Everything's going wrong

[Insomniac]

Well I'm not sure where to post this, and hope it doesn't get too long, but I need to let off steam.

I've depression on & off for years. Came off meds about 5 years ago, then started anxiety 2 years later. Maybe I've been trying to hide the depression. We have had money worries for ages, sometimes worse and sometimes better, and I desperately want another child (we have one lovely girl), but we can't have any. We can't afford IVF and who would let someone as unbalanced as me adopt some poor child.

Hubby went self employed in the summer because the new manager at his work was a complete git. Trouble is we are now getting further and further into debt with rent arrears and horrible bank charges. I don't know how we will survive this. The strain is awful. And I am always trying to convince my family that we are OK really because they are so judgmental.

Hubby is well aware of my anxiety and is really supportive and doesn't seem to get fed up with me even when it means we miss out on things. Anxiety has not been too bad recently, though my meds have increased over the summer.

I don't see a way out of this situation and I feel like a pressure cooker that is about to explode!!!! [xx(] I know the anxiety is building up in me, and I am worried that it will result in the panic starting again big time... but don't know how to avoid it. I am also getting really depressed again (hardly surprising I suppose given the situation), and am worried about our daughter being affected by my depression. She is a caring little girl and seems to know when I don't feel good and wants to look after me, even though I don't talk to her about it. She's only 8 yrs old and I don't want her to worry more.

I sometimes tell her I am tired. Or I say I feel sad & tired. My mum always taught us that emotion should not be shown and I think thats a bad thing. I do show my sadness to my girl sometimes, when we miss people or something sad is on tv. I don't want her to be unable to deal with her emotions.

Sorry everyone that this has got really long. I know no-one can help me really, which is partly why I'm so down. I am trying to hand in there but the pressure is starting to scare me now.. :(



Lisa.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

[feels_like_home]

Hi Lisa,
I am sure things will get better soon. It is always good to talk about it so you can start to sort out your feelings. I hope you feel better soon. I am here if you need to talk.
Take care,
Michelle

[manmoor]

Big hugs for you Lisa hun. Hang in there. (((((((((HUGS )))))))))

Take Care

Mandyxx

[keepemlaughing]

Hi Lisa, I am raising three granddaughters. I know how it feels to be going through such a hard time emotionally and not want it to affect the kids. They knew instictively when I was anxious and depressed. I wish you the best this new years and for your money problems to disappear! Please feel free to write as long as you want. This is a great site for support.


Sheryl

Why stay in prison when the door is wide open?

[Insomniac]

Hi Sheryl, Mandy and Michelle

Thanks for your replies. Its good to know I'm not alone out here. Sometimes it feels like it. I know you can't solve the problems for me, and mostly I'm sticking my head in the sand because I can't cope with how it all makes me feel. But its nice to be able to talk instead of it just going around and around inside my head.

Your replies let me know that even though you can't help, someone is listening. Thanks.


Lisa.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

[bearcrazy]

Awww Lisa,

I am truly sorry that you are going through a bad time. Christmas is such a bad time for people who are struggling with debt. If it is as bad as you suggest, did you know that you can go to the citizens Advice Bureau and they have a debt counsellor who can help you.They will give advice without judging you. You dont have to be alone in this. I have been where you are Lisa and came clean with the bank. It was 5 years ago this Christmas. The bank were fantastic and the manager was so kind to me. My hubby was seriously ill in hospital and my kids who were 19 and 15 helped me deal with everything. 5 years on, while we are not wealthy by any means, we are really close as a family. My mum believed you should hide your feelings too and I think that is one of the reasons that I have struggled with depression. I hope that in 2007 things are better for you,

I will be thinking of you,
TC xxxxx

[matilda]

Really sorry to hear your feeling so down!!! Your little girl sounds a real sweetie.

Take care Love Matilda.

