)
I'm feeling quite fed up about this this afternoon :( I've been busy this weekend, & am tired today after cooking, washing, cleaning etc. Plus I think I'm getting a migraine. I know all this is what is causing my low mood, but I'd give anything to be able to come up with a convincing excuse to get out of this work right now :(
You have given the reasons for the negativeness today yourself. You are very tired after a busy weekend and have migraine. Not a good time to be thinking about future plans. (When is this work happening...is it this week?).
Do something to relax this evening, have a nice bath and put your feet up and watch Downtown :) If you don't do this work would you regret later not doing it? I think you might but like I said lets forget about it for this evening because you need to rest and discuss it again when you are feeling less tired :) so...RELAX xx
I didn't manage to watch Downton (that's on tonight's agenda!) but hubby & I did walk over to the pub for dinner & the change of scene helped pick up my mood a bit. Though I'm still getting more nervous as the days pass (I have to go down to the site this Friday & next Wednesday) & I'm still exhausted today because I didn't sleep well (woke up at 5am & couldn't get back to sleep), I did manage to be a bit more rational & put the trip into better perspective last night:
- in August we took a week off work & went on some day trips with my family. I spent nearly every day that week away from home.
- each day we were out for at least 4 hours + travelling time.
- some of the places we went (the seaside being one) were at least the same travelling time from home as I will be on Friday.
- there were lots of crowds at each place
- I didn't panic. I enjoyed myself. I was sad to come home!
I'm going to try to focus on THIS, instead of the negative thoughts, ahead of Friday.
Now I'm going to go & have a nap!
i have exactly the same anxiety as you, been 30mins+ away from home has me panicking. Years ago i couldnt eat out in restaurants as i was so worried about been sick etc and how long it takes to get home. I've come along way with cbt and meds but i'm going to Italy this wknd and i am so anxious.
Great to hear those positives from you Elle-Kay :) Keep it up!
Thanks Annie :) My sister might be coming with me on Friday too, for company on the first trip, as it's an unknown to me.
Shopmad - I was the same a few years ago, too. I can't even think how long it was before I could eat a meal out. Birthdays were a nightmare. Now I go out for dinner without a second thought. Hopefully soon we'll both be able to say the same about travelling.
I know how you feel exactly. I've been at the top of the mountain now as long as I've been ill with anxiety now, and falling off of that top still worries me sometimes, yet here I am. At first being at the top and anxiety free feels so fragile and like it could break at any minute, but day by day that feeling fades and you feel stronger and more stable. Feeling good becomes your new normal. What gets us there is experience and evidence that we can do those things we used to dread, so new or different things seem scary, but while you've been at the top of the mountain, have you ever not been able to do something new? My guess is no. Going on this trip will be the same-- after all, you will still be the same person who goes out to dinner without a care in the world now. Why should it be any different in a different setting? Going through what you've been through has made an inner strength that we all underestimate because our anxiety and caution has told us to not trust it, but it kicks in when you need it, or comes to surprise you when you think you don't have it. That poem on the last page was perfect-- I am positive that you can do this without a problem. There is no evidence that you will fall off, because all you've been doing before is going up. The great thing is that the mountain can always keep going up, and even if you stumble a bit you can look up and see where you were before. Good luck with the trip, but you are going to be fine :) well done with the recovery and all your hard work, I know it isn't easy, but it's infinitely possible
Hi Elle,
Im sorry to hear about your worries!
What helps me a lot is trying to stay in the moment and trying to focus solely on dealing with myself.
I try to deal with myself and not the situation. After all this is all that I can deal with.
Remind yourself of all your past experiences, when you have left home before and dealt with yourself!
Best,
Jon
This is such a logical way of spelling it out Lyn, thank you. I hadn't thought of it like that before, but you're quite right: why would I be a different person and unable to cope in the same way, just by being in a different setting?
I'm feeling quite "twitchy" today, as Friday gets nearer, (and I almost wish I could fast forward time!), especially because my sister can't come with me anymore, but I'm trying to practice some CBT4Panic techniques rather than jumping straight to "I can't do this".
I know how you feel exactly. I've been at the top of the mountain now as long as I've been ill with anxiety now, and falling off of that top still worries me sometimes, yet here I am. At first being at the top and anxiety free feels so fragile and like it could break at any minute, but day by day that feeling fades and you feel stronger and more stable. Feeling good becomes your new normal. What gets us there is experience and evidence that we can do those things we used to dread, so new or different things seem scary, but while you've been at the top of the mountain, have you ever not been able to do something new? My guess is no. Going on this trip will be the same-- after all, you will still be the same person who goes out to dinner without a care in the world now. Why should it be any different in a different setting? Going through what you've been through has made an inner strength that we all underestimate because our anxiety and caution has told us to not trust it, but it kicks in when you need it, or comes to surprise you when you think you don't have it. That poem on the last page was perfect-- I am positive that you can do this without a problem. There is no evidence that you will fall off, because all you've been doing before is going up. The great thing is that the mountain can always keep going up, and even if you stumble a bit you can look up and see where you were before. Good luck with the trip, but you are going to be fine :) well done with the recovery and all your hard work, I know it isn't easy, but it's infinitely possible
---------- Post added at 15:29 ---------- Previous post was at 15:26 ----------
Thank-you Jon. Yes, you're right I think - I mustn't let my mind spiral into the 'what if?' trap of imagining every possible scenario. I don't know what will happen & should just focus on what I do know, I.e. the positive experiences I have.
