This started off as one thing....

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Up until I became ill I was always fairly passive: in science experiments at school i'd sit back and let everyone else do the work; if a job needed doing at home, i'd put it off and put it off; if somebody upset me I would sulk rather than telling them about it; I didn't really go out of my way to do anything socially, I went to work, came home and sat in front of the tv. I now recognise how unhealthy that attitude has been for me and i'm proactively trying to change it.

I've also been very fearful too: I've got a degree, but I fell into factory work because I didn't want the responsibility of a 'thinking job'; if people were going out clubbing, I decided to stop at home because i couldn't really ley myself go, i was afraid of trouble breaking out and it scared me being 'far' away from home at night; I've always told myself that I can't do world travel because I'm afraid....I know too that those are attitudes that I need to change. I can think of 3 occasions when I was younger when i was really brave: 1) choosing to go to a 'good' high school rather than the rubbish one where all my friends were going to 2) having the courage to go to uni 200 miles away from home and 3) we were on an adventure sports holiday when I was at primary school and nobody wanted to do the abseiling, but I volunteered to go first and came down it like someone out of the SAS!!

It upsets and annoys me that something like the cross channel ferry terrifies me so much. I've been on it a few times and I always get panicky and feel like i have an urge to throw myself off. Exposure therapy is not helping me to get over that phobia. I know that I need to change my attitudes. I do get really wound up that these thoughts only seem to occur to me, wherea everyone else on the boat is fine. I guess it's because I'm a depressive and i obsess about the worst thing that could happen.

I'm finding that doing the things that scare me isn't enough to rid me of my phobias. I've been over Runcorn bridge a few times and even if I cross it once successfully, i'm still as panicky the next time. I guess I think in 'law of averages' and say to myself "ok, something bad didn't happen last time, but sooner or later something bad has got to happen, so it might be this time!"

To get to the point, when I became ill I was feeling panicky that:I was in financial crisis; hat I'd let my friends and family down by behaving selfishly and by getting myself into such a mess;that an important relationship to me was ending;that I'd lost a lot of friends;that my career was going nowhere; that I was going to have to move from London back home, a place where I had no friends and which I found very depressing.....I was at panic stations because I felt really bad about myself, i was concerned what other people thought of me and because it seemed like I'd made a really big mess of everything and it was all ruined.

The reality of the situation turned out to be that I paid everyone back in about 6 months; the relationship and London played havoc with my ego and were destructive for me; my true friends stuck by me; coming home has given me an opportunity to get to know my family all over again, to see my young nephew growing up, to assess where I want to go with my life more coolly, to develop a better relationship with my home town and to create new friendships. I've now got a job that is in the field that I trained in, I've got lots of interests on the side, I'm financially much better off......most of the issues that caused me to have a breakdown are now resolved or are being resolved much better than I could have imagined.

The problem for me is that the depression, anxiety, agoraphobia and everything else are still lingering a) because I've been more stressed out than you'd believe and it takes a long, long time to unwind from that and b) because I've gone from being anxious about my status in life to having existential angst and I can't help thinking about life, the planet, my body....it's not walking into town as such that scares me, it's becoming overwhelmed with thoughts

[groovygranny]

You haven't gone on at all - I think your post may be an inspiration to quite a few of us!

What a mammoth achievement, and what a constructive attitude toward life. I wholeheartedly agree with you, and believe that the lingering 'thorns in our side' which we are left with when we manage to get over the 'hump' of our illness can be used to spur us on toward the goal not just of recovery but the peace which comes from accepting that our lives, and maybe even our personalities, have changed because of it. And for the better! :)

Thank you and well done!

Lotsa luv

GG [:P]

xxx



'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

[matilda]

I believe a lot of our problem stem from the fact that were thiners.the only time i have respite is when i am too busy to worry!!!

[vivtwins]

Wow what an interesting story you have told and I can relate to alot of what you say. Can I ask how old you are? Also do you take any medication? Did you see that House of Agoraphobics programme?

