been a weird week ... trauma symptoms back

[swgrl09]

I haven't had time to come on here much the past week or so because of my new job. It's actually probably good for me to be busy and working. I do enjoy the job.

I've been going to a new therapist who is actually quite good. This week was weird however. We started off talking about my Health Anxiety and really hashing out what it's like for me. Then out of nowhere I couldn't stop thinking about a past sexual trauma and never thought my HA was related to it - clearly thought it was JUST related to my mom dying of cancer and her having HA all her life. But kept popping into my mind that HA protects me from lots of things...

So we start talking about this trauma I had a few years ago ... and I felt things about it that I hadn't felt since the day it happened. I don't know why either because I had a good therapist I saw before for it and saw her for over a year and a half. We did EMDR, CBT, and family therapy. I actually finally felt less angry at the person who hurt me the past few months and thought I was more at peace with myself.

So it felt like it was out of nowhere. I felt sick to my stomach talking about it and like I was living it all over again. I went home and tried to get on with life, but the next day (yesterday) I got home and fell apart. My husband tried to be romantic with me and I just got so triggered. I started crying and telling him how I felt, which was really hard for me to do. These are feelings I have kept to myself since it happened and he was really supportive.

After I just felt so shaken up and just not right, like raw almost. I had trouble sleeping and was distracted all day at work today. Now I am home and I didn't go to the gym because I just wanted to be alone. I feel so drained and still feel raw. I feel really depressed too. My husband is gone now on a business trip until Monday. Part of me

I don't really know what to do about this. I have therapy again in 2 weeks, but she said I could call her if I need to. However, working as a therapist myself, I don't want to bother her - even though I know she wouldn't say that if she didn't mean it. I just feel so raw and depressed. I am trying to be patient with myself, but I feel really icky.

[Oosh]

Well I'd imagine having to relive it again has just triggered some of the old feelings associated with it. That's undestandable. But it's about how you react to this when it happens.

I know a bit about reliving painful past experiences. They can just leave you feeling much lower self esteem in an instant. But it's not a knockout blow. You're not being sent reeling without any control over your moods. You have a new way to see now you're older with more experience/s. You have a new way to see and a new mood you can quickly get back to.

Moods are made up of ingredients. Your recent more desirable mood was built on what ?
Your lovely husband.
Furthering your career.
Crappy jobs you're glad to have gotten out of.
Better jobs you're glad to have found your way into.
Etc etc

They've all come together to create the mood you were in before you remembered this painful past memory.

So now react strongly to this and swiftly get back to how you were feeling.

First a positive conclusion to that whole memory.
Show understanding with yourself and recognise how far you have come in your life and what you have achieved since.
You're older and stronger now, more experienced, more able to navigate through these things and back into the mood you were in.

Now keep reminding yourself of all the ingredients that made up your better recent mood and self esteem.
Your achievements
The people who love and like you
Your goals
The recent successes you've had
What you're good at
What you enjoy

And you BOUNCE BACK.

It's hit you, it's shaken you ,you put a healthy slant on it all that leaves you stronger and feeling good about yourself then submerge yourself in the ingredients of your more recent good moods.

Navigate these things. You know they have a tendency to kick your self esteem into the dirt but you navigate them superbly now.

Be proud of how quickly you can bounce back to feeling the you of NOW after these things.

It came, gave you a wobble, you're too strong now, you shrug it off and get right back to being you.

Navigating it well like this each time weakens it until it loses its power. It'll become a fleeting thought you instantly forget.

(Sorry if I've repeated myself there. I've had a virus all week and my brains not working properly yet)

[swgrl09]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply - especially since you have been sick this week (Hope you are feeling better). There is so much in that post that I took away from.

I really like the idea of creating a positive conclusion to the memory. I am trying to not push the feelings away, to sit with it and really be understanding and compassionate with myself. And then, like you said, reminding myself of who I am now and what I have accomplished since.

You are right, I have had a lot of good things happen recently and it was nice to just live in it. I have been so upset to feel this shaken, but I know it is something I have to get through to really feel better. It won't be as bad as when it first happened - that's simply not possible. I have to be kind to myself and do some healing.

I think the most important thing is not pushing it away. I think you are right that each time I go through the process you wrote about it will get easier and happen faster. I just got caught very off guard by how real it felt all over again.

Thank you again for your really wonderful reply.