Hi Elle,
Im sorry to hear about your worries!
What helps me a lot is trying to stay in the moment and trying to focus solely on dealing with myself.
I try to deal with myself and not the situation. After all this is all that I can deal with.
Remind yourself of all your past experiences, when you have left home before and dealt with yourself!
Best,
Jon
Had one of my nice but all-too-rare "bring it on!" moments this evening. It won't last sadly (and it's a shame the trip isn't tomorrow!), but it felt quite good for a few minutes to be feeling a little bit invincible :)
I went out for dinner last night with friends, unexpectedly. I was going to decline, thinking "I better not risk it - if I panic while I'm out tonight it will ruin my mental preparation for Friday", but decided it was best to go through with it. I did feel quite anxious after our meal (I think it was triggered by everyone else saying how full they felt, which made me think about how full I felt), but I did stay, and had a nice evening generally. I just hope my mind won't choose to dwell on the anxious feelings on Friday morning.
I hope no-one minds me updating this with my thoughts by the way. I sort of find that it helps to say/write things when I'm over-thinking them, so they're "out there".
I think it is good that you are sharing your thoughts :) Keep them positive :) You did very well last night going out for the meal x
Mood has changed already. I can't do this :( I don't even *want* to do *any* of this anymore. Why can't I just stay at home where I'm happy, instead of pushing myself to do things which make me unhappy?
The night before the morning after...? I expect no-one would believe me, but I actually don't feel altogether well (and I definitely know the difference between anxiety & unwell after all this time). Think I might be getting a cold - I'm tired, headachey, my glands are up & I'm getting stomach cramps. Not good timing. Going to watch 'Who do you think you are' then go to bed I think. There's a programme on about Blenheim at the same time that I'd like to watch, but I think I'll leave that for a 'treat' when I get back.
Mood has changed already. I can't do this :( I don't even *want* to do *any* of this anymore. Why can't I just stay at home where I'm happy, instead of pushing myself to do things which make me unhappy?
How do you know it will make you unhappy? What if you really enjoy it?
Every time I go on holiday I think "Why do I put myself through all this stress?" but I always enjoy the holiday. It is the anticipation and the fear of the unknown before that gets me in a state, not the actual thing I am doing. I put myself through it again and again but you know what...each time gets a little bit easier. I fly to Croatia on Sunday and I actually feel calmer this time because I have pushed myself to do it a few times before, even to the point of crying all through the airport. The only way to beat it is to do it :)
However if you are feeling physically unwell, not anxiety related then that is not so good :( Have a nice hot bath, a couple of painkillers and hopefully you won't be feeling so bad tomorrow but if you are worse physically then maybe you will have to cancel. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
Fitful night's sleep. Taken some Diazepam (cop out, I know). Remembered the Sat Nav at the last minute. Just about to get in the car. Wish me luck (or pray for a miracle?)
I hope it is going well for you...you have shown a lot of courage in doing it x
I didn't feel that I wanted to update this until now, because my trip last week didn't go as well as I might have hoped. I did make it to the venue, and I did stay for 2 hours, but it all got too much in the end, I panicked (mentally at least - I didn't really have many of the typical physical symptoms, but was hugely frightened of this happening, which I think is still panic) and had to excuse myself and come home. I felt very ashamed and guilty about this, and was terrified of the backlash, but actually people were nice about it, and were just concerned to find out if I had recovered.
I had absolutely NO intention of going back for the second part of the project last week, but when it came up at work on Monday I made a spur of the moment decision and agreed to go through with it. The second trip was today, and the short version is: I did it! I did feel very anxious beforehand, I did have 4 or 5 waves of 'proper' panic (mental and physical symptoms) where I was dying just to get up and leave, but I made myself stay put, and although it was hard I'm now glad I did.
I even managed to stop on the way home and have a drink and something to eat (it's pretty unheard of for me to be able to sit in a cafe/restaurant and eat something while I'm away from home), and I had a little chuckle to myself while on the road as a Bon Jovi song with the following lyrics came on the radio - very apt!
"It's our big chance, I'm calling you now
We'll never go unless we try
I'm tired of living just to die
We're getting out of here, destination anywhere".
I intend to do more exposure therapy now, in a more controlled way, to try to make future events like this easier.
A huge well done to you although I never doubted you could do it because you are a determined young lady. :)
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