I suffer quite mildly really compared to some. I have the citralopram in the cupboard but I have yet to take it. I will go out and do things because I can't bear to miss out but I can also relate to how easy it is to take the easy way and not challenge yourself at all. I can also relate to the death and age scenarios too. I am 36 and I am so sure that I will beat my anxiety and 'sort' myself out by the time I'm 40. Will I do that, I don't actually know but I know one thing is for sure, I will not let my anxiety beat me.

I hope you found some comfort in writing all that down and I hope you can find alot of support on here.

Take care

Viv xxx

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Thanks for your feedback guys. I'm 30. I came back from London feeling very poorly and I only really went out with my dad socially for about a year. I then met another girl and that was a very difficult, stressful relationship . The relationship in London and the one back at home were huge factors in my depression and anxiety. I'm now very comfortable with being single and doing the things that I want to do on my own or with friends.

I took Prozac for about 4 months about 3 years ago and I had some really awful side effects with it. Since then I've decided not to take medication.

I did see the House of Agoraphobics programme and I thought it was very interesting that agoraphobia was defined as "an illness that prevents your from doing things because of the fear of panicking" rather than the fear of going outside. In that case, I have agoraphobia as open spaces, hills, bodies of water, heights, bridges, motorways, being away from home, blood......most things cause me to feel anxious and panicky, although it's more anxiety and depression rather than full blown panic these days thankfully.

You have the right sort of attitude Viv, although I find it unhelpful putting time limits on getting better. I thought i'd be alright again within 6 months and that was 4 years ago! I was due to get married next year and, when it was arranged (a couple of years ago), I thought that i'd be fine by now and able to fly on honeymoon or to drive up to scotland to get married. What I actually found is the pressure of getting better by a certain time actually made me feel worse rather than better. Although, saying that, you do have to push yourself. I've corresponded with Simon from House of Agoraphobics via email and it seems to be that he has reverted back to how he was because he has no imperative to go outside, whereas the Indian lady had to do it to save her marriage and the other lady HAD to take her kid to school because no one else would.

Thanks for your posts too groovygranny and matilda. Distraction is a very useful tool and we do have to try and take the positives out of this experience.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[neonpink_smurf]

The problem for me is that the depression, anxiety, agoraphobia and everything else are still lingering a) because I've been more stressed out than you'd believe and it takes a long, long time to unwind from that and b) because I've gone from being anxious about my status in life to having existential angst and I can't help thinking about life, the planet, my body....it's not walking into town as such that scares me, it's becoming overwhelmed with thoughts of how big the world is all around me, the futility of life....etc.

The above part of your post is completely explains how i feel now.. overanalysing life, death, the universe and everything.. Its really irritating as i can't get the answers to these questions.. how do you stop yourself thinking about them?

[Piglet]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> I do get really wound up that these thoughts only seem to occur to me, wherea everyone else on the boat is fine. </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Are you quite sure about that hun?? I was stood on a balcony a few years ago with a non anxious friend who suddenly asked if we could wander off now, as she kept feeling like she might throw herself off it and asked me not to laugh!! Who moi!!!:D




<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">The problem for me is that the depression, anxiety, agoraphobia and everything else are still lingering a) because I've been more stressed out than you'd believe and it takes a long, long time to unwind from that and b) because I've gone from being anxious about my status in life to having existential angst and I can't help thinking about life, the planet, my body....it's not walking into town as such that scares me, it's becoming overwhelmed with thoughts of how big the world is all around me, the futility of life....etc.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Yep I get these feelings from time to time too!!


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Maybe now I think much more about what death must feel like and I flap because I don't want to be gone forever, there are so many things that I want to do and places that I want to see. Maybe now I think of death much more as a reality (and the world for that matter) rather than some abstract concept and that's why I find it so scary.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

There are many that believe we are on an eternal journey through life and what we don't accomplish in this life we will in the next - when you look at things like that it takes away the need to rush at things so much doesn't it!!

