Running Out Of Fight. It's Beating Me.

[Mdeasha]

I can feel lymph nodes in my neck and collarbone area, and a couple in my groin. They've been present for a couple of months with more continuing to pop up. They're all under 1cm. Have been told by a haematologist that they are too small to biopsy. I'm convinced I have a slow growing lymphoma. On top of that I've had problems with black eye floaters for months. I don't want to wait around for them to tell me that it's going to kill me. I wake up every morning and sob. This is no life anymore. I'm dropping out of my third year at university and my relationship with my girlfriend has broken down. My parents think I'm insane and won't listen to my concerns. I have no love for life and I don't think I can carry on. The dark thoughts are getting worse, they tell me the only option out of this is to throw myself into the River Mersey. I don't want to, but I'm afraid I can't control it anymore. This is a really shitty thing to post, I know. I'm sorry, I've just got nothing left.

[wnsos]

First of all, it's not shitty. It's always better to get these feelings out than in. I know these feelings of hopelessness too, I really do. Even before I had HA, I had the same feelings. I think we all do. You need somewhere to talk and that's what this place is for. What you have to try and think about is what you're afraid of. We're afraid of disease and we're terrified of dying. That's why we're like this, because we want to keep going. I really really hope you can get help soon. xx

[Mdeasha]

I'm not scared of dying, I'm scared of living my life knowing that something is going to kill me. I couldn't do it. I just can't see a way out anymore.

[wnsos]

That sort of is the same as being afraid of death. Do you have any mental health professionals you can talk to? There's always hope, it just doesn't always seem so. In fact it often seems the furthest thing but there is.

[Mdeasha]

I'm going to see my CB Therapist tonight. Hopefully it will help, never been this bad before.

[wnsos]

Keep us posted on how things go. I had a blip like that myself just two weeks ago. It's horrible and you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.