relationship with other people and testing them

[Josh21]

Hi,

Bit of a long post but really need some people's thoughts on this as it's affecting me alot recently. Thank you.


I've always felt like the afterthought or second choice with people. They would only contact me if they have no one else or nothing else to do etc.

As a result i've always wanted someone that would put me first, a best friend of sorts who would say i'm their best friend too and be the first thought in their mind if they are arranging to go out for example.

One thing that I do is that I end up 'testing' people to see where I stand with them. For example if i'm always intiating i'll wait to see if they initiate conversation also i.e text. To me if they don't I know where I stand with them. Same if they take ages to reply to a text and do it often.

I'm not sure if this is the best thing to do, one person I know said you need to build the relationship up first and then you will get the connection you seek. However this is where the problem arises. I always feel i'm close to this person and really i'm not, i jump the gun so to speak and not sure how to resolve it. Maybe i'm just so desperate for close relationships that I want it too quickly.

But recently i've been more cautious with people and for one work mate I still feel I'm being let down. We share alot and says she's always there for me when I need help yet when i'm feeling down she doesn't really seem concerned. She may ask me how I am as she will notice i'm down but if I say nothing is wrong (i'm v. reluctant to share my feelings) she wont ask me again. Am I being too harsh on her?
I judge people based on what I would do in the same situation you see, if I was her, i'd keep asking the person whats the matter even if they say there nothing wrong and persist in asking.

But maybe we aren't that close, I dont have many people in my life yet she does so they way she sees me if different to how I see her as a friend i.e i'm just a workmate to her yet to me shes a close friend.

I'm not sure if its just my inexperience with people and anxiety making me overly paranoid or i'm justified on what i'm thinking.

Thx for reading.

[Dazza123]

Judging people based on the things you would do Josh will leave you heading for a fall, we are all different you see, and some of us a lot more sensitive than others.

I am a bit like you, the problem is, if you constantly feel let down by these 'friends' you are in danger of isolating yourself because you feel they don't care about you, so you wont care about them or bother with them etc.

Just try to give your friends more of a chance, if you are not feeling too good, and they ask, tell them. Instead of saying 'im fine' say something like you are not feeling too great at the minute and could do with some help picking yourself up, you are then giving them the opportunity to do something about it with you and to help you :)

[Charlotteee89]

I go through periods of doing this, I'm a massive over-thinker and analyzer anyway so having anxiety makes it 10x worse.

But it is normal to want to feel wanted, needed and cared about and when we don't feel like others are making the effort it is normal to feel down about it. Friendship is such a normal, yet complicated thing. I am also seeking or wanting friendship, I only have a few friends and I can get anxious and down about it but that's only because of my anxiety.

It's also a confidence thing too for me, if I was more confident I wouldn't be such an analyzer and wouldn't feel the need to test people. I also would be more independent.

[Sunflower2]

A lot of the time people tend to wrapped up in their own worlds and wouldn't have even imagined that they had offended you, or thought it seemed they didn't care about you. This will tend to give you a warped sense of what people think because you're using their behaviours and actions rather than their true thoughts to work out how much they care about you. For example someone might have not asked you how you were, but maybe they were distracted or had their own problems or just forgot, but doesn't necessarily mean they don't care about you. People in general think about themselves first, and then about others. To look after others you first need to be able to look after yourself.

You need to build confidence in yourself rather than measure it against what other people may or may not think of you. Not everyone will be nice and genuine, (even though a lot are very very kind!!) but by having confidence in yourself it will protect you when someone not so nice does come along. By constantly testing people for their level of care and commitment towards you, you will only judge your self worth on others opinions.

[HalfJack]

I think everyone does it now and then, no need to feel bad about it, I'd just recommend trying not to. It's a negative thing to do and probably part of a cycle worth breaking out of.
Feeling lonely sucks. It's been a long time since I was close to anyone and I really miss that connection. It's really natural to want that, it would be weird if you didn't.

Expecting people to know "I'm fine" means "I'm not ok" is not a good plan. Plus they might know you're not fine, but think that you don't want to talk about it. If you want help/to talk/a hug/advice the best way to get it is to ask for it. As John Green always says "Use your words!"

[Josh21]

Thx everyone for replying!



Just try to give your friends more of a chance, if you are not feeling too good, and they ask, tell them. Instead of saying 'im fine' say something like you are not feeling too great at the minute and could do with some help picking yourself up, you are then giving them the opportunity to do something about it with you and to help you :)

I agree thats the right thing to do but i'm so stubborn with this testing thing it is like they are only helping me because I asked and therefore it is like they don't really want to help at all.




Friendship is such a normal, yet complicated thing.

Tell me about it Charlotte ! I havent had close friends for years now so I guess i'm a bit rusty when it comes to this sort of thing and what to expect and how to act around people.



You need to build confidence in yourself rather than measure it against what other people may or may not think of you. Not everyone will be nice and genuine, (even though a lot are very very kind!!) but by having confidence in yourself it will protect you when someone not so nice does come along.

The problem is I don't know how else to gain confidence apart from other people, I guess thats why I do what I do.



Expecting people to know "I'm fine" means "I'm not ok" is not a good plan. Plus they might know you're not fine, but think that you don't want to talk about it.

Yes you are/were right.
The co-worker I mentioned in my original post spoke to me again few days ago. She asked again how I am and told her things that have upset me and told the truth about feeling ignored/unwanted. But did it in a way where I didnt have a go at her but explained it was my own anxiety making me feel this way which I know deep down is the truth.
She said she was reluctant to ask and probe me earlier as she thought I may not want to talk about it. One of things that hurt me was that she didnt pester me per. se and find out whats wrong. Didn't cross my mind that she didnt as she thought I may not want to talk about it. Feel so stupid and also annoyed that my anxiety seems to cloud out rational obvious thoughts and just sends me down the wrong road. But then I dont know if i'm being irrational or not and thus may regret my next action.

I'm starting again to get the same abandoned/ignored thoughts but i'm trying to fight them and use this experience.

[HalfJack]

It's good to know you were able to push past it a little. Keep going :)
I'm the same way, working through the same stuff myself. "It's the illness, not intuition." probably one of my most common mantras.