I think one of my goals for this year maybe to try and enjoy the journey without thinking about the destination so much.:D

Hugs

Piglet :) x

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Hi Piglet,I'm terrible with heights too and always have been. This illness really pisses me off because I'd find it very difficult to go up the Eiffel tower or to go up in a hot air balloon because I'd have a terrible urge to jump out. It would be hard for me to enjoy a cruise or sailing because I'd have an urge to throw myself overboard. I feel deprived.

I know that the urge to throw myself off things is to do with the flight part of the fight or flight response and it must also be to do with me wanting to get the worst thing that I can think of out of the way, so as to dissipate the tension that I feel, so that I can relax and get on with things. When I was at high school I had to take a tray of cups from the canteen to a meeting room for a group of pensioners. As I reached a set of doors I could picture myself dropping the tray (visualising the worst), as I got to the door I almost involuntarily dropped the tray on the floor. Maybe I had to get it out of the way and realise that it wasn't so bad to be able to take a second tray up to the pensioners? That sort of thing is all sort of tied in with being brought up under a lot of pressure from my family, who'd say things like "don't screw this up", "you're useless" or a favourite saying of my gran's "you're shaping like a man with no hands". Their seemingly complete lack of faith in me subsequently meant that i became very clumsy.

I do try to reassure and praise myself and I know that there are loads of things that I've done really well, but my self-confidence is actually pretty low. The anxiety makes me feel even more depressed because I feel that it really limits my life. At the moment I find it very difficult to leave my home town: national, continental or global travel is unthinkable, yet I would really love to travel. Hearing other people talk about their travels does make me feel jealous and inferior. I feel jealous and inferior that most people either that I went to school or college with seem to have decent, professional jobs and I've spent the biggest part of my life since Uni working in factories. I feel jealous and inferior that a lot of my contemporaries have their own homes and children. I feel jealous that they are settled in long term relationships.

I know that things are very often not what they seem and that a lot of those people probably feel trapped by marriage, kids and a mortgage but, for my self-esteem, I need to start achieving a bit of status and moving up in the world. I'm 30, single, living at home and I've only just got my first meaningful job.

On a positive note, I must be better off than ever before at the moment: I'm starting a new, very interesting job this month; I'm doing pretty well financially; I've got outside interests that I'd like to persue; I'm developing friendships; I'm understanding myself better; I'm getting closer to my brother and my nephew....Hopefully my new job at the school can help to give me stability and a day-to-day interest, because I've really been finding myself at a loose end recently and I've just lolled about as days and weeks have passed. I've never really had a 'proper' job before, a full-time position that i was interested in, so hopefully that can be a catalyst for me. I am a bit concerned about messing it up or having a bad attitude and arriving late a lot and stuff like that though.

I have pretty much always been depressed, but I think that it stems from fear and anxiety. I've always piled loads of pressure on to myself to impress my family and to make some sort of extraordinary mark in the world. My uncle has just made his second million and I've felt in many ways that I had to emulate him.

I'm always really tired and I've got big bags under my eyes. I've been tested for diabetes and thyroid and stuff, but they've come back normal. My doctor says that because I've had it for 10 years or more that it will be to do with stress and depression rather than anything physical. It does actually feel like my body and mind are really leaden and turgid rather than sprightly. I really do try and r

[Piglet]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> That sort of thing is all sort of tied in with being brought up under a lot of pressure from my family, who'd say things like "don't screw this up", "you're useless" or a favourite saying of my gran's "you're shaping like a man with no hands". Their seemingly complete lack of faith in me subsequently meant that i became very clumsy.

</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

I totally and utterly relate to that!!!!!

Hun anxiety is a pile of poo - I actually think you're more than capable of answering your own questions (just as I am) but it's our anxiety that makes us question our answers.

We must have faith in our ourselves, we really must!!!