[jodie]

hi lisa

poor you i feel for you but when things are bad for me and i think it is never going to get better somthing good happens you know even if youu stress about it all it wont change a thing just try ride it all out and see what happens .
i to would love more kids well one but find it hard but i look at my little girl and thank god i have her as i have lost a little girl 6 years ago just think we are lucky to have what we have and what we dont have dont stress about .(hard i know).
hope you feel better soon and that next year is better for you .
jodie xx

[Insomniac]

Thanks everyone for your lovely replies. They really do help.

On a strangely brighter note, I got really panicky yesterday, hot & cold, dizzy, blurred vision, palpitations and shakes.... but I managed to get it all back under control, which made me feel more positive.

Even though I know I did it by just concentrating on 10 minutes at a time, the whole situation being too much for me. When I think about getting through the day a little at a time it really helps me cope and not be overwhelmed. So even though nothing has changed and I know I'm in denial, I am managing the panic which is a good thing.

Thanks for all your support.


Lisa.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

[Insomniac]

Ok... well I'm still here and still surviving. I am just about keeping control of the panic. It leaps up inside me sometimes and I go somewhere quiet and get it back under control. Taking small steps and only thinking about the next little bit of the day makes it easier.

I guess that the miscarriage I had when my daughter was small makes the inability to have more children feel worse. I also know how much support I get from my sisters and know my daughter will miss out on that. I suppose all the sadness gets tied together making you feel worse.

Maybe the finances are the straw that breaks the camels back. We are going to ask my hubby's sister for help tomorrow to clear our rent arrears at the very least. Otherwise our landlord will be asking us to move out very soon. They keep phoning asking for our next payment and my bank account has been frozen. I had to put back all the shopping in Sainsburys when I went because my card was refused. How's that for adding to supermarket stress!

Tomorrow I am also off to the bank to see if we can withdraw some money for petrol to get to work and to my sister in law's. Keep your fingers crossed for us please! I dread to think of telling my daughter that we have to leave our lovely home with its safe play areas and her friends too.


Lisa.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

[manmoor]

Fingers crossed Lisa hun (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) xoxo

Take Care

Mandyxx

[feels_like_home]

Hi Lisa,
I hope everthing goes well for you. Let us know how you are doing.
Take care,
Michelle

[Insomniac]

Thanks Mandy and Michelle.

I have been to the bank and managed to withdraw some cash luckily. Theough it took 3 members of staff and a phone call. But hey, at least I got some. How else can we buy food!

I'm in Wales now at my sister in law's house and she let me log on so I could check in with you guys. Thanks again for your support, knowing you are there really does help me. I know I keep saying it, but its so true.



Lisa.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

[feels_like_home]

Hi Lisa,
I'm happy to hear things turned out well. Like I said I am here to listen and support you anytime.
Take care,
Michelle

[Insomniac]

Thanks to everyone for all your support. It means so much just to know there are people out there who understand. [^]

My sister in law and her husband are able to help us, so this takes the pressure off a bit. And another positive note is the way I have managed to travel (4 hour journey) and deal with all the stress and emotion with a major panic. I have controlled it whenever it started. of course I had my Rescue Remedy, immodium, bottle of water and diazepam for emergencies. But I have controlled it myself! [8D]

Lets hope this year is going to be better than last. Another positive thing is my marriage is stronger than ever. This has brought us closer rather than ever. And he's so supportive and proud of all I have achieved in supporting him this weekend.




Lisa.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

[feels_like_home]

Hi Lisa,
You have accomplished a lot this year and it is just the start of a new year. It is so great that your husband is there to support you. It makes all the difference.
Take care,
Michelle

[Insomniac]

I am hopeful this year will continue the steady improvement. I know that Daryl is my greatest supporter and would certainly be lost with him and our daughter who is a constant ray of sunshine! :D:D

Thanks for your support.


Lisa.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

[keepemlaughing]

Hi Lisa,
I haven't checked in for a few days so I just now read all of your additional posts. I am so happy that your siser-in-law was able to help. You sound like you have a lot of love in your family and the fact that you and your husband are so close is wonderful. I will pray for your year to show significant positive changes and that you guys will be able to prosper. Take care. Your positive attitude is beautiful!


Sheryl

Why stay in prison when the door is wide open?