Happy New Year mate :D

Piglet :)

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[Insomniac]

Hi there,

I can really identify with so many things in your post. Thinking of the worst that can happen, feelings about throwing yourself off things, not because you're suicidal but just to see, I feel the same about knives and sometimes avoid them altogether because I wonder what it would feel like to cut myself. Maybe the physical pain would be easier than the emotional pain. But I don't think I ever really would. My little girl is my main reason for keeping "normal" as much as I can.

You have written a lot of positive things in your post too. You have certainly come a long way in your journey to good health. You are able to socialise with friends and starting a new job you're looking forward to. Being comfortable with yourself and your own company is far more important than any other relationship.

And as for family having a lack of faith you..... don't get me started. I was ok apart from anything I said or anything I did was wrong or not good enough.

But despite all this (and if you've seen my other post its pretty bad for me and my family right now), I do believe in my heart that things will get better. That I will learn to control the anxiety rather than it controlling me.

Thanks for your post.


Lisa.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

[seeker]

Ye gads! And I thought it was just me had mad thoughts about life, death, the universe and stuff. I feel in a total catch 22 - terrified of dying, yet continually thinking about it instead of living my life! My anxiety/depression has come back to bite me on the arse, too. For the past five years, I have been fine - a little anxious in ssome situations, but I have moved round the country lots, had lots of good jobs, trained successfully to become a teacher, having a fabulous relationship. just about to get married and buy first house and wham! I feel more depressed than I ever have done before. I am hoping it is genuinely down to brain chemistry imbalance, and that ADs will help me feel more balanced. I also think maybe years of stored stress are coming out now that I am feeling relaxed and confident, if you see what I mean?! We bloody well can get through this and enjoy life again - I have decided to change career (again!) and book myself onto relaxation course and stuff. I find yoga and meditation really helpful, but find it hard to do on my own at home - will keep trying. This forum is great for reassuring me I am not alone! Also, I think anxious people are often more creative than non anxious people, and maybe we are the next step on the evolutionary ladder, snce so many of our problems stem from over thinking! For example, out for a walk the other day and I noticed the beautiful pine cones, the frost on the grass like a forest of ice in miniature, the sunshine, the green grass, the red and brown leaves, etc etc. My friend said 'yeah, it's a nice day'. That's what I'll keep telling myself, anyway!

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I've just realised that my natural reaction is to say 'no' to things. I was just thinking that because if someone asked me to be on big brother I would automatically say no. But, what should I be so afraid of? What's the worst that could happen? I'd probably learn a few things about myself and overcome a few of my hangups. Ever noticed that happy people tend to be the ones who are up for everything and aren't afraid of embarrassing themselves or facing challenges. It's an attitude that I'm trying hard to adopt. As the saying goes "when you stop feeling fear, you stop growing".

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

By the way, I'm gonna try this self-hypnosis thing from Paul Mckenna in a minute.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid246216535

In a knee-jerk reaction sort of a way, I've always been afraid of hypnosis, although intrigued, imagining that I'd be brainwashed by it, it would go wrong or that trying to relax would make me even more anxious....or even that my family would overhear it and tease me for being wierd.

I'm just going to dive in



Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[Piglet]

Go for it mate :D

Piglet x

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I tried it, but when I went to lie down and he was going on about breathing I started feeling panicky. Rather than give up all together, I sat up and listened to it. It was pretty good and now I'm quite enthusiastic about doing it for real! I'm actually trying to think of a way of setting some kind of trance/hypnosis thing as my alarm call in a morning when I'm half asleep!!!! Any ideas?


Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[Insomniac]

Glad to hear you're gonna give it a go. I have his change yr life in 7 days cd on MP3. The first time I listened, after putting it off for a week, I was really anxious. Worried about what might happen. But it was good and I find his voice really soothing. Whether it is that helping me or just overcoming it anyway, I am managing now to keep the anxiety under control more. It is still there, but I am more in control of it, rather than it in control of me! Stick with it. :D


Lisa.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.